Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me, am simply borrowing them for the purposes of this story.
AN: A short piece based on spoilers from the first episode of Season 6. Not very likely to happen in the actual programme, but I can dream!
I'm Scared
She's sitting on the couch wondering whether she should risk another shower. It's nearly 2am and Lisbon has already been under the hot spray of her shower for close to an hour tonight… She's been trying to wash away invisible marks ever since she got home.
The marks Red John left on her skin are long gone, but she can still feel his mark on her and is afraid that she has been indelibly branded by him now. Lisbon is next, or if not next she is resolutely marked for death. No amount of hot water and expensive body lotion can rub that fact away.
She is glad for this peace, this solitude that she can enjoy in her apartment but that doesn't mean she hadn't wish for another ending to this evening. She wishes she could have had some sort of resolution with Jane, their fight earlier and the subsequent insanity of the day has left them more estranged than they have been for months.
Lisbon half expected him to follow her home and hover in that insufferably wonderful way he has. She knows she won't sleep tonight and was at least hoping to have resolved some of her hurt with her partner. They talked briefly earlier when she was found, but that was deeply unsatisfying in its outcome. He held her hands with a passionate intensity when he first found her and she had worn the marks of Red Johns' hatred all over her face.
She wanted so much to hold him and to be held. But she didn't and she wasn't, so she sits alone on her couch and wonders if hot water will quench the ache in her that makes her want to feel warm and alive and necessary.
Lisbon tugs the soft blanket tighter around her shoulders as she sits back and tries so very hard not to cry. She hates feeling so sorry for herself, but while she is within these walls and alone she allows her fear and disquiet to take hold.
She hears the soft banging at the door for several moments before she consciously admits what the noise means. Someone is at her door and really, at this time of the morning, and on this particular day who else could it be. She groans in weary acceptance that she will not be permitted to wallow alone for much longer.
Wrapped in the blanket Lisbon stumbles to the door and tries to put on the mask she knows she will need to survive whatever they are going to say to each other.
"Lisbon it's Jane, please let me in."
She opens the door just as he has begun to make his pleas to gain entrance, and is struck all over again by how utterly weary he looks. When they argued earlier part of her was focusing on how tired he appeared and what she could possibly do to help – and tonight he looks to have entered into a completely different state of exhaustion and near collapse.
"Have a little patience, Jane – you can come in."
She steps back from the door as he walks into her home. She closes and locks the door, trying to buy herself another few precious seconds to herself to prepare herself for another argument.
She closes her eyes, takes two deliberate and calming breaths and then turns to face her partner. As soon as her back is to the front door Jane rushes towards her and wraps both of his arms round her and pulls her determinedly against him. She is almost trapped against him; her arms tucked against her sides as Jane tightens his hold and pulls her further towards him. His head is on her shoulder, and she can feel the staccato beat of his heart through the thick barriers of their clothing.
Jane wonders if he will ever be able to leave this place, if he will ever be able to function without her in the cradle of his arms. With supreme force of will he allowed her to walk away from him earlier tonight, but he is tired of letting her go places without him. He needs to know she breathes and that Red John has left her with him for a little while longer. He is on the precipice of hysteria, using the solidness of her frame to tether him to sense and sanity and life. He wonders if he can communicate all of this to her with the tenderness of his touch and his breath in her hair.
"I'm okay, Jane. You know this. I'm okay. I know he messed with us today, but we're both still here. It's going to be okay."
She understands the emptiness of her words as they leave her mouth, but she feels the need to fill the fraught silence. Jane loosens his hold a little on her which at least allows her to move her own arms around him. The contact is frightening in its intensity; they have been this close so very few times in their lives. It feels right and wrong all at the same time. She wants to hold him and weep and weep and weep. But she knows that is not who she can be tonight, maybe she could get to that place if this were to ever be over. Maybe.
Tonight she knows she will have to comfort Jane, reassure him and get their partnership back to a more solid place. He moves his hands to her shoulders and pulls back to look into her eyes; she doesn't blink and tries so very hard to tell him how much he means to her in the only way she is ever allowed. She holds his eyes and silently tells him she would do it again; that she would face Red John again, face anyone for him. She hopes so much that he can understand her soundless words.
He moves his hands to cup her face and for a few seconds she almost believes he is going to kiss her but he regards her with anguished contemplation for long moments and then moves to lead her over to the couch. He sits and then pulls her down to rest next to him. She is exhausted all over again from all that they have not said in the last few moments.
She rests her head on his shoulder and curls her legs underneath her body as she sits back as close to him as she will comfortably allow herself. Jane has his arm round her back, his warm hand resting against the curve of her hip. She wishes her memory palace were as powerful as Jane's as she needs this moment to remain in there forever. She feels closer to this man than anyone she has ever known, and for these few moments she is close by him and that is enough.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore, Lisbon. I know today was my fault, and I want you to hear me when I tell you how sorry I am."
"Today was Red John. All Red John. I know the two of us arguing was all our own doing, but that didn't lead to him taking me – it just gave him the opportunity to do it quicker. This wasn't you, Jane. I'm okay. We're both okay. And we will catch this man."
"He wants to hurt you Teresa; he wants us to know he's coming for you."
His fingers dig painfully into her hip as he admits this awful truth. They both know he's coming for her again, and that she is only alive in these early hours because a serial killer wants her to remain on earth for a while longer.
She turns her head to risk a gentle kiss to his shoulder, wanting him to know she understands how wounded he has been by today.
"He won't get me, Jane. I have the best team, and I have you. And I have myself. All of us combined are stronger than Red John. We are, I won't accept you telling me otherwise. We will find a way to beat him. We will find a way to survive this. All of us."
Jane leans down to rest his head against Lisbon's, words beyond him as he concentrates on keeping his breathing regular. He wanted to come over and reassure the woman sitting beside him, he wanted to hold her and yell at her and hold her some more. He can't work up the energy to yell at her for almost being dead; he just wants to hold her because she has remained alive.
He returns again to the dark places he went earlier when he considered life without her, when he truly believed she had been taken from him. He promised himself he would tell her everything if she was returned to him, but he hadn't considered quite how difficult the words would be. He needs her to know how singularly important she is in his life, he needs her to know she is what remains of his life. But he is afraid that her goodness and her kindness will colour her actions and her responses. He doesn't want to insinuate himself any further into her life if that is not what she needs or wants. And yet he can't imagine that he will ever want to be more than three feet away from her ever again.
"You okay Jane?"
He almost laughs at her question; it's so very Lisbon of her to worry about him when she should be on her knees with what she has had to live through today. He wants so very much to tell her how precious she is, how loved she is but he can't risk her heart like this anymore than he wants to risk her life. It's far too late for him to harbour any notions of protecting her life, but he recognises that he shouldn't be here if he wants to attempt to keep her heart safe.
"I'm fine Lisbon. How are you?"
"Fine too."
This time he does laugh out loud, but it's a hollow sound in the quiet of her living room.
"Can I do anything Lisbon?"
"I'm fine Jane; he didn't hurt me not really. I'm fine."
"Okay."
She hears the disbelief in his voice, the hurt almost, but she wants to lie down and sleep now. Maybe she'll need to take a sleeping pill, but for a few hours she wants oblivion from responsibility and pain.
"We'll talk tomorrow, or later today Jane. We can talk and plan our way out of this, you know we can. I can get you some blankets if you want to sleep on my couch, or if you don't want to do that then at least go to a hotel and attempt rest."
Something tightens in his chest at Lisbon's whispered words, and he wraps both of his arms around her and draws her to lean against his chest.
"Please don't make me leave here, Teresa. Please don't make me leave you."
Lisbon returns his embrace as best she can, resting her free arm against the buttons of his vest as she tries to pull him closer to her.
"I'm scared Jane, really scared."
"He won't get to you again Lisbon, I promise. He won't get close enough to hurt you again."
He whispers his words into her hair, as he tries to align every part of himself that he can next to her. He finds himself uniquely unwilling to allow any distance between them.
"I'm not afraid of Red John, Jane. I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid of how selfish I want to be."
He moves them from their almost comfortable place against the cushions of the couch as he takes hold of Lisbon's hand and stands in front of her as she remains seated. His sudden movement almost embarrasses him but the thought of Lisbon thinking herself selfish made him need to be doing something. He moves to lean down on the floor in front of where she sits, her hands clasped between both of his.
"Be selfish Teresa, I want you to be selfish. Leave here. Run. Get away from here and go and live. Be selfish Teresa."
There are tears on his cheek, apparently the emotion behind his words needing some sort of physical release.
"I'm not leaving you, Jane."
"You should, Lisbon. You should be selfish, and you should leave."
She stares at him with eyes filled with utter frustration and wonder. She doesn't think she will ever be able to understand this complicated and mercurial man. Doesn't mean she can't want, and right now in the aloneness and the darkness of the early hours she is having such trouble fighting that.
She leans forward to rest her head against his chest and his right hand instantly reaches to curl around the back of her neck. He absently rubs at the soft skin there, breathing easier with every single moment of connection they allow themselves.
"I don't want to leave, how could I leave? I want to be selfish and stay. I'm scared of all that I want."
Her words are so soft, almost silent, but giving voice to them is the bravest she has felt all day.
"Tell me, and I'll help Lisbon. You're never selfish and maybe you need to be. Let me help you for once, let me help you."
He raises their joined hands to his lips and tries to make her understand the truth of his words.
She doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to finally admit these words when they have been the great silence between them for so many years. Instead she simply leans forward and kisses him.
He feels the firm pressure of her warms lips against his own for several moments before he completely registers what is happening. Somewhere in the back of his mind he hears the words Lisbon is kissing me… When he catalogues the euphoria in these imagined words he acknowledges he should do something to. So gradually he kisses her back.
It's clumsy and awkward, and passionate and right. Lisbon's full lips are perfect against his, and he wraps his arms around her to pull her warmth closer to him. She has her hands on his vest, pulling at buttons and trying to free him from his clothes as she feels the first touch of his tongue against her own. They kiss like this for long moments, then Lisbon pulls away to place affectionate kisses against his jaw. They are breathless and scared and happy all at once.
She rises and takes Jane's hand and leads him from her living room to the privacy of her bedroom.
She helps him out of his jacket, out of his vest and then his shirt. She runs her thumb across the precious skin of his bare chest as she tries to keep this part of him to herself. She knows this will probably be her only chance to be with him like this, while they are both too desperate and afraid to think of the wrongness of what they are doing. She is afraid that if she speaks then what she wants most in the world will be taken away from her, so she decides that her lips will only be used to wordlessly communicate her devotion.
She steps away from Jane and pulls her sweatshirt over her head, exposing her pale skin as she tosses her shirt to the floor. He is frozen in awe at how lovely she is as she stands before him like this. He watches entranced as she removes her sweatpants and then stands naked in front of him with her hand against heart.
"Please be selfish with me, Jane. Please?"
He knows they should talk, that he should tell her words of devotion aloud before he touches her. But she is here, and beautiful and so clearly his that he can't resist becoming lost in the seduction of her touch.
He pulls her into his arms and they both gasp helplessly at the astonishing pleasure of the first touch of their heated skin against skin. They stumble onto her bed and forget for a while that anything exists outside of the private world they can create together.
Lisbon lays awake in her bed as Jane sleeps almost soundly beside her. His arm is around her, holding her close to his chest and she allows herself the unfamiliar pleasure of contentment for a few minutes. She accepts she will need to be the smart one and be out of bed before he awakens and they have to endure the awkwardness of the aftermath of their impulsiveness. She briefly rests her hand against Jane's before she attempts to leave her bed.
Jane is awake enough to realise the warm body lying alongside his is trying to remove itself from their cocoon of satisfaction.
"Lisbon. Lisbon."
His words are overly loud in her bedroom.
"Hush Jane, go back to sleep. I'm just going to shower."
He is motivated by her words into movement. He catches her body back against his just as she is about to leave the bed. He is sitting up on the bed with Lisbon pulled back flush against him, his arms around her, his hands resting affectionately on her bare stomach.
"Jane I need to go clean up."
"You can't leave here. Stay."
"No, I need to go clean up – we weren't exactly careful Jane and I need to get Red John off me too…"
He silences her words with the touch of his tongue to the back of her neck. He kisses his way along her shoulder too, telling her with his lips how utterly she is adored. He strokes her belly and smiles into her skin as she relaxes back against him.
"You're not leaving this bed without me, Teresa."
He moves his lips lower, kissing along the length of her spine to reinforce the message of his words.
"I want to shower, Jane."
"Well I am not willing to let you go long enough for you to leave here."
He can feel that she is ready to bolt from the bed, and he wants to kick himself for his impulsiveness earlier. He should have spoken to her before going to bed with her, or spoken to her months ago, or years ago actually.
He can give her the words now though.
Jane keeps her body close to his own as he rests his forehead against Lisbon's back. She feels so slight and yet wonderfully strong when she is in his arms like this.
"You're not leaving this bed without me, Teresa."
He repeats his words to convince her of their truth.
"Please Jane you're only going to make this harder."
"Good, I don't want you to leave."
"I know that now, but when the sun rises in a few hours and this is over then it'll be more difficult to leave then. Let me do this now, and we can be ready for work in the morning."
He loosens his hold on her so that he can move them around on the bed so that they sit facing each other, uncomfortably resting against the tangled sheets. He takes her face between both of his hands and traces her skin with the pads of his fingers.
"This isn't something that is ever going to be over Teresa, we both know that. This wasn't goodbye darling, this was for me exactly what it was for you. You should know and accept that."
She is blinking rapidly, trying desperately to hold back tears. She is feeling more exposed and vulnerable than she ever has before, but she can't escape this confrontation as she is so completely surrounded by Jane's embrace.
Jane trails gentle kisses across Lisbon's face, trying to erase by touch and tenderness the indelible marks made earlier by Red John.
"You make me feel safer and happier just being in the same room as you Lisbon. You're goodness has been my saviour for so many years. I'm sorrier than I can say that he tried to take that away from you, that he tried to taint you with his poisonous touch today. But you're here, and you lived and that's joyous. I can't believe how ridiculous it is that I've been able to feel joy today. I've imagined us together like this for so long, and I don't care how we've ended up here, just that we have. Tell me you don't want this and I'll let you go. And remember Teresa, we both know you're incapable of lying."
Lisbon presses her cheek further against Jane's hand, needing the contact and to believe that this is real. Jane closes the distance between them and kisses her eyelids, her cheeks, and her chin and then brushes the softest of kisses against her lips. His heart swells at the unbidden smile he manages to bring to her lips.
"You're a miracle Teresa; you almost make me want to acknowledge the existence of the divine."
Jane holds her cross between his fingers as he admits this to her, then he practically glows with pleasure as he watches the trembles his words causes.
"That you are still here Teresa; that you've always stayed, that you care, that you're you… If I were a better man I would have stayed away from you but instead I can't let you go. I want more; I'm always going to want more of you. Please, please tell me you understand he has not marked you – you're not his. You don't need to clean Red John from you because he's not there."
He leans his lips on her shoulder, sucking on the sensitive skin there; his left hand is on her back again, trailing the tips of his fingers across her skin.
"Tell me you know darling, tell me that today has made you as unwilling as I am to deny life anymore. When it's just the two of us alone – while it has to be just us that knows we're together, tell me you know. For all the horror we've endured, for all the pain I've brought you – you have made me stay alive for something other than revenge and misery. I know how much Red John hurt you by putting his hands on you and taunting you – but he'll never get to do it again."
This time he can't help himself, he takes her lovely face between his hands again and he presses his lips against Lisbon's. He breathes her breath for long moments, convincing himself of her life.
"You're all the love that's left in my life Teresa and that will be true until I die, and he simply doesn't get to have you."
"He doesn't have me Jane. You know you do, you know that. But even if that's true it doesn't mean we should do this right now. Maybe we should put this to one side until Red John is…"
He stops her words with his kisses, this time the gentleness has gone and he is insistent and passionate in his attention. Part of her wants to keep her eyes closed to better savour this beautiful dream state she seems to be in. Part of her wants to never close her eyes again so she can catalogue every detail of every moment she is sharing with Jane.
"You're my partner Teresa, and I don't want to be without you anymore. If he hurts you I won't live without you – but right now I mean I don't want to be without you anymore. I learned that today. Do you understand?"
She wants to yell her agreement but instead she kisses the skin over his heart, overwhelmed with tenderness and love.
"I understand, Jane. But I'm scared."
"Me too darling, I'm terrified. But you're more important than my fear. We can be scared together. Well you can be gorgeous and scared, and I'll just be scared."
"Jane, I'm serious."
"Of course you are, I am too. You are more important than anything, Teresa – we're both just going to have to get used to that."
And that's the last words uttered between the two of them for the next few hours. Jane pulls Lisbon back under the covers and curls his body around hers' in the position he hopes he will get to lie with her for the rest of his life. Lisbon savours the feel of his solid warmth wrapped around her, and hopes so very much that they will be able to survive long enough to love each into the future.
