AN : Hello, Minna! It is I, SicklePickle, and I am here with another fic!

Now I know what you're thinking: "What's with another fic? Re-upload Narcissist Diaries, you bitch!" And ugh, yes, I found it, thanks to a very awesome person, and I'll be re-editing it as of today, so if you're willing to put up with my crap for another week or so, you won't be disappointed!

I must say, writing this fic is a breath of fresh air because I can now show my hilariously awesome GENUINE personality in this instead of always having to drag the inner teenage, psychosocial angst out of me to write up N.D. I swear my (fantastic) readers must imagine me to be some antisocial, jittery, lonely nutjob. On the contrary, I'm quite relaxed and easygoing, and NOT insane (Or at least, I don't think I am...)

Disclaimer : Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me. If I had HALF the money that man has, I wouldn't be living in an apartment in gritty, raunchy Brooklyn, New York. I'd be in Japan living it up with Rieko Yoshihara, the creator of Ai No Kusabi. :-)

Rating : M

Warnings: Contains strong language, awkward sex, humor, Sasuke being a prick, sex, dry humor, awkward budding romance, sex, more humor, and even more sex.

Friends With Benefits~*

Summary : Romantically retarded Sasuke and Naruto both realized that sex without emotions involved was the perfect way to not deal with with the stress of dating. So they are now both determined to accomplish this... with eachother. SasuNaru. AU. Humor.

Song Listening Inspiration For Sasuke and Naruto: "On The First Time" by The Trip (There's not much info about this song, but it's about awkward sex, so it fits this chapter perfectly.)

"On and on, I did not recall,
On and on,
Gonna move too fastly,

Slow down,
Take care, Take it easy now,

A little bit more,
Everything's alright!,
A little bit more,
Everything's just fine!,

Slow down,
Take it back to how it feels, On the first time..."


Not Beta'd : Ignore the grammatical errors, please!


First Go: No Bullshit, Or Rather, Taking A Test


#$%&


"I-I'm, like, totally taking a left right now, dattebayo!" A young male shouted frantically into his mobile phone, increasing the speed of his slightly new automobile to reach his desired person as fast as feasibly possible.

Running a delicate, tanned hand through an unruly, thick nest of dandelion blonde locks, pearly white teeth clench onto plush, rose lips in anxiety, not even bothered when blood began to dot due to the abuse. Only one thought plagued the young male's mind.

I can't screw this up...

Again!

The destination came into view, and he breathed a sigh of relief. "I-I t-totally see you now!" He replied to the voice, but the line went dead shortly after a loud curse.

'Probably just bad service...' He thought to himself, before grinning big once he spotted familiar long brown hair and short skirt. He parked near the still figure and quickly got out, before opening his umbrella, it was raining ramen and pocky outside, and he didn't want his favorite pumpkin orange jeans and matching vest to get wet.

He approached the still girl, a blush dusting his whisker-tattooed cheeks. "Ayame-chan!" He gushed, wrapping a free arm around his soaked to the bone girlfriend, not noticing the deadly aura she spilled out. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to her frozen cold lips. It was when she still didn't move the blonde grew concerned. This time, he really looked at her. She looked a mess. Her hair was drenched and plastered against her face, her makeup ran down her cheeks and she glared daggers into his face through furious, bared teeth.

He stared in confusion, before realizing it. "Ayame-chan!" He gaped, suddenly. "What happened to your umbrella, 'ttebayo?"

She didn't budge. "It. Blew. Away..." She hissed, low, and dangerously.

He stared, puzzled. "Huh? Just now?" He asked. Geez, his girlfriend really confused him sometimes.

She began trembling. The blonde wondered if she was cold.

"No...three hours ago..." She seethed, pretty sure her teeth were going to succumb to the pressure she had on it and wilt to ashes upon her tongue.

The male stared down at the fuming girl in question. Three hours? Why would she lose her umbrella? Did she lose it on purpose?

"Oh..." He trailed off, for some reason, Ayame looked angry. His wide, cerulean blue eyes brightened up again. "Yosh! On to the movie, dattebayo-" He cheered, only to be cut off.

"The movie was over two hours ago!" She shouted suddenly, and the blonde haired male flinched back in surprise from the volume. "You were supposed to meet me here four hours ago, which is why I'm standing here, cold and wet and pissed off!" She continued to shout and the blue eyed young male stared, flabbergasted. Ayame never yelled, he thought. 'She must really be upset...about what, I wonder...'

"Fuck!" She began screeching. "I can't do this anymore! This, us, damn this! I'm breaking up with you, Naruto!"

Naruto's eyes widened as he gaped in shock. "B-but, why? Have I been treating you badly? Am I mean to you? Have you been feeling some type of way about me, dattebayo?" He asked, genuinely growing surprised and hurt.

Despite damn near hypothermic, Ayame allowed her face to soften a bit. "It just won't work out anymore... It's not you, it's me, okay?"

Naruto blinked and continued to plead with his girlfriend. "But Ayame-chan!" He interjected, frowning. "I can, like...totally change, and shit, dattebayo!"

Ayame glared again. "Naruto, when is our anniversary?"

As she expected, he froze, a nervous giggle escaping him as he absentmindedly scratched the top of his head. "Uh...it's uhm...Ch...Christmas or some shit like that, right?" He offered, and Ayame almost saw red.

"Today! It's today! Just like my birthday was two days ago, and just like the anniversary of my mother's passing was last week! You don't remember anything important about me!" She hollered and the blonde flinched again. "A real man is supposed to at least remember things like that!" She screeched, stomping her foot in anger. "But I bet if I asked you my bra size, you'd know!"

Straightening up, Naruto graced his girlfriend with a dazzling smile. "Of course I'd know! It's a 32-C! See, I remember! So can we make up now, dattebayo?" He chirped, cheerfully.

She stared up at him, her jaw dropped. It was almost astounding just how oblivious and naive he was to her feelings. "Grow up, Naruto...everyone else has..." She whispered, shaking her head. And with that, she turned around and briskly walked away from him, not even caring as she was once again engulfed in the excessive, pressurized rain.

The blonde pathetically called after her, sadly not aware that he was, in fact, making it much worse. "W-wait, Ayame-chan, if we break up, who's gonna make me ramen now? Can't we just stay together so that you can keep cooking for me? D-don't go, dattebayo!"

Deflating a little, he watched with a saddened face as his now ex girlfriend walked away, not turning to look back even once.

"Awwwh...who's gonna cook ramen for me now?" He muttered, miserably up at the dark, gloomy sky.


#$%&


"Sasuke."

Almond shaped obsidian eyes didn't leave the screen of his phone as a close friend replied to his insult in the group chatroom with an even more sarcastic quip. A slim, straight nose scrunched up at the vulgarity of the comment, but then thin, pink lips twitched upwards at the rebuttal. He sat, stretched out on his dorm room bed, clad in only royal blue, silk boxers, deeply engrossed in his phone's activities, and in his opinion, looking like how a twenty year old young adult should.

"Sasuke." Rung out again, but his eyes still didn't leave the screen. The young male, in all honesty, with his heart shaped face, framed with long, jet black, shoulder length locks that spiked up in the back, flawless ivory skin, tall build and lean, toned body was nothing short of a God thrown down accidentally onto earth, and deserved to be treated as such.

But even so, the third time his given name was barked out so firmly that he had to rip his interested eyes away from his mass conversation with his group of obnoxious fools that managed to leech themselves into his life with no intention on leaving and label eachother his 'friends', and grace them boredly over the voice's semi-nude figure.

Sabakuno Temari, his girlfriend of two years, glared down at him sternly, one hand placed on wide, mature hips, and gunmetal blue eyes bore deep into his own. The longer he stared, the long he started to see the beginning signs of age on the twenty eight year old blonde woman, like frown lines, because she never smiled, and crows feet, because her eyes were always narrowed.

Shit, she was getting old.

Why he decided to date a woman eight years older than him, and the sister of one of his closest friends, in the first place, he had no idea, he guessed it was one of those 'It had sounded like a good idea at the time' type of things.

She was cold and serious and surprisingly, showed less emotion than Sasuke himself. It had been attractive as hell in the beginning, dangerous even, but as the time went by, and days melted into months, he began to realize that when dealing with the unfeeling woman, it was like he was dating, kissing and fucking himself, and that was, in a nutshell, strange as shit.

"What, Temari?" He deadpanned, pretty damned skippy his conversation with his friends was alot more entertaining than the pair of tits attached to the cold, monotone machine that was his girlfriend.

"What is my favorite color?" She asked, her face remaining expressionless.

Sasuke couldn't help but sneer a little. He was missing an entertaining conversation for this unnecessary shit? His eyes quickly glanced back at the chatroom, frowning as he realized his friends had begun questioning why he wasn't replying back.

"You know I don't deal with that kind of bullshit, Temari." Was all he said, before reassuring his friends that he was very much still there.

She shifted a little, still naked from their 'earlier activities' save for a small towel, ran a hand through her dirty blonde hair, and sighed, before grabbing for her clothing. "What is my zodiac sign then?"

Keeping his face impassive, he looked up at her again. He didn't like that she stood next to him, almost loomingly, like she was above him or something. It unnerved him.

"Don't know, don't care." Sasuke replied, quickly shooting down his dog lover friend's good news with an absolutely rude 'Who cares, Mutt'

"Then what day was it when we first started dating?" She asked, shifting intimidatingly.

"Wow, is your hearing finally going?" He grunted out, growing increasingly annoyed. "I told you already, I don't concern myself with any of that."

He could practically feel the freezing chill of her glare but ignored it to tell his red haired friend to lighten up, and that what he said was 'Just a joke, no need to be so butthurt'

"Who the hell are you texting for your attention to not be fully on me?"

Ah, yes... the jealousy, he mused, a smirk now tight on his face. One of the main reasons why Sasuke stayed with the blonde woman til now. He managed to get some rises out of her because of it, not that he was a cheater of course, but he loved to make her think he was.

Shit, if he had to pretend to be a bigger prick-bag than he already was, then it was well damn worth it for at least he had finally managed to get some emotion out of her.

He thought about telling the truth and say all of his friends, he really did, but decided that he wanted to piss her off, so instead, he decided to say someone guaranteed to make her entire being light up with blatant antipathy. "Ino."

And with that, teeth were bared and fists clenched and unclenched like a professional boxer ready to go eighty thousand rounds. What vandetta she had against his enlivening female friend, he had no idea, but it was always entertaining to see his girlfriend's once in a blue moon display of ire.

"And here you are, with the nerve to be texting that whorish wench in front of your own damned girlfriend?" She seethed.

"Yup." He replied, shortly. He definitely wasn't going to tell Temari that, in truth, Ino was in fact a lesbian, and had no interest in him whatsoever, because then what was the point if he couldn't aggravate her anymore by dangling his social status with the other girl in front of her?

She then sighed heavily, much to Sasuke's disappointment. "Do you care about me at all, Sasuke? Did I really just put in two years with you for nothing?"

He stared up at the apathetic, pretty face of the blonde woman, before thinning his lips. "Honestly, Temari, what the fuck do you want from me?" He asked, his voice dettached due to his main attention being his phone, or rather the inhabitants he was associating with.

"I want to know if I am wasting my time with you, Sasuke." She replied through narrowed eyes.

He quirked up an eyebrow, quickly growing bored of this conversation and the now fully dressed woman in front of him.

"Well, are you?" Was all he said.

He then watched, shamelessly fascinated as her jaw tensed up.

She stared, quiet for a moment, and Sasuke braced himself for Temari's screaming and his mental laughter, before she spoke again. "I am going to walk out of this door, and count to ten, if you are not outside with me by ten, then you can consider yourself single..."

Before the raven could get the gears in his blasted brain turning and formulate a decent reply to his blonde haired inamorata, the dramatic slam of a door was what he was met with.

"One..."

Obsidian orbs eyed the door, an 'are you fucking kidding me?' expression conspicuously beautiful on his face.

"Two..."

She was not fucking serious...

"Three..."

This was the maturity level of a twenty eight year old woman, really?

"Four..."

Was she really expecting him to get up?

"Five..."

He was wearing only boxers for fucks sake!

"Six..."

What the fuck would him going outside in the public dorm hallway in only boxers prove?

"Seven..."

Not a goddamn thing, that's what!

"Eight..."

Holy shit, was this happening?

"Nine..."

Wow, this was really happening!

Grunting in irritation, the now pissed off raven rose to walk across the room to the exit.

By the time he reached the door and pulled it open, Temari was gone, and he was now standing in the hallway of Konoha Uni's residence hall, with probably hundreds of wanting eyes now on him. One girl even slammed face first into a random wall, and all Sasuke could do was facepalm at the sheer stupidity of the students around him. "For fucks sake..." Was all that escaped his lips as he glared at the lustrous eyes and cameras that refused to leave his body even as he turned and slammed his dorm room door shut.


#$%&


An obnoxious, resounding knock had broken the silence of the room.

"Enter." Was the bored answer.

Naruto entered the room, and quickly spotted his tall, lean friend on his portable laptop, typing away on some assignment that probably wasn't due until a month from now.

Damned nerd.

Tossing himself onto his best friend's bed, he flopped onto his back and stared at the back of the raven's head with enormous, cheerless eyes. "Sasuke...what's wrong with me?" He asked.

Sasuke turned around in time to see the forlorn look. He couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at it. The blonde's cute face and pitiable expression was rendered useless on him. After all, he'd been friends with the younger male for fifteen years and counting, nothing the dobe did stirred a single emotion from him, excluding absolute indifference, of course.

"You mean... above all of the other reasons?" He asked, smirking at his blonde friend's frustrated cry and moved just in time to avoid the pillow being thrown at his head.

"You're such an asshole, teme! I just got dumped by Ayame-chan, and I came here for comfort! This is the third girl to dump me in a year! A year, dattebayo! Something must be wrong with me! I might just be unlovable! Oh no, I'm going to die old and alone with thirty cats!" The blonde exclaimed, dramatically falling back onto his stomach on the bed.

Sasuke felt no sympathy. "What do you expect, Naruto? The girls, no, women you date want roses for no reason and for you to remember bullshit like the first day you two kissed in full detail and blah blah blah. That is only what an extremely bitch-made man with no other life other than his relationship can give them, which you, thankfully Usuratonkachi, are not, let alone a man in general." He shrugged, not sugarcoating his words in the least. His disconsolate friend lifted his curly, spiked head in response.

"I'm a sophomore in college, goddamn it, and I'm only nineteen... I should be able to have fun and not be tied down when I'm still young...why can't someone just accept me for me, and not try to shape me into who I'm not...?" Came the whined words.

Frowning at the dismal the blonde displayed, Sasuke spoke. "You and me both, dobe..." He snorted, dryly.

Blue eyes rose up to look at him. "What are you saying, teme? You and Temari are like the most perfect, bastard couple ever...you don't have relationship issues, only us working class folk do..." He commented, smiling weakly.

Sasuke sucked in an irritated breath in response. "Not anymore, dobe. Temari broke up with me. And we've been together way longer than you and ramen noodle girl, yet you don't see me sulking. It's just a relationship, it's not written in stone that you're unlovable. Get over it."

Huffing, Naruto sat up on the bed. "You're always so blunt, you bastard..." He glared, before sighing heavily. "Why do girls want to settle down so fast?" He asked out loud to no one in particular. "Why do they want to throw away their youth and not get to really enjoy it?"

Sasuke stared in well disguised awe. "That is probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say, dobe.." He chuckled as the younger male scowled at him. "And I don't know, they end up letting themselves go at a young age, and become bitter old bitches..." He trailed off, glaring at the floor, pretty sure that when he marries Temari, she'll be an old bitch before the kids even pop out of her.

"Relationships...are so...draining..." The words were slow and slurred and the raven immediately knew the other was falling asleep.

A messy raven head glanced over at the slumbering blonde, before he heaved out a deep, ragged sigh that almost rendered his body boneless.

Damned Temari.

He rose, and dusted off an expensive silk button up, equally costly black slacks and ventured over to his temporary sleeping quarters. Said quarters were, before a certain fair haired twit entered in his usual cacophony filled fashion, serial killer spotless, but now housed the limp body that rose and fell with every inhaled and exhaled breath.

Dark orbs bore into the sleeping face, a piqued look in his eyes almost as if he half expected the intensity of it to rouse the much smaller male awake. A sudden beep tore Sasuke away from his one sided staring contest, and once again his attention was majorly on his cellular phone.

Which was under the blonde.

A dark eyebrow twitched.

Goddamn it.

Placing one knee onto the bed, long, ivory fingers danced over the lithe body for his main source of true enjoyment, besides his counterpart that he was currently molesting, of course, that and his girlfriend, or was it ex now? He didn't know, they were always hip and hip, and without her constant, nail against chalkboard nagging, everything felt far too foreign to be genuine.

His fingers found their way under the blonde's stomach and once they enclosed around his little silver machinery of wonder, he felt like doing twirls of jubilance if he was convinced that no one would pop out and catch him in the act. His paranoiac ways were a blessing and a curse.

Suddenly, the orange clad lump of flesh shifted unconsciously and moved onto his back and took all of Sasuke's damned arm with him, dragging him close, forcing both his knees onto the bed and causing him to hover over the utterly unaware blue eyed menace.

Sasuke's nose brushed against his oblivious assailant's, and he couldn't help but let his mouth thin at the feeling of vexation from seeing the usually rambunctious younger male so mute, save for the cold puffs of air that ghosted against his cheeks from plush, rose colored lips.

Color left the already milk pigmented skin, endless dark eyes widened, and a moment went by, before a sick thought ran by in his mind. So sick in fact, that a deep grimace found its way onto his face. It had been quick, speedy and fleeting, just there for the slightest moment, but the thought had still been there. And it had been as disturbing and disgusting as he didn't know what.

Sitting calmly back on the bed, he palmed the cellular device, and alerted his friends rather rudely that the bumbling moron had been promptly dumped and to prepare for the water works about how he couldn't purchase his beloved "ramen" without the girl glaring or potentially poisoning him.

He sat back, looking at the dead weight blonde, frowning deeply when he realized he had been carefully observing his crony's features. Another scoffed out sigh left his body as he looked away again.

"Gross..." He muttered.


#$%&


"Holy shit, I can't believe it, hahaha!" The tanned male tilted his shaggy chestnut brown head back to bark out a loud, boisterous laugh. His red, triangle tattooed cheeks threatened to reach his ears from the grin that adorned his face. "I can't believe both of you guys got dumped on the same day! Especially you, Mr. Heartthrob! Guess you aren't as irresistible as you thought you were, huh?" He snickered, while his circle stared in growing horror and wondered if Kiba had a death wish.

"Hey, shut up, dog breath!" Naruto exclaimed, a flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. "I really liked Ayame-chan!"

Kiba snorted. "Yeah, just like you really liked Shion, and Shiho, and Tenten and-"

"Alright, goddamn it!" He butted in. "I can't keep a relationship to save my damn life! I friggin' admit it, dattebayo!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, before theatrically sliding back down, much to Kiba's sadistic enjoyment. Obsidian eyes narrowed and decided to come to his companion's rescue in a subdued, asshole-ish fashion.

"I'd shut the fuck up if I were you, mutt." Sasuke hummed distractedly, and decided he was more than prodigious enough to be engaged in a chatroom conversation his other group while sitting with his original circle. He quickly shot down his strawberry blonde haired female friend's invitation for "coffee" in her dorm room, though. "Coffee" being the obvious ploy to finally bestow her ensharpened claws and drag the male down into God knows what void pit of nothingness.

Tearing his eyes away from his cellular, his eyes flicked up to a flinching Kiba. "You do realize that I am now single, and Hinata comes in a close second to competing with Temari's double-d's. Don't try me... You know what they say about quiet girls...don't you?" He trailed off, an acrid smile on his face when saw the brunette gulp in anxiety at the mental nightmare of the raven haired male tainting and deflowering his sweet, pristine crush.

Naruto didn't realize Sasuke's intentions, and pointed at his friend. "Why you gotta be such an asshole, teme? Are you sad 'coz your girlfriend dumped you?" The obnoxious blonde hollered, making the male in question cringe with belligerency glowing in his eyes.

"Whatever." Sasuke huffed at Naruto, a little less than enthusiastically. "We'll get back together in time, Temari just wants me to be more... susceptible..." He paused, and he, Naruto and Kiba shuddered at the atrocious thought of an emotionally in-tune Sasuke. "It's what women do."

"Um, I resent that, Sasuke-kun." Ino snapped, rather petulantly. "I don't do that, and I'm a woman." She eyed him patiently, almost bating him to reply.

He stared at his almost swain with a horrifyingly blank look. He supposed all of this was her fault, considering he wouldn't have been dealing with this Sabakuno bullshit if the damned blonde haired enchantress would've agreed to shack up with him all those years ago in the first place. But no, she just had to prefer the apex between her own legs, instead of his. However, instead of tastelessly bringing up the mutilated subject, he decided to be a prick instead.

"You're a lesbian. You don't count." He said, as a matter of factly, before placing his palm under his chin in a philologist expression. "But you can't quite count as a man either, considering you go for a-cups."

Even Gaara, Temari's semi-homicidal, cherubic faced younger brother had to widen his jade green eyes from the vehemence of the retort.

The aforementioned a-cupped young woman shifted next to her steady of three years, her discomfort more glaringly obvious than if it were stapled to her forehead. She hid her childish face behind thick, bubblegum tresses, and thought it'd be best if she remained silent.

Sasuke glowered at the sheepish pinkette with an ill disguised snarl. What did his confidante see in that weak little wench anyways?

Ino rushed to her sweetheart's defense with ease. "Why do you use every chance you can get to bash Sakura? What is your problem? Why are you so mean to her?" She growled. Why was her best friend always a prick whenever her amore came around?

Sasuke bared his teeth, unapoplectic. "Simple. Because she is an eyesore!"

"What did she ever do to you?"

"She hurts my eyes, that's what!"

"You are such an asshole!"

"And your carpet-munching buddy makes my stomach turn!"

Meanwhile, Naruto watched the scene in front of him with saddened eyes. Little did all of his friends know, Sasuke was a lot more human than he led on.

And as Sasuke's bestest friend in the whole wide world, the blonde felt it was his duty to make his buddy feel better. Jumping up off Konoha Uni's park bench, he slapped the waspish older male on the back, and grinned apologetically at his friends. "Sorry Gaara, Ino, Sakura-chan, Dog breath, me and Sasuke gotta go handle some bizz'niss. Ja ne, dattebayo!" He called over his shoulder, while tugging the still aggravated raven in his direction.

"Whatever." Was all Sasuke said, before roughly shoving his shit back in his bag, and let himself be dragged away by his very considerate blonde partner in crime.


#$%&


The duo reached a random Sakura tree, and Sasuke slumped against it before reaching the ground. "Handle some 'business?' Nice one, dobe..." He muttered, dryly, while hiding a genuine smile from the goofy younger male. He failed, and Naruto saw it anyways and plopped right next to him. "I had to get you out of there, Sasuke-teme! You looked like you were ready to kill Sakura-chan...or cry..."

Sasuke raised his head, staring at the blonde, long and hard, before one of his mega-rare grins graced his face. Naruto had seen it five times in the fifteen years of knowing the heavily guarded male, and every time, he stopped breathing and just basked in the radiant awesomeness of it, and felt like something died within him, when the baby pink lips went back to scowling right afterwards.

He smiled at the thought of being one of the four people that got to witness it, besides Sasuke's brother, mother and Ino.

"We should go for ramen. I'll buy, dattebayo!" He cheered in exuberance. Sasuke had to raise an eyebrow at that. "What's with the special occasion of you actually paying, Usurantonkachi? It's not my birthday, is it?" He asked.

Naruto pursed his lips before smiling brightly. "Nah, no occasion, just from pal to pal, and considering you just got dumped, and the fact that you're hopelessly in love with a lesbian, your life is pretty pitiful right now!"

Sasuke's face twisted up in a nasty frown. "Gee, thanks..." He muttered, before looking over the smaller male's shoulder, an ironic smirk finding its merry way onto his face. "As a matter of fact, I think you're going to need some ramen yourself, Blondie..."

Blue eyes widened and the cute features on the blonde's baby face scrunched up in dismay. "Aaaahhh, noooo!" He exclaimed in utter chagrin at the scene. His beautiful Ayame-chan was hanging off the arm of one of the guys from his philosophy class, Aoi, was his name.

Tears bubbled up in his eyes. "I can't believe it!" He pouted, sniffing. "It's only been eighteen hours, fifty four minutes and twenty eight seconds since we broke up! How could she move on so fast?"

He then threw himself into his friend's (un-awaiting) arms and buried his wet face into the shirt that probably cost more than his own damned soul. "Sasuke-teme!" He wailed, pathetically. "Hold me, 'ttebayo!"

Rolling his eyes, he shoved the blonde off of him, before raising his hand and bringing it down across his annoying friend's face. "Get a hold of yourself, dobe. I thought only girls cried about this kind of shit."

"Oww..." Naruto whimpered, cradling his now red cheek. "But how? She was my everything, dattebayo!"

Sasuke massaged his temples, feeling a headache form behind his eyes. Was this how Sasuke looked mentally after he was dumped by Temari?

Dear God, he hoped not...

"You dated her for three months, dobe. Three. It's not even that serious. Damn it..." He mumbled, the massaging doing nothing to quell the throbbing pain of his skull.

"What do you mean? I have a lot of feelings for her!" He defended.

"If she was your everything, then how come you don't know her last name?" He asked, his eyes narrowing on its own accord.

As expected, Naruto shut his mouth. "I-I do!" He stammered, unconvincingly. "I-It's...uh... Teraki...right?" His blue eyes darted around, what for, Sasuke had no idea.

"It's Ichiraku, dumbass! Goddamn it, you go there everyday, how can you not know that?" Dammit, Sasuke hated yelling, but it seemed like it was a necessity when engaging in conversations with the bull headed, stubborn dobe.

"Well, I'm sorry!" The watery eyed male shouted back. "I'm sorry for being stupid! I guess I don't deserve Ayame-chan, or anyone for that matter! I guess I'm just gonna die alone then!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, despite the headache. "You throw yourself into relationships with anyone that asks you out, you loser. You don't have to be in a relationship, you know..."

His face scrunched up again in confusion. "What?" Naruto asked, not quite getting it. "But if I'm not in a relationship...then how am I supposed to...y'know..." He trailed off, looking away and gesturing to between his legs.

And for a moment, Sasuke thanked his ability to be patient, because right now he just wanted to scream and strangle his childhood friend. "You don't have to be in a relationship in order to be intimate, stupid..." He muttered, running a tired hand through his hair, before resting his head back on the tree. "I know I'm not. Not anymore. Fuck Temari, and fuck relationships. Right now, I'm just going to fuck and live life comfortably... Like Gackt."

"Huh? You're giving up, 'ttebayo? All you have to do is apologize to her, and she'll come back to you with no hesitation!" Naruto clamored, and Sasuke grunted at him. But he didn't notice, and kept babbling. "Besides, I think you really love Temari, even more than Ino!"

Illimitable, caliginous eyes opened slowly and Naruto flinched back on instinct, the look on Sasuke's face screamed 'Don't go there'.

Grumbling to himself, Naruto's eyes adverted. And the dark eyed male sighed for the fiftieth time that day. "We, dobe, us...we don't need to be in relationships." He started. "All it is... Is drama, and fucking women trying to turn us into someone we're not. The both of us need a relationship that is sort of like... Taking a test... You go in, you do your thing, and when it's over, you pat yourself on the back, and never look back until the next time..."

"Like taking a test..." His companion muttered, thoughtfully. A bright grin met his face. "You're so wise, teme!" Naruto laughed, and playfully nudged his taller counterpart. Rising and dusting off his orange jeans, he held out a hand for Sasuke and smiled a little when he took it.

"C'mon, teme, let's go back to your dorm, ya'know, coz you're the only one without a roommate and shit!"


#$%&


The movie was called 'April Story' and it was borderline codswallop. Sixty seven minutes of the dark haired male's life, gone, and he could never get it back. And his polar opposite, of course, found it was more inspiring than 'Moonshine'

"Awwh, see, teme? Why can't any of my relationships be like that? We fall in love and live happily ever after! It's just a shame we don't ever know what comes after the final scene, dattebayo..." Naruto trailed off, thoughtfully.

Sasuke snorted in response. "Yes, we do, it's called 'hentai'. Then the bitch lets herself go, and then you're trapped with that for the rest of your life, unless you're smart enough to break free from it..."

Naruto stared, his mouth agape, before closing it and shoving a random pillow from the bed into Sasuke's face. "You're so cynical, dattebayo!" He snickered. "Don't you want to grow old with the person you love the most? I know I do!"

Narrowed eyes again. "And with that mentality, that every girl you meet is 'the one', you'll never be able to keep a relationship, let alone get married and grow old with her..."

"Fine!" Naruto huffed, before laying back on the sizable bed. A tense silence flew by, and the blonde spoke up again. "So...uh... I've been thinking about what you said earlier today..." He uttered, softly.

Sasuke automatically knew what the blonde was speaking about, but decided to make him admit it out loud. "That you're a dobe...?" He asked, smirking.

Not expecting that, Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that I'm a...wait! No, damn it!" He shrieked and Sasuke chuckled at his gullibility. "Then, what? I have no idea what you're talking about, Naruto-chan..."

Seething, the light haired male sighed, before fidgeting. "Uh...that I don't need a relationship in order to...y'know..."

The smirk widened. "No, I don't know."

Too easy.

Crying out in frustration, Naruto tugged at his thick tresses. "Damn it, Sasuke, to have sex, okay? There, I said it! Are you happy now?"

"Elated." Sasuke grinned again, huh, a smile and two grins in one day? Leave it to the dobe to get these kinds of reactions out of him. "So, what have you concluded?"

"That there's no way in hell that I can do it!"

Sasuke's lips then thinned, he expected his best friend to grow some balls, follow in his footsteps, and learn to be realistic like himself, not pussy out before he even tried it. Unbeknownst to the moron, it actually pained him to see the blonde annoyance's heart always getting broken. "Why do you say that?" He asked, his eyebrows twitching.

Sitting back up, Sasuke couldn't help but scowl at the tearing up blonde. "Because teme, if me and a girl engage in a relationship, doing only...that... I'll end up getting attached, and then I'll fall in love with her, and then she'll leave me, and then I'll be depressed, and then-"

"Damn it, dobe, shut up!" Sasuke groaned, massaging his temples again. "What will the girl have to be like in order to guarantee that you won't fall for her?"

"I don't even know!" Naruto cried. "Even if she isn't pretty, I might just fall for her because of her personality or something!"

Sasuke opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. He blew out a breath. "So, you're saying no matter what the girl looks or acts like, you'll fall for her?"

A frantic nodding of the head.

Sasuke growled, now irate. "Damn it, dobe, you're giving me a fucking headache again!"

The blonde sniffled, hurt. "Well, I'm sorry-"

Sasuke frantically cut him off. "No!" He shouted, not wanting to deal with his friend's waterworks, before sighing yet again. "Just... Let me think... Because this applies to both of us... A relationship in which the two only use each other for intercourse, no emotional attachment whatsoever..." He said, lowly.

Naruto nodded hurriedly, encouraging his intelligent friend to keep assessing the situation they were both placing themselves into.

"No drama, no anniversaries, no clinginess, no emotion at all..."

A nod.

"And you have to be completely unattracted to the person for this to work... With the guarantee that you will never fall for them...at all...ever."

Another nod.

"And you're saying that it is damned near impossible to do this with any female, because you will inevitably fall for her. Am I correct?"

One more nod.

"For fuck's sake..." He lamented, and grimaced again when that sick thought from earlier came back full force. A deep shudder of disgust ran down his spine. "Damn you, Naruto..." Sasuke mumbled, exhaling heavily. "I just came up with an idea. Despite how repugnant and nauseating it is, I think this will work well for the both of us..."

Naruto stared at the taller male, awestruck. "You can help me? How?" He asked, a grin threatening to split his face open.

Yes! There was hope for the blonde after all!

Sasuke rose off his bed, eying the blonde warily. "Yes, but I'm pretty damned skippy that neither of us are going to enjoy this...at all."

The blue eyed male shook his head, his grin never faltering. "It doesn't matter! The girl can't be that bad, right?"

Sasuke shifted all his weight on one leg, and looked away.

A deep breath to ease the nausea, before looking down at the now standing blonde.

"I'll do it..."

Naruto tilted his head, confused. "Do what, Sasuke-teme?"

Clearing his throat, Sasuke was sure he was going to from vomit a moat from disgust soon. So, to distract himself from the bile rising up in his esophagus, he sent a polite text to Gaara. Polite being, 'I'm bored, bitch, entertain me'

"I'll...take the... test with you..."

Big, puzzled blue eyes unnerved him. "What test, teme?"

'Take deep breaths, Sasuke...

It's not his fault he was dropped on his head as a child...

Whatever you do, do not hit him...'

"Goddamn it!" Sasuke growled, losing his patience on the clueless blonde. "I mean that I'll do... it...with you, dobe..."

It then it finally clicked, and Naruto's otherwise comely face contorted into a hideous expression of horror.

"Y...you mean, you'd be...m-my...?"

"Yeah..." Sasuke trailed off, his eyes still not meeting the mortified blue. "B-but why? You're Sasuke!" The blonde sputtered, like it explained everything.

Dark eyes rolled. "Believe me, I know that, every single time I look in the mirror..."

Naruto glared. "Not funny, teme. I didn't even know you liked guys..."

This time Sasuke did look at the scowling blonde, but only to stare at him like he had just been told that he was the key to saving the world. "Dobe, you don't just fuck the kind of women I've fucked, and then like guys...it's impossible." He spoke slowly, stretching every syllable as though his crony were just a mere child.

"Yeah, but..." Naruto started, still doubtful.

Sasuke ran a hand over if face in exasperation. "Are you attracted to me, Usurantonkachi?"

Naruto's curly, spiked head snapped up to meet Sasuke's gaze. "W-what? No way!" He replied, shaking his head repeatedly. "You're a guy, there's no way in hell!"

Sasuke stared back, not offended in the least. "Would you ever fall for me?"

Another head shake, with no hesitation.

An exhale. "Good, then it's settled. We will never be attracted to each other... This is why it will work so well. Besides, you trust me with this more than any female, don't you?" He spoke, lifting up his pinky. "This, honestly, is a little gay, no, scratch that, really fucking gay, but I'm doing it because you are my friend, and I daresay, may or may not enjoy your company. So, deal? Just until one of us are ready to be in a relationship again..."

This, surprisingly, had been the most contemplative Naruto had ever been, or well, not since he had to choose from shrimp or miso ramen all those years ago.

And as crazy and weird and strange as it was, Naruto wasn't surprised with himself when he linked his smallest finger with the long, boney one of his polar opposite. The idea was insane, and horrifically immoral, but it worked. Two very straight individuals release each other's tensions, without having to worry about any emotions involved, and since Naruto was admittedly borderline obsessed with the female population and fell in love with someone new every month, he didn't have to worry about heartache when they grew tired of his forgetful ways.

"Deal..." He found himself muttering, and once again the room was heavy with the aura of unanswered queries, and it made the blonde antsy to start babbling. He settled for one question for now.

"So, uh...when do we...um..."

Sasuke ignored the uncomfortable blonde and resumed his conversation with Gaara from his cellular, perking up when said redhead sent him an 'I've got some bad news for you' that came with an attached picture. Anxiety bubbled within his guts and sent them churning. The image that then met his eyes made his entire being freeze up.

It was hurriedly captured, and was anything but high quality, but it had been enough to send Sasuke's eyes and throat burning.

Temari sat across from an unknown man, from what he could see the man had an atrocious posture, at a restaurant that he recognized as the disturbingly expensive one he had dragged her to the night before. The bright, genuine smile on her face proved that it was anything but a charade.

He jaw began to ache from the abuse of weighted pressure he placed on his teeth, and no matter how many daggers that he mentally incised through his cellular, it didn't make the truth any less fucked up.

Temari wasn't waiting for him.

Temari was done with him.

Temari had moved on.

His left leg bounced up and down repeatedly from the now negative, pent up energy threatening to force his body to release it in the most vicious, spiteful way... Like burying his fist into the man who was dumb enough to shack up with the woman everyone knew belonged to Uchiha fucking Sasuke. His family damn near owned all of Japan, and he was beginning to think that man purposely wanted Sasuke to hunt him down.

His nails dug heavily into the borrowed linen, and if anyone were to see him, they would just think he was in a contemplative mood, but Naruto, who damn near knew the Uchiha more than he knew himself, automatically knew something was up with him.

Sasuke's murderous fantasies were cut off when his cellular was promptly snatched from his grasp. Gaping uncharacteristically, he eyed the blonde, a sudden shame burning within him at the stern expression his blonde crony wore.

"Uh uh uh, Sasuke-teme, you'll get your cellphone back when you calm down, and look less like you're plotting on somebody." Naruto scolded, placing a tanned hand on his hip, successfully imitating the countless times he received this treatment from his mother.

But, Sasuke wasn't having that. "Give me back my cellular, Uzumaki..." He hissed, low and dangerously. He just wanted to mourn his now tattered relationship in privacy, maybe even drink away his sorrows. As bitchy and batshit crazy Temari was, it still hurt. Real fucking bad actually. But, no, his damn ray of fucking sunshine best friend just had to try and turn his negative energy into something productive.

Naruto grinned. "You called me by my surname. You must be really mad, huh?" He teased, loving the way Sasuke was probably mentally torturing him now.

"Dobe..." Sasuke warned, his eyes alight with utter misplaced anger.

"You want it? Come get it, 'SaSa-chan!" He cooed. Internally, he was rather proud of himself. He was the only one who could calm down the choleric raven when he got like this,the only one strong enough to take his God-awfully lethal punches, and rid him of his excess zing.

Expecting words of asperity, the blonde was more than flabbergasted when he was suddenly flat on his back, dazed and confused.

Sasuke loomed over him, an exuberant, sadistic smirk on his face. He wagged his retrieved cellular in petulant victory. "It was inevitable, dobe. In all honesty, you really have no clue what you're fucking with, do you?"

So fatuous, so egotistical...

Damn him.

With a sudden surge of strength, the bellicose blonde reached out his leg to trap it under the Uchiha's ankle,dragging him down, before straddling him. Naruto cackled at the other's dumbfounded expression.

"Take that, you prick! Not so high and mighty now, are you-"

And goddamn it, Sasuke had him on his back again, successfully preventing the blonde's movements by pinning his arms above his head.

Naruto fought tooth and nail, but it proved blatantly futile, and Sasuke's smirk grew tenfold.

"I wonder...were you always this debilitated, or is this a special occasion?" The raven taunted, before growing serious. "Look, dobe, I just want to sulk in peace, maybe even contemplate that asshole's demise a little. Just leave it."

But Naruto wasn't having that. "Well, fuck you too, then! And you're not gonna just sit alone like a loser! I'm going to make you feel better no matter what you say, 'ttebayo!"

Sasuke eyes rolled in response, before pushing himself off the blonde, already growing aggravated of Naruto's tiresome palaver.

But once more, he was at Sasuke's side again, his babbling deafening to the Uchiha's weeping eardrums.

"You're my best friend, you bastard! So no matter what you say, I'll gladly do whatever it takes to make you feel better!"

I don't need this, Sasuke groaned to himself, and in actuality, he didn't. The cacophony was highly unwarranted, especially when he knew all his crony was doing was just bating him for an argument.

After more deadly assaults to his hearing, he turned in breakneck speed, facing the blonde. His stomach bubbled with more antipathy than a little bit. He liked his best friend, he really did, cared about him in ways the stupid teen could never imagine, but he had enough of him, and his help. His fucking 'help' was nothing more than just heedlessly stomping on the knife already deeply embedded in the Uchiha's bleeding heart.

He sauntered up to the blubbering blonde, each and every step as hollow and dangerous as Sasuke's eyes were.

"Do you know what I do when I'm stressed like this, dobe?"

And thank God, he became silent.

Sasuke answered to the silence. "I have sex... So, do you know what that means...?" He voiced, clipped and toneless.

They were nose to nose now, the pumping of adrenalin pulsing in his ears. "N...no...?" Naruto squeaked out, a bad feeling now in the pit of his stomach.

Narrowed obsidian. "Now..."

Cerulean widened in realization of the implied meaning behind the command. "...N...now...? Y..you mean...?" He whispered, in utter dismay.

"Yes. You and me...now, dobe..." Sasuke growled, his headache from earlier hitting him full force.

Naruto stared back, his expression nothing less than mortified. "Wh-what? B-but we're so not even prepared and shit, dattebayo!" He stammered, throwing away the fact that he'd very much willingly agreed to the physical binding into a dark corner of his disconcerted mind.

Sasuke walked over to his sleeping quarters, not even bothering to respond. He grabbed his bag and pulled out the offending object, before facing his companion.

"I accidentally stole this from Ino when I packed up before, but don't worry, she has tons. She won't miss it..." Sasuke started, wrinkling his nose in abhorrent disgust.

Naruto blinked slowly before approaching his dark counterpart. Sasuke was holding what seemed to be a creatively illustrated shounen manga, grabbing it, he flicked through the pages, puzzled. "What does this have to do with us, teme?"

Something then caught his attention. "Hey..." he mumbled. "What's that guy doing to that other guy...?"

A tense silence.

"Holy shit!" The blonde shrieked, flinging the repugnant thing away. "Why does Ino even have that? I thought she was a lesbian! The hell, 'ttebayo? I'm gonna have to bleach my eyeballs now!"

Sasuke leaned over, picking up once again, the newest issue of 'Junjou Romantica', he flicked through the pages also, though his repulsion was notably much more subtle compared to the blonde. "I agree with you one hundred percent, dobe... However, we need this to make... matters... more comfortable for you..." He said,then grimaced at the explicit nature of it, there was nothing romantic about this shit at all... It was just pure porn.

Naruto's face then contorted into an expression of horror again. "M...more comfortable for me? W...wait! No way, dattebayo! Why do I have to be the one to...y'know? Why not you?" He damn near screeched.

Cringing at the volume, Sasuke's eyes twitched. Maybe this was a bad idea after all, maybe he should just go use another girl and leave the blonde dobe to be alone and miserable.

"Because, dobe." Sasuke replied, sighing out a ragged breath. "I'm four inches taller than you, thirty pounds heavier than you, and not to mention my cock's eight a half in-"

"Shut up!" Naruto screeched again, high and shrill, and it was like nails and chalkboards. "Dammit, fine!"

It was then that the high energy dissipated and Naruto was then left standing awkwardly, his eyes glued to the carpeted floor. Sasuke suddenly became intimidatingly taller, and it left the blonde suddenly fidgeting.

"S...so...uhm...uh..." Naruto stuttered, his face alight with embarrassment. Sasuke promptly ignored him, his eyes gracing over every sexually fueled illustrated scene. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right, he scowled to himself. In bed, he was a perfectionist, and it would be no different, just because he was about to...bed...the dobe.

"Alright." He then suddenly voiced. "We're going to start." It was not a question.

Big, cerulean orbs stared up unblinkingly. "So, what do we-" His inquiry, however was cut short because something prevented him from furthering it.

And that something was Sasuke's mouth on his own.

It was so abrupt, so expeditious, that Naruto believed that squawking like a little girl, and backing away, his hand clapped over his mouth was more than justified. "Wh-what the hell was that, 'ttebayo?" He blabbed, frantically.

A perfectly sculpted eyebrow rose. "It's what people do when they're about to-"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it, teme!" He interjected, pointing viciously at the indifferent raven. "I thought you said no emotions involved at all! And from what I can recall, kissing is a sign of emotions being involved!"

"Are you done?" Sasuke asked, monotonous. "And to answer your stupid ass question; hell fucking no. Now when I'm closing my eyes, underneath me is Otsuka Ai, not Uzumaki Dobe, so don't ruin my fantasies by opening your annoying mouth, got it?"

Naruto gaped at him, his mouth shutting closed at his words. "Fine, be an asshole!" He growled, but his other threats and whining died up in his throat when his back met the firm softness of Sasuke's bed, with said boy bent over him, almost loomingly.

Silence reined between the pair, and Naruto aimed to break it. "Teme-!" He tried once more, and yet again, Sasuke's lips found his.

All protests were choked down as his counterpart's mouth worked against his with disturbing ease.

Well, that and tanned, thin wrists had been wearing the Uchiha's long, strengthy fingers very much like handcuffs from the ferocity of its grip. But the familiarity of it left cerulean orbs glaring something serious at the older male. He recognized the feeling immediately. The anxiety, and that damned helplessness again that appeared everytime he went tip for tap with him.

Naruto was being made Sasuke's bitch.

His body went boneless as the humiliating enormity that was this emasculation soared through his being like a rabbit on an acid trip. A sudden slow suckle upon his growingly swollen lips left him shuddering.

Since Sasuke proved to be quite into his Jpop singer apparition, Naruto decided to voice out his own.

An image popped into his mind, and it sent his on body on overdrive. From his otherwise effete state, he returned the skilled liplock just as fervently.

"Mmnn..." Naruto groaned against Sasuke's surprisingly soft lips. "You are such a good kisser... Mrs. Uchiha..."

If this were a movie, Sasuke was sure he'd hear the distant sound of a record scratching off of the music that was supposed to fit for this specific scene. The Barry White tunes he envisioned was boorishly ripped away, and damn it if Sasuke didn't love that man's music when having sex.

He ripped his mouth off the dobe's, and stared. Just stared. The consternation on his face imminent, jaw slack, and eyebrows furrowed.

"A...are you fucking serious?" Sasuke stammered, genuinely horrified. It had been a decade and then some the last time Sasuke showed this much emotion; he was turning seven and his older brother, Itachi, decided to be a prick and get his group of equally prick bastard friends to practice their new dodgeballs on him.

It had been a bad time.

Naruto looked away, blatantly ashamed. "Well, I'm sorry! I can't help it, your mom is hot!"

Sasuke hid his face in his hands, the explanations only worsening in this circumstance. "Of all the women in the world...Oh my fucking God..." He muttered, chagrined, before looking down. "Oh, and what do you know? The image of you wanting to fuck my mother killed my hard on. Thanks, dobe. Fucking. Thanks."

Flinching, the little blonde gulped. "You're not mad at me, are you, teme?" He asked, in a small voice.

And now Sasuke felt like shit.

"Whatever..." He sighed. "Let's just... Continue." Shifting and bending over the blonde, their bodies pressed together, and lips met again.

Since Naruto's arms were once again pinned at both sides of his head, the lack of manliness he felt in this position came back with a vehement vengeance. His nerves were shot to hell though, once Sasuke's tongue swiped delicately at his bottom lip.

Naruto glared.

Stupid Sasuke and his immaculately correct movie kissing.

Alas, the making out as if they were two insecure virgins ceased once Sasuke's mouth began to find refuge on other places.

Thick lashes brushed against a tan cheek with every tight blink, and the raven's mouth found a blemishless throat. Differentials of a sexual nature danced amongst his cluttered mind, mostly Temari, his experiences with her were unforgettable, considering she only showed her too true feelings during intimacy.

But goddamn it, this wasn't Temari. This was not soft, mouthwatering curves, but lithe, firm, barely there muscle. So he had to go with instinct when dealing with the body below him, he did not know what the blonde liked in bed, but judging by the quickened breathing, the dobe seemed to be enjoying his ministrations. Or rather, 'his mother's'.

Input Sasuke shudder.

Butterfly kisses littered the top of the tanned throat and trailed down towards the collarbone, not knowing what to make of the smaller body suddenly jolting, arching upwards, and groaning softly.

Sasuke's nose brushed against the fabrical blend of cotton and polyester that adorned the blonde's torso. The offending orange... thinghad to go.

His fingers gripped both of the tanned wrists and pinned it above the blonde's head with one hand, while the other removed the younger male's top in the most considerate way Sasuke knew how.

And considerate being, he savagely shredded the article of apparel off the lithe body in the most austere way possible.

With a shrill squeak, Naruto's jaw met the floor. "Th...that was my favorite fucking shirt, you asshole!" He hissed, crisply.

Ignoring the apoplectic aura of the blonde, Sasuke rolled illimitable, slanted eyes and tossed the lacerated thing over his shoulder, heedlessly.

"It's disgusting and it got in my way." He shrugged, simplistically at his scowling counterpart. He leaned over the edge of the bed, flicking through more illustrated sexualities of the manga, unflinching at the feel of blue eyes glowering at his back.

Why was the blonde so angry anyways? It's not like the raven had put a gun to his head and forced him into this physicality only agreement, though the Uchiha was starting to believe otherwise from the antipathical aura of his stare.

Okay, so maybe Sasuke wasn't the most gentle lover like the man in the book, who was all romanticality and sensuality with his sultry smiles and spine tingling whispers, but as disenchanting as it was to admit; Naruto was a man, so why the hell was Sasuke supposed to be apprehensive? What was it about this moment that was supposed to have turned him into such an awful situationist?

Unsheathing out his mental sword, he harshly incised it through expendable thoughts. These disturbing 'be gentle' cogitations were unwarranted to the highest degree.

The dobe was a man, for fuck's sake! If there were any pain, he could take it.

...Absolutely.

...Positively...

...Not really.

Naruto was a...special case, the Uchiha realized. He was impeccably more in tune with his emotions than Temari ever was. Then again, a brick showed more emotionally inclined than Temari.

Scowling, the raven's mouth descended downward, until he reached what were supposed to be large, fleshy mounds.

But weren't.

Frowning, Sasuke's eyes bore into the flat panels, almost as if it was something alien that he founded, rather than it being something he also anatomically shared.

"Well, it's nothing like the mammary glands I'm used to..." The Uchiha started. "But I suppose it will have to do..."

Before Naruto could hiss out a nasty rebuttal, his breath was stolen out of his body as Sasuke's tongue flicked over a spot that Naruto was pretty sure was only supposed to cause pleasure to females.

Eyes fluttering shut, comely, rose petal lips parted to emit another groan from them, this one much higher in pitch and colloidal in want.

"Aahh..."

If there was ever a fathomable reason as to why Naruto ever wanted to strike himself, it would be now! He sounded like a desperate whore in front of his best friend and it was embarrassing as hell.

But dammit, Sasuke's mouth on his chest was heavenly, and the raven just had to be the sole reason for his ample pants and mewls ringing out in the quiescent room like gunshots.

A candy pink tongue danced over the blonde's midsection with memory trained ease. Sasuke was not promiscuous in any way, but he knew his way around the bedroom, he had memorized his ex swain's body, with an almost eclecticism.

Naruto cringes at himself after a rather bawdy mewl escapes his lips. Sharp, white teeth lightly graze the sunkissed skin, and sends the entire body below him shuddering.

Fuck, Naruto hissed to himself, only girls were supposed feel this good when they had sinfully delicious mouths on their chests.

Or at least that's what it said in his hentai manga.

Nevertheless, the cold puffs of breath and warm moistness of his best friend's...mouth organ...sent him trembling and arching and gasping, very much like the boy from Ino's freaky, homo porn book.

Naruto's face lit up with heat, another gasp forcing its way out of his body. He supposed this was how Ayame or his other ex girlfriends had felt whenever they...did it.

A sudden tingling and fluttering in his lower body left Naruto's jaw dropping in horrid, horrid realization. Shaky cerulean eyes slowly followed the jet black, spiked head as it lowered from his chest, to his stomach, then to...

Blue orbs were now the size of dinner plates.

And dear God, Naruto had a boner.

And Sasuke's mouth was the cause of it.

The blonde, no matter how much superfluity he fought with, could not form words, but rather heavy panting and gasps.

Sasuke was just as much of a debacle as his crony was, if not more. He just had a better way of obscuring it. He felt his body go on autopilot, and it hadn't quite registered to the raven that he had, from memory, pushed slim, orange clad legs apart until his he felt the tip of his nose meet the very prominent protrudance that was the blonde's...tent.

At that moment, the room became taciturn, and cerulean and obsidian finally met. The flush on Naruto's cheeks made Sasuke briefly wonder if his own expression of disgruntlement matched his.

The blonde was the first to break the taciturnity. "S...Sasuke...?" He began. "A...are you...g-gonna...?" It physically hurt to continue, so he didn't.

A shaky breath escaped the usually apathetic raven. "Y...yeah..." He spoke, and it did not contain the usual bastard-ness.

"O-oh..." Naruto stuttered out, not sure he found this position favorable, but did nothing to remove his amigo's head from between his legs.

I am about two seconds away from abating this entire thing, kicking him out and taking a nap, Sasuke thought in irritancy as he leaned up, to undo the blonde's zipper, before dipping his head back down.

The jeans slipped off with ease.

Fuck.

Taking a not so subtle swallow, a lengthy, ivory appendage tugged down the eyesore that was the blonde's frog boxers. It damn near pained him to bring them down, but he did, and they slipped down with ease as well.

Sasuke refused to open illuminant, slanted eyes, before bracing himself, more sick thoughts floating amongst his mind. One in particular, did the carpet match the drapes?

Abating unwarranted thoughts, he opened them, only to find a scowl make its merrily way into his face.

Leave it to the dobe to be the only man in the world with a "hardwood floor." Sasuke felt his masculinity cry in despair at the sight.

Not a single strand of hair on the lithe body. What the fuck?

"Are you sure you're a man, usurantonkachi?" He grunted out, like his face wasn't in between the blonde's legs.

"Sh...shut up, t-teme!" Naruto maundered, his own manliness threatened at the raven's words. "Just coz I'm kinda hairless doesn't make me unmanly! You look like more of a girl than I do! And I'm pretty sure all those girls you dated were closet lesbians! I still don't eveh know why I'm the one that has to...y'know..." He trailed off, his face far too alight with heat to continue the unfinished verbal castigation.

Despite just how queer and aberrant this situation truly was, the more venom that was spit from those plush, kiss bitten lips, the more it urged him on to shut his thoughts away.

By now, Sasuke wasn't abashed with himself when, before he even realized what he was doing, his hand lifted a tanned thigh over his shoulder.

His cognition shrieked in his mind, demanding to know what the fuck he thought he was doing, but it was all shoved to hell once his head dipped back down and his lips dotted Naruto's inner thigh with feathery light kisses.

With a sudden arch, a disturbingly erotic blend of a moan, mewl and a cry sent the blue eyed boy writhing.

What are you thinking?, Sasuke's subconscious bellowed within the confines of his mind. Sasuke couldn't answer back if he could, because in truth, he wasn't thinking. At all. Especially since he parted his lips to nip, mouth and suckle at the hyperstimulated, trembling softness of that area, earning more moans and soft cries of pleasuring stimulation from his childhood...

Friend?

Brother?

Everything, Sasuke thought fleetingly as his teasing tongue inched higher to his everything's desire, people like Naruto don't just get a interrelation category. No, his dumb ass blonde was more than that.

"Ohh..." The blonde gasped out loud but stabbed himself on the inside for sounding like some chick in one of Kiba's hentai flicks. Sasuke tried not to focus on the spine tingling, jean tightening sounds the younger boy made that rang out in the borrowed space and echoed rather nicely off the walls. He instead thought of Temari, and her new swain, he thought of how the special edition Anita O'Day record he ordered a week ago hadn't gotten here yet, and he thought of how his bliss of routine had now been shattered because Temari dumped him and he was about to fellate his best friend.

Naruto, however, did not have the jubilant luxury of being able to form words like the onyx eyed boy between his legs. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe, God, he just...

Fuck...

Simply put, he'd never been more aroused in his life, and Sasuke hadn't even gotten to the actual... part yet either.

To say Naruto was ready to slaughter Sasuke in frustrated vehemence when he pulled his mouth away to reach for the manga again was a bold, dramatic, flamboyant understatement.

"What the hell, teme? Come finish what you started!" He exclaimed, obnoxiously, his voice like nails to a chalkboard in Sasuke's mind.

Sasuke scrunched his nose up in abhorrence and ignored the blonde's palaver and looked the manga over. If the romantic, dominant man in the comic had been a woman, the fellatio scene would have been much more appealing, but Sasuke was far too giving in bed (which is ironic because any other time, he didn't give a fuck about anything) to skip out on oral, even if his partner right now was someone he'd never be attracted to, ever.

Gazing over each illustration, his eidetic memory took in everything, every single tongue trick and hand grappling the man used on the young male in the book burned itself into his dark irises.

Dropping the now useless, disturbing, homoerotic reading material, he turned to the very nude dobe, and scowled. He resumed to his earlier position, pushing those super-slim, rather long, shapely legs apart before lowering his spiked, raven head once again, his cold breath puffing over the dobe's not-so-small soldier, that stood proud and desperate for attention.

Snorting to himself, he took a firm hold of it, unabashedly, imitating not only the 'Rabbit' man from the book, but also his past girlfriends, and darting his candy pink tongue out to give an experimental lick, slowly dragging up, from base to tip.

The act itself wasn't...entirely damnable, per say, well, it still sort of was considering Sasuke just didn't swing that kind of way. But he believed it was worth it seeing just one stroke of the tongue send Naruto crying out in a feminine, almost innocent and sweet tone, and bite at his swollen lips in a poor attempt to save himself some dignity and handling (what's obviously) his first blowjob without anymore of his ego being mercilessly pounded on.

Once Sasuke began to use his entire mouth to engulf as much as his mouth could fease, the blonde he was pleasuring arched again and moaned and panted to the high heavens like a bitch in heat.

"Aahh." Was all the blonde could pathetically mewl out. It was weird at first, he knew. He'd known the raven loved to.. downgirls whenever he "did the do", he was never shy about that, but, he'd never once dared to cogitate that now that they agreed to...relieve eachother, that he'd do it now.

Not that he was complaining though, he muttered to his subconscious that hurled every anti homosexual slur at him in blatant atrocity and self antipathy, some he never remembered ever even hearing.

That wondrous mouth of the older boy, the one that sneered and deadpanned, and kissed his beautiful girlfriend, and goes down on her, and tells her he loves her, (probably in a sarcastic manner, but the feelings are still there) and call Naruto stupid, and hissed at Ino's wide-forehead girlfriend, is now on his whorish, attention loving erection, slurping and sucking and licking and he writhes (even though the raven's long, slender hand keeps him pinned there) and moans to his heart's content, but there's just one disconcerting word on his mind and lodged up in his throat and fights to come up, like bile when he drinks too much or mucus when a girl breaks his heart once again and cries himself to sleep in pure anger and sadness, asking himself why can't he ever be loved.

But he doesn't say it.

"That's...ohh, fuck.." He gasps out, his hands above his blonde head and tangle themselves in the sheets. It's barely above a whisper and said boy works and laps at his arousal in oblivion like it's his job, and his naturally sharp nails dig into his thighs, and a long, drawn out cry of exhausted euphoria threatens to rip from his throat, because he felt his climax approaching but he never wants Sasuke to stop.

Naruto's sure his nails tore streaks down the sheets for clawing so hard at it, and his throat was going a little sore from the moaning and it's only a blowjob, but he can't give it anymore thought, because he sees white and he's crying out from the sheer ecstasy of it, but Naruto could almost swear he felt Sasuke chuckle around him

The blonde does not know what exactly happened next, but the raven lifts his infinitum eyes and quirks an eyebrow when cerulean eyes are wide with disenchanting horror.

"D...did you...?" Naruto stammers, before mentally punching himself in the face. When did he become the king of sentence cliffhangers?

Sasuke stares back, unflinchingly. "Spitters are quitters." He asserted, like it was supposed to explain everything.

"O...oh..." Naruto muttered, not truly, comprehensively getting it. "Um..." He began, heedlessly abandoning the awed thoughts of what exactly his best friend did with his...fluids.

Reaching under his pillow under the blonde's head, he loomed over the younger male and pulled out one of his handy, dandy contraceptions.

Biting off the top, he unwrapped it with sexually professional ease (Much to Naruto's chagrin) and looked back down at his nude, fair haired counterpart.

"It appears we don't need the book anymore, I can put two and two together as to what's supposed to betide now..."

Naruto's lips did not even spur a chance of parting, before Sasuke claimed them again. Cerulean eyes fluttered closed and he kissed back as fervently, and he simply blamed it on the fact that he was still very much upset about his beautiful Ayame dumping him, and needed affectional contact.

Yes, that was the exact reason.

But that was glaringly blatant, considering he will never be attracted to men, ever.

His hands found Sasuke's shoulders, and the blonde's own breathless pants against those thin, expressionless lips were the only sounds he heard, besides the shuffling of Sasuke's slacks and boxers being pulled down slightly to probably put on the...

Already large eyes widened tenfold.

Oh shit, this was really happening.

His sharp nails dug into the ostentatious fabric as he felt his legs being parted. He distantly wondered why so many guys went gay in the first place. Like, was butt sex a one way ticket to heaven or something? Surely it wasn't all that.

In one fell swoop, Sasuke's very sizable...mini Sasuke was in there, and holy fuck, did it hurt.

Most would grit their teeth and learn to bear with it.

But then again, Naruto wasn't like most.

"Holy shit!" He screeched and Sasuke flinched in response. He ignored the raven's questioning gaze and began to thrash around.

"Aughh! Oh my God, the paiiiiin, dattebayo!"

Grunting in response, a look of discontinuance danced upon the onyx eyed male's beautific features.

"I told you it was eight and a half inches, dobe. Now stop tensing and you'll get used to it-"

Promptly ignoring the male above him, Naruto continued his theatrics. "Holy balls! I'm dying, aren't I!?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. Really Temari never behaved like this. She took everything she got in bed like a power ranger. But then again, this was an entirely different hole he was dealing with, a hole that should and always remain an exit, not an entrance.

"I can't believe this! I'm, like, really gonna die!"

Sasuke scowled. "Naruto-"

"I can't believe I'm gonna die just becoz' I'm having sex with my best friend!"

By now, Sasuke didn't know whether to laugh or facepalm. Sighing because the blonde's cacophony still hadn't ceased, he pushed tanned legs apart and pulled out slightly before pushing back in as deeply as he could fease.

Before Sasuke could repeat the action, to his jubilance, it shut the blue eyed boy up, and sent him gasping and arching off the bed in sudden surprise.

It was blatant that he was doing something right, so he repeated the action, driving hard into the lithe body, his nails digging into the underside of tanned kneecaps.

However, to Sasuke's utter, pure, white horror, he had nothing to distract himself with, so when Naruto voiced his opinion of the stimulating sensations that now flowed throughout his body in the form of lewd, x-rated cries and desirous groans, Sasuke's face went alight with a disturbed flush.

Eyes filled to the brim with perplexity, Sasuke just could not grasp that the ecstasy fueled vibrato that danced around his eardrums was from the same short, skinny, blonde annoyance who laughed and cried all the time and had that annoying speech impediment that buzzed around his ears annoyingly since he was six.

"A-aah...ohh, f...fa...ster..." Escaped the now aphrodisia blonde's lips. Those sharp nails once again above his head to claw at the sheets, not caring to know that if he continued to shred the sheets, his nails would become brittle and weak.

His jaw dropping uncharacteristically, Sasuke gritted his teeth in panic. He had to find a way to quiet the younger male's porn noises quickly before the Uchiha died of red-faced discomfort.

Reaching up a hand, he slapped it over the blonde's moaning lips.

Hard.

With a yelp of sudden shock and pain, Naruto's cloudy haze of utmost pleasure dispelled and his hands flew over to cradle his now even redder lips.

"What the fuck, 'ttebayo!?" He shrieked, glaring daggers into the now disgruntled Uchiha.

Sasuke frowned, desperate to defend himself. "Stop with those stupid fucking noises, it's weird!" He spat in rebuttal.

And something else, Sasuke thought to himself, but didn't think too much about what exactly those sounds did to him.

"Well, I'm sorry!" The blonde hissed. "It just felt really good, how the fuck else am I supposed to sound? Fine, I'll try to quiet down for you, is that alright?" He grumped.

Speechless for once, Sasuke sighed, parting those damned tanned thighs again. He chose to quicken the normally slow pace a little, now determined for this to end, hearing his best friend's provocative vocalization, it made him stiffen up and go all red in the face.

Untrue to his word, Naruto voiced his pleasure by softly crying out repeatedly, one hand tangled in Sasuke's comforter and the other digging in the raven's shoulder, all the while Sasuke hid his cherry red, burning cheeks into the crook of the Uzumaki's neck, successfully bringing the boy below him to climax all over again, the lithe body shuddering and breathless groan escaping those damned lips of his. Sasuke followed after, far too freaked out with this entire experience to make a sound.

Lifting his head, endless eyes met cerulean, and it was then, that Sasuke really took in the blonde's disheveled appearance. From the sweaty, wild cornsilk hair, half lidded, darkened eyes, panting, swollen lips and glazed over expression, he looked a little...

Before Sasuke could register what exactly he was doing, he lowered his head so their noses touched. It seemed his subconscious was determined to claim those lips again. Almost a centimeter away, rose lips seemed to part in anticipation.

Or at least, until the blonde spoke.

"So...is there a chance that I'm gonna, like...get pregnant now or something?"

With the illusion shattered due to the blue eyed male's imbecility, Sasuke scowled and ripped himself off the stupid boy and thrown away his now used contraceptive. Looking down at his now ruined shirt, he growled to himself before ripping the door open and stomping away to the bathroom.


#$%&


It was now two in the afternoon and Sasuke felt like murdering someone in cold blood. Being a business major, his classes were alot more susceptible to group and partner assignments. Leave it to his fate to not only have one of his fangirls as his assigned partner, but that lazy, stupid motherfucker, Nara Shikamaru who stole Temari from him was his partner also. His devil in human's skin older brother had randomly called him and told him he'd be popping up at his university soon. And to put the cherry on the top of his fantastic fucking Monday, he'd hadn't seen Naruto since Friday and he was supposed to be on his way to visit him and his circle right now.

Fuck.

The only thing that calmed Sasuke's unstable nerves were the sweet, poetical lyrics of one of his favorite American jazz singers.

"Skylarkkk...
Have you anything to say to me?
Won't you tell me where my love can be?
Is there a meadow in the mist,
W
here someone's waiting to be kissed?
Skylark..."

Pulling out one of his handy cigarettes, he placed it between his lips, and fished around in his pocket for his lighter. Lighting the fag, he inhaled with a long drag, before slowly blowing the smoke back out. He sat at a nearby bench, the university's recreational garden area looking much bigger now that he was tired and out of zen.

Looking down, he watched in indifferent fascination as the pumpkin orange high tops stopped right in front of him.

Dead obsidian eyes looked up at the fidgeting blonde. Sasuke's fought off a scowl. "Hey, dobe..." He greeted, nodding his head to him.

"Hi, teme..." The tense boy whispered, softly. "Uhh, how was your weekend, 'ttebayo? Kyuubi popped up outta nowhere and we spent the weekend camping. We even saw a bear, isn't that funny? Hehehehehe..." He trailed off with an awkward, broken off giggle of nervousness.

"Hilarious..." Sasuke deadpanned, not caring to beat around the bush. He sighed for the eightieth time today. "Look, dobe. We're going to have to talk about Friday, eventually...might as well just cease the pseudo pretension now."

Naruto shifted his weight on one leg and looked away. "W...we still have that agreement, right, dattebayo?" It was low, and had Sasuke not have been so close, it would have fallen on deaf ears.

His head snapped upwards to look at the abashed blonde. He thought that of all things, the dobe would try to abate everything and try to banish the encounter to a corner of his mind.

"Yeah..." Sasuke maundered.

"Oh..." Was the blonde's rebuttal. Suddenly, he straightened a little. "Teme? Uhh, s...so, when are we-"

"What's up, bitches?!"

Jolting and yelping like a kicked dog, Naruto blurted out what's been on his mind the last few days.

"He forced me, I swear!"

"...Huh?"

Turning painstakingly slow, Naruto's wide eyes took in all of his friend's matched facial expressions of confusion.

Scratching at the back of his neck, he sheepishly giggled in response and avoided the chill of Sasuke's cold glare. "Ehehehe, what's up, guys?"

Ino flipped her white blonde ponytail over her shoulder and interlocked her fingers with her pink haired steady's, and sat.

Sasuke looked away.

Gaara and Kiba took their seats next to Naruto, who in turn, sat next to Sasuke. Such close proximity sent Naruto on edge, making him skittish and jittery.

Oblivious Kiba grinned wide. "So, Whisker-face, how was your weekend-"

"I did not have sex this weekend!"

Had Sasuke not have been one of the most expressionless people on the face of the planet, he would have choked on his spit, but settled for tensing up his jaw and narrowing his cold, dark eyes instead.

But Naruto kept rambling, obviously not used to going days without announcing his life story to everyone. "A-and it totally wasn't the best sex I've ever had, and I totally didn't get a blowjob this weekend either!"

Sasuke wanted to smack him! What the fuck was the idiot doing running his mouth like that?

"A-and it so wasn't by someone with a really, really awesome mouth either-"

Onyx eyes widened.

"And you t-totally don't know the person either, not at all-"

Oh, hell no.

Drawing his fist back, he used all of his power to dig it into the idiotic blue eyed male's abdomen.

With an "oof" of surprise and utter pain, the blonde fell off the bench, onto the ground, curled up and cradling his abdominal wound.

Jade eyes looked up at Sasuke. "What's wrong with him?" Gaara asked, poking at the wheezing blonde with his foot.

"What's right with him?" Was Sasuke's grunted rebuttal. He glared daggers into the injured boy, and ran an exasperated hand through his hair.

"Fucking dobe..." He whispered, horrified with himself when he felt a smile tug at his lips.

Something told the raven that this "agreement" between them would not end very well.

Fuck...


AN: Well, folks, did you like it? Was it good? Please let me know if I should continue or not, please!

So yeah, I dunno, I liked it and I hope the lemon scene gave you guys all boners, coz it did for me! :-P

The song Sasuke listened to on the bench: "Skylark" by Carmen McRae. I pretty much modeled Sasuke in this after me, so I made him a jazz-fag. Don't judge him...or me.

Reviewer Question: If you were to date either Sasuke or Naruto in this fic, who would it be, and why? The always forgetful Naru or the egotistical, expressionless Sasu?

Anyways, reviewwwww. Because if you don't, then this fic is going straight into the recycle bin.

See you next time! (Or not...)

Ja Ne!

-SicklePickle