If you asked me what my last thoughts were before I was faced with a life or death situation, I would have told you the thought of dying was secretly terrifying. That because I was so dedicated to my job, there was always the chance that I would never live to see my husband again, or hold a child in my arms. Then again, I would tell you how wonderful it was to serve on one of the best teams in Toronto. Team one had the ability to restore my faith, teach me what love was and became my family when I had none around.
You'll have to understand that when I asked Hank to marry me, I was reassured that if anything happened to me while on the job, you would find a way to take care of him as you did for me. Granted, we have one of the toughest jobs. We see the most unimaginable things that make us smile when everything works out on a case, or make us want to cry uncontrollably when it doesn't.
As honest as I was with Hank—and as supportive as he was trying to talk me out of retiring—I know there are going to be some similar scenarios as I mentioned above. Maybe not in the same way as we're used to dealing with, but now he's dealing with the loss of a spouse. We as a team, know what loss is, and it's possible he's going to have questions about how things went down while on the job.
BOSS- I couldn't have asked for a better person to run the SRU. Without you, I don't think anyone on the team could have made it through some of the things that we've been through.
ED- You and Wordy were like the brothers I never had. I'm sure you'll make those rookies feel at home with your pranks. Yes, even though Wordy saved me, I have heard about all the pranks you've pulled over the years. If I haven't said it before, thank you for always watching over me.
SAM- What can I say? You've kept me on my toes. Thank you for that—I will never forget it.
WORDY- I know you've transferred out of the SRU into Guns and Gangs, but something tells me that Ed's going to need some new ideas for those pranks. You've been a great team member and friend, and I couldn't have made it this far without you.
SPIKE- Keep defusing those bombs. The world isn't as safe without your brilliant skills. I know that your dad would be proud of you. Your mom too.
WINNIE-Thank you for everything. Sometimes I wonder how I deal with being a team leader when you're the real mastermind behind dealing with the details of those very "hot" calls.
JULES- We never got to know each other, but I can tell that you are a loved member of Team One. Help take care of them for me.
Last but not least—even though I've switched over as leader of Team Three, I feel like you all knew me best—which is why Hank has given you this letter to read. I imagine you've all made it out alive and are sitting around the conference table as you debrief; or maybe you're staring at the ceiling or a wall, hoping to avoid talking about some aspects of what happened that day. We may be family, but trust me when I say we all have our share of secrets that try their hardest to eat us up inside. I know that its easier said than done, but please don't let it. Keep supporting one another and keep the peace.
-Donna
The whole team was silent as Greg finished reading the letter and placed it on the table. His lips curved into a heart-wrenching smile "Donna, ladies and gentleman." He said in the heaviest tone possible as he stared at the half-folded letter.
"She really had us down, didn't she?" Ed questioned, fully knowing the question to that answer. His expression was sullen as he reached for the letter and read the part addressed to him. "I shouldn't have let her go into that building. She wanted to find Clark—"
"She also knew better than to disobey a direct order," Greg told him solemnly, knowing that he had told her to get to the lab, while Ed had made the final push for Donna and her team to leave the parking structure.
"You know that it could have been any one of us in that building." Jules piped in, knowing that after an exhausting day, they were all more than a little emotionally charged. "She was doing her job."
Ed scoffed in irritation as he rubbed at his chin. "You know the last two words I said to her were?" His voice broke now with such sorrow as he tried hard to keep his emotions in check. "Donna, thank you for everything-" Lip quivering, he paused abruptly as he stood and looked out at the darkening skyline. "Donna—stay safe. And you know what she told me?"
"Always, Eddie," Spike told him, staring at a spot on the table before looking at him. Her last words were haunting, and they all knew it. They had all been listening to what had unfolded; they had the haunting transcript when the bomb had gone off.
"Exact words." Ed seethed, more out of exhaustion that was leading to a lack of patience. "She knew that we would be there to protect her. Instead, we sent her to her death because we weren't there." Looking at his watch, he pushed his chair away from the table in frustration."We figured it out too late. And now if you excuse me, I have to go tell Wordy the bad news."
x-x-x-x
ONE YEAR EARLIER. . .
March 26, 2011
"Donna." Hank's voice broke through the silence as we laid in bed. My husband of one week had been doing his best to comfort me since our wedding that resulted in my ex-partner shooting my husband twice in the back, and four weeks suspension for me wanting to get back at the guy.
"Yeah." Softly nuzzling my cheek against his bare chest, I drew in a tired breath. Neither one of us had really been able to sleep soundly since the shooting. Also, we had yet to talk about what had happened, or the emotions that had come trailing along with it. "I'm awake." Feeling for my hand in the growing light, he gently massaged the skin between my index finger and thumb as we sat in the silence of the early morning.
"I forgot to mention I got a call from Eddie yesterday. You haven't been returning his calls."
"I'm surprised he hasn't called sooner." Rolling on my stomach with a groan, I gathered my thoughts. I had seen it before, the time after someone had to make a hard call the team came together to check on one another. When someone made their first kill, the team was even more critical in making sure that person was okay. My first kill had been Delia Semple, a cop with an alternative motive. After that happened, I had been asked many times after that if I was okay and my response had been each time that I would be fine.
A couple months after that, we got a case of a young couple who had forcefully taken back their biological child, Owen. At one point, the child had been taken by the biological dad and I was left with the difficult decision to take the shot. I couldn't do it and the father handed over the baby and committed suicide by jumping off the ledge. The guilt had been too much and Eddie knew it because he followed me out of the debriefing that night. I also found out later that the boss had been in the other room, listening to the entire conversation.
"Hey. Tomorrow we're going to do this debrief again, and you are going to tell the boss what really happened. 'Cause Donna, the only thing that is more dangerous than a cop that shoots too fast is a cop who can't shoot when they need to. Now you had the shot, and I saw it."
"You saw it?" I challenged him as we stood there in the hall, face to face.
"Yeah."
"Well, where were you, then? Because where I was, I was pointing a gun at a scared kid with a baby in his hands."
"We got an order."
"You questioned the order."
"Yeah, I did. But the boss had information we didn't have. I asked a question, and then I did my job like a member of this team is supposed to. All right? Are you a member of this team?"
"Yes." Tears sprung to my eyes, threatening to fall as we continued our conversation.
"That's good."
"Does this job get any easier?"
"No."
Hank began raking his fingers up and down my almost bareback, which brought me back to reality. "Donna? Where did you just go?"
"I was thinking—" I cleared my throat as he slowly turned onto his side to look at me. "About a case."
"Sounds like it was a hard one." He brushed his hand lightly over my cheek to catch the tear that was threatening to fall, just like it had when I had been talking to Ed.
"It was a hard time altogether."
"Yeah? What made it hard?" His tone was genuine, while the look in his eyes made it seem like I was telling a really interesting story. When I didn't respond right away, his expression grew serious. "We may have not been married a long time, but I already know when you're not saying what's on your mind."
"It's the guilt of the job, that's what it is. It's the reason I thought about retiring in the first place." I paused, losing track of my thoughts for a moment. "I don't want you to have to think about losing me one day. And I would like to start a family—"
"You know that's the one thing we never talked about." His words were filled with regret, and I instantly felt guilty for bringing it up. "I never told you if I wanted kids or not."
"Do you want kids?"
"Do I want kids? Of course, I want kids. And if we're being honest, I never thought I would have the opportunity to until I met you."
"You never thought you'd meet anyone?"
"I knew I'd probably meet someone one day, I just didn't know when. Who knows. I could have been fifty and still not have met Mrs. Right."
"Except for you're thirty-three, and you did meet her."
His eyes sparkled with pride as he grabbed my hand and held it in his. "Yes, I did. And I am glad that I did because you have changed my whole world, Donna Sabine."
"As have you, Hank Gerald."
