Today I read an email that you had sent me a while back.
I've been trying so hard for the past month to escape your memory but I've discovered the harder you try to escape the faster it'll catch up to you. I wish I could escape your memory but it's haunting me. Everywhere I turn there's a memory lurking in the shadows, every time I close my eyes it's your face I see and when I dream, I dream not about what was but what could've been. It feels like this hole in my chest will never go away but I wish I could feel something besides the pain. Every time I think I'm okay and I think that I can get through this a memory forces its way through and I'm back to square one. I loved you for a year and I thought you loved me too. We had envisioned a life together and there was nothing I wouldn't have given you. All of a sudden you brought my fantasy to a screeching halt. I was confused, disoriented and sick but what I can't get out of my head is how cold and indifferent you were. You wouldn't even look at me! I begged you to look at me so I could see some semblance of an emotion, anything that would let me know that this was some cruel joke but oh how I wish I hadn't asked you to look at me. The shock of your hard and vacant gaze probably stunned me more than anything and I reeled back in shock as I opened and closed my mouth several times unable to form a coherent thought. I tried to speak but you wouldn't listen and then you got up and walked away. Just like that. As if the past year was nothing-as if I meant nothing. I stood there rooted in shock staring at your retreating figure and wondering what I had done wrong. It felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out and would not stop stomping on it. I had never known that kind of pain before. It's one thing to see it and read about it and a completely different thing to experience it. I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and be left alone. My friends and family wouldn't leave me but even they couldn't keep the nightmares away. Left alone, my thoughts wait for the moment to strike and when they do, it feels like I am drowning in a sea of grief and sorrow. I hugged myself and murmured 'Why did you leave me?' You promised you would never hurt me, that you would always be there for me. Were those lies too? Was any of it real? Before you left all you told me was that you didn't want to be 'responsible for me' and that you 'loved being single'. What does that even mean? Does the mere idea of taking care of me repulse you so? Love is about sacrifice and compromise and loving the other person in spite of their faults. We always talked about how loving the other person should be unconditional and I loved you through it all, even when you hurt me, because I told myself that you were worth it. Why then did your love for me have so many rules and stipulations? You kept trying to change me and I let you and now I have no one to blame but myself. I thought our love could change the world but I was blind. Sometimes in my rare moments of rage I imagine facing you and telling you what I think but not the grieving part because you have made it painfully clear that you don't care. I would treat you the same way you treated me indifferent and cold. I would call you a pathetic coward and I would get to hurt you the way you hurt me but I realize that it isn't me. While it may be okay with you to hurt someone like that, it's not okay with me, no matter how badly I sometimes want to. All I want is for a button that could fast forward the healing process so I can look back at all this and not feel this gut-wrenching pain. I want to be able to forgive you because hating you would mean you occupy even a small part of my thoughts and you're just not worth it anymore.
