Deck the Halls

"Pepper?" called Tony, bursting into their dining room. Pepper looked over at him from her seat on her favourite reading chair. "There you are."

"Where else did you expect me to be?" said Pepper archly. "Your babies are killing me. I'm pretty sure they get their jollies by kicking my diaphragm and my bladder at the same time."

"I wouldn't be surprised," said Tony. Pepper glared at him. "Look, Pep, we just got a call. Emergency distress thing that requires the Avengers. Natashalie's staying here – Dr Banner's orders – so she'll keep you company. And Darcy's on the local bus on her way over from the airport."

"Well, thanks for telling me before you go haring off into a war zone," said Pepper. "Try not to get yourself killed, okay Tony? It's Christmas Eve."

"We're aiming to be back by five," said Tony, kissing Pepper. "I won't let a disaster ruin our Christmas dinner. Not after all the planning we've had to do for it."

"You'd better not," threatened Pepper. "Now get going so you can come back."

"I love you," said Tony. He dashed out of the room before she could reply.

"Only the Avengers get called in to work, last minute, at nine in the morning on Christmas Eve," said Pepper. "I'm telling you, babies, your daddy is completely nuts."

"Aren't we all?" asked Natasha as she waltzed into the room, carefully balancing a stack of Pepper's good china against her chest. "I thought I'd come in and sit with you for a while."

"Thanks," said Pepper. "You're not mad about being left behind?"

"Not really," said Natasha with a little shrug. "I did break my fibula, so my balance is a bit off. Besides, Tony's been whiny lately, and if I go I'll probably shoot him just to put all of us out of our misery." She put the plates down on the table and flopped onto the loveseat.

"I was wondering why you weren't wearing heels," said Pepper. "My lower back is really sore. Like, more than usual."

"Hmm," said Natasha. "Perhaps it's a suggestion of what you're getting for Christmas."

"Is Tony building me an on-site spa?" asked Pepper. "With all the features and perks of the best spas in the world? Because I need to relax. It isn't easy being the head of Stark Industries and being Tony's handler."

"I can imagine," said Natasha. "It's difficult enough being his teammate and watchdog."

"Madam, a Darcy Lewis is at the door," JARVIS politely interrupted. "Are you expecting such a person?"

"Yes, I am, JARVIS," said Pepper. "Are you two having a fight or something? Last time I checked, you really liked her."

"I do," said JARVIS. "I am attempting to develop a sense of humour. It does not seem to be going well."

"Oh," said Pepper. "These things take time, JARVIS. Keep trying, and I'm sure you'll be hilarious in no time."

"Was that meant as a joke?" enquired JARVIS. Pepper and Natasha laughed at the long-suffering mecha-butler's quip. Darcy wandered into the room to find them gasping for air.

"Stop laughing, stop it, you'll make me pee!" Pepper choked out. Natasha laughed harder.

"So, does anybody want to share the joke?" asked Darcy, setting her bag down.

"JARVIS is attempting to develop a sense of humour," said Natasha. "It's going better than the poor thing expects."

"How was your trip over?" asked Pepper.

"Snowy and slushy," said Darcy. "The public transit system does not go out here for some reason."

"That's because Tony owns most of the land out here," said Pepper. "I think he wanted to start a vineyard and have his own vintages. I talked him into leaving trees alone for privacy."

"Smart move," said Darcy, nodding. "Paparazzi can be relentless."

"So, are we having turkey or ham for dinner?" asked Natasha. "Because as fun as this is, I refuse to be the person who tells the on-field Avengers that there is no dinner."

"The turkey's in the kitchen sink," said Pepper. "I have no idea what to do beyond defrost it."

"I'll handle the turkey," said Darcy firmly. "Natasha, are you making borscht?"

"It would appear so," said Natasha. "And vegetable curry. Are you good with curry, Pepper?"

"I think so," said Pepper. "I mean, I'm not throwing up anymore. And spicy things are good for your cholesterol."

"Oh, really?" said Darcy. "And I just thought guys ate spicy stuff for macho factor."

"They do," said Natasha. "But we don't have to make it spicy."

"What the heck is the point of not-spicy curry?!" said Darcy. "That's like having turkey without stuffing or cranberry sauce."

"We don't have cranberry sauce," said Pepper. Darcy stared at her blankly.

"Do you have fresh cranberries and sugar?" asked Darcy.

"No," said Pepper slowly. "JARVIS, call the nearest grocery store and ask them to deliver fifteen pounds of fresh cranberries. And a bag of refined sugar."

"Yes, Madam," said JARVIS. "Will that be all?"

"I think so," said Darcy. "Pepper, why don't you make the cranberry sauce? It's really quick and really easy."

"Okay," said Pepper. "Where do I start?"

"With cranberries," said Darcy. "Where else, Boss Lady?"