Elrond, the high-ranking Elf lord, stood up and spoke. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth is on the brink of destruction. Unite or you will fail. Bring forth the ring, o vertically challenged one. . ."
Meekly, Frodo, a hobbit naught but four feet tall, stepped forward and placed the One Ring on the pedestal located in the center of the council.
A strange noise broke the silence. "What is that awful noise?" Elrond questioned. Now all the members of the council began to hear the noise, coming closer. Elrond turned his gaze to the sky. "It's a bird. . . it's a dragon. . . it's. . ."
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" A figure fell from the sky into the middle of the council, nearly knocking the ring of its pedestal. "Ow! Shit!"
"FUCK!" another figure fell from the sky on top of the first.
The first figure, which appeared to be a young girl, spoke. "OW! Get the hell off me" She looked around the council, bewildered. "Erm, wrong door. . ."
"Aly?" the second figured sat up and spoke. "Am I alive?"
Aly pinched the second girl. "Are you?"
"Ow! Bitch, what was that for?"
"You said to see if you were alive, Maggie. Hey, look!" She pointed to Aragorn. "It's Hot Old Guy!" Aragorn gave her a look of confusion.
"Who the hell are you?" Frodo asked, scratching his furry Hobbit bottom.
Boromir stood and unsheathed his sword. "Saruman's spies!"
Both girls jump back in alarm. "Whoa buddy, let's calm it down with the sharp objects," Maggie said. "We're not spies."
Aragorn raised a rugged, weathered-beaten hand. "Put the sword down, Boromir."
Frodo looked to Gandalf for comfort. "Gandalf?"
Gandalf cleared his throat. "Well, I've never seen this happen before."
Aly rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah. . ."
Elrond glared. "Who are you?"
"I'm Maggie, and would you stop glaring at me."
"Yeah," Aly straightened up and nodded. "Yeah, what she said.
Maggie shrugged, glancing toward the sky for a second before turning her attention to Aragorn.
A light twinkled in Aragorn's soft, gray eyes. "Are you the type that fall from the sky?"
"Well, we didn't actually fall from the sky," Aly tried to explain. We just. . . Maggie?"
Maggie shrugged her shoulders. "We just. . . fell."
Aly scoffed. "What good are you?"
"Sorry, I'm not a freaking thesauras." Maggie sighed. "Look, there we were, sitting in my room, watching the extended special edition DVD of "The Fellowship of the Ring, and we were trying to turn on the cast commentary, but the remote wouldn't work. So I stomped on it, and then BAM!, we were here. Where's the elf?"
Glimi trotted forward. "Are you a dwarf, or a hobbit, little fair-haired one?" He began circling Maggie.
"This is a secret meeting!" Elrond screamed, becoming irate. He always became irate when he no longer had control of a situation. Most elves were like this. It's one of their most unappealing qualities.
"Sorry," Maggie said. "I didn't mean to fall into your 'secret meeting.' I mean, my bad."
Aly had been thinking about their reason for being here, and when she could think about it no longer, she sighed and said. "Oh, well, it's fate."
The council gasped.
Aly stepped up and tried to sound important. "And you know, we aren't the only people who aren't supposed to be here that are here who aren't supposed to be here, who are gonna regret it and stuff. I mean, yeah."
"Shh," Maggie elbowed Aly.
Aragorn looked at him. "You speak strange words." He looked to Boromir, but he was muttering to himself: "spies, spies."
Maggie stepped toward Aragorn, his beauty emanating from his chisled cheekbones and intense eyes. " Okay, Hot Old Guy, I mean, Aragorn, let me introduce myself more properly. In my country, we like to do this naked, in a bed. . ."
"Margaret!" Aly said. "No, me first!" She pushes Maggie out of the way and extends a hand to Aragorn. "Hi, I'm. . .I'm. . . uh, shit I know this. . .Maggie? Little help?"
Maggie turned her attention to Gimli, who was still circling her, sniffing occasionally. "Aly."
"Aly! Yes, my name is Aly because that. . . is my name."
Aragorn gave her a strange look. "Good day, Aly, faller of the sky."
Elrond's voice boomed. "Out!"
"No," Aly said, running to Aragorn and stroking his arm. "I just met Hot Old Guy. You think I'm leaving now?"
Maggie swatted at Gimli. "Christ! Attack of the Perv-y Dwarf! I'm not a dwarf, I'm not a hobbit, I'm a human fucking being! Get away from me." She dashed over to Aly.
Gimli scratched his head. "You make my head hurt. You must be Elven. Ack!" He returned to his chair.
"I think he was checking you out, Maggie," Aly said, doubled over with laughter.
"Checking you. . . out?" Aragorn repeated slowly.
"Never mind," Aly said, patting his arm, "you just sit there looking like a hot old guy because you are."
Maggie looked around. She knew that she would have to take charge and try to make some sense of all this. She walked over to Elrond. "Um, I'm gonna talk to you, because you're in the big chair, and that headband makes you look real important."
Elrond sighed. "Speak."
"Listen, my name is Maggie Vickers. Um, can I sit in your lap for this? You know, like Santa?" Maggie didn't wait for answer, but hopped into Elrond's lap. "Okay, my name is Maggie Vickers, and you can't make me leave 'cause I don't know how we got here, so you can't make us leave 'cause we have nowhere to go. And, for Christmas this year, I just want the Elf."
Elrond pondered this for a moment, then shook his head.
Gandalf rose. "I'm not sure you can leave now. We do not know how you got here."
"Well, look you just joined the party!" Maggie said.
"Yes, I must've dazed into distant times for a moment," Gandalf said.
"Moment?" Aly piped up. "You were out in left field buddy."
Frodo came out of his state of thought and spoke. "Maybe they could help us." Only Gandalf took any notice of him. Aragorn was shining his sword, Elrond was inspecting his headband in a mirror, Gimli was busy pondering the meaning of life, and Boromir was thinking of way to kill them. The Elf was nowhere to be found.
After Elrond had decided that yes, the headband did make him look manly and important, he spoke. "Gandalf, we must get rid of them. They will cause more harm than good!"
Gandalf shook his head. "Maybe the little furry guy is right. . ."
Suddenly, a flushing noise came from the Port-a-Potty that was sitting just outside the council circle. The door swung open, and the Elf stepped out, newspaper folded under one arm, a small piece of toilet paper trailing behind him. Legolas noticed the paper almost immediately and tore it off the bottom of his boot. "I think Gandalf's right," he said in a cool, liquid voice.
"Orlando!" Aly made a running start toward him, but tripped over Aragorn's sword and went skidding across the floor. Maggie stared, unsure of what to say. Aly quickly recovered from the fall and spoke. "Oh my God! Hot Old Guy. . . catch me!"
Aragorn looked up from his sword polishing and, being the good hero that he is, caught Aly as she swooned back, putting a hand to her forehead for a dramatic effect.
Maggie rushed over to Aly, embarrassed now that Legolas had appeared. "Aly, man, you're freakin' them out."
"Aly laughed sheepishly. I don't care. I got Hot Old Guy with his arms around me. Okay, gotta get up to," she said, hating to pull herself from Aragorn's manly grasp. "No hard feelings though. I mean, your hot and all. . . Gah! What am I saying?"
Gandalf raised his hands, signaling for all nonsense to stop. "We have no choice but to take them with. . .
"Are you mad?" Elrond stood up fiercely, causing his headband to go slightly askew. "They'll ruin it all! Middle Earth will fall to doom if they go with!"
Maggie scoffed. "It will not! Besides, I think we could help a lot with the destroying of the One Ring. I mean, all we have to do is get it to Mount Doom, right?"
Elrond narrowed his eyes. "How did you know? What devilry do you use to know these things?"
Aly put on a hurt face. "How could you say such a thing, Elrondie?"
"Do not call me that!" Elrond took this time to straighten his headband.
Silence fell over the council. Aly took this time to nudge Aragorn. "You know," she said, "you're on the cover of the soundtrack I bought to your next movie."
Aragorn wrinkled his brow. "Soundtrack? Movie? I know not of what you speak."
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Don't worry about it. Just know you're the Hot Old Guy."
Aragorn cracked a smile. "Oh. . . that's good right?"
Maggie couldn't stand it any longer. She lunged forward and seized the One Ring. "We'll help! We'll be a big help! We promise, we know exactly what we're doing." The One Ring slipped from her hand and went rolling under Gimli's seat. "Damn," she said dropping to her knees. "Don't worry, I've got it all under control! I'll get the ring. It's cool!" She rooted around and finally found it and placed it back on the pedestal.
Elrond nearly had a stroke when Maggie dropped the ring, but with it safely back in its place, he composed himself and began to speak. "How do you know so much about our secret dealings? No one even knows the One Ring is here in Rivendell except for the people at this council."
"They were sent by fate," Gandalf said, pointing to Aly, "she said so herself."
Legolas stood gracefully. "They are Maggie and Aly, fallers from the sky. We owe them our allegiance."
"Ha!" Alyson laughed. Then, she dove for Legolas. "Oh, Hot One, I love you!"
Maggie grabbed Aly by the shirt right before she pounced on the Elf, who was looking quite stunned. "Aly, turn off your hormones for just a couple minutes. I'm trying to negotiate here." She turned to Elrond. "Look, He-Who-Wears-Shiny-Headband, we know a lot about Middle Earth. A lot. Your council can benefit from our knowledge. And I promise not to drop the ring again."
"Yeah," Aly said. "We'll be of good help and we promise not to pounce on Hot One or Hot Old Guy." She smiled at Legolas and gave him a little wave.
Aragorn looked hurt. "I thought I was . . . hot???"
Aly shook her head. "No, you're Hot Old Guy. Legolas is the Hot One." She rolled her eyes as if everyone should have known this already.
"Ah-ha!" Gimli yelled so loudly that everyone jumped. "I've got it. The meaning of life is. . . if. . . I . . . crap. . . lemme think again."
Borimor rolled his eyes and sighed. Then, he turned to Aly and Maggie. "So, you're not spies?"
"No," Maggie repeated. "Not at all."
Aly was a bit more impatient with him. "We have established that, Boromir, dead. . . er! Dear! Boromir, dear. Oh crap."
Boromir's grey eyes flamed. "Did you threaten me? Are you threatening me?" He reached for his sword, but a sharp look from Aragorn made him loosen the grip. "Sorry, mood swings. Don't pay any attention to me."
Aly sat down in the chair next to Aragorn. "Whaddya say, Hot Old Guy? Are we gonna save the world together?"
Frodo, who had been very quiet throughout most of this ordeal, padded across the ground to Elrond, his little Hobbit feet making 'fft, fft' noises. "The fact is, all of Middle Earth will come to doom if we don't destroy the One Ring. Now, I think the girls should come along because you know how girls are about jewelry. This will be the safest piece of gold within a 1,000 mile radius. I think they should come, to help protect the ring, you know? Yeah?"
A smile spread across Aly's face. "Wow, go Frodo! Show 'em what you're working with!"
"Good," Boromir said. "Very good. . . I'll kill them! I'll kill them all!!!!!" When he saw Aly eyeing him suspiciously, he grinned sheepishly. "Was that out loud?"
Maggie sighed and stood up. "When are we gonna go? I mean, time is running out!"
Gandalf stood up, steadying himself with his long, sturdy staff. "I say we should leave. . . now. Yes, right now!"
Aly threw her hands into the air "Ah, yeah!" She proceeded to do an elaborate touchdown end zone dance.
Elrond buried his face into his hands. "We're all going to die."
There was a rustling noise coming from the bushes. A long-face, thin-lipped hobbit came bursting into the council. He stood before Elrond and crossed his arms. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me."
Another hobbit, much rounder than the first, burst out of the bushes. "Damn it, Pippin, that was my line!"
"Sorry, Sam," Pippin said.
"Guys! Guys? Guys?!" Another hobbit was hanging halfway out of the bushes. "Little help? I've seem to have stumbled across a briar patch. But, I'm not leaving Mr. Frodo either!"
Aly screeched. "Hobbitizes. . . hibbiysays. . . hob. . .hobib. . .damn it, how does Gollum do that?"
Maggie put on her best Gollum voice and crouched low to the floor. "My presciousssssss. . . hmm, I'm not sure."
Boromir's ears perked up. "Gollum?! Spies!!!!" He unsheathed his sword and pounced on Aly, wrestling with her until he had her pinned down, his blade pointing at her neck. "I knew you were a spy!"
"Boromir!" Maggie yelled, shocked. "Calm the freak down or I'm gonna go medieval on your ass." Boromir quickly stood up and went back to his chair, a look of guilt and embarrassment on his face.
"I can't take it anymore!!!!!" Elrond took off his headband and threw it on the ground. "Go! Take that ring and get out of here you damnable people!! Augh!!!"
Maggie picked up the headband and plopped it onto her head. She spoke in a deep voice, like Elrond. "We must the destroy the ring or the people of Middle Earth are fucked!"
