Author's Note: As you might have guessed, this is a parody fic that pokes some harmless fun at some of the over-used fanfic ideas in Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction. I didn't write this to make fun of anyone in particular, only to provide some amusement for myself and others.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or basic plot of the anime, Fullmetal Alchemist. I do, however, claim ownership of the fictional character Kesiah, who is extremely loosely based on myself. Camudekyu owns the character of the same name and it was with her help that this whole thing started. There, you know who to blame now.

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Chapter One

"I can't believe that jerk has the nerve to call us in when we're so close to finding more information on the Philosopher's Stone! Doesn't he know how long it took for us to find that little hint that lead us there in the first place? We can't waste time running stupid missions for him now!" Edward Elric ranted, gesticulating wildly as he stomped towards Central Headquarters.

"Well he does have the right, Brother! He's your superior after all. Besides, the Colonel makes sure that we have plenty of time to ourselves otherwise, so I don't think one mission every now and then is too bad a price." Alphonse Elric paused and looked around. "Though, I do wonder why he called us to Central. Isn't he supposed to be in East City?" The lack of reply made Alphonse look around to see his brother some distance ahead, still caught up in his own ranting. "Ahh! Brother! Wait for me!" he cried, running to catch up with his sibling.

- - - - -

Edward kept up his ranting the entire way to Colonel Mustang's office, despite numerous stares from other military personnel. This perhaps should have been the first sign that something was amiss – well, that and the fact that Colonel Mustang should have been in East HQ – but Edward didn't notice. Possibly because he was too busy ranting.

"What does he want now? Jackass Colonel, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind when I get in there!" And with that, Edward flung open the office door, but stopped as he noticed that Mustang wasn't alone. There was a young girl there as well, a very attractive young girl. So attractive, in fact, that Edward felt that he needed to take the time to notice every little detail about her and describe it at length.

The girl looked around his age, with dark, chocolate-brown eyes that drew him towards them and were filled with hidden mysteries and a strange sadness. Her oval face was framed by her long, dark hair that fell to her slim waist. Small pieces of her hair curled against the pale skin of her neck and Edward longed to reach over and brush them away, just so that he could allow his fingers to glide over her porcelin flesh. Her petite form was clad in a flowing white dress that managed to fit perfectly to her modest curves. Edward blushed as he found his eyes drawn to the thigh-high slit in the side of her skirt, a detail Mustang seemed interested in as well. Around her neck hung a simple silver pendant, a Japanese symbol that meant 'angel', though Edward then wondered how he knew this, as there was certainly no such place as 'Japan' in his world.

A soft chime brought his attention back to the girl before him, and he noticed that she wore tiny bells on her earrings and on an anklet around her left foot. Elegant, white gloves hid her hands from view, though Edward could still see how long and delicate they were, a fact emphasised by the bracelets she wore on her right forearm, three jade and two silver in an alternating pattern. The bracelets also matched the silver and jade belt that clinched around her tiny waist.

But the thing that surprised Edward about her the most – aside from the fact that he was having to spend so much time describing her – was her height, for she was a couple of inches shorter than he was.

"Ahh, here he is now," Colonel Mustang said, noticing that Ed was finished with his lengthy description. "Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

The girl's dark eyes widened at that and her pretty mouth curved into a smile. "You're the Fullmetal Alchemist?" she asked. "I've heard so much about you!"

"Edward, this is Kesiah Seraphina Amaya, the Kashou Tenshi Alchemist." Mustang continued, though he has a little difficulty with the foreign words.

This snapped Edward out of his daze. "The what Alchemist?" he asked, wrenching his eyes away from Kesiah with an almost audible pop.

"The Kashou Tenshi Alchemist," Kesiah said happily, apparently deciding to ignore the fact that Japanese didn't exist here. "It means 'Singing Angel'. It's because I have a special alchemic power in my voice!"

Edward and Mustang stared at her for a bit.

"Moving right along," Mustang finally murmured before clearing his throat and continuing. "Kesiah is going to be your new partner, Edward."

"What? But why? I don't need a partner," Edward protested. "Al and I are going just fine in our research! Besides, what makes you think she would be any help?"

Kesiah gasped at this and tears welled up in her chocolate tinted orbs – the word 'eyes' was much too plain for her unique appearance – and she stared at Edward accusingly, despite the fact that he had a rather good reason for questioning Mustang's decision.

"Despite her age, Kesiah is one of the most skilled alchemists I've ever met," Mustang said, wondering why it seemed like every teenaged girl they came across had better alchemy than adults who had been perfecting their skills for years. "Not to mention she's been researching the Philosopher's Stone herself. You might do well to combine your knowledge and work together."

"She's researching the Philosopher's Stone?" Edward asked incredulously. "So, let me get this straight." He took a deep breath before continuing. "A female alchemist that you claim is one of the best alchemists you've ever seen, yet neither of us has ever heard of before, turns up of her own accord for no known reason and claims to know at least as much about the Philosopher's Stone as Al and I do, and you don't find this supicious at all?"

"No," Colonel Mustang said calmly, sorting through the papers on his desk. "It's been happening all the time lately."

Edward felt his annoyance subside. "Well, you've got that right."

Kesiah, obviously feeling that the attention had been away from her for too long, emitted a choked sob and cried, "I-if you didn't want me to work with you could have just said so!" and fled the room, leaving behind some highly sparkly shoujo teardrops.

"What just happened?" Edward asked, looking confused. "Didn't I pretty much agree to let her join Al and I?"

Mustang glared at him and half rose from his chair. "I'm surprised at you, Ed! You have no understanding of women!" he said, apparently having experienced a complete personality change in the space of a few moments. "Kesiah is a kind and gentle person and you have no right to take your own cynical views out on her! You even made her cry!" He raised one hand in a familiar threatening gesture. "Well, I have news for you, Fullmetal. Kesiah is going to work with you, regardless of what you think. And if anything should happen to her..." he trailed off meaningfully.

"Alright! I get it!" Edward snapped. "I'll go apologise."

"See to it you do."

- - - - -

Tears streamed down Kesiah's porcelin cheeks as she fled Central Headquarters and rushed out onto the streets, narrowly avoiding being run over by two cars.

"How could Edward be so mean to me?" she sobbed aloud, as she was prone to saying everything as it passed through her pretty – yet empty – head. "All I want to do is find the Philosopher's Stone like he does, what's so wrong about that? Does he hate me? Am I not pretty enough?" she continued, so distraught over the matter that she didn't even notice anything was unusual until she almost tripped over a prone figure on the road leading away from Central. Of course, this raises the matter of how in the world Kesiah managed to run all the way through Central in the space of a few moments, but we can't let details like that worry us now, as we have some very important description to get through.

The figure on the road was obviously female, with long honey brown hair and auburn highlights which seemed to be like spun gold where the sun hit them, all pulled back into a high ponytail. Her skin was the type of dark tan that suggested a healthy outdoor life, and her lean, muscular body gave further testimony to that observation. A tiny, black micro mini-skirt just barely covered her curvy hips and showed off her long, slender legs, clad in black fishnet panty-hose and knee-high, black, lace-up boots. A black corset top with gold ribbon lacing hugged her flat, toned stomach and cradled her ample cleavage. To Kesiah's surprise, she noticed that the girl had cute, little, black cat ears poking through her hair. They were bedecked with tiny gold earrings which matched the golden bands that covered her arms from elbow to wrist, and Kesiah then noticed that she also had a long black tail, also decorated with golden bands. A long golden ribbon completed the outfit, tied in a cute bow around the girl's neck.

"Your description is almost as long as mine!" Kesiah gushed happily. "You must be someone important!"

At this, the girl raised her head from where it had been buried in the dirt road and revealed a stunningly beautiful face with eyes of soulful brown instead of the normal, slightly dirty face other people would have had.

"My name is Jennifer Camudekyu," she said with a great sadness in her voice. "Please help me to get away from here." A single, silent tear escaped the corner of her right eye and slid gracefully down the soft skin of her cheek.

"Oh no! You're bleeding!" Kesiah exclaimed, for she had suddenly noticed a pool of blood underneath the girl, something that she had somehow overlooked when she first met her.

"What's going on?" Edward asked, having also managed to travel through the entire city in a few moments, in order to arrive at the right dramatic moment.

"Brother! This girl's hurt!" Alphonse said, stating the obvious.

"You're right, Al!" Edward said, finally noticing the spreading pool of blood. He wondered why the girl hadn't actually bleed to death, what with no one actually trying to stop the bleeding, but decided he didn't want to know. "We'd better get her to hospital."

Alphonse nodded and knelt to scoop up the suddenly unconcious catgirl. Once he had her settled in his arms, still bleeding all over his armor, the group set off for the hospital.

- - - - -

"She's a very lucky girl, Mr. Elric," the doctor stated. "Normally if someone were to bring an injured chimera into us for treatment, we'd contact the Military, and they'd send over someone to either capture or kill it. But we didn't feel like doing that today, so we fixed your friend up instead."

For some reason, that made perfect sense to Edward. "Thanks guys," he said. "Is it alright if we go and see her?"

"Can't see why not." The doctor shrugged. "After all, she was only bleeding everywhere for no known reason, so it should be fine for you to visit her."

The stark white hospital room seemed cold and unfeeling, and the lean form of Jennifer Camudekyu appeared small against the crisp bedsheets.

"Hi everyone," she said as the trio filed in.

"I'm glad you're okay," Kesiah said happily. "Do you want to tell us what happened to you? The doctor said you were a chimera!"

"She's a chimera!" Edward gasped, apparently having forgotten that part of the conversation.

"Yes," Camudekyu said with great sadness, as crystaline tears began to seep from her eyes. "I was an experiment in the Fifth Laboratory, a part of project Camudimera. I mightn't look it," she continued, flicking an ear and twitching her tail, "but I'm actually part cat."

Alphonse gasped at this and Edward looked surprised. Kesiah, however, smiled and said softly, "I knew it. From the moment I met you, I could sense there was something special about you. But that's not all, is it?"

Camudekyu nodded. "I was also trained to use alchemy, which is why I'm also known as the Flying Alchemist."

"You're a State Alchemist?" Edward asked in surprise.

"No."

"But then, why do you have a State title?"

"So your alchemy power is to fly?" Kesiah asked, ignoring Edward. "Can you show me?"

"Of course," Camudekyu said. She pulled herself out of the hospital bed, and it became aparent that she was not wearing a hospital gown, but her own clothing, miraculously blood-free of course. She clapped her hands together lightly, then placed them on her shoulders. There was a burst of brilliant gold alchemic energy that enveloped her entire body, and Kesiah gasped as she saw Camudekyu's eyes changed to a beautiful glowing amethyst – the colour, not the rock. After all, it would be rather strange if her eyes had changed into stones, Kesiah told herself.

Once the impressive display of overly-described special effects was complete, Kesiah was surprised to see that Camudekyu had lifted off of the ground and was floating above them. A faint, pulsing, golden light could be seen coming from her back, and at the right angle, it almost resembled a pair of wings.

"That's amazing!" Alphonse exclaimed. "You can fly, even though there's absolutly no way that alchemy would allow that!"

"And you can do alchemy without a circle," Edward said. "Why is it that everyone seems to be able to do that now? At this rate I'm going to lose the one thing that-" But he was cut off as Camudekyu suddenly reverted to her normal form and crumpled to the floor, gasping for breath.

"What's wrong! Should I get a doctor?" Kesiah shrieked.

"No, it's alright," Camudekyu said. "You see, I have chronic fatigue sydrome and sometimes I just collapse randomly."

"That's horrible! Is there anything you can do about it?"

"I'm afraid not," the catgirl said sadly, "It affects me whenever I get too stressed, or if it's important to the plot."

"Oh," said Edward, not quite certain what to say to that. "So, uh, how is it that you can do alchemy without a circle?"

Crystaline tears welled up once more in Camudekyu's beautiful, soulful, brown eyes and trickled down her pale cheeks, only to fall and splash to the floor with tiny, mournful plinking noises. "I had a son, you see. A sweet, little, adorable son with dark brown eyes and beautiful blond hair."

"What happened to him?"

"He died shortly after he was born." More soulful, mournful, etc, tears fell to the floor, amid gasps of surprise from the watching State Alchemists.

"And you tried human transmutation to bring him back," Kesiah said in a hushed whisper, unhappy that she had not been given any lines for a while.

Camudekyu nodded sadly. "I was taken to the Gate, and when I woke up afterwards, my son wasn't my son and I was forever scarred by my mistake."

"What did you lose?"

Camudekyu sniffled and said softly, "Ever since that day, earlier this morning, I've had... weak ankles."

- - - - -

The Return of the Author's Note: Well that wraps this chapter up nicely. I did have another scene planned, but I think it'll work better in the next chapter, so you'll have to wait until then. Until then, feel free to let me know what you think of this fic - if you loved it, hated it, whatever – I'd like to know, and I'd like to know why. I love getting nitpicky feedback in particular, so feel free to do so if you like!