Author's note: Hi! It's me again, bringing you a side presentation based on (yet another) conversation with a friend. This is pretty biased against Kuja haters, so if you are one, I suggest that you do not read, as flames will not be replied to in the new system. This is a humor oneshot, rated just in case, as I have an unchecked imagination. I know I've promised some of you fics in time for Christmas, but I'm so sorry! I've been a bad author ;.;. Please forgive me. Well, consider this as Part 1 of your Very Belated Christmas and Holiday presents.

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Final Fantasy 9, Kuja, and everything related in this fic. Also, I do not own the American judicial court system (as badly implied here). The only knowledge of how the court system works is from watching Judge Hatchett and Judge Joe Brown. : )

NOTE: I use the word gay as an insult here. Let me explain... I'm not homophobic or anti-gay, its just that its a common insult and that insult applies heavily for this fic.

Enjoy!

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

Objection!

By PsychDragoonX

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

My name is Vince. And I am a follower of Kuja.

In our world, there are people. Some should be leaders, some should be ridiculed.

Kuja… our dear silver-haired bishounen villain is a leader. All leaders have their fans (or followers, if you're like me), and they all have their haters. Most haters keep their opinions to themselves, except for one in particular. His name is Borak Tutaa.

Borak is an extreme activist to bring Kuja down from power. Although he has every right to do that, in the end, he is just an attention whore on LiveJournal whining about Kuja's supposed homosexuality while praising a lawyer who obtained his legal degree from the back of a cereal box.

One day, on the news, I saw Borak himself protesting outside the Desert Palace, Kuja's preferred place to work as President of… something… But I digress. Borak started to "protest" his usual method: Calling him gay, calling all monkeys gay, calling all birds gay, calling all monkey-bird hybrids gay, saying Mystery Lawyer owns his soul, thong burning, feather burning, bird killing, bird poisoning, bird burning, monkey poisoning, monkey burning, using monkeys as stepping stones to reach and break his window (though he utterly fails everytime, as monkeys are proven to not provide a solid surface), throwing birds into the outer walls, and my favorite, jumping up and down screaming as if a chocobo was on WeeD. Nothing out of the ordinary.

His pathetic displays of desperate need of professional mental help always humored me. Why? One good Flare spell would always knock him out, as Kuja did so many times over. Kuja, you rock, may I wash your Silver Dragon?

But, wait…? Something's different… A news flash? Hmm… it seems to report a… oh dear… Kuja has just found a death threat addressed to him. They're showing it on the screen. (BTW, how did the media crew get inside? Knowing Kuja, the drama/ego/attention whore that he is, he probably is itching to use Flare Star to make things explode with shiny spells… I don't blame you. Let's read what the note says, hmm?)

Mr. Kuja Tribal,

You seem to misunderstand us. We want you out of office. Now… Now… NOW… NOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!

Run, run or you'll be well done! Uwahahahahahhaha!

Ku-Ji-Ya "Glorious" Revolution will burn down to Hell with you!

Uweeheeheeheeheeheeheehee Uwahahahahahahahaha!

Ke-Fu-Ka Arson Revolution Vice Leader Borak Tutaa

"Oh dear, I guess we can't be friends then, Borak?" Kuja said in front of the camera. "As much as I would love to thank the little peoples for their lack of sophisticated intelligence, thus producing much needed laughs, I must stop a flambé. It would be a shame if my precious home burned down because of a sweet, lovable moron who is too stupid to use magic," and with that, he left while flicking his hair. Did I forget to mention? He graduated from Evil Bishonen University on top of the record as best Hair Flicker (as well as everything else).

Alright… I thought to myself as I cocked an eyebrow. "A little more than usual, but knowing the incompetence of Ke-Fu-Ka, they wouldn't carry out their threat. They're all talk and no action. The only action they do is post and whine on LJ."

Then, as if on cue, my phone rang the happy little tune of Immoral Melody. God, can I get anymore Kuja-fanatic? Yes, yes I can. "Peace is but a shadow of death, desperate to forget its painful past. Vince's residence, this is Vince speaking. Who is calling?" I told you I can.

"Vince, Ku-Ji-Ya Secret Channel. Now," said the person on the other end of the line whom I recognized as my friend and co-worker in Kuja's personal advisory committee. (Which is, if you haven't figured it out yet, Ku-Ji-Ya Glorious Revolution) Her name was Aurora.

If she was urgent enough to command me to do something without a greeting first, that means Sephiroth is summoning another Meteor and Kuja is about to KO him in 3 hits again. Very fun to watch. Flare Star + Another Flare Star + Tranced Ultima KO anything living and breathing. So, I flipped to our secret network on TV to reveal something shocking and unexpected.

"Well, the little peoples seem to actually do something this time other than scream and moan in 'angst' while trying to set fire to their LiveJournal accounts," Kuja addressed in front of the camera, near the scene of outside his Desert Palace. He stepped aside to allow the camera to zoom in the commotion caused by (one of) our opposing faction(s).

…O-kay… What was happening was that Borak was jumping frantically with several other freaks dressed in red (trademark of Ke-Fu-Ka) screeching like… monkeys, for lack of a better word. Well, yes. They are monkeys because they barely evolved past that stage. But I digress. The band of primates was actually pouring gasoline all around the perimeter of the Palace. "Oh… No." That's all I could muster.

Just as I was about to scream out to Aurora, the screen showed a Water spell being casted by ours truly. Aurora then sighed out of relief, "Whew… That should wash away the gas. Let's see how Kuja dispenses of them."

So indeed I keep silent and turn up the volume of my TV. "Hey! You can't do that!" Borak exclaimed.

To this, Kuja retorted, "Oh? What was preventing me?" while resting his head on his hand.

Borak became even more enraged to the point he was averaging 3 and a half feet per jump at 180 jumps per minute. "THIS!" And with that, Kuja was the target of a Firaga spell. And feathers are flammable. But Kuja does his usual technique of protection.

"Reflect!" The explosion of fire came upon Borak and his group, causing a smell of a barbecue to waft through the air.

Charred and singed, Team Ke-Fu-Ka looked like the perfect anime scene of wide eyes coming from blackened bodies that were also coughing mushroom shaped clouds. Otakus could get jealous of them. "Blizzaga!" was Kuja's response to the situation. Mmm, immobilized targets, his favorite kind of target.

And then… He casted Flare Star, complete with the shiny orbs explosions.

"Team Ke-Fu-Ka is blasting of agaaaaain!" Ping.

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

About an hour after the fiasco that took place this morning, Aurora called Kuja and I. We both were really good friends of Kuja after meeting him to apply for a position for Ku-Ji-Ya Glorious Revolution.

I remember… I applied for Advice Management. I was to basically gather the plans and strategies from the Advice Committee and sort through them and develop a better one. I got into this high position so early thanks to my credentials and resume. Obviously Ultima High is the best high school one can go to. Kuja as extraordinarily amazed with my speed and ability to get him through the political ranks in a breeze. He called me for a personal meeting one day, to give me a scholarship to Ultima Law University. Me, being the eternal lawyer fan, took his generous gift. Now, I'm studying my last year in the university, hoping to start learning to become a judge soon.

Aurora applied right after I did. She got into the Master's rank of the Research Division with her resume and credentials from Ultima High also. What her job is, in a nutshell, to help better our defenses. Defenses in the terms of political, physical, magical, and anything else you can think of. Once again, Kuja was pleased with her contribution to advance him from bottom to top in the political ladder. She is now taking a course in Ultima Law University (with me, just like old times in Ultima High) in Crime and Punishment. And of course, Kuja gave her a scholarship also.

But I digress. Aurora called us and invited us to her place for lunch and discussion. I had the day off, and Kuja found some time from his light amount of work today. We met over there in about half an hour after the call.

"Greetings, President Kuja. Hiya, Vince," oh just guess who said that.

"Hello, Aurora," replied Kuja.

I replied by bowing and saying, "Good afternoon, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. Lunch should be ready in 45 minutes. Come, sit on my new leather couches," she started off normally, then added a girlish charm to her last sentence. She's obviously proud of them.

After some small talk and lunch, Kuja spoke up and got to the point, "I'm sure you saw the atrocities outside my Palace this morning…"

"Yes," we replied simultaneously.

"…As I was saying," he resumed with less patience, "how do we counter this?"

"Well, I've done some research we've got more opponents believing that you should be out of office due to your thong and lovely hips. Those damn shallow people."

"And so, the play starts to write… but we need the mandatory dramatic climax!" Kuja then regained his normal posterity of a drama whore. But hey, he has a point, this comeback needs flavor! "So, Vince, I'm positive you've thought of something?"

"Yes, you shall be pleased… I am. We sue Borak and Ke-Fu-Ka Arson Revolution," oh, aren't I the best?

"Brilliant! I'm glad that I've given you that scholarship…"

"That's a good idea and all, but the judg-" Aurora started.

"The judge, I'm well aware of that. But my case and strategy is so fueled by my ego, its sure to work. Now, listen up…"

Cue 4 hour conversation of my planning.

"…And we execute Strategy Vince Alpha tomorrow. I must leave now."

"As do I. Vince, you send the court summons."

"Of course."

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

The day arrived slowly.

I entered the courtroom with an air of confidence around me. My eyes browsed the court for a few brief moments, surveying the fact that the jury has entered with one in a brownish cloak with a black hood covering their head. I wonder who that could be? The audience… waiting, showing no emotion, just patience and intrigue… waiting. Borak then entered with his… lawyer… Oh God, you'd never believe- well, actually, as I said, Mystery Lawyer earned his law degree from a cereal box. Kefka. They both hopped rhythmically into the room wearing red suits and green ties. Came to defend yourself, have we?

Cue the Turks' theme just because its badass and eloquent in a suit, like me.

The security guard announced the judge's presence, "All rise for the honorable Judge X." Judge X? Who is he or she? X was wearing a white cloak… Where is Kuja? He's late! No matter, I can win this myself… Hahaha…

"Objection! Uwee!" Do I really need to tell you who said that? Ok then, the klown named Kefka objected. He continued, "Leaving the judge's identity a myste-"

"Overruled."

Borak was standing there agape. Kefka was muttering to himself. I smiled.

"Vince Serkea, please present your case to the court."

"Yes sir. Borak and Ke-Fu-Ka Arson Revolution have been charged with insulting the President and attempt of arson upon said victim's home." The audience gasped.

"Lies! He has no evidence!"

"Overruled."

"WHAT!"

"Need I repeat myself?" X's remark made Borak and Kefka do jumping jacks. "As you were saying, Plaintiff?"

"Yes, these people have been also charged with ruining the President's image."

"Objection! You can't sue for tha-"

"Overruled once again."

"…"

"I call the defendant to the stand." And Borak did so, cursing at me. Heh, fool.

"Borak, why did you insult President Kuja?"

"Because he IS gay and-"

"You are dismissed."

"Objection! I didn't get to finish!"

"Shut up. Overruled." You rock Judge. And so, I continued.

"Would you please present the evidence to back your statement of President Kuja's sexual preference?"

The covered their microphone and discussed the matter upon themselves for a few minutes. Borak's expression clearly said "OMGWTF You actually want me to say WhAt!" Kefka then whispered loudly, "Do it! Uwee hee hee!"

Borak had a large sweatdrop forming on his forehead while turning to the microphone. "Ahem. THONG LOL…"

You can hear the crickets chirping.

After an hour to see if he would apply any logic that relates to sanity, (in other words, due to their capabilities of said logic application, after an hour of silence) Borak then smacked Kefka on the top of his head while magically turning himself into a left-handed blonde. How that happened, I don't know.

"…Overruled."

"WHAT," yes this was said as a sentence, not a question.

To this, I replied with a smirk, "Any more evidence?"

Kefka was knocked out mumbling something about fire roasted chocobos flying in his head. That's right, IN his head, not around. Due to this reason, Borak then growled and smirked back at me and pulled out his trump card. "Fanfiction!" He then produced millions of pages of Kuja X Zidane fics and the security guard fainted.

"Objection your honor!"

"Yes, Mr. Serkea?"

"Fanfiction is not plausible evidence! Those stories come from authors and not an official source of information."

"Noted and accepted. Mr. Tutaa, your evidence is overruled. Anything else to prove your case?"

Keeping the same smirk on my face, I said, "Yes, I would like to continue asking for evidence on the behalf of the defendant."

"Very well, he has hips!"

"Overruled."

"He didn't touch Hilda for 3 years!"

Umm…? "…Where did you get that figure?" I asked.

Silence.

"Umm… he was female during his fetal months!"

"Overruled."

"Feathers!"

"Overruled."

"Purple outfit!"

"Overruled."

"No bulge in this thong!"

"Good try, but overruled."

"He said he loved everybody!"

"Overruled." Obviously Mr. Tutaa doesn't know the difference between sincerity and sarcasm.

"Umm… err… umm…" Is he going to finally end his string of illogical nonsense?

"FF9 WAS THE WORST FF EVAR!11!1!11!1!11!1" Seems not.

"Then why do you take residence in Final Fantasy IX territory? You live in Lindblum, correct?" Oh how I rock.

"…"

"Any further evidence?"

"HE'S FREAKING GAY!"

"I rest my case," I concluded with a self satisfying inward smile. We should win about…

"Would the defendant like to say anything in his defence?"

"…No because I'm right…!"

"…Very well then. The jury shall discuss this among themselves and reach a verdict." …Now.

"Yes, your honor." So, guess what? They left!

Kefka then woke up and Borak began to talk at mach 5 about how wonderful the FF6 territories are and plans to revolutionize this case.

5 minutes later…

The jury solemnly walked out and back into the courtroom. The media crews were reporting furiously with the smile on the hooded one's face… or, half-covered face.

"What is the verdict?" I win.

"We, the jury of Vince and Ku-Ji-Ya Glorious Revolution versus Ke-Fu-Ka Arson Revolution, has found the defendant guilty of all counts and charges." There was a collective mix of cheers and moans from the audience.

"Object---!"

"Overruled. The defendant is sentenced a total of 3 life sentences. One for the crimes. One for misconduct in the courtroom and abuse of the term 'objection'. And one for being incompetent of reasoning within the realms of reality and being too stupid to use magic. Case closed." The judge pounded his gavel and the security guards dragged a screaming Borak to his rotting demise. QED.

The audience then left the drama of the courthouse and the media crews concluded their coverage of the trial of the century, as Kuja News called it. The jury also left save for the hooded one.

When the courthouse was empty…

"Peace is but a shadow of death…" I began.

"…desperate to forget it's painful past…" The hooded juryman lifted her hood and it revealed to be Aurora Rigel.

"Though we hope for promising years…"

"…After shedding a thousand tears…"

"…Yesterday's sorrow constantly nears…"

"And while the moon still shines blue…" we said simultaneously… "By dawn…"

"…It will turn into a scarlet hue," the judge concluded. He lifted his hood… and it was Kuja.

"What an auspicious day for us, my plan worked," I said while I tilted my head to the right and resting my hand in my chin.

"Indeed. I would like to speak to the both of you."

"Yes?" Aurora and I replied.

"Vince, I am going to promote you to Head of the Ku-Ji-Ya Glorious Revolution Legal Counsel and you are going to be an official lawyer!"

I was shocked. "T-Thank you sir…" I bowed.

"And you, Aurora, you are now in charge of the jury selection and punishment of the criminals."

She was shocked also. "T-Thank you sir…" she bowed.

So… today was a good day, wasn't it?

/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

I know I've used the word gay as an insult, but I'm not like that. I only used it as an insult because, at least where I live, that's the most common insult…

Thank you for reading (and hopefully reviewing)!

-Writes next chapter of Ultima-