Haruhi Potter: the Lion (In Boots!), the Witch, and the Warrior Within

Chapter I

"For N**nia and for A**an!" With that, a ragtag army composed of aliens, time travelers, espers, and other supernatural beings charged to meet the armies of the Green Witch in glorious battle… how troublesome. And more troublesome is the fact that I am right in the middle of this aggravation, along with the other members of the SOS Brigade. Of all the people in this planet, why did I have to be the "one chosen by Suzumiya" anyway? Why did I have to bear this burden? And most importantly, why do I have to narrate the story to you people?

Well, the nightmare began one seemingly normal Thursday. In fact, that day was so normal, so I knew that something terribly wrong had to happen (shivers). My weird, Haruhi-related experience warning sense is tingling. I should go home when I still can. "KYON!" Oh crap. Too late.

"Alright everyone, let's welcome the newest member of the SOS Brigade…" Oh no, another member. What would it be this time, a cyborg? Or a vampire, perhaps? Or maybe some superweapon of an ancient yet highly advanced race? Crap, I've been staying with Haruhi too long. …"second year transfer student, Izumi Konata-chan!" Then a poorly drawn doodad… er, strange-looking creature, I mean girl, suddenly entered the room. And she's wearing a lion costume. WHAT!? Oh good, now Haruhi has two dress-up dolls to play with. "Yo." Did I miss something? Suddenly she's wearing this bizarre costume which consists of a black long-sleeved shirt, a flak jacket, black pants, a mask that covers the lower half of her face, and sandals. And oh, she has this band on her forehead that has a drawing of a surreal leaf. Wait, I think I saw this somewhere. Oh yeah, this is the costume of Ka**shi from Naru**. I don't think my brain can take any more today. Can I go home now?

"Excuse me," Koizumi finally said. Oh yes, he's part of the story too. "Konata-san, right? I'm Itsuki Koizumi. Nice to meet you." He said those words while showing that ever-so-present smile of his. Hey Koizumi, at least act surprised! It's like you've been expecting her or something.

Um… h-hello. I'm Asahina Mikuru. Would you like some tea or something?" Ah Asahina-san really is an angel. Hey Haruhi, why can't you be like that. Is that too much to ask?

"Sure, believe it!" Huh? When I looked at Konata's direction again, she had these whiskers drawn on her face and she was wearing this hideous orange jumpsuit. How the hell does she do that?

"Kyon, you moron! Stop looking at Kona-chan like that! You haven't introduced yourself yet!" Oh yeah, Haruhi. I kind of forgot that she existed for a while. Well, I should tell her my real name, not that hideous nickname. At least this doodad will call me by my real name. "Hi, I'm K-" "This is Kyon!" Damn you, Haruhi! That was my only chance! "And that girl over there is Nagato Yuki," Haruhi said while pointing to Yuki's direction. Yuki stopped reading and looked at Konata, who (fortunately) did not do a sudden costume change. And for some reason, she seemed to be very interested in Yuki. "Hey, are you Aya**mi Rei's clone or something?" Oh, another reference to an anime series totally unrelated to this fanfiction. One more and we'll be charged with copyright infringement or something. Yuki just looked at her curiously, and then went back to her reading as if nothing happened. Same old Yuki. When I was about to complain to Haruhi, I saw that she disappeared. Probably to get a new costume for Asahina-san.

I wanted to spent the rest of the club meeting peacefully playing Othello with Koizumi to turn my mind away from these insane turn of events (Koizumi sucks at this game, so I will definitely win and feel better). But something else happened. Koizumi had to leave early to go to "work", so I ended up playing with the new member instead. Maybe I can find out more about her, then. But I don't think I can do that now because Konata turned out to be an expert at Othello (Or maybe my skills just degraded after playing against a hopeless amateur like Koizumi). Well, I still have to try to find out what she really is. "So, Izumi-san, are you a professional Othello player or something?" That was a stupid question. Damn you, Haruhi, you really messed up my mind. "No, I just played a video game once that had this scene where you had to play this same game. You're even using that exact same strategy my opponent was using." What!? Is it just me, or is her answer much more stupid than my question? And now she looks like a cat. Oh, I think I know what she really is: she is actually a pigment of Haruhi's imagination that came to life because Haruhi wished for it. Great. Hey, stop winning when I'm thinking about your identity! Ack, you still look like a cat! That's really disturbing! I should try to concentrate, or distract her so that I could win.

"Wait, which school did you come from, anyway?" Konata makes a move, flips over four of my pieces, then answers. "I came from Ryou High School." Huh? Never heard of it. Wait, I'm thinking of something else again! Oh no, I'm losing again! Wait, is she wearing the lion costume again? "Hey, did Haruhi force you to wear that costume?" "O-ho-ho-ho," was the only reply I get from her. Is she saying that she wore that by her own will? Now that's disturbing. And she still has that cat expression! I can't concentrate!

"Suzumiya-san didn't make me wear this costume. And the reason why she isn't here now is because I told her to get something from my classroom." Oh. Wait, did she just say that she told Haruhi to do something? Oh, crap… Oh… crap. Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!!! Did she finally change? Oh, thank you, God! "See, I brought costumes for all of us, and I left them in my classroom. I asked Suzumiya-san to pick the costumes personally." God, is this some kind of divine punishment? I better escape. Too late. The door just slammed into my face.

"KYON!" Haruhi's voice echoed throughout the hallway. "Hey, I'm here! You don't have to be that loud!" Hey Koizumi, you left early because you knew that this was going to happen, didn't you? Damn you and your ESP. "Hey Kyon, I picked costumes for us! Go get them in Konata-chan's classroom." I had to do the manual labor. Why am I not surprised? "What are you standing there for? Well, go on, get the costumes!" I left the clubroom, but before I got out, I saw Haruhi reading a book. No, not a textbook, it was a novel. Wait, Haruhi, reading a book? That's good. She might settle down and become like Yuki.

As I walked through the hallway, I realized that I forgot to ask Izumi-san where her room was. I could have kicked myself for being so dumb. So I turned back to go to the clubroom, only to find Izumi-san standing right behind me, wearing 14th century samurai armor. Wait, how did she follow me all the way here? That armor looked pretty heavy. "O-ho-ho-ho," she laughed. "You don't know where my classroom is, don't you, Kyon-kun?" What? Oh, maybe she's a mind reader of something. "No, I just thought that you didn't know where my room is because you didn't ask." Oh. Losing in Othello makes my mind very vulnerable. "Oh look, we're already in front of my classroom." What the…? Oh, right. I was so shocked that I forgot we were walking. "I think the costumes are in the box over there," Konata said, pointing to a box in the corner of the room. Man, that box looks heavy. "Oh yes, Kyon-kun, please call me Kona-chan. That's what my friends from my own anime… er, school call me." I knew it. Wait, is she thinking deeply? Well, this is new. Even though I knew her only for half an hour or so, I know that Izumi Konata isn't the meditative type of person. "Kyon-kun?" she asked, as if she just found out the true meaning of life. Crap. Now I'm thinking like Haruhi. "Would you like a lion costume too?" WHAT?!?!?! Oh good, another Haruhi. God, if this is some kind of divine punishment, please just give me leprosy or something. Because I was so dumbfounded, the only word that came out of my mouth was "yes". This is bad. Can I go home now?

I expected Haruhi to yell at me when we returned to the clubroom, but I was pleasantly surprised. She was still reading that novel of hers. What is that novel, anyway? "Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring." That answer came not from Haruhi, but from Yuki, who was reading in another corner of the room. Did the clubroom turn into an extension of the library or something?

Haruhi was so absorbed with her reading that Kona-chan had to call her. This isn't the Haruhi that I know… whoever you are, please don't give the real Haruhi back. "This is very strange," I mutter to myself, but Kona-chan heard me. "Why is it so strange?" she asked with little concern in her voice. "Well normally, Haruhi over there would be ranting about insane things, Yuki would be reading like she is now, Koizumi and I would be playing Othello and I would be winning, and Asahina-san… wait, where's Asahina-san?" "Oh, she went out for a while," Haruhi told me, putting her book aside. "Now, let's get into these costumes!" Then I started running out of the room before anything bad can happen. Since I'm sure that Haruhi will kill me if I didn't change into that ridiculous outfit, I changed in the other room. Wait, isn't this a medieval knight's outfit? Looks authentic. And I bet that it's made out of authentic materials, too. This chain mail weights like it's made up of… well… chains.

When I finally went inside the clubroom, I found out that Haruhi was dressed like one of those Bl**d Elves from World of W**craft (Yes, I play that. Remember the laptops we, ehem, won from the computer club?). Wait, Haruhi is actually dressed in something feminine? I know, she's wearing a Bl**d Knight's outfit, but she actually looks like a girl in that. And Yuki is wearing the same costume that she wore in the movie that we made, and the only difference is that her cape and hat were purple, not black. Wait, what about Kona-chan? I looked behind me and saw her making a peace sign and sporting that cat expression of hers. And she's wearing that lion costume of hers… with boots. What's with the boots?! I mean, wearing a lion costume is weird enough, but boots? Not even Haruhi can think of that. Oh God, smite me now. "Hello every…" I looked and saw Asahina-san in a shocked expression. Well, I can't blame her. Who wouldn't be shocked after leaving a room with normal-looking people and come back to find a… medieval convention? "Okay, Mikuru-chan, here's your costume!" Haruhi said. Oh please let it be the bunny girl costume. Wait, what am I thinking? Bad Kyon! Crap, now I'm calling myself with that ridiculous nickname! Wait, is Haruhi pulling out the bunny girl costume? Yes! Oh, she moved the bunny girl costume aside and took out a robe outfit that could have came out of H**ry Pot**r books. And no, I'm not reading them. My sister does… seriously. I ran out of the room fast as I can. "Oh, Kyon-kun… or should I say Sir Kyon?" That was Koizumi. "Shut up, I'm sure Haruhi has one for you too. "That would be most welcome. I would not be left out that way." What are you saying, you bastard? I mean, you came back at a time when I would rather be staying as hidden as I can, like a deserted island or something.

"Okay, we're done!" When we came to the room, I saw Asahina-san dressed in the robes that Haruhi took out for her… and she had bunny ears. I was about to complain when Haruhi told us that she was a "bunny witch" or something. Haruhi, you sick, twisted… "Oh, it's Koizumi!" Hey, at least let me finish ranting about you. "So, Suzumiya-san, what should I wear?" Koizumi says that while smiling. He actually wants to join this madness? Well he is mad after all. "Koizumi, you can wear this!" Haruhi said, taking out a cowboy costume from Kona-chan's box. "Wait, Haru-chan, that doesn't match our theme!" Haru-chan? Wow. Doesn't match our theme? Right. Come to think of it, those boots that Kona-chan is wearing does look medieval. Hmm? What the heck is Kona-chan holding there? Oh, it's a PFP. And she's playing… Day of Sagittarius IV? WHAT!?!?!? This just keeps getting weirder. "Hey, Kona-chan, I've played 'Day of Sagittarius III'." Wait. Why am I bragging about this, anyway? "You have? But that doesn't even exist!" She says while looking like a child learning about candy or something. "I still have the CD. I can give it to you if you want it." I know she wants it. "Oh, gimme, gimme, gimme!" She does want it, doesn't she? Well, I have no more use for that piece of junk, so I might as well give it away. "Whoa, the legendary 'Day of Sagittarius III'! I finally have you!" Kona-chan says that with sparkling eyes, an expression that it very different from her usual "cat" expression.

"I'm back," Koizumi suddenly says. Wait, did he even leave? Well, he was wearing the costume of the character Le**las from the Lord of the Rings novel. Then, Haruhi took out a bow and some arrows and wanted to give it to Asahina-san, but she is too afraid to even hold them, so she gave them to Koizumi. Wait, where did she get those? Was she expecting that this would happen or something?

After that pointless little, waste of time, the days went by uneventfully. I mean the SOS Brigade version of "uneventful".

Oh yeah, during the weekend, we had to do our weekly patrols around the city. I had to tour Kona-chan around the city for a while. And during that span of time, I learned that Izumi Konata is addicted to anime and video games, and is a normal person. What a relief. At least I'm not suffering alone. Wait, erase that. I think that she is even enjoying her stay with "Haru-chan". Oh, maybe I was Adolf Hitler during my past life. That's the only reason I can conclude for my sufferings.

But something is strange. In every club meeting, Haruhi would not rant about idiotic stuff; she would sit down reading books. In fact, she finished the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in three days, and then read the H**ry Pot**er novels and finished it four days. I was right. Haruhi is becoming more like Yuki. That's good… isn't it? Oh no, Maybe she might remake the world so that I would wake up in the Shire or something, but what are the chances of that?