Title: First comes the Dark, then comes the Light
Author: Nikita
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but this story.
Distribution: If you want it, I'm flattered. Just let me know where it's going.
Author's notes: I've been working on my other story, Not of the Dead, and this idea wouldn't go away, so I sat down and typed it up.
I took some of what happened on the show but don't expect it to be by the book. I took some liberties here and there. Please take this with a grain of salt. I don't know if everything I've said could actually happen but then again, this is fiction.
This is just a thought I had. It is set when Buffy went to see Angel in Sanctuary but I might drift a little now and then. :) I hope you enjoy it and I promise I'll get back to work on my other story now.
'Not to go all school yard on you but you hit me first.'
Angel's words echoed back to her. Did he really say that to her? Then again why was she so shocked? This was the guy who left her...all for her sake. She should be used to this by now.
Buffy sighed. She wasn't though. She kept hoping that somewhere he would realize he was wrong and come back to her but he never did. All he did was move on to the next slayer. She lowered her head and a tear slipped from her lashes.
"Honey, are you all right?" a lady asked her.
"I'm okay, thank you." she answered politely.
"Okay, I won't push, but it is a long trip to Sunnydale so if you need to talk you just start talking." the lady continued.
Buffy looked at her and smiled.
"My ex and I fought. It just hurts that he can still hate me."
"Oh I doubt he hates you." the lady asked.
Buffy shook her head and looked out the window.
The lady looked at her sadly.
"My name is Sandy."
"Anne." Buffy replied reverting back to her middle name.
In doing so though her mind went back in time to the darkness. Buffy shuddered.
"Well, I'm sorry he..."
"I'm used to it Sandy. He is just so dumb sometimes. This time though he was right. We are ex and I had no right coming down and trying to tell him what to do."
"Why would you do that?"
"It's a long story but the short is, I thought he was in danger and I came to tell him but he was getting all cozy with the danger so I told him off instead."
"Men."
"Yeah, especially him. I just wish..." here Buffy trailed off and sighed.
The lady seemed to realize that she was done talking for now and with one last glance, turned to her book.
Buffy stared out the window. She couldn't do this anymore. She hated the idea of going back to that mess her life had become. With Angel even though they were fighting, she had felt a spark of her old self and having felt that she couldn't bring herself to let it go. If she went back to Sunnydale, would she ever feel this again?
She stood up and pulled the cord to stop the bus.
"I need to get off, sorry." she said.
Sandy smiled and let her out of the seat.
"I hope you can make it work."
Buffy just smiled at her and walked off the bus.
She watched the bus drive off and then turned back in the direction of the depot. They hadn't gotten too far out of town and she knew her father would wire her any money she needed. She smiled for the first time since that last morning she had woken up in Angel's arms. She was getting her life back.
***
Angel paced his office as Wesley watched him.
"Ugh, why did I say that?" he ranted.
"Maybe because it was true?" Wesley offered.
Angel sighed and sat down.
"She just...that's just her. When she gets hurt she lashes out. The more pain she's in, the more hurtful she becomes." Angel said.
"Maybe so, but she didn't have the right this time and you did what any guy would do." Wesley said standing, "Don't beat yourself up about it."
Angel sighed, "Yeah, I guess."
Wesley left the office.
"So why do I feel like the lowest thing on this planet?" he asked the empty room.
***
Buffy sat on a new bus this time heading for a small town in Louisiana. A town where no one knew her or had ever heard of her. A town that no one would think of to look in. She smiled. She hadn't stopped smiling since she had first thought of actually leaving. She stretched in her seat. The bus pulled out of the L.A. station. She had written letters to the gang back home saying that this was something she needed and they would be fine without her. She knew they would be mad but she hoped they'd understand. She shrugged. If they didn't then they didn't.
***
Angel had dealt with the guilt for a week before he decided to go to Sunnydale and see Buffy. He hadn't told anyone, just left. He knew the gang supported him in telling off Buffy but the thing was he didn't feel right about it. He had never said anything like that to her before except as Angelus. He never wanted to again.
Her eyes had widened and she had actually backed up from him. She had been afraidl...of him!!
That is what was eating him up so bad. She was never supposed to fear him, never! She was only supposed to fear Angelus, the one who would kill her if given half a chance.
He shook his head as he willed the black convertible to go faster. He had to make it up to her.
***
He arrived in Sunnydale about midnight and headed straight to Giles. He knew he'd still be awake.
'Didn't expect a party though.' he thought as he noticed all the people in the house. He knocked on the door.
"Yes?" Giles said opening the door. "Angel?"
"Hey Giles, Buffy around?" Angel asked.
"Come in. I take it you haven't heard." Giles said as he shut the door behind Angel.
"Heard what? She's okay right?" he asked turning to Giles panicked.
"We hope so but we don't know. I received this letter saying that she wasn't coming back yesterday." Giles said as he passed Angel the letter.
Angel read it.
Dear Giles,
I'm sorry to do this but I have decided to leave. I don't know yet where I'm going but I know I have to. I saw Angel and he's fine. Better than me. I realize now that he really did leave me and I need to do the same. This isn't forever, just for now. I had a lot of things happen to me that I never told you about and they have resurfaced. I need to deal with the demons of my past and as great as you and the gang are, I need to do it alone. Please tell mom how sorry I am. I pray you don't worry about me but I have a fear that you will. I'm good, promise. I am going to be pulling in some contacts and they will take care of patrolling and stuff. Don't involve Angel unless it can't be helped. He doesn't need it. Giles, you've been there when no one else was and I thank you for it. Your the best and I love you.
Please forgive me,
Buffy
Angel stared at the letter.
"Do you know what she meant by any of it?" Giles asked.
Angel cleared his throat.
"We fought. It wasn't good. That's why she is saying don't involve me. As for the demons of the past, I don't know." Angel said as he sat down.
"She goes to warn you and you jump on her. Deadboy, you're the best." Xander sneered.
Angel glared at him.
"That's not how it went."
"What did you do to my girl?" Riley asked staring at him.
Angel glared at him as an old memory surfaced.
'You still my girl?
Always.'
"She's not 'your girl' and it's none of your business what I did to her." Angel said standing once more.
Riley moved as though he were going to attack.
Angel laughed mentally.
"Enough! Everyone go home. We'll discuss this later once we've rested some. Angel, I need to talk to you." Giles said going to the door.
Angel nodded as he sat back down. Riley glared at him as he left.
"All right. You and me know this is more than a fight the two of you had. Buffy is emotional but she does not just jump town because of a fight. The last time she did this, she had been forced to kill you." Giles said as he poured a scotch and offered one to Angel.
"No thanks. Are you saying she's had to kill someone?" he asked.
"No, but she is probably in a similar mindset. I'm sorry to invade, but what exactly happened tonight?" Giles asked.
Angel sighed.
"When she came into my room I was hugging Faith. Faith had just been through a rough time and had literally beat me to within an inch of consciousness but she was Faith again. I was just hugging for support."
"I understand Angel. You don't have to explain. Besides, Buffy tends to be irrational when it comes to you." Giles said with a smirk.
If he could have turned red, Angel would have.
"Anyways, she went on the defensive fast. She was trying to attack Faith but Faith didn't need it. She was going to let Buffy beat her senseless so I got in-between them and she hit me. I hit back."
"Oh." Giles said.
"She just...her face just...I never want to see that look on her face again as long as I live. We went on to argue and Wes interrupted us by saying that the council guys had come for Faith. Buffy and I left the fight to help Faith. She is always a slayer first." Angel said smiling.
"Yes she is." Giles agreed proud of his slayer.
"After all this went down, we wound up at the police station cause they thought I was the one behind it. Kate is this cop who has been on my case since she learned I was a vampire."
"You're getting free with that information." Giles observed.
"It was an accident." Angel said smirking.
"Continue."
"She wanted to know who Buffy was and I said she was no one important."
"I don't imagine that went over well."
"Well, I had just punched her in the mouth and now I was saying she was nothing. You put it together."
"So then what?"
"I was released because Faith turned herself in and we took the fight out into the hall. I was just tired. I had a jealous slayer on one hand and a jailed slayer on another. Then Buffy started in on how she was with someone she could actually trust now and who she knew, which is a load of crap. She trusted me! She let me drain her for crying out loud and she knew me better than anyone on the planet."
Giles smiled. He was enjoying seeing Angel finally display some kind of emotion.
"I knew what she was doing. She was trying to hurt me. That last comment though, I struck back and in the end told her to get of my town. That's the story. As far as I knew she hoped a bus here." Angel said.
"That's what I thought had happened. Nothing unusual for a visit with the two of you."
"What does that mean?" Angel asked defensively.
"It means that the ever since you left the two of you cannot be in a room together without wanting to fight." Giles said smiling, "Don't even think about denying it. I know what happened after Thanksgiving."
Angel lowered his head.
'How can you when she doesn't?' his mind screamed.
"So now what?" Angel asked.
"Now we try and get into her head. She was upset and no doubt in the height of all this, convinced herself that you no longer cared about her."
"That's crazy."
"To us, but you have to remember that in her head, you left her. You no longer love her."
"I told her though before I left..."
"We are talking about Buffy right?" Giles said looking through his old journals.
Angel smiled, "True. What are you doing with those?"
"I remembered something. I said she hadn't done this since that summer."
"Yeah."
"Well, I remember thinking she looked and acted different when she came back. I wrote it off I guess because I wanted to believe that she was the same but when you stop and think about it...she should have come back different. Can you think of anything you noticed as being odd but later wrote off?" he asked Angel.
"Just normal activity when you consider what she'd been through." Angel answered.
"What normal activity? Tell me and let's see if it really was normal."
"Okay. Once I was back in my own mind after coming back, she seemed to stay just out of reach mentally. She used to tell me everything. Now, I always felt like there was something she wasn't telling me but wanted to. I asked her about it once and she got this look...I can't explain it. Anway, she would just say that it was nothing and laugh it off."
"She did the same with me. I needed to know about her at the mansion and the time in L.A. She wouldn't talk about L.A. at all. Not a word. She told about what happenedbetween her and Angelus and that she had then hopped a bus to L.A."
"What happened in L.A.?" Angel asked.
"I think that is the missing piece." Giles said looking at him.
"That's my area, I'll check it out." Angel said standing.
"All right. Let me know anything you find out. I'll keep searching on this end." Giles said walking Angel to the door.
"What if she really doesn't want to be found?" Angel asked.
"Oh I'm sure she doesn't want to be found. She just doesn't have a choice. She is hurting or else she wouldn't have gone." Giles said smiling slightly.
"You're right. Okay, I'll be in touch." Angel said.
Author: Nikita
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but this story.
Distribution: If you want it, I'm flattered. Just let me know where it's going.
Author's notes: I've been working on my other story, Not of the Dead, and this idea wouldn't go away, so I sat down and typed it up.
I took some of what happened on the show but don't expect it to be by the book. I took some liberties here and there. Please take this with a grain of salt. I don't know if everything I've said could actually happen but then again, this is fiction.
This is just a thought I had. It is set when Buffy went to see Angel in Sanctuary but I might drift a little now and then. :) I hope you enjoy it and I promise I'll get back to work on my other story now.
'Not to go all school yard on you but you hit me first.'
Angel's words echoed back to her. Did he really say that to her? Then again why was she so shocked? This was the guy who left her...all for her sake. She should be used to this by now.
Buffy sighed. She wasn't though. She kept hoping that somewhere he would realize he was wrong and come back to her but he never did. All he did was move on to the next slayer. She lowered her head and a tear slipped from her lashes.
"Honey, are you all right?" a lady asked her.
"I'm okay, thank you." she answered politely.
"Okay, I won't push, but it is a long trip to Sunnydale so if you need to talk you just start talking." the lady continued.
Buffy looked at her and smiled.
"My ex and I fought. It just hurts that he can still hate me."
"Oh I doubt he hates you." the lady asked.
Buffy shook her head and looked out the window.
The lady looked at her sadly.
"My name is Sandy."
"Anne." Buffy replied reverting back to her middle name.
In doing so though her mind went back in time to the darkness. Buffy shuddered.
"Well, I'm sorry he..."
"I'm used to it Sandy. He is just so dumb sometimes. This time though he was right. We are ex and I had no right coming down and trying to tell him what to do."
"Why would you do that?"
"It's a long story but the short is, I thought he was in danger and I came to tell him but he was getting all cozy with the danger so I told him off instead."
"Men."
"Yeah, especially him. I just wish..." here Buffy trailed off and sighed.
The lady seemed to realize that she was done talking for now and with one last glance, turned to her book.
Buffy stared out the window. She couldn't do this anymore. She hated the idea of going back to that mess her life had become. With Angel even though they were fighting, she had felt a spark of her old self and having felt that she couldn't bring herself to let it go. If she went back to Sunnydale, would she ever feel this again?
She stood up and pulled the cord to stop the bus.
"I need to get off, sorry." she said.
Sandy smiled and let her out of the seat.
"I hope you can make it work."
Buffy just smiled at her and walked off the bus.
She watched the bus drive off and then turned back in the direction of the depot. They hadn't gotten too far out of town and she knew her father would wire her any money she needed. She smiled for the first time since that last morning she had woken up in Angel's arms. She was getting her life back.
***
Angel paced his office as Wesley watched him.
"Ugh, why did I say that?" he ranted.
"Maybe because it was true?" Wesley offered.
Angel sighed and sat down.
"She just...that's just her. When she gets hurt she lashes out. The more pain she's in, the more hurtful she becomes." Angel said.
"Maybe so, but she didn't have the right this time and you did what any guy would do." Wesley said standing, "Don't beat yourself up about it."
Angel sighed, "Yeah, I guess."
Wesley left the office.
"So why do I feel like the lowest thing on this planet?" he asked the empty room.
***
Buffy sat on a new bus this time heading for a small town in Louisiana. A town where no one knew her or had ever heard of her. A town that no one would think of to look in. She smiled. She hadn't stopped smiling since she had first thought of actually leaving. She stretched in her seat. The bus pulled out of the L.A. station. She had written letters to the gang back home saying that this was something she needed and they would be fine without her. She knew they would be mad but she hoped they'd understand. She shrugged. If they didn't then they didn't.
***
Angel had dealt with the guilt for a week before he decided to go to Sunnydale and see Buffy. He hadn't told anyone, just left. He knew the gang supported him in telling off Buffy but the thing was he didn't feel right about it. He had never said anything like that to her before except as Angelus. He never wanted to again.
Her eyes had widened and she had actually backed up from him. She had been afraidl...of him!!
That is what was eating him up so bad. She was never supposed to fear him, never! She was only supposed to fear Angelus, the one who would kill her if given half a chance.
He shook his head as he willed the black convertible to go faster. He had to make it up to her.
***
He arrived in Sunnydale about midnight and headed straight to Giles. He knew he'd still be awake.
'Didn't expect a party though.' he thought as he noticed all the people in the house. He knocked on the door.
"Yes?" Giles said opening the door. "Angel?"
"Hey Giles, Buffy around?" Angel asked.
"Come in. I take it you haven't heard." Giles said as he shut the door behind Angel.
"Heard what? She's okay right?" he asked turning to Giles panicked.
"We hope so but we don't know. I received this letter saying that she wasn't coming back yesterday." Giles said as he passed Angel the letter.
Angel read it.
Dear Giles,
I'm sorry to do this but I have decided to leave. I don't know yet where I'm going but I know I have to. I saw Angel and he's fine. Better than me. I realize now that he really did leave me and I need to do the same. This isn't forever, just for now. I had a lot of things happen to me that I never told you about and they have resurfaced. I need to deal with the demons of my past and as great as you and the gang are, I need to do it alone. Please tell mom how sorry I am. I pray you don't worry about me but I have a fear that you will. I'm good, promise. I am going to be pulling in some contacts and they will take care of patrolling and stuff. Don't involve Angel unless it can't be helped. He doesn't need it. Giles, you've been there when no one else was and I thank you for it. Your the best and I love you.
Please forgive me,
Buffy
Angel stared at the letter.
"Do you know what she meant by any of it?" Giles asked.
Angel cleared his throat.
"We fought. It wasn't good. That's why she is saying don't involve me. As for the demons of the past, I don't know." Angel said as he sat down.
"She goes to warn you and you jump on her. Deadboy, you're the best." Xander sneered.
Angel glared at him.
"That's not how it went."
"What did you do to my girl?" Riley asked staring at him.
Angel glared at him as an old memory surfaced.
'You still my girl?
Always.'
"She's not 'your girl' and it's none of your business what I did to her." Angel said standing once more.
Riley moved as though he were going to attack.
Angel laughed mentally.
"Enough! Everyone go home. We'll discuss this later once we've rested some. Angel, I need to talk to you." Giles said going to the door.
Angel nodded as he sat back down. Riley glared at him as he left.
"All right. You and me know this is more than a fight the two of you had. Buffy is emotional but she does not just jump town because of a fight. The last time she did this, she had been forced to kill you." Giles said as he poured a scotch and offered one to Angel.
"No thanks. Are you saying she's had to kill someone?" he asked.
"No, but she is probably in a similar mindset. I'm sorry to invade, but what exactly happened tonight?" Giles asked.
Angel sighed.
"When she came into my room I was hugging Faith. Faith had just been through a rough time and had literally beat me to within an inch of consciousness but she was Faith again. I was just hugging for support."
"I understand Angel. You don't have to explain. Besides, Buffy tends to be irrational when it comes to you." Giles said with a smirk.
If he could have turned red, Angel would have.
"Anyways, she went on the defensive fast. She was trying to attack Faith but Faith didn't need it. She was going to let Buffy beat her senseless so I got in-between them and she hit me. I hit back."
"Oh." Giles said.
"She just...her face just...I never want to see that look on her face again as long as I live. We went on to argue and Wes interrupted us by saying that the council guys had come for Faith. Buffy and I left the fight to help Faith. She is always a slayer first." Angel said smiling.
"Yes she is." Giles agreed proud of his slayer.
"After all this went down, we wound up at the police station cause they thought I was the one behind it. Kate is this cop who has been on my case since she learned I was a vampire."
"You're getting free with that information." Giles observed.
"It was an accident." Angel said smirking.
"Continue."
"She wanted to know who Buffy was and I said she was no one important."
"I don't imagine that went over well."
"Well, I had just punched her in the mouth and now I was saying she was nothing. You put it together."
"So then what?"
"I was released because Faith turned herself in and we took the fight out into the hall. I was just tired. I had a jealous slayer on one hand and a jailed slayer on another. Then Buffy started in on how she was with someone she could actually trust now and who she knew, which is a load of crap. She trusted me! She let me drain her for crying out loud and she knew me better than anyone on the planet."
Giles smiled. He was enjoying seeing Angel finally display some kind of emotion.
"I knew what she was doing. She was trying to hurt me. That last comment though, I struck back and in the end told her to get of my town. That's the story. As far as I knew she hoped a bus here." Angel said.
"That's what I thought had happened. Nothing unusual for a visit with the two of you."
"What does that mean?" Angel asked defensively.
"It means that the ever since you left the two of you cannot be in a room together without wanting to fight." Giles said smiling, "Don't even think about denying it. I know what happened after Thanksgiving."
Angel lowered his head.
'How can you when she doesn't?' his mind screamed.
"So now what?" Angel asked.
"Now we try and get into her head. She was upset and no doubt in the height of all this, convinced herself that you no longer cared about her."
"That's crazy."
"To us, but you have to remember that in her head, you left her. You no longer love her."
"I told her though before I left..."
"We are talking about Buffy right?" Giles said looking through his old journals.
Angel smiled, "True. What are you doing with those?"
"I remembered something. I said she hadn't done this since that summer."
"Yeah."
"Well, I remember thinking she looked and acted different when she came back. I wrote it off I guess because I wanted to believe that she was the same but when you stop and think about it...she should have come back different. Can you think of anything you noticed as being odd but later wrote off?" he asked Angel.
"Just normal activity when you consider what she'd been through." Angel answered.
"What normal activity? Tell me and let's see if it really was normal."
"Okay. Once I was back in my own mind after coming back, she seemed to stay just out of reach mentally. She used to tell me everything. Now, I always felt like there was something she wasn't telling me but wanted to. I asked her about it once and she got this look...I can't explain it. Anway, she would just say that it was nothing and laugh it off."
"She did the same with me. I needed to know about her at the mansion and the time in L.A. She wouldn't talk about L.A. at all. Not a word. She told about what happenedbetween her and Angelus and that she had then hopped a bus to L.A."
"What happened in L.A.?" Angel asked.
"I think that is the missing piece." Giles said looking at him.
"That's my area, I'll check it out." Angel said standing.
"All right. Let me know anything you find out. I'll keep searching on this end." Giles said walking Angel to the door.
"What if she really doesn't want to be found?" Angel asked.
"Oh I'm sure she doesn't want to be found. She just doesn't have a choice. She is hurting or else she wouldn't have gone." Giles said smiling slightly.
"You're right. Okay, I'll be in touch." Angel said.
