this is my first Emison fanfic. Warning it involves self harm so if your not comfortable with that then this probably isn't the fanfic for you. This is set after the summer final but Mona didnt die and them setting up for Christmas hasn't happened but the Emison scene/fight did. Hope that makes sense!

I don't own PLL or any of the characters. Reviews are welcome!

Alison pov

"I don't know, are you?" Ever since that conversation all I could think of is they really think I would do this to them. That I would do this to her. "If only I told her before A" I whisper to the four walls of my bedroom. I hear my phone vibrate and look down. -Be home late again, sorry Alison -Dad -sighing I set my phone down and leave my room. He has been avoiding me like the plague since mom died, only to be there when the cops questioned me about some other thing they didnt believe in my kidnapping story. I decide to walk around rosewood because home is the last place I want to stay. To many memories of everything and everybody. To many memories of mom, the girls, even Jason that I couldn't bare to witness for another minute. As I walk I hear her, Emily. "Shit" I say scolding myself as I turn around but just as I do I glimpse Paige. Just keep walking, I think, just keep walking. Finally I make it back home, lock the door and run upstairs.

"Shes happy now Ali, happy without you. She hates you, Emily hates you just like everybody else." I chant while sobbing on my bedroom floor. Slowly I get up and move to the bathroom and rummage threw the drawer and pull it open. There is the little razorblade that has been there for me for the past year. It never leaves. I look down at it and begin to leave little red marks on my toros. I deserve worse then this pain I feel. Nobody here even wants me anymore. Not Aria or Spencer or Hanna or even Emily. Why are you still here, I consider. "There is no reason." I tell myself. Years of hating who I was, who I am all come crashing down and I realize more then ever that I don't deserve to be here anymore. Emily and the girls deserve to be happy and all I do is lie, sinking them deeper and deeper. If I'm gone they can be free of A, free to live like normal teenagers. Paige makes Emily happy, she should be with Paige not me. I have always known I loved her but I'm not good enough. She deserves the best, that is something I am not. Getting off of my bathroom floor I clean my stomach of, wincing at the new scars on my stomach. *beep beep ding!* I hear and walk to my phone. Thats weird I thought it was on vibrate. 2 new text messages, the screen displays. The first one is from my dad again, -last minute business trip. Be gone till Thursday night. Love you.- Great just great. Thats in 5 days. Today is saturday. The next one is a text I have been fearing for the past 3 years. People can try to save you from me but they can't save you from yourself. Look at whos still in your corner. Nobody. -kisses A. Ps nothing is ever locked so don't bother. I start to shake and drop my phone. A was right. Nobody could save me and nobody was even her to help me. After a minute I compose myself and rereading the text. A was in my house when I was in the bathroom. Shaking my head, I walk down stairs, grab a pen and paper and begin to write.

Dear Emily, Aria, Spencer and Hanna

I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you guys and I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you all wanted when I got back. I just piled on lies instead of coming clean because thats all Ive ever known to do. I left to avoid A dragging you all into the mess I started by being rosewoods biggest bitch. You guys deserve to be happy and lead normal lives and thats why I'm doing this. Aria, your going to be an amazing writer and Ezra is a lucky guy to have you. Spencer, Penn state will be a very lucky university to have you as a student. You and Toby are adorable by the way. Hanna, you are going to be an amazing fashion designer and don't give up on Caleb just yet. Finally, Emily, I'm sorry for everything I've ever done. For playing you and for when I did admit my feelings for you not listening to you like I should have. You deserve the best and I'm not that so when u read this I don't want you to be sad I want you to move on and live your life. Be who you want to be and just be happy. I love you.

I'm gonna leave you four so you can be happy and maybe if I do this A will leave you all alone.

Yours truly

Alison.

After writing the note I decide to hand deliver the note to Emily's door so I grab a envelop and seal the letter inside it. I begin to walk to Emily's house, remembering the last time I was here and before I realize it I'm at her door. I hesitate, breath and then knock. I wait a couple seconds and go to knock again when the door opens, to show her beautiful face.

"Alison what are you doing her" Emily says with a Stone cold expression.

"To give you this" I say as I give her the envelop, "read it later tonight and please don't rip it up until after you read it."

"I will read it whenever I want Alison" she says with her hands on her hips.

"Fine read it when I leave. I don't care just read it ok. Please it explains what I am willing to tell. I'm sorry Emily." And with that I turn and run away leaving her with a stunned expression. 10 minutes later I run threw my house to my room and start picking out my cloths. The only ones I wear when something fancy or important is happening and start to change. A white lace dress and black blazer. I go to my drawer and pull out a belt, string it to my bedroom door and set up the chair. Sitting down on my bed for the last time I grab a photo of us the summer before I ran away. Us all smiling together and I began to silently cry. They should be happy again I think as I step up off my bed and onto the chair. Kicking the chair from under me everything begans to fade away. Just before it all goes black I here a scream, its Emily's scream. Then I hear nothing and the only thing I can see is eternal darkness.