Stephenie Meyer, thank you for bringing the Twilight-saga into my life!
Why, why did he do that to me, how could he? I loved him, I trusted him. I thought he would never hurt me like this. What's the point now? He was my all, my life, my future. At least, that was what I thought.
All day, every day those last minutes together with Edward haunted my mind. In my dreams, in school. Even at home, when I tried to occupy me with homework or cleaning, I thought about it, analyzing every word, expression he made. Thinking about what I did wrong, what things I could have said to change everything. To make him stay with me, comfort me, soothe me when I had nightmares, and just hold me in his big, strong arms.
Charlie tried to bring me back, but no one could, I was in my own little bubble. I did my work at home, all the small things that were expected of me, but with no joy in it. Even cooking for Charlie was hard, and I tried to be the "before Edward"- Bella, and I hoped he didn't se thru me. The thin barrier between reality and my bubble tried to break down, but I fought to keep it intact, I couldn't cope with the real world, I was to fragile.
In my dreams I chased Edward in the forest, screaming, "Don't leave me please! I need you to breath!" As I was about to reach him, he disappeared and I held my hand out into thin air and everything became black. At that point I always woke up, screaming loud at the top of my lungs, of the loss of my true love and best friend. My face were covered in sweat and I tried to calm down while putting my hands over my mouth, hoping Charlie didn't wake up and get worried of his only daughters sanity.
The first day without Edward was horrible, I tried to talk me into that everything was going to get better in time, everybody healed, why don't I to? The minutes ticked by and I laid in my bed, just wishing the darkness to get me, I wanted to drown, to not be able to think about how he made me feel, his warm voice blending with his cold fingers over my arms, the tingling feeling in my whole body when he kissed me, dream about the future I thought we had together.
The little voice inside me begged me to forget him, and I tried, but everything reminded me of him. My truck, he always made fun of it, it was his cars grandfather but I liked it and was proud of it. My blue shirt I wore the night in Port Angeles, finding out about the truth. I could go on and on, even the bed felt wrong now, it was to warm, I was used to have him by my side, humming me my lullaby to sleep.
After a week in bed I took a decision, if he could leave me like that, he didn't love me, and I didn't want to give him anything. I would simply put him and all the memories, things that reminded me of him in a little box in my head. Then I would put the lid on and place it far, far away in my mind. I could never, ever open it again, if I did… How could I then go on? This was my first and only chance of having a life without him. It wasn't much of a life, even thou I made the decision, it was hard to stick by it. Once and awhile something fell thru the box, but fast, before I slipped and fell I would put it back and try to go on.
I didn't want to get worse, I wanted to live, at least that was what I thought. Somewhere deep inside I knew this wasn't the life I wanted to have, something would always be missing, and nothing could replace it. The void inside me burned like a fire, it tried to grow bigger but I made it, forced it, back, demanding it to get away. But the harder I tried, the less it worked and somehow I found myself in bed, my legs crawled up with my arms around them, trying to stop the void from getting bigger.
I thought about the first day in school, when I first saw Edward, this was one of the hardest memories, but late at night I couldn't help myself. When he stepped in the room, it was like ha had a glowing halo around him, and for the first time in my life I felt a strange feeling. Of course it was love. I had never experienced it like that, so profound, so big and wonderful. I was sure thou, at least after that first lesson that he would never love such a plain girl like me. He and his siblings were different, beautiful and interesting. They didn't belong there but tried to fit in as good as they could.
When Edward disappeared for a week I got terrified, what if I made him leave? Was it my fault? What had I done wrong? But when he showed again I was grateful, even if he would never talked to me again, at least he was there and I felt safe. It was strange how I felt safe even thou he never talked to me, or even glanced when we did those labs together. Alice always seemed to have a smile for me, and I was happy that at least one in the family appreciated me.
Then, after he took me to his meadow, when we first kissed, the happiness filled my body and I was so ecstatic over him, over us as a couple, I realised my love for him.
Some nights I wish I never came here, that I never met Edward, but as soon as those words formed themselves in my head I regretted them, even thou he never loved me, I loved him and all the late night talks. Spending time with his family, making up plans for the future, well I had my own plans, and Edward tried to make me think about college and other human experiences. But I knew what I wanted, to become a real member in the Cullen family, to be together with him the rest of eternity.
Angela tried to talk to me in school, she asked what had happened, but I couldn't talk about it, I didn't want to cry in public, and by saying his name at loud, I would cry and become numb. The look I gave her was enough to make her never say anything about it again. She was a good friend, and stuck by me in school, even thou I was in my bubble. We sometimes studied together in school, but when I got home I was alone again. I wanted it to be like that, I couldn't be close to anyone once more, that would break me to my bones and I was scared of what I would do to myself if I was left behind once more.
I saw how Jessica and Lauren talked behind my back, but I couldn't care less, I had my blinders on, and that was how I got by in school. I wanted to have my little bubble, I was safe inside it, no one could hurt me inside it and as long as I had it protected around me, I could function.
One day, driving home from school I couldn't stop looking at the big radio I got from Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie, it reminded me of them, and I didn't want anything of them left… so I took a large screwdriver and jerked it in, around the radio and forced the big thing to come out. I succeeded, but it took its toll on me. The dashboard together with the radio was now in a crappy state and I hoped Charlie never saw it, I didn't want to tell the truth, and if I said that somebody nicked it he would go further with it and press charges. Well, not so good, because I was the thief.
And the days flew by, I was surprised when I realised it was Christmas and Charlie gave me a plane ticket to visit Renee and Phil in Florida. He explained that he was on call the whole Christmas as usual, and would probably spend Christmas day in the office with a turkey sandwich by the small tree his co-workers had put up.
The day before Christmas eve I took the plane from Seattle to Jacksonville. It was strange to se how the landscape changed below me, from snow in Seattle to green large fields in Florida.
Renee and Phil waited for me in the airport and they gave me a huge hug. I felt a bit distanced from them, like the third wheel or something, but I tried to show them some enthusiastic. I knew they loved me, and was excited that I was to spend the holidays here with them.
I still struggled to forget everything that had happened that last year, and I think I succeeded fairly good. But Renee saw thru me, and tried to talk to me, to bring me back. I wanted to be as I was before I moved to Forks, but how could I? The change I went thru with him changed me so much, I didn't remember who I was before, and I wanted to hold on to at least some small thing, even thou he said he would never come back, that he never loved me, I loved him! I was a better Bella when I was with him and I wanted to remember that. I couldn't just stop thinking about him, and as long as I had him and all the memories in that little small box inside me I could function.
I just needed to accept my new destiny…to live alone for the rest of my life and love a memory deep inside me.
I think I'm going to try and continue with this story, and it would be nice to have reviews with your thoughts about it!=)
