Hey. I'm writing this for a number of reasons. 1) It should be amusing. 2) I want to register as a beta and need to fufill certain requirements. 3) I'm not a huge twilight fan. 4) I'm just cool like that. Warning, a few of these may be bordering on being a crackfic. Also...I'm not Stephanie Meyer, and therefore can not take credit for Twilight. Also, there will be vague spoilers for those who haven't read the books...or seen all the movies. Bold: page 35, Twilight

"Hey, Dad, welcome home."

"Thanks." He hung up his gun belt and stepped out of his boots as I bustled about the kitchen. As far as I was aware, he'd never shot the gun on the job. But he kept it ready. When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.

"What's for dinner?" he asked warily. My mother was an imaginative cook, and her experiments weren't always edible. I was surpised, and sad, that he seemed to remember that far back.

"Well...originally I was going to make steak and potatoes, but then I decided to spice things up. So, I made raw hamburg." I said, quite proud of what I managed to come whip up in such a short amount of time.

"Bells...isn't that dangerous for our health? Couldn't we get, I don't know, food poisoning?" he looked like he was about to run away like Roadrunner. I narrowed my eye.

"What are you trying to say? Are you saying I'm not good enough for Edward?" He glanced at me in shock.

"What-"

"No! Don't interrupt me! I'm never good enough, am I? I mean, sure when I was five and I wanted to marry Barney, yeah I get that. And then when I was seven and wanted to rape Johnny Depp, sure, that's cool. And when I was thirteen and wanted Orlando Bloom to rape me, okay, sure. Now though? Jacob's mad at me because I chose Edward over him even though Edward left me because he was trying to protect me and it's just horrible. Even though Jacob- Oh, wait, this didn't happen yet...um, so, how 'bout them Meds...?" I tried to cover up my epic fail. Charlie still looked suspicous.

"Bella, is there something your not telling me?" I'll admit, what I said next probably wasn't the best thing I could've said in that situation.

"Umm, er...These are not the droids you are looking for." I said, waving my hand in front of his face. I don't think I did it right because he looked even more alarmed. He slowly walked toward me.

"Bella, I think a know what the problem is here. I think that you miss your mom and that you need...you need something to make you feel like you belong. I know I don't know a lot about your sex life, but I think it's time you got laid. I think that would really help you fit in. That and maybe buying new clothes, cutting your hair, dying it blonde, tanning your skin, painting your nails, talking in a lower voice and maybe being a bit more social. Other than that, I think you're perfect the way you are." he said all this very sincerly, leaving me in no doubt that he meant every word he said. I looked at him with tears in my eyes.

"Dad?" I questioned, him looking at me immediately.

"Yeah." I hesitated asking him my question, fearing the answer.

"Did you mean what you said?" I looked at him eagerly for his answer. He nodded.

"Every word." The look in his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

"I love you Dad."

Okay, so not my best work. This was just a warm-up though. It will get better.