Winter Always Leads to Spring
Summary: Clarke needs time to grieve and be alone. What she didn't expect was that Bellamy's memory would follow her relentlessly. Bellarke Canon Divergence
A/N: I don't know where this came from, but I'm excited about it. This is set after the Season 2 finale. Enjoy and don't forget to let me know what you think :D
Chapter 1: Heal
She camped out by a grounder village that night, the people knew her, and did not try to attack her. It didn't surprise her really, the kindness of the people. Some of them felt she had a part in freeing their people from Mount Weather. When she walked up without any supplies, they offered her some, skins, furs, food, among other important things she had ignored when she fled camp Jaha. She didn't know what her plan was, but Clarke knew one thing, she couldn't go back. At least not yet.
The days went by slow at first, dragging on from the time the bright sun came up – Clarke hadn't had the time to appreciate the sunrise since she had landed, but she did now – until it set, leaving her in the dark, alone. The pattern of the sun and the moon, revolving around each other set her at ease, it was the only thing constant on the ground. The trees and plants changed, and the dirt did too. The color of each leaf was different, but the sun and the moon rose each night.
It had been a week by the time Clarke noticed the moon cycle in a significant way. That night she panicked, and a sobering thought ran through her head: she was alone, in the woods—woods full of grounders, whether violent or not—and it scared her. Numbness gave way to emotions that had been held back behind a dam of self-preservation. Clarke allowed herself to grieve that night. She grieved for the Clarke she used to be before her father got floated. She grieved for the Clarke that surfaced when they landed on the ground, and helped her people. She mourned the people whose lives she had to—chose to take. And she grieved for the friendships she'd left behind at Camp Jaha.
Clarke had formed strengthening bonds, partnerships with the delinquents of the ark, a title that had become more of an honor one than a mark in the disappointment column. Raven was amazing at what she did, and even after Finn, they somehow made it work and got the 48 out of Mount Weather. Octavia had trained with Indra to help. Jasper had worked with Maya from inside Mount Weather. And then there was Bellamy… Her partner Bellamy, who risked everything to be the inside man, who pulled the lever with her, who asked her to stay. But she couldn't, she had to free herself from the mental prison that plagued her. She had to roam outside of her comfort zone to grieve, to let herself break down without the weight of everyone watching her, and to put herself back together.
As the moon got smaller and smaller, Clarke began to miss her people more. She cried more, felt more. The pain that clutched at her heart and the screams in her thoughts became louder as she travelled through the woods. Each day was a struggle, and gathering fruit and game with snare wasn't cutting it. She hadn't caught anything with her snares in a week, and she felt the weakness oozing through her bones and saturating her with exhaustion. She was starting to miss Bellamy and his game hunting parties, when she spotted a village about a mile down the hill. Smoke fluffed into the air from its center and she could she cabins made of what looked like wood. Praying that the Grounders of this community were not part of one of the clans that opposed the former alliance between the Tree People and the Sky people, Clarke approached cautiously, light on her feet and careful to hide herself in the bushes.
She realized, once she looked at the village, that it was a mix of hunters, farmers and warriors. A self-sufficient township with guards, and a common market square, where a massive bonfire lit the faces of its people. Clarke decided that approaching the people at nighttime was probably not her best option, either they would be startled, or they would be defensive, so she climbed a tree with thick foliage and sturdy branches, made her self secure with a few knots on a rope, and even though she was shivering, she called it a night. She tried to steady her breathing as the faces of the people she had murdered danced behind her eyelids and after sometime, she fell asleep.
A sharp sound, a whoosh, woke Clarke in the early daylight, startling her. A thud near he leg made her look down and she met eyes with a bulky grounder covered in skins and furs, his arrow carefully poised on the thick bow he held. He raised it and aimed at her again. His voice came, harsh and low, "Who is up there? What do you want?"
"Stop shooting!" she exclaimed, as she hid further behind the tree and untied the rope, "I'm Clarke! Of the sky people, I mean no harm."
A silence followed, and she dared peek around the rough trunk of the tree. Three others, a young girl among them, flanked the burly man. The girl stepped forward with her hand on the knife at her hip. "Clarke of the sky people," her voice came, "Come down and explain yourself."
She must have been somebody's second. A very important second, because the men lowered their weapons, and waited. Clarke closed her eyes, dropped her head back on the tree with a 'thunk' and sighed. At least they were giving her the benefit of the doubt.
"I'm coming down," she stated loudly, gathered her things, and began climbing down. After a minute, Clarke jumped down from the lowest branch, landing on her feet sturdily. She met the girl's eyes with confidence and a fearlessness that had only surfaced in Clarke after she had come to the ground. Her blue eyes stared back at Clarke's, and a smirk pulled at her lips. She turned and said something in their language to one of the younger men with them, he nodded and padded off quickly back to the town.
"What are you doing here, Clarke?" the girl asked.
Clarke lifted an eyebrow, questioning the girl. Did she know her? She must've heard about her when the alliance was still standing.
"Just passing through," Clarke responded simply.
"Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to get permission from our commander if you'd like to pass through here," she grinned mockingly.
Clarke felt her face go stiff and pale. Commander? Was this where…
"Come with me, Clarke of the sky people." The girl commanded. Clarke eyed her warily but followed her once she started moving toward the town. Her mind was racing with anxiety and she felt her chest tighten, but when she stepped through the doors and saw her, heat exploded within her and she found anger was her primary emotion.
"Lexa," She spit. As always, Lexa's face remained emotionless and distant.
"Clarke," she said calmly, "What are you doing here?"
Clarke sucked a breath in through her dried lips and narrowed her eyes, "Like I told your girl here, I'm just passing through."
"Where are you heading? On another mission to save your people?" The blue-eyed girl asked sarcastically behind her.
"Sasha," Lexa cut in with a warning and looked at Clarke once again. "My second has not learned to hold her tongue as of yet."
"A new second? She suits you." Clarke mumbled, annoyed.
"Leave us." Lexa commanded and the room cleared out. A staring contest began between Lexa and Clarke, and when the commander finally opened her mouth to speak, Clarke cut her off.
"You don't have to explain. And I know you're not going to apologize. So cut the crap and let me go."
Lexa fisted her hands at her sides and lifted her chin unapologetically. Clarke let out an annoyed chuckle and crossed her arms, a hardly amused grin pulling at her lips.
"For some reason, I actually thought you would help me with Mount Weather. But I should've known better. Either way, you got your people out, and I got mine. There's nothing to discuss."
"I see you've taken some of my advice."
"What's that? Advice?" Clarke spat. "There was no advice. There was example. Example I chose to follow and now regret."
There was more silence, and Lexa turned around to face a table with drinks.
"I heard of the people in Mount Weather. They're all dead, it seems." She stated. Clarke stiffened, digging her nails into the worn leather jacket at her sleeves.
"Did you do that?"
"That's none of your concern." Clarke hissed. Lexa gave Clarke a side eyed look and drank some of whatever she had in her metal cup.
"Did you leave your camp?" Lexa questioned Clarke again, and she about had it.
"You know, I don't think you have the right to ask me any questions, Lexa. You got what you needed out of our alliance. You got your people out of Mount Weather and got rid of the threat from the reapers. You have nothing more to obtain from me. I think I've said what I had to say. Now, if you're done interrogating me, I'd like to gather some supplies and be on my way." Clarke's voice sounded tired, but not defeated. She was done with Lexa, and the commander could tell. Nodding her head slightly, Lexa turned to face her and called her guards.
"She is free to roam. She won't be staying long," She eyed Clarke, "Be sure to let our people know."
The guards nodded and stepped out once again, but Sasha stuck around.
"Clarke," she added, "Take care." She nodded at Lexa and gave her one last sweep with her eyes and stepped out of the cabin. Clarke felt a weight lift off her shoulders, and she sighed.
She gathered the few things she had at the door of the cabin by a guard, and headed to the market. Now in daylight, she could see the richness of the fruits and vegetables laid out in tables and baskets. She traded a few trinkets for some fruit, and after roaming passively while people eyed her suspiciously, Clarke made her way out of the large town. When night hit, she was ways from her encounter with Lexa, and further even from any comfort. She thought putting closure to that part of her mess – because what she had in her hands was a mess of her own making – would relieve her, but the gnawing in her stomach wouldn't stop, and she realized in that moment, that Lexa's betrayal was the last thing in her list to lament. She was still plagued by the deaths she had caused and the innocent lives she had taken. Maya's face haunted her dreams that night, and Clarke woke up sobbing. She found herself wishing she were on the dropship with Bellamy, Raven, and Finn. With Jasper, Monty, and Octavia. Before the ark came down, and before the grounders were a real threat. She clutched at her knees as she sobbed silently, and looked up at the sky, searching for the ever constant stars. They were always there, just like her friends back at camp Jaha.
She wondered how much her mother missed her. She thought of Raven, and her sassy comments. Of Octavia and her strong will. Of Bellamy, and his permanence. Had he moved on okay from what they had done? She hoped he had. He was strong and he could endure the hardest of times. 'I wonder if he's been allowed to lead,' she pondered. He was so good at it and the rest of the kids looked up to him.
Clarke fell asleep again remembering Bellamy's words: "Please come inside."
Another two weeks passed, uneventful. Clarke would maintain herself with fruit, mushrooms, and legumes she picked, as well as the few animals she caught with her snares. She passed a river or two, but Clarke couldn't fish, and though she wanted to, she had no idea where to start. At night, she would build a fire and stay around it, to ward off any uninvited animals. So far, she'd been lucky to encounter none. Some nights she'd sleep soundly, others, she'd dream of the dropship and her closing its door on Bellamy and Finn. Or of the grounders she killed. But worse of all, she'd dream of Mount Weather. She'd dream of Bellamy's guilt and hers too. She'd wake up thinking of him, wondering if he was dealing okay with it all. Clarke remembered his last hug all too well, and the rough shadow of his beard against her lips as she kissed his cheek thank you and goodbye.
To distract herself, Clarke would take baths in the increasingly cold water of a creek nearby and focused on building a shelter. The leaves on the once green trees were turning red, orange, and yellow, and Clarke started to wonder if she would last through the upcoming winter. Her snare caught just enough for her to survive, and she started noticing her hipbones protruding more and more each day, as well as her hands looking less plump.
"What am I going to do?" she mumbled to herself, as she thought of her cold unmoving body laying by some dying embers. They'd never find her. Abbey would live the rest of her days wondering where her daughter ran off to. Had she lived? Had she found civilization? Had she died?
In an impulsive moment, Clarke dressed herself and decided to leave her shelter behind. She had to find something. Somewhere to spend the winter.
She dragged herself forward for two days, almost starving when she found it. The trees were different here, taller, but more scarce. Underneath them, a cabin: small, but beautiful. She cautiously examined it from afar. The day passed and no one appeared. She was right to assume it had been abandoned.
When she reached it, she ran her fingers on the wooden door, pushed it. It was locked, but the shutter on the window next to it wasn't, and she climbed in. Quaint, but enchanting all the same, the cabin had a small kitchenette complete with counters, an unusable sink, and rusted utensils. On the other end, there was a framed bed with dusty blankets. For decoration, the cabin had been filled with cobwebs that glowed as the sun shone through a sky light.
Clarke smiled and set to work.
The next day, after Clarke had recuperated from hike two-day hike, Clarke hiked once again down the mountain, only to find herself met by the strangest sight. Once the trees dispersed, there was grainy dirt and a vast amount of water. So much that she could not see the other end. Minute waves lapped at the edge and Clarke stepped closer, laughing.
"It's so beautiful," she said to herself, and she breathed in the clear air. Is this the ocean?
She knelt by the water and cupped some in her hand while her knees became soaked. The water on her lips tasted salty, and she laughed again, knowing what it meant. Tears streamed down her face and she sat by the water's edge, enjoying the breeze that blew through her hair. She felt so infinitely free but so utterly alone.
Bellamy's face popped up in her mind's eye once again. "Bellamy… I actually miss you." She chuckled to herself. She hugged herself tight and imagined him sitting her next to her, looking out into the water and admiring the way the light reflected off of it.
The sobs came freely, and she felt relieved. She was finally feeling like herself again. The beauty of the world around her seeping in through her scars and filling her with calm. She sighed and smiled softly. She'd show Bellamy this spot some day. She didn't know when that would be, but she promised herself that she would.
Once she felt satisfied and completely calm, she walked around and looked for food. There was a few edible plants and berries around. There was also fresh tracks of animals, which encouraged her to set up a few traps. She decided to start rationing her food supply. Hopefully it'd last her through winter, and she'd survive.
That night she lit a fire, and once again, she fell asleep thinking of Bellamy, and his scent as she kissed his cheek and hugged him goodbye.
