*before anything happens on degrassi , I thought I would write this... And then before or maybe after the lockdown I'll write how I think it should go down and then If i write about the lockdown After the lockdown I'll write how I wanted it to happen.* hang in there.!

Clare's Pov

His smile, his laugh, his sarcastic attitude, and of course good ol' morty. Yes that was Eli the one guy in my life who could make me laugh without telling me to do the dishes all in one sentence or the only guy who was there when no one else could be there. Of course there was always what i thought to be something different about Eli. Not just the fact that he had some weird infatuation with death. He definitely had a secret but he was the type of person where it is completely mind boggling once you do find something out about his past. I guess you could say he's charmer without trying but a ghost of his past.

" Hey Eli. Why don't you talk about your past?" he was sitting on the very top of the bench and i was sitting on the seat. He looked down at me with sad eyes.

" 'cause its not important anymore" this made me think in over drive.

" so your saying something happened. You just don't want to talk about it?" He leaned down and whispered to me , sending chills down my spine.

" within time blue eyes." the sadness wiped from his eyes almost like windshield wipers plowed over his eyes exchanging it with a more pleasant and happier look. I looked down at my hands and realized someone else's were grasping mine. I looked up to see Eli. I gasped and ran out of breath , and like the many times something intimate like that happened with me and Eli i did the same thing , and just like every time he got the hint that i was relationship awkward and he'd stop whatever he was doing. Only as our friendship grew I didn't want him to stop.

" but you know you can tell me anything and it stays between me and you? right. . . ." he tilted his head and sighed.

" you sure are dumb for a smart girl . . . . if you don't know that i trust you" his smile meant everything to me. Knowing that he obviously had a tough time in the past but he kept on smiling. Well that just showed how strong he is. Long story short I like Eli. but he probably doesn't like me. I mean he's the kinda brooding dark sensitive poet. Im the catholic goody goody . Here goes nothing.

" Eli do you like me?" he gave me one of the most confused looks I've ever seen on a human being.

" I don't think I'd be here if I didn't" I came up onto the top of the bench where he was laying down, I moved his legs and he sat up at that. Yet another confused look.

Eli's Pov

She doesn't even know who I am. I know so much about her. She doesn't know my darkest secrets , my love for her. But also my hatred for her. She's alive on the inside. I feel like a zombie. Everyday. Those blue eyes piercing into mine. Like beautiful ocean blue colored crystals. There was so much i wanted to say to her. Now seemed like the right time to do just that. She was getting so close to my face that I thought i could scream. Ugh. I don't usually get this mushy with anyone. But i feel the need to say something to her. Her last boyfriend was such a dick. I don't want to be like that. Ever. She deserves better than that.

*gulp* "Clare i need to say something." she nodded politely and waited for what i wanted to say. Instead I threw up all over the edge of the picnic table. She giggled a bit. I looked at her shocked. She didn't look disgusted or weirded out or mad that i just threw up by looking at her. She looked more worried than anything. She composed her laughing and tugged on my sleeve .

"Are you ok Eli?" she had so much sympathy and compassion for everyone but herself it was truly amazing.

"Yeah I'm fine, just one sec though." once again she nodded , I waited 10 minutes to see if I'd get sick again.

" Before I say anything I'm going to get a coke." She giggled again and waited for me to leave. When I had my back to her a tear ran down my cheek of embarrassment. Ugh Eli pull yourself together its just a girl. No need to throw up over her and definitely no need to cry you stupid sap.

Clare's pov

He walked way and I couldn't help but feel so embarrassed for him. 15 minutes passed and he came by with a coke. His eyes were a bit puffy, and he had bangs in his eyes. He sat down and started to talk.

" my breath doesn't smell like puke does it ? . . . . whatever I just want you to know you are probably the most beautiful girl I've ever met. Your fun, you don't care what other people think of me, I mean you can obviously handle puke."

I sat there in silence totally amazed he was saying all this to me in one hangout session. I mean it only took 4 months. Before i could stop myself i lifted my hand to his for head and brushed the bangs out of his face.

" I uh . . . I uhmm." He looked away.

"Yes?." I held His head between my hands and, then kissed him and it seemed like forever before we broke apart. I was totally breaking the rules under gods commands. But i didn't care anymore.

Eli's Pov

Although I did thoroughly enjoy kissing Clare, It felt wrong and right at the same time. I broke off the kiss and she gave me a sad/confused look.

" this is wrong. . . . i have to go" Clare's eyes watered up, crap. She just sat there in shock.

"Did I do something wrong!" she was now full on crying and there was nothing I could say to make it better. "No its not you. . . its me." wow nice one Eli what an original line.

"but I thought you . . . i don't know. . . "

"what, you thought I liked you like that, well sorry for leading you on. . it will never happen again. Ever. 'Cause I can never love a girl like I did Aria. Or at least not now. Your probably very confused so I'm Just going to leave." Then all the sudden the biggest pang of guilt and pain hit me when she slapped me clean across the face. This was not the Clare I knew, She was obviously hurt. She had tears rolling down both her eyes at full speed, one after the other.

Clares Pov

I gasped loudly and covered my mouth with my hand. Tears ran down my eyes and he tried brushing them off my cheeks but i wouldn't let him.

" I'm so sorry Eli for hitting you. But I'm only going to say this once. Stay the hell away from me, your just as bad as K.C! " I ran off and didn't stop until I was at my house.

I instantly went on my computer to talk to Adam. . . He was the second guy I could go to Even though he was a full boy on the inside he was born a girl. . . maybe he's good with this advice?

*bleep* adam had messaged me before i could message him.

.gracie22: How goes it with the Eli factor

clare-e23: you have a long username you know that?

.gracie22: Don't change the subject!

Crap he got me. Well i wanted to tell him what happened anyway. so here goes nothing

clare-e23: come to my place.

.gracie22: okie dokie

Eli's Pov

Ugh. Why'd I do that to her. I had to show her what was up with me my god. I got home and looked in the mirror. Ha. She sure knows how to leave her mark. I mean I really did love her but how do you start dating that quick . . . you cant!

Then all the sudden a Little voice quite like Arias popped into my head. *Eli Get ahold of yourself, you love her. It's time to move on. What happened wasn't your fault. And now that you screwed your chances with Clare, you need to tell her what happened*

For the first time in months I cried my heart and soul out. For the first time in a whole year I loved someone other than Aria and for the first time in my life I felt faithful in myself and I did what i had to. Which wasn't much.

Clare's Pov

" He said that?" clare nodded. "haha clare he's like inlove with you. he may have said those things but he didn't mean them!" Woah now this is completely confusing.

" He seemed pretty i don't know. . . . ughhh" Adam just laughed " Dude calm down , for all you know Eli will come knocking on your door asking for your forgiveness , thats just how Eli is. As if on cue the door knocked three solid knocks, It was Eli. Thats how he always knocked on my door. Adams eyebrows raised, he ran out my back door.

" good luck!" gee thanks. Leave me alone with a guy I hate. . . .sorta. I opened the door. And Eli was sobbing. . ..

"I'm so sorry clare for everything , please just come with me . " I hesitated

"please!" so I did as he said , we drove for thirty minutes and stopped at a ditch, there was a sign with flowers wrapped around it .

The sign read :

Aria L. Harpland 1994 - 2009

loving daughter, cousin , step daughter . . . . and girlfriend

"This is where I killed my girlfriend." His voice was half harsh and it almost seemed like he was smiling? I just stared at him in shock. "not on purpose. But i blame myself for going too fast while driving, Why'd she die and not me?" I stepped in front of his vision.

" It wasn't your fault Eli, I hope you understand that someday , and I also hope someday you can move on." I got into his car and after a moment he did too. He took me by surprise and pulled me in for a kiss and although I was very confused. I was in awe. I ran my hands through his hair, and we broke apart.

" I should take you home, Unless you want to come to my place?" I smiled and squeezed his shoulder.

" only if your comfortable with the idea" he smiled back and gave me another kiss.

"Your my closure with Aria, clare, not my rebound. I hope you know that." I kissed him over and over until we grew tired.

Eli's Pov

I was the happiest man on earth, one more tear ran from my eye . This time not because I was sad but because I was happy. I was letting go of a girl I loved and letting in a girl to my life that I love.

*Hang in there everyone I'll write more soon. Rate and favorite and sub!*