A/N: I'm sure this will be one of many following the events in "Exit Wounds". I own nothing, but now I have hope! _______________________________________________________________________________
This case felt like a turning point for Penelope. Not only had she come face to face with the very embodiment of all they fought against, every day, but she had overcome her fears, again and again, to comfort the wounded, to get the job done so that another crazed madman could be put behind bars. She stepped outside to pack down the satellite equipment, but looking around her, she was struck by how discordant the beauty around her seemed when viewed next to the sorrow and unrest within her heart. Walking a few steps away, she gazed up at the mountains surrounding the small town, mulling the events of the past few days.
Her unrest was not only borne of the trial she had undergone. Yes, she felt another small part of her joy, her child-like wonder, had been chipped away and all that was left was yet another dull, dark mark upon her spirit. But at the same time, her heart was under siege, as if stretched too far, a part of it which had been cordoned off, as in a museum, suddenly lit up, dusted off, painfully unfurling again after lying, withered and dusty as a forgotten rose, for far too long.
Her relationship with Kevin had again grown strained, and she wondered, as she had so often before, if the fact that their relationship required such delicate work to maintain an even keel didn't mean that it just simply wasn't meant to be. She understood his concern over the idea of his girlfriend sharing a room, however innocently, with another man, but it didn't excuse his prickly response to any overture of friendship by the team. They had tried to include him, but he simply continued to attempt to pull Penelope away from the job. The strain was wearing on her, the nightmares haunting her in spite of the fact that her position thankfully kept her somewhat insulated from the worst that they dealt with.
If she were honest with herself, there was one reason she stayed. One tall, dark reason with sad eyes and gentle hands. The walls that had grown up between them since she started dating Kevin, and his brief affair with Tamara, seemed to crumble during this trip, and her heart ached, once again finding itself swelling with a kind of painful, tortured adoration. She desperately fought against the feeling, experience telling her that only pain would meet her at the end of that road.
She stared blankly at the vista around her, thoughts turned inward, barely hearing the soft steps behind her.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" She relaxed, letting his soft, deep voice wash over her, pulling her out of her reverie.
"What?"
She heard the soft smile in his voice. "Just knowing that we couldn't have done any of this without you…"
She smirked. "Yeah, pretty much."
Derek frowned slightly, seeing the way her shoulders slumped. "I'm proud of you Penelope… Despite everything that happened, you came back, and you got the job done."
She sighed. "The sight of blood used to make me run away, and two nights ago… I ran towards it…"
He reached out to touch her shoulder, turning her around, letting his hand slide down her arm. She stepped towards him, almost unwillingly.
"It means you're changing into someone stronger than you realize. You cared enough to risk your own life to try and save someone else…"
She looked up at him with watery eyes. "Yeah, but, what's the difference between being strong, and being jaded?" Her voice wavered. "I'm scared Derek … I don't want to lose who I am just so I can do this job…"
He turned to look out at the scenery, and she moved to follow his gaze.
"We are in one of the most beautiful places on earth… I know you see that, don't you?"
She nodded slowly. "Yeah…"
He took her chin in his hand tenderly, turning her face up to look at him, stroking away a tear with his thumb.
"Then we have nothing to worry about. It's who you are baby girl- you see the beauty in every thing and everyone no matter where you go. That part of you is never gonna change and I'm not about to let it." His tone was fierce, his hand still lightly caressing her face. She struggled to contain the aching thrill that went through her body at his soft touch.
She laughed ruefully. "I don't need you to protect me"
He smiled down at her. "Tough, I think I'm gonna stay on the job a little while longer."
"Yeah?" She stared at him, her face a mixture of pleasure and incredulousness.
He nodded, murmuring an affirmative.
Smiling wider, she tilted her head. "How much longer?" There was a plaintive note to her voice which pierced him down to his core. Instinctively, he leaned closer to her. "Every day of my life." She swayed towards him, their bodies yearning towards one another, before she jerked herself from the trance his nearness has placed upon her. She turned away quickly before turning back towards him, a bright smile on her face. "I kinda love you, Derek Morgan…" she said, punching him softly in the stomach. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms.
"I kinda love you, Penelope Garcia."
JJ backed away from the scene, smiling softly to herself. She paused, allowing them the comfort they needed before calling out for them to hurry.
Playing dumb, she shouted as she came back around the corner "Derek, you seen Pen? Hotch is ready to go-oh!" She trotted up to them, desperately hiding the happy grin that bubbled up in her at the sight of Derek still holding Penelope so possessively. At the sound of the other woman's voice, Penelope jumped back as if burned, looking about guiltily. JJ frowned inwardly as she saw the shadow that passed over Derek's face when Penelope leapt from his arms.
"Yeah, Jayje, I'll be there in two shakes. Just packing down the satellite. You two go on ahead." Pen fumbled over the delicate equipment, watching as the two figures retreated around the front of the building. Once out of sight, she closed the lid on the carrying case and sat back on her heels, taking a deep breath. If she paused, she could still feel Derek's strong arms wrapped around her; hear the beat of his heart.
Guilt had washed over her the moment JJ interrupted their quiet reverie. Reality burst in upon her; she had a boyfriend, but his name was Kevin, and he wasn't tall and dark, he was pale, and nervous, and pudgy, and tried so hard to be good to her. He couldn't help that she couldn't love him; she knew that was the main reason for his jealousy. He wanted her to love him, he wanted to at least have a chance at her heart. Sighing with resignation, she decided, then, that no matter what was happening between herself and Derek, it simply wasn't fair to Kevin to continue. Yes, she loved having a man's attention, and regular, if boring, sex might be better than none at all; he truly was a good man, and a kindred spirit, but he wasn't meant for her.
Beyond anything, though, she couldn't deny the strength and variety of feelings five minutes in Derek Morgan's arms had stirred in her. Even if she had no chance of ever being with the man who secretly held her heart, she couldn't keep lying. She deserved fireworks, or at least something close. More to the point, so did Kevin.
Penelope stood, brushing the leaves from her knees, and carried the satellite to the waiting SUVs. Instead of climbing in next to Derek as she longed to, she walked past, seating herself next to JJ in the first car. She smiled at the blonde woman then turned to the window, staring out the whole way to the airfield.
They boarded the jet quietly, each lost in their own worlds of exhaustion. Derek was confused by Penelope's actions earlier. Almost every other time she had been in the field with them, she had stayed close to his side, enjoying the extra chance to be together. The fact that she had passed him to sit in the first car, then didn't speak to him as they boarded the jet concerned him. He knew things had shifted between them; he also knew she had a boyfriend. He watched her get settled into a seat and immediately set her laptop on the surface before her. He slid into the seat opposite.
"You know you can't use that yet, you'll crash the plane." He teased her, gently, still unsure where they stood after the way she had pulled herself from his arms so abruptly.
She smiled wanly at him. "You know that's a myth, hot stuff, and you know I know it."
He smiled, and pulled a book out of his bag. Whatever was going on, she wasn't upset at him.
Once airborne, Penelope booted her laptop and fired up the wireless internet, thankful as always for modern telecom wi-fi cards.
She logged into her personal email account, hoping Kevin would be logged into the chat system as he usually was in the evenings.
TechGodKL: Penny, u home? Didnt see ur car
DMBGOracle: Hi Kev, no, on plane. Can we tlk?
TechGodKL: cant be 2 bad if IM. Whatsup?
Penelope sighed, running her fingers though her hair. Derek looked up from his book in concern before dropping his gaze.
DMBGOracle: Kev. R u happy?
TechGodKL: no, ur not here.
She sighed. Kevin was smart, he knew where this was going, and would not make this easy on her. She tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling. She really didn't want to do this on instant messenger, but given that so much of their relationship had happened via one form of electronic communication or another, it seemed somehow fitting. She glanced back down at the screen, avoiding Derek's curious stare from across the table.
TechGodKL: Whn will u b home?
DMBGOracle: Kevin. Srsly, r u happy? w/ us?
TechGodKL: of course! 3 u!
She tensed, but then relaxed. They hadn't said 'I love you' yet, and she knew she couldn't. The fact that he hadn't written the word out somehow strengthened her resolve. If he had been in love with her, in this conversation, he would've logged out so she couldn't continue the discussion, or he would have simply written the words fully.
DMBGOracle: That looks like boobs.
TechGodKL: so I said boob u?
She snorted.
DMBGOracle: Ur a dork.
TechGodKL: but u 3 me?
She sighed again. Derek had given up the pretense of reading and was now staring at her, cataloging the symphony of sighs she was making. "Everything okay over there sweetness?"
She smiled over at him.
"Ask me in about five minutes."
Derek arched an eyebrow at her, but said nothing.
DMBGOracle: Kevin. I 3 u, but I don't love you.
TechGodKL: ouch. Slept on floor huh? Don't buy it.
DMBGOracle: chill. Situation nvr evn came up. Lots happened in AK. Kev, pretending isnt kind 2 u or 2 me. U deserve wow, we don't hve wow.
She chewed her lip nervously when he didn't immediately respond to her.
TechGodKL: we cld. If u chng depts, btr hours? New ppl?
DMBGOracle: 2+ yrs is enough. We hve tried… I jst cant b wht u need, this isn't wht I need, and U dsrve so mch more. Its not fair 2 either of us. I do 3 u… u r awesome prsn, Kev. I gotta find wow, tho.
Before he could respond, she logged off. She knew if she allowed the conversation to continue, he'd convince her to try again, just one more time. She had to be finished with him, with the situation, to move forward. If she had learned anything about her new, stronger self in Alaska, it was that she needed to be honest, to herself, and those around her. She shut down her laptop and packed it in her bag.
Derek looked at her over his book. She arched an eyebrow at him, smiling. He laid the book down on the table.
"Sooo…?"
"So what, hot stuff?"
"What were you doing over there?"
She looked at him, after so long allowing herself to feel the butterflies his handsome face stirred within her.
"Being honest. It's my new thing."
