DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, except Charlotte and others I may create, they belong to Shonda Rhimes.
A/N: Before we begin, I have a few things to say.
This is the AU of If/Then, but you may have read that in the summary.
I'm not a native English speaker. I´m from Germany, so there may be mistakes, don't kill me for that.
This is also my first published story in English and my first published not-oneshot fanfiction.
You may notice that all the chapters are named after songs that played in Grey's Anatomy at some point.
Okay, let's start!
CHAPTER 1: Into The Fire
(Song by Thirteen Senses)
It was the hardest thing Addison Montgomery Shepherd had ever done in her life. She didn't just had told her husband, that she had cheated on him. She had had to tell him, that it wasn't his baby she carried.
He just had opened towards her, had admitted something was wrong with him, and had said he was happy about the baby, was looking forward to it.
And then she had said it. Quick and painless. She had had an affair with Mark Sloan, a colleague and good friend from New York. At the time the baby had been conceived, Derek had been at a conference in London for two weeks. They barely had sex anyway and then he hadn't been here and she and Mark had had all the time and space…
Now she was 36 weeks pregnant – just another month to due date – and all the time Derek had believed it was his baby. He hadn't been happy. He was turned to himself more than ever, was home less and less, slept in the hospital to work on his clinical trial – she wasn't even sure if this trial existed - or lived in his trailer in the woods. He became a careerist, just as an excuse so he wouldn't have to come home.
Addison had built up the baby furniture alone – heavily pregnant – while he had been in the trailer. He was planning a house. For more than a year now. It wouldn't be built. And even if it would, she would never live in it. Because she had cheated on Derek and carried another man´s child. Addison and Derek was over. And she couldn't have stand it any longer. McDreary was what the residents called him. And it fit perfectly. She couldn't have someone like him on her side any longer.
Mark had offered to take care of the baby a long time ago. The only requirement: She had to finally tell Derek. But she wasn't sure if Mark really meant it. He was a man whore. For him it was just about the sex. Even though he had said it, he probably didn't love her – he just wanted to trump Derek. And she… She didn't know.
How Derek was standing in front of her now. She even felt sorry for him, just a little bit. He looked at her, shocked, sadness in his eyes.
And suddenly his expression changed to anger. He turned around and before either one of them could react, his fist hit Mark's face. Blood ran down from the plastic surgeon's nose and he groaned with pain.
"Derek!" Addison explained and wanted to jump up from the couch, but her swollen belly really was in the way. "Leave him alone! It was my fault."
"But I don't hit women!" he shouted back and she winced. "Because unlike him, I have honor!"
"Mark, could you leave us alone, please?" she asked. "Look for someone to examine your nose. I have to talk to Derek… alone."
Mark nodded and left the room, his hand still on his bleeding nose.
"There's nothing to talk about, Addison", Derek growled when the door had closed.
"Let me explain…" She stood up slowly.
"No! You cheated on me! You lied to me! You told me it was my child!"
"I…"
"I can't look at you. I look at you and I feel nauseous."
"I´m sorry, Derek" Tears were streaming down her face. "But you were…"
"There´s nothing to talk about!"
"Let me finish!" she shouted as loud as loud as she could. And it was effective. He was silent. "You're never home," she said calmer. "You're finding excuses so you don't have to come home. You rather sleep in that pathetic trailer. You don't even love me anymore! And you don't care about me. You're just still with me because I'm pregnant! Otherwise you would have left me a long time ago! What happened to us? We once loved each other. Once we were happy."
"I… I don't know what happened, Addison. But something changed. And you slept with Mark." He said his ex-friend's name with as much disgust as he could. Then he left the room.
Addison was alone. Absent she looked through the window to the corridor. Some nurses and residents, including Percy and Avery, were standing there, had obviously been watching their fight.
She didn't care. In a week, if not less, everybody would know it anyway. That she was an adulterous bitch and had cheated on her husband – the man she loved, who had loved her once.
She closed the blinds and reached for a new tissue. She couldn't undo what she had done. It was too late.
She wanted to sit down on the couch, but suddenly a sharp pain flashed through her abdomen. It wasn't like when the baby kicked. It also wasn't a contraction. She didn't know what it was, but when she felt something warm and wet on her legs, she knew it wasn't good, not even normal. This was her specialty. She was supposed to know what it was. But there was a throbbing pain in her head, so hard she couldn't think. She just looked down her legs and watched blood streaming down, leaving red streaks on the grey scrubs.
She hit the floor hard and the air was pressed out of her lungs. Her sight went black. And then everything disappeared.
~Seven Months Ago~
Addison sat on the cold bathroom floor. She didn´t know what she felt. It was everything and nothing at once.
Her hands were trembling and one of her feet had went numb minutes ago. She hadn't counted the time, but it had to be at least twenty minutes since she had locked the door – even if nobody else was in the apartment she would normally share with her husband. But he wasn't here. He never was. And in this twenty minutes her life had changed completely. Actually, she had almost known for certain for about nine days now. The tiredness, the tenderness of her breasts, the light abdominal cramps, the nausea and vomiting – she was an OB/GYN, after all. She was supposed to know.
But then she could pretend. She could pretend to miss the obvious signs, could pretend the tiredness was overwork, the cramps were her missing period, that came just a little bit too late. She could pretend the nausea was the flu, pretend she couldn't put all the pieces together to get her diagnosis. The diagnosis everyone could make, not just OB/GYNs, not just doctors, not just women. Everyone. She was almost lucky that Derek didn't care about her anymore, didn't notice any of the signs.
But she couldn't pretend forever. At some point she had to stop pretending it wasn't real, had to face reality. And this point had been reached days ago. But she hadn't been ready then – wasn't even ready now. But she had convinced herself to finally do something and so she had went to the drug store, bought the tests and had taken them one day after. Had taken them today, maybe twenty minutes ago.
And since then she hadn't moved. One test could lie. Five couldn't.
She hadn't shed a tear. Because she had no idea how she felt without pretending.
She just knew two things for certain.
First: She was five weeks pregnant with another man's child.
Second: She had to make a decision. She could tell Derek the truth and risk that he would most likely leave her. Or she could lie. Lie her whole life. Lie to Derek, to Mark, to the baby, to everyone else.
But there was a third option she felt ashamed to consider, to even think about. She had performed the procedure herself countless times. But it was something completely different to not be the doctor, but the mother, glad and guilty at the same time, relieved and afraid.
She had always wanted children. They had. But first they wanted to wait until after med school. Then until after internship, after residency, after their fellowships. When they had finally decided to try, she had begun her second fellowship. And after that, when her career as one of the most respected neonatal and fetal surgeons and OB/GYNs in the world had been save, it had been to late. Too much damage had been done. Her marriage had been falling apart.
She had, however, still wanted a baby. But not like this. Not if she had to lie for the rest of her life.
AN: So that's the first chapter. I've already finished some more, but only in my notebook, not on the computer, so I don't know when I can update. Hopefully soon.
I hope you like this story and I'd be SO happy about reviews.
