I Am 40
..a page from Eric's electronic journal
I am 40-years-old today.
I look at the never-ending stack of bills on my desk in this little house in Madison, Wisconsin and I wonder how I got here. In
a job teaching kids that are less empathetic to others than the kids the year before, who signed his divorce papers one month
ago, and whose child hates my guts for it. But Donna only knows of the label she doesn't know of the person. Yet, I'll never be
able to look into those crystal blue eyes and declare my love for the only person who ever 'got me'. How could I do that to
him? How could I ruin his life? And there's no proof that he even is attracted to the same sex. In this journal that is within
my thumb drive that is clipped to my School District of Madison ID badge I can write – I love Steven James Hyde. I love him so
much. I have to be the fake and phony adult during the holiday visits. Jackie and Kitty bond over recipes and the times that
she burnt a pie for her Home Ec project or when she wouldn't dare touch an egg! But most importantly, how I could I do this
to the children?
Their children.
And my daughter.
It's one of the worst feelings in the world when your own child won't talk to you. My Madison hates me for divorcing her
mother and it doesn't help matters any that Donna lets her feel these things about her father. No accepting of me in Donna's
world. She is the hypocritical liberal, because her marriage is done – I am the one fag she can't support. There's James R.
Hyde, he's 13 and he's just like Hyde! But because he was born in a house of love, he's not as caustic as Steven was. Then
there's little sweet Jackie (you knew she'd name one of her children after herself!) she's five and adorable. How could I hurt
them? How could I assume that even if Steven never thought about another man that he would somehow want ME? I have
briefly thought about suicide, but I can't do that to Red and Kitty. They're older now and Dad and I actually get along. They
went through their "Oh my gosh, I have a gay son" period and now they support me. Mom even wanted me to go out with
her hairdresser Roberto. Gay stereotype much, Mom? So, today, I declined the party. I told my mother I wasn't feeling well
and we could all go out to the Vineyard as a family later on. I didn't even get a card from my Madison. Donna wanted to name
her that because she was conceived in this house. Good thing we didn't live in Point Place. My fantasies are all that I have, I
am used to being in a fantasy world. I have taken part in Star Wars role playing games before I even found the Internet. So
now I can picture Hyde – who has fucking aged well – at the front door with a cupcake with a candle in it as he kissed me on
the lips. He's self-employed and has a lawn grooming company. Hyde's Grassworks. A little in-joke to his basement hobby,
which Jackie forbids, but I know for a fact that Hyde still partakes in a smoke or two. I can't be alone with him anymore
because all I want to do is tear off his clothes and make love to him. I just love him so much. But you see I can't ruin any
more lives. I'll eat a cheap frozen dinner and go to bed at 7:00 p.m.…that's my 40th birthday, no surprise. No curly haired
man in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt and packed in jeans to carry me away. I want him, but I never can have him. You should have
heard the dual conversation I had with him and Jackie when Donna blabbed to Jackie on the phone about me being gay as the
reason for our divorce. At least they didn't hate me for it.
But Jackie was all "poor Donna"…yeah, poor Donna, because my feelings don't matter. It wasn't her business to tell and I
couldn't look Hyde in the eyes. I wonder if he knows? He knows what's at stake if we succumb to temptation. But what I
wouldn't give for one perfect night with the only person I have ever loved. I'll take this to my eventual grave because Steven
Hyde can never know how much I love him and so I'll end this entry today…on my lonely 40th birthday.
15 Minutes Later:
The doorbell rang and it was the UPS man and not the cute one with the dark hair who wears the tight brown pants, but the
older stocky bald guy. I didn't order anything and the return address on the label read: Shop. San Francisco, California.
Contained inside was a gray velvet box and a mysterious card on thick paper revealed the typed message.
Happy Birthday, Eric. You deserve happiness.
No name. I opened up the box and inside was a ring. It was silver and had the square shape typical for men's rings. The
square was onyx with an elegant "E" etched inside. There was a small (fake?) diamond chip on the top left corner. There also
was an engraving on the inside and I lost my breath for a second when I read it…a secret message – only for me – it was
done in a traditional cursive font and it made me believe for a moment that anything in this world was possible. I put the ring
on my left pinky finger. It was a perfect fit. If only real life were that easy. It's a shame that it would all go unanswered. And
that secret message to me was:
I love you, too.
The End
Question: Do you think it was Hyde that sent Eric the ring?
Author's Note: This author fucked with the timeline on purpose. I know it's only 1990 even if the technology
indicated otherwise. ;) Want to join our fan fic forum? The link will be in the reviews section in this story. And
many thanks to my reviewers.
