Dookie!

Disclaimer: Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordain.

Hi! My name is Percy Jackson. Now, I'm part of something called "An immortal family with issues" basically that means you can be grounded for a hundred years. Last year wasn't a good one. My dad was killed, an evil titan almost killed me and all of western civilization is to be destroyed. Now that's okay and everything but you see, there's a chance that I good be killed. The odds and massive advertising agencies are against me, but I'll be fine. I always am. Back to my life!

"Perseus, pay attention!" snapped my teacher, snappishly. Her name was Ms. Nullwin. No, I don't see a pun anywhere either. She insisted on calling all the students by our full names.

"Sorry Miss, but your mind numbingly boring." I said before I could stop myself.

"Perseus, what did you just say?" asked Ms. Nullwin in her voice. How else would she ask it?

"Miss, but you said honesty is a virtue." I said. "Unless you're now insinuating that you were wrong when you said that, I have now idea how I upset you."

Miss Nullwin sighed. "Percy you just don't understand. People are supposed to sacrifice virtues to appear polite. Didn't your mother explain this to you? Like when she tells friends of your father who walked out on her, they sympathize instead of lecturing her on one night stands." said Miss Nullwin. You're probably thinking my teacher is a monster. You are wrong. I once swung her with Riptide and it went right threw. Of course, I probably should have checked which teacher I was slicing, but yeah. Anyway, she was just your average teacher, slightly more interesting than Heaphsteus. Anyway, before our civil verbal war could continue, the bell rang.

My new school was different. St.Jimmy's gave me a glowing, literally, letter of recommendation. They were so desperate to get rid of me. My new school was called Barklin high. There were three groups of people. The "cool" kids, the punks and the jocks. I fell into the punk category. By default. Stupid swim team.

"Hello, Percy." said Josh. "Last day of school and everything that entitles." he said, hands shaking wildly. "Then we're like, in higher education. Then the chicks will dig us." A note on Josh. He was completely insane, and just about the only friend I had at the school. "But man, I really need a girl." said Josh. "I mean I'm desperate. Look at my fucking hands! They've already got deep, like grooves in them!" he said gesturing wildly at his hands which were overly hairy. He had to shave once a week .Don't ask.

"Yeah." I said. "One day left. Now all ye gods, let's see you mess it up for me this time!" I yelled up at the sky. On my loudest. Man, you will not believe the staring.

"Yo, Jack' Mac Wack." said Rudolph, the leader of me and Josh's number one enemy circle of friends things. The leader of the hip hop listening, R en B worshipping brand name wearing, people like entities who dominated the "cool" crowd. "What you and Josh Mac Toss doing this holiday? Wait ,wait, nothing right?" he asked, looking like he was constipated.

"We're going to start by ripping your throats out and dancing merrily as you bleed." said Josh, walking forwards. I grabbed him quickly.

"No, Josh, it's not worth it. There's no way in hell you're going to remember this tomorrow!" It was true. Or was it a clever ruse? Read on, and find out!

"Ah," said Jake, Rudolph's left hand guy. "You do like copping feel's of each other right?" he asked, and they broke out in overly faked laughter.

"At least my mom isn't overly friendly with the local postman." said Josh, staring at Jake.

"Stop lying you bastard!" yelled Jake, turning green in the face. Yep, imagining an postman and your enemy's left hand guy, you get the picture. Hey! An accidental pun.

"I'm not lying." said Josh. "My dad is the postman." Hands up! Who did not see that coming?

"It's not that Josh." I said. "You are supposed to call him the mail person. Otherwise it could be seen as politically incorrect."

Rudolph grimaced. "You're not worth our time. Excuse us, legions of losers." he said and walked off.

"My name is Jonathan, call me!" I yelled after them. They started running faster.

"But, like what are you going to do, this summer?" asked Josh blinking while staring at the sun. Yep, he was definitely going to wrinkles. Then again, who cares?

"I'm going to summer camp." I said. "Called, uh, camp half wit. It's for the mentally brilliant."

"Makes sense." said Josh. "I'm flying to the colonial island of Australia."

"They're still colonial?" I asked. Time to see through the murky waters of the river of thoughts that flow through Josh's mind.

"Man, I have less than no idea. I don't even now where I'm right now. Who are you anyway?" asked Josh. You would think that Josh was a half blood, and that's why we were friends. You're wrong. Josh was still trying to figure out why other people don't just read the manual when they try to set their VCr or DVD clocks. He has failed to realize that intelligence, just can't compete with pure stupidity.

"Right. I'll see you whenever then." I said.

"Right, you evil stalker! Why are you part of my cell phone background?" asked Josh.

"Josh, that's a puddle on the ground. We're both reflected in it." I said.

"Don't get technical on me." snapped Josh. "I'll see you, when the winds of fate dictate we should see each other next. Tune in next time!" said Josh and walked off. He often walked out in the middle of school. The teachers didn't really mind. Once, the teachers announced we were having a bake sale. Josh's response? "Can I please bring a five dollar note?" No, I do not understand it either.

Mrs. Nullwin walked up to me. "So Josh is playing truant again, Perseus." she asked, with that unflatteringly ugly but oh so tantalizing eyebrow wiggling. Damn. I've been spending way too much time with Josh.

"Perseus, you have visitors at the office. Your mom and a person I believe is to be called Alexis." said Mrs. Nullwin. Yep, she got married in the five minute space that me and Josh were talking. People gallivant way too much in these dark times. It's times like these when you really hope she didn't marry Alex.

"Yes misses, uh what's your surname now miss?" I asked. You had to get these things out of the way.

"Bush, dear." said Mrs. Bush. Oh fuck. This not going to end well.

"Hi, Percy." said Alex when I entered. He wasn't in his usual form. At the moment he looked twenty, maybe twenty three.

"Hello, Mr. Hemmingfield." I greeted him courtesy. Man, I have no idea what I'm thinking. " I trust I find you well?"

"Yes, Mr. Jackson." said Alex. "I must say, your manners are flourishing. And they're getting better."

"Thank you. It's part of my overall scheme to improve my social skills." I said.

"You know those things look hideous on you right?" asked my mom. Okay, enough confusion. More fusion! Because to be a con is to be wrong!

"Perseus." said Mrs. Bush. "Your mother and mister Hemmingfield have arrived to take you to summer camp. According to Mr. Hemmingfield the fate of the free world depends on you getting out of this facility. Frankly, I just can not see a reason to allow it." said Mrs. Bush. Damn! What she said contained fractured logic mixed with no meaning what so ever! Why does this seem so familiar?

"Land sakes, girl!" yelled Alex. "Where's your civic pride and patriotism?"

"Uh, very few people are still patriotic." I said. "I mean, even me, the epitome of American citizen still calls French fries French fries." It was true. I almost got arrested seven times but it was fine.

"Mr. Jackson you have no reason to interfere. I still lack-

"Mrs. Bush." said Alex, and this was it. I mean Alex was now officially pissed off. His hair turned to fire, long black wounds went through his arms and ignited. Fortunately Alex had anticipated that Zeus would choose this time to try and kill me. Unfortunately the final battle between myself and the foul beasts summoned will be in front of my algebra teacher. No, she did not teach Jeff. Anyway, I was hoping it would be in front of the gym teacher so that I could claim extra credit, but what the hell.

"Uh, Mrs, Bush, since when did you have those lethal looking claws?" I asked, feigning politeness. You could tell I was faking due to the dirty thoughts that were running through my head. Also, the person who thought was Mrs. Bush when I did the slash test was obviously someone in disguised as her.

"Fool!" yelled Mrs. Bush. "I am not a mere teacher! I am the Sphinx!"

"What, you're the cat like thing that kills all who can't answer its unthinkable riddle?" asked Alex, who reverted to normal.

"Correct! Yelled the Sphinx and grabbed me. A few words on her current appearance. Her hair had turned to a sort of solid crown, while she had a body made out of hardened granite. Her face was made out of what appeared to be asphalt. Well, it definitely wasn't my fault. "Answer my riddle Prometheus, or the kid gets it!" said the sphinx threateningly.

"You know, it would be a lot easier if I could just bribe you." said Alex. Hmm. I wonder what price I would reach?

"No deal Prometheus." said The sphinx. Damn! I wanted to see an economically based argument decide my fate.

"All right, fine." said Alex. "But I warn you, I've been playing trivial pursuit with Hades for the past three months."

"It matters not." said the sphinx. "Now, here is the riddle. If a traditional pop star icon gets flattened by a tree in a forest, and only one recorder records his or her dying screams, how high on the billboard charts will his or her dying screams go once they've been remixed?" Damn! It's either seventy five or forty seven. Which one will Alex choose?

"Search your feelings Alex." I said. "You'll know the answer to be correct when you stumble upon it." Was that a confident booster, or a clever ruse? You decide.

"Duh." said Alex. "The answer is number seventy three. Only a complete idiot wouldn't know that." Now I feel saved, and insulted.

"Dammit!" yelled the sphinx. "Cause I have to die now." she said and dropped me. I uncapped Riptide and swung it in an arch. The sphinx lost half her grade average and half her body. Ha Ha. Some wittiness over there.

My mother stared at me from the corner. Now, a word about my mother. A. That's enough about my mother for now, thank you. "Percy." she said, in the sad tone she usually had when it was time for us to say goodbye. "We have to go. The war, it's getting worse."

"What?" I asked. "Who is it getting worse? We still have cable right?" I asked.

"Percy, you don't understand." said Sally Jackson. "You have to go and help now. He's, he's entered the war against Zeus."

"Who's entered the war? I thought we were fighting immortal? Are there even more of them?" I asked.

"Not that, Percy." said Alex. "It used to be Poseidon against Zeus. Sky against sea. But now, now Zeus thought he would be able to bring Kronos back no problem. Unfortunately, Hades has taken up the fight. Now, it's death against sky, and as you may have guessed, Hades fights dirty." Okay. I'd hate to be in a morgue right now.

"So what do you want me to do?" I asked.

"Your mother is going to say goodbye, to you, and I'm going to go and help Thalia. She's going to be attacked soon. You, have to go help Annabeth. These monster attacks are getting worse." said Alex, sighing.

My mother took me by the shoulders. "Percy." she said, rushing her words, uh, word. "Promise me you won't get suicidal. I heard what you did on the two fifty foot cliff." Damn! So Alex is a squealer... that is tricky. How do you deal with a squealer who is immortal? It's a tough one, but I would suggest you keep the cards low so that no one else can see what he is getting in his hands, otherwise he might take it personally. "Percy, I'm sorry about telling you your father is the traitor, but he told me too!" she said suddenly. Man, if this was bad for me, I wonder how bad it is for my mother. She kept asking me how I felt, if everything was alright, if I would turn off the Offspring songs already. But then again, she handled it pretty well. "Percy." she said. "Promise me you'll be alright." she said.

"I'll be fine." I said, hugging my mom. "I always am." Ha! Indecent opportunity to use my catch phrase!

"We have to go." said Alex. "Now." He said, consulting his cell phone. "Hades says that he can hold out for about three more hours. Of course, he also says if we don't get moving immediately he's going to kill us all and send his undead hordes across the lands, spreading pestilence, death and the common cold." Woah! I better hurry then.

"Bye, Percy." said my mother.

"Sorry about this, Mrs. Percy's mom." said Alex. "But Zeus attacked early. We thought he would attack later. We even ordered pizza so we could give Percy a proper send off to his heroics."

" Hypothetically, would the pizza have had avocado's on it?" I asked.

"Yes." said Alex. "We even delivered a shipment to ensure there would be enough."

"That gray haired thunder wielding bastard." I said. "Now, it's officially personal."

"Uh, wasn't it personal when he tricked you into killing your own father?" asked Alex.

"Yes, but that was in the long run." I said. "Now, it's more like a sprint."

"I hate to interrupt." said my mom. "But Percy' train leaves in four minutes."

"Holy myself!" yelled Alex. "We've gotta get out of here!" He grabbed me and my mother and flew out of the room. Remember the missing teacher would raise suspicion, and there was only one day of school left, so Alex set the school on fire. Yes, now we can really worship him like a god.

"Holy shit!" yelled Josh, who was standing next to a bunch of guys, smoking something. "My friend just flew past here, along with the Greek titan Prometheus who wields fire!" Woah! He knows his mythology! Also pie.

The guys standing around him looked at his other. "I think I'm going to quit this. We are ruining ourselves." he said, looking at the other with puppy dog eyes.

"Ha! Ha! Flying titan." said Josh and fell on the ground. Hmm. That proves a point, but I don't know what it is.

"Here's your stop." said Alex. "It's a train station. See, those train tickets are going to come in handy!" Damn! The plot is now officially thicker than water!

When I say Alex dropped me off, I mean he literally dropped me off. It hurt the poor Grecian tourist who was under me. Coincidence? I think not! But I say yes. I walked calmly in, and used my ticket to gain entrance to the vaunted seats of the train. I began a journey, a journey, to Annabeth's house. Isn't that unexpected?

Two hours later... I'm still in a train.

An hour later...my stop. Time to get off. I took a cab towards a house that my instinct told me was Annabeth's house. Then I took another cab after I checked her address. I walked down the pathway, the pathway to the door. Man, there's got to be a better way to tell you this, but I knocked on the door. Someone answered. Annabeth's evil step mom.

"Who are you?" said Annabeth's evil step mom. She was kind of like the complete opposite of Athena, without being ugly. Or a man. She had long black hair, red lips and hazel eyes. Her tone said, leave before I call the cops, but her body said fuck off and die half blood. Not the kind of motherly figure any little girl should have.

"I'm Perseus." I said. "I'm back from the dead to woo your step daughter." Okay, I have no idea where that came from.

"I told that- that girl that none of these freaks are to-" began her step mother angrily.

"I'm just kidding." I said. "I'm actually the modern day son of Poseidon. The fate of the entire western civilization hangs on my shoulders. Do you feel better now?"

Her entire face twisted into an expression of the utmost horror and fear. "You mean, that only you can save us?" she asked. I nodded. "We're all doomed." she said. "I better sell off the old antiques then."

"Mom." said a familiar voice. A voice that sounded...familiar. "Who's at the door?" It was Annabeth. "Percy!" she yelled, and jumped into my oh so beautiful arms.

"Who's here?" asked Annabeth's dad, who walked out into the scene. "Oh." he said looking at me. "Annabeth, we've talked about this. I know you don't mean it but you and your friends endanger us all..." Oh, that pissed me off.

"So you went from a goddess to this." I said, pointing at Annabeth step mom. "I would say that's a step down, but it's more like a two fifty foot plummet." Oh, now that broke the ice.

Rewiev Responses!

Bloomingauthor7: Who know what thoughts run through Percy's young mind?

The Oracular Fox: It has happened.

Hank.R.Williams: In case you're wondering, I change your name every time in an attempt to keep your identity safe.

A Great and terrible beauty: Yes, I have been known to help the furry little creatures who scour our planet.

Firemasteyjy: Sometimes, I just can't think of a response. So, don't read this part.

Author's Notes: I must apologize for the delay in posting this so called story. But, my mom recently got me a copy of Terry Prachetts "Thief in time" and I've been hooked ever since. I'll try to update more, but I got seven more Disc worlds books at the library, and I still have two to go. In any case, I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!