I don't own anything! If did, they would both be much slashier *evil laughter*

Tiny tiny spoiler for the Tenrou Island arc, so if you haven't gotten there yet and want it to be a total surprise, you have been warned.

This starts at the end of Dolores Umbridge's speech in the fifth book, just so we're clear.

"And prohibit what must be prohibited."

Harry yawned as Umbridge finished her speech. He was about to ask Hermione what it meant when one of the older Fairies jumped up and shouted, "real men will never be prohibited!"

"That doesn't make any sense!" A brunette in a bikini top shouted back.

"Nonsense is manly!"

"Shut up!"

"Real men never shut up!"

"What is that supposed to mean!"

A red-headed girl wearing armor jumped onto the table and ordered them to stop fighting because they were disturbing her strawberry cake. They shrunk back into their seat and shouted terrified apologies.

"Fight me, Erza!" A pink-haired boy shouted and jumped on the table next to the girl.

"You stepped on my cake!" She sobbed and punched him hard enough to send him flying.

He made a rather spectacular landing in the teacher's mashed potatoes. Snape fell out of his chair in surprise, knocking over Flitwick's chair and starting a domino effect all the way down.

Everyone in the hall except Fairy Tail was shocked into silence; they continued shouting and laughing and throwing bits of food at each other as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened

"Remind me, were they always like this?" Harry whispered to Ron and Hermione.

"No. Most of their students, a teacher, and their head got frozen in time seven years ago, they were only just freed." Hermione whispered, as her usual, encyclopedia self.

"Must be the biggest trouble makers, They call 'em the Tenrou Team 'cause Tenrou Island is where they got frozen while they were fighting a bunch of super powerful dark wizard who trying to cast a spell to kill everyone without magic." Ron whispered, earning stares from everyone who had heard him spout suspiciously Hermione-like information. "Bill and Charlie used to go on and on about Fairy Tail, especially Titania, that's the girl in the armor."

A blue cat flew over to their table and held up a sign that said 'exposition', "this is what we call lazy exposition," it explained in a high voice to the air behind Harry, "it lets the reader know what's going on. Next, we'll see the 'inciting incident'," it switched to a sign that said 'inciting incident', "it gets the plot moving and catches the interest of the reader."

A blond girl with cleavage that was impossible to not notice and nearly impossible to not stare at stormed over to their table. "Happy, quit breaking the fourth wall! It ruins the realism for the readers and makes it hard to follow the story!"

"What story?" The blue cat asked with its head cocked innocently to the side.

"Shut up, kitty, or the writer will get you!" She shouted with a frankly terrifying expression on her face.

"I only wanted to apologize for the sloppy exposition!" The cat sobbed.

A large handlebar mustache appeared on the cat's face.

The blonde screamed and kicked the cat across the hall.

"Lushi, you're so mean!" It cried as it tumbled through the air.

A small, white cat walked over, "what did the male cat do this time?" She sighed.

"He was talking to readers again." The blonde sighed.

"I knew he would do that."

"Yeah, we all did, he just can't keep up the suspension of disbelief like any other halfway decent crossover character would."

The white cat nodded, they both walked back to their table.

Harry was the first to find his voice a full twenty minutes later, "what...just...happened...?"

Everyone shook their heads in total bewilderment. Somewhere on the other end of the hall, Snape was throwing a fit about not ordering mustached blue cat soup.

An old man as tiny as Flitwick jumped onto the the teachers table, a frothing mug of something raised to the students.

"Alright, Fairy Tail! We have seven years of fun to catch up on! And new nakama to welcome! So lets get this party started!"

He snapped his fingers and the enchanted ceiling of the great hall started flashing multicolor lights, dance music started blaring from somewhere, and a giant disco ball descended from the ceiling.

The roar of cheering from the Fairy Tail table was that of multiple freight trains all at once.

A girl with short lilac hair stood and shouted, "wood make: the scent of true love is midnight!"

Human-sized wooden noses erupted from the ground and pushed the tables, students included, into the far corners of the room, so the center was clear.

The brunette in the bikini stood and shouted, "card magic: the lovers, the magician, the fool, summoned fog!"

Fog poured into the room, giving the flashing lights an almost unearthly appearance.

The green-haired woman in yet another bikini stood and pulled out a rifle, "guns magic: confetti shot!" Confetti shot out of the rifle and started slowly drifting down, effectively turning everyone and everything into mutated rainbow monsters that bore striking resemblances to chicken suits.

They continued turning the great hall into a nightclub, they even produced a DJ who kept shout 'cool!', a DJ stand, and a fully prepared bar.

"This is against so many school rules I don't even know where to start." Hermione muttered from behind him.

"Don't know why you're complaining–" George said, his voice shaking with excitement.

"We've always wanted to go to a Fairy Tail party–"

"They're famous–"

"For all the wrong reasons–"

"Or infamous–"

"For all the right reasons–"

"So cut loose–"

"Enjoy yourself–"

"You only live once–"

"And what happens at a Fairy Tail party–"

"Stays at a Fairy Tail party–"

Hermione bristled, "and I suppose that's why they're serving alcoholic drinks to minors?" She pointed at the bar where a white-haired woman was handing frothing mugs to eager first years.

"Exactly, what's the point of a party if you don't get just a tad–"

"Very drunk–"

"So drunk you can see strait–"

"Or walk straight–"

"Or count past three–"

"And you can totally blame whatever you do on being drunk–"

"That is, if you remember it–"

"It'd be a shame not to–"

"Given all the busty beauties in Fairy Tail."

"I don't understand why the teachers aren't doing anything about this." She glared in the direction of Snape, who was trying to remove the confetti from his excessively greasy hair, Dumbledore, who was having dance battle with a guy in a turban, Hagrid, who was discussing the manliness of Blast-Ended Skrewts with the muscular white-haired guy, Trelawney, who was having an intense staring contest with the white cat, and the rest of the faculty, who was either completely ignoring the situation or in the process of getting hammered.

"I can see what you mean, but controlling them when they get into party-mode is impossible, even for Dumbledore or Mackarov. The teachers learned that long ago." Said a female voice behind them.

They turned to find the armored red-head from before.

"And who, exactly, are you?" Hermione asked huffily.

"Erza Scarlet," Erza extended her hand, "you may know me as Titania."

"T-titania," Ron stuttered, "the Titania?"

"Hermione Granger," Hermione said, taking her hand and obviously expecting a handshake. Instead she was pulled into a face-plant on Erza's chest plate, that could be misconstrued as a hug, with a metallic thud, "h-hard!" Hermione whispered.

"It will be pleasant to have you as a nakama for the remainder of our times here, I look forward to many grand adventures and many wonderful picnics!" Her eyes shone at the last word.

There was exceptionally loud shouting from the other side of the bar, what follows is a brief description of the ensuing fight, names are provided for the sake of clarity of the reader.

"Oi! Icicle, that's my seat!"

"I got here first, flame brain!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"My dear Gray is so lovely when he's fighting! Juvia might faint!"

"Yeesh, can't I enjoy a quiet drink?"

"You drink too much!"

"Real men drink with their fists!"

Everyone in hearing range (everyone in the school) fell silent in confusion, "that doesn't make any sense..." Evergreen said slowly.

"Real men don't make any sense!"

"You can say that again."

"Real men don't make any sense!"

"I didn't meant it literally!"

"Real men mean everything literally!"

"That much is obvious."

"Oi! Salamander! Watch where you're throwing tables!"

"It's not my fault if your head gets between my table and Gray!"

"Aye!"

"You were aiming that at me, magma moron?"

"So what if I was, popsicle pervert?"

"Who are you calling a pervert?"

"Probably the naked guy in the middle of the school." Cana said bluntly and reached for another pint, "this is why I'm single."

Gray looked down to find that he was, in fact, naked, "ack! Where'd my clothes go?"

"Geehee," Gajeel dangled the Gray's underwear in front of the owner's nose, "that's what you get for having tables thrown at me!"

"You too, Gajeel?" Levi sighed as Gray chased the iron dragon slayer around the room, trying to recapture his underwear.

"Shoo-bee-doo-ba! You'll never catch me!" He sang while Gray chased him, and Natsu chased Gray, then Gajeel then tripped on one of the leftover noses.

Laxus shouted in surprise as Gajeel, Gray, and Natsu landed on top of him.

"Are you fighting again?" Erza shouted. Everyone froze, even Fried, who was trying to save Laxus from the sudden dog pile.

"No!" Natsu looked up from his silent wrestling match, Gray's head still trapped between Natsu's legs in a bizarre hold that sounds much more perverted than it actually was, aside from the ice mage's lack of clothes, of course.

"Of–course–not–Er–za!" Gray choked, as he struggled to escape.

"My dear Gray even looks lovely when he's dying of asphyxiation!"

"If you're not fighting again, what are you doing?" Erza shot them a stern look.

"We're just... cuddling!" Gray finally answered.

"Aye!" Natsu nodded his head as vigorously as he could, given that Gray's hands were currently around his neck.

"It's Happy number two again!" Lucy shouted.

"I see, it's good to see you two getting along for once." She turned away and ordered a slice of strawberry cake from Mira, who was currently working behind the bar.

Meanwhile, Fried was trying to revive the partially crushed Laxus CPR; Natsu and Gray were still wrestling on the floor; Gajeel was nailing Gray's underpants to Dumbledore's podium; Happy was trying to convince Dumbledore to let him teach a class on fishing and napping; Lucy and Levi were reading the next chapter while Jet and Droy cheered them on.

"What do you think's wrong with Umbridge?" Ron asked Harry from one of the quieter corners of the hall.

"I dunno, she's just been standing there, like she's frozen, since Fairy Tail stared causing trouble. It's like she's seen a basilisk or something." Harry answered.

"I think she just shut down after seeing so much rule breaking all at once." Hermione put in. This did seem likely, based on what Harry had understood from her speech.

At some point after midnight, Natsu and Sting started arguing about nothing in particular, which led to the fighting, which led to other people joining in, which led to a all-out fight in which everyone in the room was either knocked out or fled before they could be.

I've done it! I've officially dived into the realm of Fairy Tail fanfic! Well, I've officially stuck my toes in the water to test the temperature with a nice crossover!

What did you think? Should I continue? What other characters do you want to see? What do you want to see happen to said characters? Tell me! Review or I will mustache you too!

—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat