So, I wrote this because currently; I am experiencing this lose. A freind told me that it's good to sometimes write it out. So, that is what I did. I'm sorry if some of you read this and hate it or think something like this shouldn't be posted on FFnet, but this is currently my feelings. Well, a dimmed down version. The true emotions coursing through me is 1,000 times more heartbreaking than what we have here. Thank you to anyone who does read this.
The girl in this, I didn't name but I imagined Shizuru as I wrote it. Towards the end, I even put in a younger brother to kind of push it that way. To anyone who has suffered from this kind of pain, my heart goes out to you. You are all os brave and strong.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
She stared unwavering at the screen. Her mind coming to a screeching halt as she tried absorbing what she was seeing. Her blood ran cold and all but evaporated from her body, as an unknown feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. There was no sound. No movement. No blood flows. No heartbeat.
"I'm sorry."
She turned her eyes away from the screen to look at the tech, who gave her a small, sad smile and started to clean the jelly from her stomach. She blinked and looked back at the screen before the tech shut off the machine.
She was instructed to go back and wait in her room and the doctor would be in to see her soon. As she sat there in the chairs, her eyes fixed on the wall in front of her. She felt it again, that small pang in her chest. Should she be crying? Should she be screaming? Should she be laughing?
She didn't anything. She was just…hollow. There was an emptiness inside her.
A knock sounded at the door and her doctor came in a moment later. He took the chair next to her and let out a small sigh as his eyes rose to meet her own.
"So, there is no heartbeat. You're 10 weeks but the baby is only measuring 8. This is a miscarriage, unfortunately." Her doctor placed his elbows on his knees and laced his fingers together as he gave her a remorseful look. "You have three options as of now. Number one, you can let this happen naturally. Your body will start the process of dispelling the fetus and tissue on its own. Number two, we can give you some medication to speed up that process, make it go faster. Number three, we can do surgery. We'll do a D&C and go in and remove the tissue. It takes about 15 minutes and it's all over."
She nodded as she looked away from the doctor to think about it for a moment. Could she pass the baby on her own? Was that something she could do? The more she thought about it, the more she got her answer.
"I'll take the surgery. I don't want to pass it naturally." Her doctor nodded and sat up straight.
"Okay, we can get that scheduled for you. Hopefully, it'll be later this week or early next week."
She thanked her doctor and shook his hand as he went to leave the room, telling her to take all the time she needed. She waited a few minutes before grabbing her purse and walking out the door and out of the clinic. She received mixed looks from the staff and the nurse told her they'd call her when they had the appointment made.
As she stepped outside the doors, she paused for a moment as the morning breeze blew through the trees and hit her face. Pulling her jacket tight around her body, she started to walk down the sidewalk and towards her home.
Her baby died.
She kept her composure until she made it to her house and she made sure her brother was gone before going to her room and opening the front drawer on her desk. She picked up the first ultrasound photo's she took. She was six weeks, but they were able to see the baby and she seen the fluttering of the heartbeat.
Her hand shook as she stared at the small bean sized baby in the picture. Just two weeks after this was taken, she lost it. She would never know if it was going to be a boy or a girl. Never know the joys of carrying the baby to full term. Never hold her baby in her arms. Never get to hear him or her call her mama.
That feeling in her stomach twisted like a knife and grief washed over her being like a cold bucket. Tears rolled down her cheeks to land on the sonogram picture and she raised her hand to cover her mouth to stifle her sobs. The feeling of being a complete and total failure slammed into her.
Why did this happen? She did everything right! Took her prenatal, ate healthy, did not heavy lifting. She quit smoking. She stopped everything! So, why did her baby die?
Her knees buckled as she sank to the floor, the picture falling from her hands as she buried her face in them. This was too much. The emotions that raced like a stampede through her heart was overwhelming. Her breathing came out on short, small gasps as raw emotions squeezed her windpipes and crushed her heart. Anguish and pain. Love and lose. She couldn't do this. It was too much.
She didn't realize that her sobs had grown into full-out gut-wrenching cries until the door to her room opened and her brother calmly walked over to her.
"Sis?"
She pulled her hands away and looked up at him. His eyes ran over the picture on the floor, the papers on her desk, confirming the miscarriage and then her face and his face twisted as it dawned on him why she was crying.
"Oh, sis." He kneeled next to her and wrapped her in his large arms, bringing her against him so gently. She collapsed in her little brother's larger frame and cried her heart out. He just held her tightly and rocked her gently as he comforted her the best he could. Shushing her softly, as his hand ran over her hair
She lost her baby. She lost her little miracle.
The worst part, she'll never know why.
I'm sorry again, but I had to get this out. The pain right now is unbearable.
Thank you for reading. Have a blessed day.
