My biggest problem is that I don't ever think anything is a big problem. I know that doesn't make sense yet, but bear with me.
I do everything with my brother. We've always been together. He means the world to me, and I know I matter to him too. But as much as I love Hikaru, anyone can tell that he's not very observant or even self aware for that matter. I am. I can understand and make sense of my own thoughts and feelings. But I can also understand Hikaru's. I know him better than he knows himself. As a result, I find myself making endless sacrifices for him. I let him get his way in things he didn't even know mattered to him. It might be something as little as letting him chose where to eat or something as long term as playing his "uke" at the host club. Or maybe something bigger like letting him fall in love...
I've always told myself it's not a big deal. And truth is, it isn't. If I can deal with whatever sacrifice I'm making and it'll make Hikaru even the tiniest bit happier, why not make that sacrifice? Why should I get my way when I know giving up the tiniest thing can make someone I love happy? But maybe that mentality is the issue. It's too easy to justify any number of sacrifices by that logic. Surely indirect joy can't be that satisfactory. When do you finally prioritize your own happiness? At what point do you draw the line?
I'm not saying Hikaru's a bad brother. He's a wonderful brother. He cares for me. He protects me. He worries about me. And while he may mock me in classic brotherly fashion, he also celebrates my victories and sticks with me through hardships. He's always there for me.
But he doesn't make sacrifices.
I'm always the one giving in, hoping it'll make Hikaru happy in the long run. And he always accepts, never stopping to think about what I might be giving up. It's not because he's indifferent; it's because he can't put himself in the place of others. He just doesn't know how.
Now, I'm not complaining about my brother's lack of sacrifice. If he was the type of guy to make sacrifices he'd be a completely different person, so I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just worried. Lately it seems like he doesn't need me as much. Throughout elementary and middle school we were alone. We only had each other, so we depended on each other. But now, Hikaru has opened up. He's slowly becoming his own person, and with each passing day he takes the tiniest step further away from me. And even though he doesn't know it, pretty soon he won't need me anymore. Sure he'll still want me- and I'll be there for as long as he'll let me- but there will come a day when he'll realize he doesn't need me; a day when he'll want to move on with his life on his own.
And I don't know if that's a sacrifice I'll ever be willing to make.
Well then. I was not expecting to write a fic today. I was just watching Ouran for the fourth time when Episode 21 came on (Until the Day it Becomes a Pumpkin). For whatever reason Kaoru's monologue really spoke to me this time around. I just felt like I really understood what he was saying and wanted to draw it out some. This is all I planned on writing but I might consider continuing it and turning it into a full story if people show interest. Either way, I hope you enjoyed it!
Dani~
