Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it's like to have been brought up the way you were.
Dear Diary
I'm sorry to waste one more precious page of yours.
But I really don't know what I could do otherwise.
I have no clue how long I am sitting here just staring at the ceiling.
Sometimes I really hate the fact that I don't have a clock in my room.
Although I'm sure if I had one, everything would be even worse.
I mean what could be worse than having something that gives you hope? Hope which is lost.
I would just sit there and stare at the clock. Sitting and waiting for this nightmare to be over.
But I know there will be no ending. No hope. Really nothing to hold on.
I should stop writing this. It just makes everything worse.
I have just finished reading my favourite book. You know the one with the open end.
You remember the last time?
I let it end good. This girl didn't kill herself. No, she started a new life.
But this time I let it end like it always does. Sad. Hopeless and lost.
Why is it so damn cold in here? I bet Mum turned the heating off...again.
Do you think the others are okay?
What do you think they're doing? Probably sitting in their rooms and writing in their diaries...like me.
I don't know how long I can take this. It's hard to not just kill myself. There are only two things holding me back. My brothers Sam and Justin - They are my life. I can't do this to them. If I kill myself, they would be punished. With me dead, my dad would lose a donor. What will happen, if he takes a kidney of one of my brothers? One which is important to survive? Just because I'll not be here anymore to donate mine. I have to stay strong, no matter how long I'll stay in here. I can take this. For my brothers.
Steps. I can hear heavy dull steps on the stairs. It's him. My father comes for taking an organ again. I don't know if I'll survive this one more time. Who knows, how many organs are already missing in my body.
If I shouldn't come back .. It's okay. I am ready to leave the world, even if it's not how I want it to be.
Where ever I am going to go, I will wait for you, my brothers.
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