Chapter 1: Cassander

Hephaistion was tired. He was so very tired. Most soldiers hated passing time before the battle, some of them had a great difficulty dealing with fear and anxiety. But for Hephaistion, the time after the battle was the worst to cope with. He feared for Alexander's life, and had an anxiety before the battle like others, but it was nothing comparing with the unbearable emptiness and sorrow he felt after the battle.

During the battle, there was not time to think. Hephaistion fought by instinct, instinct to ensure Alexander's survival. Nothing more, nothing less. There was no glory to it. He simply fought by Alexander's side, slashing everything that came too close to Alexander. Hephaistion did not hear anything either. All the noises of clinging swords, war cries, screams, and neighs of horses were muffled in his ears, as if he was deep under the water. It did not used to be like this at the beginning though.

Hephaistion still remembered his first fight at the Battle of Chaeronia. Both Alexander and he were young in their teens, and Philip was still alive to reign as the King of Macedon. Right before the battle started, he found himself excited, excited for Alexander. Alexander's anticipation and determination to be brave like his Greek hero Achilles infected him. Even then, at his young age, Alexander possessed a strange power over others. He made others feel invincible as if they had a full blessing from the gods.

But that one moment, the moment when Hephaistion realized that he had taken a life of a man with his own hands, everything around him crumbled. He should not have felt this way. He should have felt glory. He should have been proud of himself. But, he did not. Instead, he felt emptiness, guilt, and pain. Hephaistion could not help thinking of his enemy's personal life. The only consolation was that he knew the soldier shared the death with his love.

As of today, after more than five years, Hephaistion still recalled the man's face vividly. The face was filled with surprise and regrets when his sword speared the man's chest. Probably, surprise that he couldn't believe what was really happening to him, and regrets that he had to leave this world so suddenly and so unprepared. From time to time, the man's face haunted Hephaistion as a form of nightmare.

In nightmare, the man's face floated over just inches away from Hephaistion 's own. He tried to get away, but he could not move even a finger as if he was pinned to the bed by some kind of invisible force. He tried to scream, but he could not open his mouth. He knew that the nightmare would be over only if he could move a single muscle of his body, but he could not break this evil spell. When his chest became so tight, and the man's face almost consumed him, Hephaistion woke up screaming, his heart pounding so hard and every inch of his body covered with cold sweats.

Hephaistion closed his eyes briefly to shake the memory of nightmares out of his mind. He surveyed the field and noticed that the soldiers' spirits were up despite the loss of comrades. Alexander had won another major battle against out numbered Persians, with his genius strategies and unbeatable courage, and most importantly, with his ability to transfer his determination to his generals, and to all levels of his solders. The battle was over, at least for now.

Hephaistion spotted Alexander in the distance through the dust. Even after the battle, Alexander was walking among the soldiers approving and congratulating them on their brave fight. The men loved this attention from the King, and you could hear loud cheers wherever Alexander moved. Hephaistion smiled at this, and turned around to head back to his tent. Alexander always wanted his Generals gathered after the battle at his tent to do a briefing, Hephaistion wanted to wash off some of the blood and grime before the meeting. Although the meeting usually ended up with lots of wine and silly stories of each general's close calls, there were various points to be brought to the table for future battles.

"I must have turned around too quick," Hephaistion thought, as everything in front of his eyes became white, like all of sudden the sun increased its intensity so much. "Hephaistion!" He heard the voice, and at the same time, he felt a strong arm come around his waist and another hand grab his arm to support him. "Cassander?" He whispered. Cassander was the last person Hephaistion wanted to see his weakness, but he did not have a choice. He knew that he was too exhausted to refuse Cassander's assistance, so he followed Cassander's guide in silence with his eyes closed, as helpless as a blind man.

Although it must looked awkward; Hephaistion and Cassander were never close, Hephaistion did not hear any of his men raising qustions. "Cassander must be doing an excellent job of making it look natural." Hephaistion thought to himself. It felt an eternity; at the same time it was just a blink of an eye until they reached Hephaistion's tent.

As soon as Cassander opened the flap and guided him inside, Hephaistion felt his knees give in, and he fell into Cassander's arms. Cassander did not let him fall. He lifted him up, and carried him to the bed. Hephaistion was aware of his surroundings, but he did not open his eyes. He did not have enough energy to meet Cassander's mocking gaze, disapproving him as weak.

Then, he felt cool wet clothes start wiping his face. Something was different. There was tenderness in it he could sense. Hephaistion opened his eyes, and surprisingly met with Cassander's light green eyes filled with worry and concerns. Hephaistion tried to get up, but Cassander gently pushed him back. "Stay. I will tell Alexander." Hephaistion slightly nodded in recognition, and let his head sink heavily in to the pillow. It did not take a moment until he drifted away to a deep sleep which his body had been screaming for.

*****

Cassander did not leave right away. He sat there watching Hephaistion's pale yet still so beautiful face. It was then; he noticed a big swell of emotion spilled over in his heart. He realized that he did not hate Hephaistion, but he cared for him. He could not help feeling the strong urge to protect Hephaistion from any pain; even if it meant confronting Alexander. Surprised by this realization, Cassander looked deep into his mind. "When did I start caring for Hephaistion?" His mind went back to the day of their first hunt together.

It was a fine day in September. Although morning started with cool dew, it was still rather warm during the day. The hunt was successful, especially for Hephaistion on that day. Hephaistion was carrying a deer tied on a branch with Ptolemy behind, which he killed earlier in the morning. Everybody was in a cheerful mood. Alexander was proudly walking by Hephaistion, a few rabbits tied around his waist, and Cassander was walking on the other side of Hephaistion.

They were walking down the hill to the camp they set for the night. All of sudden, a rock became loose under Hephaistion's foot, and he lost his balance. Alexander grabbed his left arm, and Cassander grabbed his right arm. Then, he felt a strong glare and met Alexander's piercing gaze. It was saying "Hephaistion is mine, mine only. Nobody dare to touch him."

Hephaistion giggled, and thanked them. "Hephaistion, you not only look like a girl, but walk like a girl too." Cassander caught himself saying to his own surprise. Hephaistion looked at him with those beautiful eyes, however, there was no hate in them, just a sorrow, and almost a pity. It was there and then, Cassander had decided to hate Hephaistion, since Hephaistion was Alexander's and could never be his. . He had been trying so hard to make himself believe that he hated Hephaistion, because it was the easiest and less painful thing to do.

Now, after over eight years, Cassander realized that he started to love Hephaistion on the same day he decided to hate Hephaistion. Disturbed and astonished by this new finding, Cassander looked on Hephaistion's beautiful face once more before standing up. He now knew that he could not pretend anymore no matter how badly it hurt. As he left Hephaistion's tent, Cassander ordered one of the pages to prepare the bath when Hephaistion woke up.

The page looked at him with an expression of disbelief. "This kind of tender words should never come from General Cassander, especially concerning our Hephaistion." Cassander could read the page's thought like it was reflected in a mirror. He smiled to himself bitterly. He was somewhat relieved by admitting the truth, but at the same time, he was feeling the weight of the burden he had to carry from this day on.

Cassander was the last to arrive at Alexander's tent. Other generals were already gathered around the table, they were in the mood for celebration, with a few cups of strong wine consumed in their stomachs.

"You are late." Alexander stated weakly with absent mind.

"And Hephaistion is not even here yet." Crateros barked.

Cassander ignored Crateros, looked at Alexander and said, "Hephaistion won't be coming tonight."

Alexander shifted uncomfortably. He asked, "Was he injured?"

"No, but he is exhausted. He needs rest."

"Ha, the boy does not have a stomach for real men's game, huh?" Crateros said, looking at Cassander seeking an agreement from him. If it had been yesterday, Cassander would have been the first to agree with Crateros. But it was different now. Crateros looked puzzled by Cassander's unusual behavior, but did not say any more words. And the subject was closed when Alexander said irritably,

"That is enough Crateros!"

The gathering went on, but it was not the same without Hephaistion. Alexander looked so lost without having Hephaistion by his side, and soon he excused himself to retire. However, it was obvious to the generals that Alexander was not going to retire to his bed, but going to visit Hephaistion. Alexander felt uncertain with the outcome of the battle along with the fact that Darius had escaped and still lived. Even it was considered as a major victory against Persians, something was lacking and Alexander went to seek Hephaistion for the assurance.

Alexander quietly entered Hephaistion's tent. He moved to a chair by Hephaistion's bed as his eyes adjusted to the dim light. Hephaistion was sleeping restlessly. Even in this stage of sleep, the face carried a deep line between his perfect brows. Alexander gently traced the line. Hephaistion's face relaxed as if Alexander had just erased his agony. Hephaistion stirred, and opened his eyes. He was surprised but happy to see Alexander.

"I am sorry I missed the meeting."

"Don't mention it. Although I missed you, I rather want you to be well."

Hearing Hephaistion's voice, a page entered and announced to Hephaistion that the bath was ready. The page answered king's questioning eyes,

"General Cassander ordered it before he left, my King."

Alexander murmured, "General Cassander? Battles must start to play strange tricks on people's minds. Hum, but it sounds good."

Hephaistion smiled mischievously,

"Would you like to join me?"

Alexander grinned, took Hephaistion's hand in his and started to guide him to the bath. He now felt everything starting to fall into the right places once again.