Dear mother and father,
I had nothing to do with it, I swear! It must have been one of that old coot Dumbledore's plans. I demand you speak with the board of governors, father, and rectify this horrible mistake.
In case you don't know to which horror I'm referring… I was… sorted into Gryffindor. But I swear it was a mistake! The hat was about to place me in Slytherin, where I belong, but then it just had to go and change its mind, and now I'm stuck here.
McGonagall – the Head of this ridiculous excuse for a Hogwarts house – claimed that there's no way to be resorted, and that the hat can't be tampered with, but she must be lying, that old bat.
On a positive note, I've gotten on Potter's good side. He's been sort of nice, actually. As opposed to that blasted Weasley brat, who hasn't stopped laughing. At least these Gryffindors are so stupid they all think I've gone soft and they want to 'help' and 'support' me. Seriously, is this Gryffindor or Hufflepuff? They've been saying that it took guts to defy my family like that! But these imbeciles don't know what they're talking about.
Mother, would you please send another box of chocolates? It seems Gryffindors insist that 'sharing' is an important feature here, and they've eaten all of mine. Also, would teach me that curse to protect my trunk? The one that causes those really painful boils? I've heard stories about the Weasley twins, and I'd rather they didn't turn my robes pink.
Father, please do something to rectify this mistake, before I go completely mad here. They're all so bloody nice, it's driving me insane. Apparently, McGonagall told them all to go easy on me, because of 'my difficulties dealing with the situation'. Can you believe her? They should sack her. Father, can you do that? Arrange for her to get sacked?
Please send help soon.
Your loving son,
Draco Malfoy
