Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, but I do own a rather amazing Criminal Minds hoodie, which rules...

~ Chapter One ~

"Death takes the good, too good to stay. Death leaves the bad, too bad to take away."

Spencer Reid looked down at the phone he held in his shaking hands, the words replaying in his head over and over again. He shook his head in an attempt to make it stop, she couldn't be gone, she couldn't have left him. He denied it to himself, it hurt too much to think about the truth, she wouldn't leave him like this. She was too strong, she had been fine the last time he spoke to her, she had been okay. He knew denial probably hurt more than the truth, but maybe if he told himself that she wasn't dead enough then maybe it wouldn't be true, maybe he would wake up from this horrible nightmare. Maybe.

He blamed himself, more than anything, he blamed himself for letting her stay there, he blamed himself for not being there, he blamed himself for going on that stupid case even though he knew she was ill. He blamed himself for her death.

He was angry at himself as well, for letting his job take over his whole life. His job seemed to come first, even over his own mother. His job was more important to him than life or death, and even though he loved every moment of it, he knew it was wrong. He knew he should want a life outside the BAU but he thought he had everything he needed there – he didn't stop to think for a moment about the one person he had left in the outside world.

He felt the guilt rush over him, he could have been there if he had bothered, he could have been there with her, holding her hand and letting her know that everything was okay. He could have been sitting next to her as she closed her eyes for that one final time, reading some of her favourite passages to her just like she would have wanted. He found himself wondering who had been there to do it instead of her own son, they didn't have anyone else. She was all alone.

He shuddered at the thought of her being all alone, she probably held strong until the very end. He hoped that it had been quick and painless, he could only hope she hadn't been hurting. He could only hope she hadn't asked where her son was, why he wasn't there with her. He could only hope because hope was one of the only things he had left.

He finally let the tears fall down his face, falling onto his lap as he bent his head down into his hands, trying to control the sobs that were starting to take over his body. He sat all alone in his darkened house, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball and die right there and then. He couldn't cope with her death, he couldn't live with the fact that she had been all alone when she had died. When had he put his own career over the woman who made it possible for him to have it in the first place?

His body shook as more tears fell from his eyes, slowing down as he stood up, he knew what he was going to do. He had been clean for little over a year now and he couldn't handle this without the drugs that had helped him through the dark times last time. He couldn't handle the guilt without them, he couldn't do this on his own. He couldn't

live with himself knowing he had left his mother to rot in there. He was the one who was to blame for all of this, and if there had been one thing that Spencer Reid couldn't live with, it was pain. The pain of knowing he could have been there if he tried. The pain of handling all the guilt he knew he would be bearing with him for as long as he lived. And there was only one way he could make it go away.

A/N: Please let me know what you think by dropping me a review! I will update tomorrow probably, depending on your views of it :)