Hal's Holiday


Author's note: I'm so very, very sorry for the delay in continuing both "Distracting Ranger" and "Taking the Reins". I am working on both, but real life has intervened, and my muse decided Hal would be more fun to play with. This story is complete already, I just need to work on editing and transitions and get it posed. So no fears that I won't finish this one in a timely manner!


"Ranger, can I talk to you?" I asked in quiet desperation.

"Sure, Babe. Go ahead."

"In private."

"No. If you need to talk to me about anything business related, you can say it in front of the whole core team," the rat bastard replied calmly.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Fine. You have to relax the sugar rules a little or you're going to get sued," I stated bluntly.

There was a moment of silence while Ranger's blank face slammed down after a quick flash of surprise. "What?" Tank finally asked. "You're going to sue us for restricting your diet?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not going to sue you. But one of Merry Men will sue you for sexual harassment."

There was another moment of silence where I could Ranger trying not to smile and Tank, Bobby and Lester all looked completely baffled. "You have to explain that one, Beautiful," Lester finally said.

"I'm being a good sport about this. I'm running, working out. I'm shooting every gun that you sadistic sons of bitches stick in my hands. I'm doing all of Tank's paperwork, even when he sticks it in my stack of shit and tries to claim it's my work," I started. Tank got a guilty look on his face.

"I'm not complaining about any of it, or at least, not much. But I need a little sugar in my diet or the hormones are going to kill me and I'm going to take some of you out with me."

"What the hell?" Les asked.

"You see, when I go off sugar, my hormones go off the charts. And since you guys have me locked up like I'm in freaking Alcatraz, I have no outlet for my hormones. So either you let me out for the weekend, give me some sugar, or be prepared to be sued when I tackle one of the guys in the gym one morning and have my wicked way with him. Personally, I think a donut a day would be much cheaper than a lawsuit," I concluded.

There was a moment of stunned silence.

My attention was caught when Les raised his hand. "You have a question?" I asked him.

"No, ma'am," he told me with a wicked grin.

"Then what are you doing?" I asked in exasperation.

"Volunteering."

I blushed and Les started laughing. Oh hell no. I'd spent the last eight weeks getting physically and mentally stronger, and no way in hell was Lester Santos going to get me flustered this easily.

I looked him up and down and licked my lips like it was time for dessert. Then I stalked over to him and put my hands on my hips as I got in his face. "Thanks for volunteering. Be assured that IF I decide you have anything that I want, I'll take it."

I enjoyed the shocked look on his face for a second before pushing on his shoulders until his legs hit the back of the chair and he sat down with a loud thud. "Until then, sit down and shut up. I'll tell you what to do if and when I want you to do it. Understood?" Then I leaned over and licked the shell of his ear, laughing huskily as he gave a whole body shiver.

I looked over to see Bobby laughing silently, his shoulders shaking like he was having a seizure. "And you should stop laughing, Brown. The last time I was off sugar, I put the Italian Stallion into a sex coma. He locked himself in the spare bedroom and told me to wear a low cut shirt that let my boobs hang out to see if one of you guys could help pick up the slack. So just because Santos has volunteered to take one for the team doesn't mean your ass is out of the line of fire. Might take more than one Merry Man until I get some sugar in my diet."

That shut him up quick, and the look on his face, a combination of fear and arousal, was priceless.

"I want a donut on my desk by noon or I might start practicing takedown techniques that aren't in the bounty hunter's handbook," I promised as I put extra sway in my hips as I walked out of conference room, leaving stunned silence in my wake.

I was shaking with silent laughter as Les finally found his voice as I closed the door behind me. "Ranger, if you give her sugar, I will kill you with my bare hands."

Two hours later, I was contemplating weird and deviant ways to kill Rodriguez when Ranger stopped by my cubicle. "Babe, a word."

"Chocolate," I replied without looking up from the computer screen. "What was the word you were thinking of?"

"Babe."

"Ranger."

He sighed softly. "Come into my office, please."

"Since you said please," I said as I stood and stretched. I noticed that his eyes were drawn to the swath of skin exposed when I raised my arms over my head. It's his own fault, he's the one who told Ella to get me the short belly shirts. She told me so.

"Ranger?" I prodded.

He shook his head slightly and strode towards his office. I smirked and followed in his wake.

He sat down behind his desk and I flopped down on his leather couch. "What's up, boss?" I asked in a Bugs Bunny voice. As many freaking carrots as these guys had me eating, I could definitely commiserate with the Bugs.

"Babe, you have two of my best guys walking around with perpetual hard ons today," he said in an amused tone.

"Good, I'm not the only one with issues then," I replied. "But they can go out and hook up tonight. Or have a beer or two to loosen up. Or go out for a dozen donuts. You've got me locked down like I'm a damn criminal here and I have to tell you, Ranger, this was not in the deal when I agreed to work here."

Ranger looked at me for a minute. "You feel like we're treating you like a criminal?"

"Hell yes!" I all but shouted.

"Babe."

"Ranger, do all new guys have someone with them from the time they wake up until they fall asleep? Do they never get a minute alone? Because I haven't had any free time other than when I'm asleep or in the damn shower since I started working here full time eight weeks ago."

Ranger leaned back in his chair and looked at me. "Has it really been that bad?"

I nodded emphatically.

"Take me through your day."

"Someone bangs on my door at five-fucking-thirty in the morning. Then they drag me down to the gym and I go through two hours of working out. Then I have thirty minutes to shower, eat and get dressed before work starts at eight. Then I'm on the floor doing whatever until eleven, when I have to work at the range. Then lunch in the breakroom with whoever is around. Then more work on the floor. Then dinner in the breakroom. Then hand to hand combat practice with one of the guys from six to eight. Then various special skills practice from eight to nine or ten. Then I'm dumped back in my apartment and I'm too fucking tired to do anything more than shower and go to bed. I haven't even watched TV in God knows how long 'cause I'm too damn tired to pick up the damn remote! That's it. That's been my day for the last eight weeks."

His eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Weekends?"

"Someone's always around. I have absolutely no privacy. If I don't open my door within two minutes, they'll just break in. I swear to God, I'm shooting the next jerk who charges into my apartment without waiting for me to invite them in. Sometimes they'll bring over a movie or something, but I'm usually dragged down to the gym or range for lessons on something. I know they're just eager to help, but someone's going to be hurt, and it might not be me this time."

"Damn, Babe! Why didn't you tell me?" Ranger asked.

"Because I hoped it would slow down once the novelty wore off. But it hasn't. And if I have to be around hot guys all the time, I need sugar. So give me a donut for God's sake!"

He smirked at me. "Babe."

I smiled at him, a feral smile that would have made Joe Morelli cross his legs and guard his crown jewels. "I'm not kidding, Batman. The first few weeks weren't so bad because I was so damn tired that I didn't have the energy to worry about hormones. But I'm starting to get enough energy now. So you've got a conundrum here, Ranger. Either you give me a little sugar, or I traumatize one of your guys."

He barked out a laugh. "Babe."

"Fine, but I warned you."

He was starting to look a little worried. Good. Be afraid, be very afraid.

"We done?" I asked with a sigh as I glanced at my watch. "Someone's going to be dragging me off to range practice now."

Ranger's left eyebrow rose and he nodded.

"Bombshell! You can run, but you can't hide!" someone yelled.

I stuck my head out the door. "I wasn't hiding, Ranger needed to talk with me about something. You want to come in here and yell at him about it? No? Then shut the hell up! I'll be there in a minute!"

I turned back to Ranger. "Donuts, Ranger. Get me donuts."

I sighed again and stomped out the door. "I swear to God, Manny, I'm going to use you for target practice!"

"Aww, wifey, you don't mean that!" Manny replied.

"Try me!" I growled in response.

Manny escorted me down to the range where Hal was waiting for me. Rather than shoving a gun in my hand immediately, as was the typical practice for the Merry Men, Hal took a long look at me and paused with this hand on a Sig Sauer handgun.

"Steph, what's going on?" he asked as he pulled me into a hug. He'd finally gotten over me stunning him with his own stun gun and we'd settled into being friends. He was one of the few guys who I felt would really, truly listen to me, so I considered him a good friend.

And if he didn't want to listen, I could just stun him again.

Yeah, like I'd ever get away with that a second time.

I sucked in a deep breath and felt my hormones leap to life as the scent of gun powder mixed with what I could have sworn was Clinique Happy for Men.

I sniffed his neck. "Is that Happy?"

I looked up to see him grin slightly. "Yeah. My mom sent it to me last Christmas and I kind of like it."

"It smells good on you. Works well with the gun powder," I told him.

He grinned wider at me. "Thanks. Now tell me what's wrong."

I sighed and slumped in his arms. "I think I'm just running out of happy, and I don't mean the cologne. You guys have pushed me hard and I think I'm just about out of juice. I need the freaking weekend off or someone will pay dearly."

"What can I do?"

"Buy me a freaking donut!" I retorted.

Hal laughed. "I heard about your problem."

I moaned and buried my head in his chest. "Which one do I have to kill?" I asked.

Hal laughed harder. "Santos."

"I'm only shooting crotches today," I told him.

He chuckled again and squeezed me tightly. "I'll make a deal with you. You can shoot the crotches out of paper men if you agree to go to the beach with me this weekend."

I lifted my head to stare at him in shock. "Beach?"

He nodded. "I need to get away, and I've already reserved a beach house for the weekend. So you're coming with me. We'll leave soon as we get off work tomorrow night and have a couple of days to relax. There're a spare bedroom and I'll even let you have a couple of desserts while we're gone."

I looked at him with stars in my eyes. "Hal, I think I love you."

"Yeah, yeah, sweetheart. Now shoot the imaginary crotches on the targets," he told me as he pointed me towards the lane.

"Sir, yes sir!"

I picked up the gun I was using most frequently and went through the pre-fire ritual that the guys had drilled into me. After almost an hour of steadily blowing the hell out of the crotches of the targets, Hal approached when I'd put the gun down to clean and re-load it.

"Alright, Annie Oakley, you're good for today," he told me. "And remind me to never piss you off!"

Hal went with me back up to five, and went in to have a word with Ranger. I cornered Les in the break room and he looked like he was torn between being scared and excited.

"Santos, I thought I told you to shut up?" I told him. His eyebrows flew up in shock.

"Beautiful?"

"Apparently you've been spreading stories, which means that you're on my shit list now. So anything that I might have considered doing to you is now off the table. Which is too bad, since some of the things I could do to you on a table would probably blow what's left of your mind. But you had to go and run your damn mouth," I told him as I started nibbling on his neck, drawing a moan from him.

"Oh well, plenty more Merry Men for me to play with. Guess you're on your own now," I said with a purr as I stepped back.

He grabbed for me, but I managed to slip out of his arms with a laugh. "No, no. You should have kept your mouth shut."

"Babe, stop playing with my men," Ranger said as he walked into the room.

"Okay, I was done anyways," I told him as I walked out.

"Oh my God!" Les exclaimed.

I stopped at the door to smile at Les. "I prefer to be called Steph, but God will do, I guess. Goddess is more gender-appropriate, though."

Ranger was smirking at me.

"Ooo oooh, gotta get me some, gotta get me some, gotta get some, Merry Men," I sang as I walked away.

"Shit," Ranger muttered from behind me.

"What the fuck is going on with you two?" Les demanded. I paused out of sight. I wanted to hear his answer to this one too.

"It's complicated," Ranger said in his 'don't fuck with me' voice.

"Do you know how fucking sexy she is?" Les demanded again. "If she was mine, no fucking way I'd let her run around with a hormone problem. And if she's really not yours, then move aside, cuz, and let the more charming member of the family at her."

There was the sound of a fist hitting flesh, and an instant later, the sound was returned. "Fuck off, Ranger. No need to get so testy. And if you're going to throw a punch, don't throw it like a girl."

Then Les ran out of the room so fast that he didn't even see me. So I hightailed it away too.

I went through the rest of the day without incident. Les kept hovering nearby, probably hoping I would attack him again, but Ranger was nowhere to be seen.

Hal stopped by with sandwiches and told me that he'd cleared it with Ranger for us to head to Point Pleasant for the weekend. I was beyond excited to have a weekend away from the rampaging hordes of Merry Men and to be at the beach.

I got packed up that night after Cal finished throwing me around for two hours. He calls it self-defense practice. I call it fling Stephanie around like a freaking rag doll time.

I was getting better at self-defense, but it's hard to defend myself against someone twice my size with fifteen years more training. Especially since they'd all started wearing cups after a memorable first week when half the Merry Men had been walking around hunched over from my lethal knee. Guys have qualms about kicking another man in the 'nads. I have no such compunctions. In fact, it's usually my opening gambit.

I survived Friday with a modicum of good humor since I had the beach to look forward to. I did have a bit of fun at the Friday morning staff meeting.

"Any thing else?" Ranger asked at the end, as he always did.

"Yes," I said. "Gentlemen, I'd like to inform you that I have a new special friend," I started.

"Damn, Beautiful," Les drawled, "I thought we were keeping it on the down-low!"

I flipped him the bird. "In your perverted dreams!" There were chuckles around the table.

"No, my new buddy's name is Sig. And he'll be sleeping with me from now on. And if any of you break into my apartment, you will be meeting Sig up close and personal when I shoot you in the balls. We clear?" I announced.

There was a moment of silence before Hal started sniggering. "So that's why you were shooting the crotches on the targets yesterday?"

"Yep. Practice makes perfect. And I will have perfect aim the next time one of you jokers comes into my apartment without an invitation."

There were looks of horror around the table and a few guys' hands had dropped from view, presumable to guard their boys.

"You knock, I'll answer if I'm inclined to have company. But if I don't answer, you don't get to just barge in unless you want Uniball or Stumpy as your new nickname."

"Babe."

"Ranger. Forewarned is forearmed, right? Just putting everyone on notice that I expect the same courtesy as everyone else. And since I don't see you guys breaking in to each other's apartments all the time, please stop doing that to me. Or you won't like the consequences. That is all."

Lester, Bobby and Hal were practically rolling on the floor laughing at this point and even the normally stoic Tank was grinning widely. The other guys were either smiling or grimacing.

"Duly noted," Tank intoned. "Gentlemen, unless you wish to test her sharpshooting abilities, may I suggest you wait for her to answer your knock from now on? Dismissed."

I got a lot of smiles and smirks as the room emptied after the meeting. I was following the flock of hotties in black when Ranger snagged me by the back of my shirt.

"Ulk!" I stuck a finger under my collar and sucked in a breath. "Yeesh, Ranger! You could have just asked me to stick around for a minute!"

"Where's the fun in that?"

I let a smile curl my lips. "Oh, I'm planning to have lots of fun this weekend," I replied.

His eyes darkened. "Babe," he said in a warning voice.

"Ranger," I replied angelically. "I'm off the clock this weekend. So what I do doesn't concern you."

"I didn't realize things had been so bad. I'm sorry," he replied.

I staggered back in only semi-mock shock. "Did you just apologize?"

"Babe."

"Seriously. I think that's one of the signs of the impending apocalypse. I should call Bobby to check you out or something," I retorted.

"What have I told you about being a smart ass?"

"You guys love my ass," I told him.

His eyes darkened and his hands slid towards my hips. "I can help with your problem," he murmured.

"No way, man. You had your chance, you had years of chances. You keep your hands to yourself, that was part of the deal," I reminded him. "So unless you have cake hidden somewhere, back off."

Then I turned on my heel and sauntered away even though it nearly killed me. When Ranger had come to me and asked me to work for him full time, I'd initially been suspicious that it was a pity gig since things weren't going so well at the moment at Vinnie's. Not many skips were skipping. And the whole lot of bullshit with Joe.

"No, Babe, I need your help. We've lost several potential clients recently and I think it's mostly because the primary account holders were women and we scared the shit out of them," he'd replied.

"I'm guessing they weren't young women then," I'd replied wryly. Even most middle-aged women would probably have thrown themselves at any of the Merry Men who'd shown up for the sales meeting. Heck, my grandma would have gladly thrown herself and her panties at any of the Merry Men.

"Mostly middle aged and older," he confirmed with a slight smile. "We're the best but they all three chose to go with less reputable companies. I can't afford to keep losing accounts because my men and I terrify the customers. I need you, Babe."

Wow, way to melt a girl, Batman.

I leaned back against my ratty couch. I'd broken up with Joe for good when he'd gotten drunk and smacked me when I'd refused to listen to his bullshit about getting married. We weren't even dating at the time! And I dealt with enough shit in my line of work to not need to worry about getting smacked around at home too.

It was time to put on the big girl panties and put it all out on the table, so to speak. "And what about us?" I asked.

"We stay just as we are now, good friends. That won't change," Ranger replied.

"Ranger, I have a number of good friends, but I don't spend a lot of time making out with them in alleys," I'd replied. "That's more than mere friendship."

"That's all it can be, Babe. I told you, my life doesn't lend itself to relationships," he'd said in an implacable voice.

"Funny thing, though, Ranger. Friendship is a form of a relationship. Did you know that?"

"Babe, don't. I can't be more than a friend."

I'd stared at him for a long time. "Okay, Ranger. You win. But the kissing, touching, all that shit stops now. I'm tired of being jerked around by you. You say one thing and do another. It was bad enough with Joe and I'll be damned if I let you get away with it anymore either. So I'll come work for RangeMan, but you will keep your hands to yourself. Deal?"

"Babe, I've never jerked you around!"

I had laughed bitterly. "Bullshit, Ranger, and you know it! If any guy had ever treated Julie even a little bit the way you've treated me, you'd have shot him by now! You pull me close just to push me away. So if you say you can't do relationships, fine. But I refuse to do fuck buddies. It's all or nothing, no more fucked up in the middle bullshit."

He'd been beyond pissed with me, though only someone who knew him well would have noticed the minute changes in facial expressions, so I'd left him on the couch while I fed Rex and got a Coke. He'd calmed down after a few minutes.

"Babe, I always told you that I couldn't do relationships."

"Mismatch between words and actions, Ranger. But we'll be clear here. We'll be purely platonic friends. No touching, nothing at all sexual. Because I deserve someone who can do both the words and the actions. So do we have a deal?"

He'd left at that point without answering me, but he was back the next day. He agreed to my terms and conditions if I agreed to his, which mostly meant the standard employment contract of exercise (aka, medieval torture) and a diet of twigs and bark.

I'd agreed and so far, I'd stuck to my end of the bargain. This weekend, I was eating sugar and Ranger could go jump off a cliff if he thought otherwise.