I hesitantly approach the door. The blinds are closed so I can't see inside. But I know what lies behind the door. I wish I could say that this door is all that separates me from what lies beyond it, but the truth is that there is so much more standing in the way.

Don't get me wrong there people and things in this world that I love. My family, my friends, the firm, my cars, just to name a few. But beyond this door is my whole world.

I take a deep breath and hesitantly open the door and walk in, barely hearing the door close softly behind me. It's a fairly large room, filled with repetitive sounds. It's simultaneously the quietest and yet loudest room I have ever been in. But my eyes and my mind can only focus on two things. The sound of the heart monitor that reflects the blessedly continuous beating of her heart and the beautiful, loving, and perfect face of the woman who is absolutely everything to me. I step to the side of her bed and reach down and take her right hand into my left and gently rub soft circles on the back of her hand. Still holding her hand, I reach up with my right hand and softly, lovingly run my fingers along the edge of her face before running them through the soft ginger strands of her hair. She has several small cuts and bruises that mar her perfect face but to me she has never looked more beautiful.

"Oh Donna." I half expect her to sit up and give me her usual brand of red-headed sass but what greats me is silence. Silence along with the sound of all of the monitors in the room.

I've been so stupid. For over a decade I have been the biggest fool. I know now that I could have had this beautiful, perfect woman beside me as more than just my secretary and friend, but as the woman in my life all these years if only I had been such a stubborn fool. I wish I could go back. Back to when she kissed me in her office, back to when she told me she wanted more, back to when I told her I loved her and she asked me how, back to when she told me that I never fight for what matters when it comes to my heart, back to that day in the diner when she told me when had to put that night behind us. I could and should have opened up my mouth and said what I really felt, what I really wanted, but instead I sat back like the coward that I am and let the years pass us by. I let every opportunity pass me by. When it comes to the firm, my cases, a card game and every other situation around me, I never have a problem taking chances, being brave. But when it comes to the one thing that really matters, the most important thing in my life, the most important person in my life, I've always been afraid. Afraid to lose her. Afraid to take the risk and lose the one thing, the one person, that could actually destroy me.

But I see it now. I see it all so clearly. By not taking the risk, I've lost her anyway. And today, today I could have lost her forever. Not just as a secretary to Louis, or to another position as COO, or to another man, to Thomas, but really lost her. Lost the ability to see her, talk to her, hear her. She could have died today, and the truth is that she still could. These machines around me making all of these sounds could be annoying as hell if they didn't prove every second that she is still here. That she's still breathing, that her heart is still beating, that she's still fighting to live. They are the second most beautiful sound in the world right now. The first is the sound of her breathing and as I lean my head down and place my ear on her chest I can hear and feel the beating of her heart and I decide that I'm wrong, that's the most beautiful sound and feeling in the world.

I know that I'm crying. I don't need to see the tears in my eyes or on my face. I can feel them cascading from my eyes down my chin and onto her chest. I thought that I was broken when she left me to work for Louis, but that was nothing compared to this. I'd give anything to fix this.

I stand back up and I continue running my hands through her strawberry tresses.

"I'm so sorry Donna. I'm so sorry for not being who you needed me to be all of these years. I'm sorry for not saying the words you needed to hear or doing the things you needed me to do. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I just stand there and cry. Holding the hand of the only woman that I have ever really been in love with. Sure, I loved Scottie and Paula. I could have loved Zoe. But Donna is the only woman I have ever been in love with. When I think back, I realize that I have probably always been in love with her. Probably since the first moment I saw her. But I know for sure that I was in love with her the night of "the other time". It had never been that way with anyone else before and it hasn't been that way ever again. She's different. Everything about her and with her is different. I don't deserve another chance, but if she makes it through this, I'm going to tell her all of the things that she deserves to hear. And if by some miracle she decides to give me another chance, I am going to spend the rest of my life doing and saying all of the things she has always wanted and deserved. But if she doesn't give me another chance, if she decides to stay with Thomas or ends up with someone completely different, then I am going to be the best friend that she could ever ask for. I will be supportive and understanding the way that she has always been for me. Because that's what she deserves. She doesn't deserve to suffer anymore because of my stupid foolishness.

"Oh Donna. I should have told you this a long time ago. Thirteen years ago to be exact. I don't know if I'm saying it because you deserve to know or if it's because I need you to know or maybe it's both. But I just can't keep it in anymore. Maybe it's unfair to tell you now that you are with someone, but I need you to know. I love you Donna. I'm so head over heels in love with you. Please wake up and let me show you how much. You once I told me that I had everything, and in a way you were right. I had you and you are everything. But I lost you. I let you slip away. And I am so sorry. You will never know how sorry. But if you let me, I want to give you everything. Whatever you want. A house in the suburbs. Strawberry blonde babies and happily ever after. Because that's what I want. And I want it with you. Please wake up and come back to me Donna. I know it's selfish, but I'm not ready to lose you. This world isn't ready to lose you."