Disclaimer: I do note own Death Note.
Song: Suicide by The Raveonettes (Note: It's more about the lyrics than the title. Think about it, or better yet, listen to it. :D)
I stumble down the street around the corners I know by heart. It's extremely late at night, but I know the person I'm looking for will be there. I turn the last corner and walk down the alleyway looking for the man lurking in the shadows.
As I look around for a few moments, the man I'm looking for steps into the moonlight shining through cracks in the fire escapes above us. He looks at me with a small smile on his face.
"I knew you'd come," he says to me, "You can't ever give this stuff up."
I looked at him and I knew in my mind, that I was fighting a losing battle when I told him I'd never see him again. That our "meetings" would forever end. When I told him that, though, he had an amused expression on his face and told me that if I changed my mind he'd be in the same place as always.
That was two days ago. It's now two o'clock in the morning and I'm practically begging for more of my stash.
I said in a detached tone, "I've decided that I won't quit cold turkey. I'm just going to…wean myself off from it. But now," I added, "I'm going to need some more."
He just looked smug and said, "Whatever. Do you got the cash?"
I pulled a few crumpled twenty-dollar bills from the pocket of my red jacket- one of my last belongings- and held them out to him.
He took them and quickly counted them as I watched carefully to make sure he didn't run off with my money, then pulled a little plastic baggy out from his leather jacket pocket. He held out the precious powder and said with a sarcastic smile, "Pleasure doing business with you."
I gave a curt nod then greedily grabbed the little baggy. I then took off running down the way I had come from. I had to save this; I knew that because I needed first to get enough money to buy more of it.
I half ran, half stumbled back to the building where I lived in a studio apartment with three other people. As I climbed the steps to my apartment, I knew that I was just continuing the endless loop that was my life. I would pump the wondrous drug into my veins, then realize that it was all gone, then having this feeling like it would never get better, then convince myself that I was going to quit, then start the withdrawal and get more. It was an endless, vicious, circle. I just kept telling myself that I had the willpower to quit, I just didn't want to. I kept telling myself that, but even I knew it was a lie. I would never, could never quit. I needed the drug by now. It was all that was keeping me going.
I walked into the apartment and found, to my dismay, two of my roommates half naked and making out on the couch.
Good God, I thought to myself, don't they have any courtesy for the other people living here?
I decided I wouldn't disturb L and Light, for they hadn't even noticed me as I walked by them- boots thudding on the floor, might I add- and over to the kitchen counter. I looked briefly for anything to eat, although I knew already that we hadn't had anything edible there for days. There just wasn't enough money for food. I suppose I could have bought something to eat, but I had to save my money up for my precious drug. I figured I could live a little longer without food, but I definitely couldn't live any longer without my precious drug.
I went to a secluded corner that was far away enough from the couple on the couch and the one bedroom that was currently occupied by my other roommate- and I certainly didn't want to go in there- to arrange my supplies. I hastily pushed my blonde hair out of my face and took out my needle that I had gotten from one place or another- I couldn't really remember, but I didn't care- and quickly and quietly got everything else ready.
I had to clench my fist in order for my veins to pop out so I could see them. I knew that because of so many months using this drug, my veins were on the edge of collapsing. I knew that, but I didn't care. I just wanted to feel that wondrous rush from my drug of choice. I wanted to feel my blood pumping through my veins with my precious drug. I craved that ecstasy I got from using my precious drug. I was hooked, and I knew it. I was a junkie.
But I couldn't care less. I didn't care what I was doing to myself; I would do anything just to get more.
I put the needle to my forearm and pushed. Almost instantaneously I got that exhilarating feeling that I had come to love. I felt better than I had in almost a week. I knew that this feeling made it all worth it.
When the rest of my life was hell, my precious drug kept me alive. I was a struggling musician in this tough world called Alphabet City. My only belongings were the clothes on my back- which weren't really good New York clothes, for they were made of leather- including the red jacket with a fur lining, my heavy duty black boots, and my violin.
I was classically trained in several instruments, but my favorite had to be the violin. I just loved the way that the music coming from it could be any genre. From classical to folk, it was just that amazing an instrument. I had also picked up the guitar from a friend I made on my way to the artists main strip- Alphabet City.
But, man, was this city hard! Really. Fucking. Hard. The first day I got here was when I first tried that sweet drug of mine. Little did I know that it would be the first step to the life of a junkie artist. Soon after, I was selling everything I had just to get more money to buy my precious drug. Now, the only thing left for me to do was sell my body- and that's exactly what I did. No matter how long I stand outside improvising on my violin, I could never get enough money to buy my precious drug that I can selling myself for a cheap fuck. All I have to do is saunter in a few key areas, and sooner or later, someone will come by and ask if I'm busy. Of course, then I'll smile my sexiest smile and shake my head no and they'll usually provide the room. Actually, sometimes they don't even get a room and I'll be stuck fucking some guy in an alleyway or bathroom. Not exactly one of my finest moments.
Of course, none of that matters to me. I'll do anything for my precious drug. My body's been abused in every way imaginable by now, but it doesn't faze me. As long as I get paid, I don't care what happens to my body. Sex is nothing to me now. It's all worth it when I finally get my precious drug, I just can't control myself when I get that indescribable feeling.
That's exactly what I'm feeling now, and I pray the feeling stays long into the night- or, actually, I should say morning because it's 3:34. I never could really sleep that well before, and I almost never sleep now so I lean against the window near the fire escape thinking about nothing and everything. I know that my precious drug is my life now, and nothing else really matters. I also know that I really shouldn't care about my life anymore because there probably won't be a long time before I die. I had been diagnosed with AIDS two weeks ago.
I didn't know what to expect, really, when I went to that free clinic. Someone pushed me into doing it- I can't remember who, but it was probably L or Light- and I had some blood tests done. The doctor walked back in and told me he had some bad news. I didn't really react much, because I had some drug in my system at the time, but when he elaborated I just had one thing to say.
Fuck.
As hazy as I was, I somehow knew that my dream of becoming known as a famous musician had somewhat been extinguished. The doctor told me that I probably had two months to a year before I kicked the bucket. Right then, I figured that if I was going to die anyway, then I'd have as much of my precious drug I could. Some other part of me- the more logical side- said that I should just quit while I could and at least try to get known as a famous musician. These two parts of me still battle it out once in a while. Hence, the whole circle.
But, I decided that I would not think of that subject anymore, and watched the sun rise though the window in my apartment.
I then thought to myself wryly, Heh, at least I made it though another day.
xXxXx
A/N: Okay, so I'm sorry this was so short, but this is just a little teaser!! And I'm actually liking this one!! I absolutely promise that this fic will be finished!! Oh and Matt won't be appearing until the next chap, sorry! I'm hoping to update by tomorrow or the next day.
Please remember to reveiw! Thanks!
