SCENE 1
MrWolfman here, i just wanted to tell you guys a few things
about this script before i post it.
first about the script itself. this was written in script
format but the site keeps messing it up so i hope this doesn't annoy you. you can find a better version at TongueHead . com also this was written back in 2006 when a George bush inspired comedy wasn't so cliche.
i wrote this with the dream of performing this with my high
school buddies but as the years have gone by i am giving up
hope that it will ever happen. that being said i at least
want some one to see this. so i hope you enjoy it or hate it
if you are some were in the middle i have failed as a
writer. with that enjoy.
EXT. The United States of High School- morning
kids are talking and scattered about as they wait for the
bell to ring.
soon, a car drives into frame from the bottom of the screen.
cut to a shot of the rear tire. soon the car door opens and
a shoe steps out pan up to see gorge bush.
cut to barbra bush running around the car she is visibly
excited and holding a disposable camera, witch she
constantly uses.
soon the rest of the gang get out of the car and stand in a
group around George.
George, Laura, Rumsfeld, enter behind Barbra Bush, as she
shows them the school.
BARBRA BUSH
Isn't this great. senior year.
summers over back to school. (turns
to group) Tell me its great.
The kids look uneasy of their environment, but try Their
best to fake enthusiasm. they are all sporting frowns except
when barbra looks at them then they do there best to fake a
smile.
GEORGE BUSH
Its...great
LAURA LANE WELCH
It looks like...fun
DONALD RUMSFELD
I'm...excited
barbra pops up beside Donald and puts her hand on his
shoulder.
BARBRA BUSH
(seductively)
are you big boy
DICK CHENEY
(shouting from inside the car)
THIS SUCKS DONKEY!(every one looks
at him) you heard me
BARBRA BUSH
Oh please, get out of the car, its
not that bad
he does. the kids walk past barbra but as George passes she
stops him and pulls him aside
BARBRA BUSH
oh look at my little boy, first day
of his senior year. it seems like
only yesterday you were running
around the house naked yelling
"help mommy! there is a snake in my
pants! (at that moment pretty girls
walk by and laugh)
GEORGE BUSH
mom please
BARBRA BUSH
OK, now George if you need me I'm
only a call away.
George tries to walk away
GEORGE BUSH
OK mom
Barbra pulls George back with intense force
BARBRA BUSH
(gradually more enraged)
NO! I am serious, if you need me
call me.
GEORGE BUSH
mom! your hurting me!
BARBRA BUSH
you think this hurts? wait until
one of these SLUTS! (everyone
looks) gets her claws into you,
then what will you do.
GEORGE BUSH
ill be fine mom
BARBRA BUSH
no you wont don't you see how young
and stupid you are. all you need is
one of these harpies to show you
just a little bit of skin and your
screwed
GEORGE BUSH
MOM!
BARBRA BUSH
and then there's bully's i pray
they don't find your soft spot. but
you know what you don't worry about
any of that because momma will
protect you(hugs George really
tightly). id like to see them try
and touch you I WOULD RIP THEIR
JUGULARS OUT AND USE IT TO TIE A
BOW ON THE BOX I SEND to THERE
PARENTS. AND WHEN THEY OPEN IT AND
FIND WHATS LEFT OF THEIR CHILDREN
THEY WILL KNOW THAT THEY HAVE
FAILED AS HUMAN BEINGS THOSE STUPID
MOTHER F...(interrupted)
GEORGE BUSH
(SHOCKED)
MOM! Wow... I'm going to school
now
BARBRA BUSH
(suddenly calm)
OK sweety, love you.
GEORGE BUSH
(Still freaked out)
OK love you too
As barbra walks away George walks to his friends who have
made a circle near a statue. dick Cheney has a water bottle
that he is drinking from.
when George walks to the group he and dick exchange a secret
handshake.
the hand shake involves slapping hands twice and then
bumping knuckles. while they do this the do a short beet
box.
from here on out we will refer to this as the beet box shake
GEORGE BUSH
sup guys,
DONALD RUMSFELD
hay George, is your mom OK?
cut shot of barbra giving a seductive wink to Donald.
GEORGE BUSH
yeah, but I think that replacing
all her Zoloft with baby aspirin
was a bad idea.
LAURA LANE WELCH
why did you guys do that?
DICK CHENEY
I needed it.
RONALD RUMSFELD
I didn't know you were depressed,
buddy.
LAURA LANE WELCH
well it makes sense his aunt just
died. it must have been extra hard
seeing as you took care of her for
so long.
GEORGE BUSH
I thought you hated her because she
was so needy.
DONALD RUMSFELD
how did she die?
DICK CHENEY
medication mix up (takes drink from
water bottle and licks his lips)
Everyone in the group stares at dick for a second
GEORGE BUSH
(FREAKED OUT)
Any ways...
LAURA LANE WELCH
so George what are your plans for
the year. (nervous) not that I want
to know so I can do the same thing
so I can constantly be by your
side. that would be stockerish ha
ha. WHICH I AM NOT. (uncomfortable
laughter)
Donald gives her a nudge in the ribs, and she stops
laughing.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(Quietly to Donald)
thank you
GEORGE BUSH
(Ignorant to Laura's rambling)
I'm glad you asked. you see last
year we wear nobodies. am I right?
LAURA LANE WELCH
Sad but true.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I glued eyes on a pillow so some
one would hold me.
GEORGE BUSH
But, this is a new year. A fresh
start. And I don't know about you
guys. But I don't want to be known
as "those dudes" any more.
RONALD RUMSFELD
Yeah the only one of use who
actually got a nick name was dick,
and Frankenstein isn't very
inviting.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(TO DICK)
Yeah, and can you not try and
reanimate any squirrel corpses this
year?
DICK CHENEY
I will stop when I become a god
among squirrels(takes drink)
LAURA LANE WELCH
Why do we hang out with you.
DICK CHENEY
(making intense eye contact
with Laura)
you know why (licks lips
seductively)
LAURA LANE WELCH
You're disgusting.
GEORGE BUSH
Guys, don't lose focus. So anyways,
I have a full proof plan to insure
we will rise up and control this
school. Just like cake rises and
controls fat kids.
DONALD RUMSFELD
my pillow/girlfriend loved cake.
LAURA LANE WELCH
So whats your plan George.
GEORGE BUSH
First step of my plan is simple
(Everyone waits in
anticipation)Come up with a plan!
RONALD RUMSFELD
(disappointed)
Isn't that obvious
DICK CHANEY
and retarded
GEORGE BUSH
no, you see if you plan on making a
plan its like the plan is already
underway, instead of in pre
production. it keeps you motivated
DICK CHENEY
that's not how that works.
LAURA LANE WELCH
I think its a lovely plan.
DICK CHENEY
you got some of geore's shit right
here (points to nose) you might
wanna...
(Laura punches dick in the arm)
GEORGE BUSH
Guys don't get caught up on the
technical side of things. We will
come up with a plan. but for now,
all that's important is that will
strive to be the most important
thing in this world. we will
be...POPULAR!
song: "we'll own this school"
gorge sings specifically to Laura and dick excluding Donald
who makes remarks at the fact
GEORGE BUSH
(sung)
hay, JUST TRUST IN ME its ALL YOU
HAVE TO DO TO BE FREE right now
were just part of the class BUT
ONCE WERE DONE WILL kick some ass I
promise you now we three (four)
will be cool I promise you we will
pwne this school
LAURA
(spoken) I see what your saying,
but how can we ever possibly be the
coolest three (four)
GEORGE BUSH
(sung) don't worry just leave the
plan to me just stay strong and I
promise you three (ignoring me wont
make me go away) that we will pwne
this school
GEORGE BUSH
(spoken)
see just leave it to me
Dick throws his empty water bottle over his shoulder. Al
gore notices and angrily picks it up
AL GORE
(sung) will these fools ever
appreciate that polluting the
planet will seal there fate ill
just have to hope they get the gist
if not ill crush them with an iron
fist
the principal walks out side. he is not that old physically
but the tired look is his eyes makes him look weathered
THE PRINCIPLE
(spoken) come on every on get to
class (sung) yet another year ill
hate why god, did I receive my fate
these students get worse over the
years yet another year of using my
cats to wipe my tears I swear I
don't know what to do here's to
another year ill rue
BARBRA
(from behind the bushes)
oh honey I love you so If someone
tries to hurt you ill know because
Ill watch through sleet snow and
rain and if someone tries to hurt
you ill cause them pain over this
school my shadow will loom every
one will feel my doom
cut to donald
DONALD RUMSFIELD
so we'll find a way to make them
see.
Donald gets pushed out of the way by gorge
GORGE BUSH
that it is all about me
EVERYONE
so no matter what they say its
going to be my way and I'm going to
own this school
everyone poses. they stay like that for a while. then the
principal shows up
THE PRINCIPLE
GET TO CLASS!
SCENE 2
int. school hallway
dick and George are at there lockers
GEORGE BUSH
today took forever, but at least
its over.
DICK CHENEY
I skipped all my classes so I
wouldn't know
GEORGE BUSH
hay you think my plan for
popularity will work right.
DICK CHENEY
(stares at bush for a moment)
no
GEORGE BUSH
well at lest your honest. (sigh) I
just need to come up with a new
plan that can't fail.
DICK CHENEY
an actual plan would be a good
starting point
at that moment Condoleezza Rice walks across center stage
and stops at her locker. the sight of her puts George in a
daze. their should be aura of light and music surrounding
her.
GEORGE BUSH
(love struck)
what was I talking about.
DICK CHENEY
new plan
GEORGE BUSH
(love struck)
yes a new plan a good plan a smart
plan a beautiful plan. with a
bright smile (dick looks up from
his locker and stares at George)and
legs that are as smooth and as long
as a rail road tracks.
DICK CHENEY
wait what
GEORGE BUSH
a plan you just wanna show whats
up. take it in the back room and
grabs its hair. yell "welcome to
thunder dome!" then
you...(interrupted)
DICK CHENEY
(pushes George)
gorge stop, your plan is giving me
wood.
GEORGE BUSH
dick look (points at Condoleezza
Rice)have you seen a more beautiful
woman. man, I know it sounds
strange but, i feel a connection. I
see a future with with this woman.
a future with kids and a house, and
not just any house but a house
where there is a white picket fence
and a...(interrupted)
DICK CHENEY
dibs!
GEORGE BUSH
ahhh! come on bro.
DICK CHENEY
I called it.
GEORGE BUSH
that's just like you dick. I find
something that brings me joy and
you go and take it from me. this is
my dog all over again.
DICK CHENEY
Sorry, my bad for craving Korean
food.
GEORGE BUSH
(angry)
It was your bad.
DICK CHENEY
whatever, hay go get her number for
me.
GEORGE BUSH
why would I talk to her for you
what you think i am some sort of
bitch who wont stand up for
myself...(dick stares at George for
several seconds with a unamused
face)...ill be right back
George walks over to were she is standing. she has her back
to him and does not seem to notice him standing behind her.
he tries to gain the courage to get her attention but to no
avail. so he awkwardly walks back to Cheney.
DICK CHENEY
what happened
GEORGE BUSH
I panicked
DICK CHENEY
calm down, its not that hard
GEORGE BUSH
then do it yourself
DICK CHENEY
and miss the show
GEORGE BUSH
I hate you
George once again walks over to Condoleezza Rice after
several seconds he gains the courage to cough, gaining her
attention.
GEORGE BUSH
(nervous)
um, hi my name is George and my
friend dick wants to meet you.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
excuse me!
GEORGE BUSH
(really nervous)
wow that sounded bad. NO! what I
meant to say is that my friend dick
who is standing over (points) there
would like your number.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
there is no one over there
(George turns to see that his friend has left him.)
GEORGE BUSH
well it was nice meeting you. I am
going to hang myself now (turns to
leave)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
your funny(starts laughing)
GEORGE BUSH
yes (turns back)joke, of course its
a joke. (quieter) and not just some
asshole.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
what about assholes
GEORGE BUSH
they stink... but thats not the
point. whats your name
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
my name is Condoleezza
GEORGE BUSH
nice to meet you my name is george
he shakes her hand for a really long time
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
so..you wanted my number?
GEORGE BUSH
that would be nice
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
I'm sorry your just not my type
GEORGE BUSH
oh... i... how do you know
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
i only date men who exude power
GEORGE BUSH
power?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
yeah you see...
SONG: "I only date guys with power"
the kids in the hall clear out except for a few members of
the jazz band who linger to play back up.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
(slow and sultry)
you see when it comes to men im
looking for a certain appeal and im
sorry to say boys like you don't
give me a thrill you see i need a
man who's presence is so commanding
that all weaklings cant remain
standing in the end i need a man
who has power
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
(uptempo)
sorry kid you seem kind but
unfortunately you don't blow my
mind I need a man, who is strong a
man more commanding than king Kong
I need a dude with attitude I need
guy who is do or die I need a gent
who can pay the rent who has the
skills to pay those bills you see
George your really cool but
compared to a real man your just a
fool so you see I am looking for a
man with grit but unfortunately
your just not it so George cant you
see your just not strong enough for
me
GEORGE BUSH
hay girl you've got me all wrong
despite my appearance, I promise
you I'm strong Ive got biceps that
go on for miles definition more
deadly than a crocodile Ive got
strength of thirty men I have the
courage of a lion I got muscle to
handle a tussle I hit the gym hard
despite all the lard
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
oh George your cute but you just
don't see that physical strength
isn't enough for me if you want my
love you'll have to find a way to
be strong in the mind because true
power comes from control and having
the power to show people there role
you may think its cruel I don't
date men who cant rule but go make
those monkeys dance and you may
just have a chance yes because I
said it once and ill say it once
more if you don't have power don't
knock on my door pa pa pa pa pa
powwawaer yeah
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
so you see if u want to impress me
you got to have some semblance of
power. shame too you seem really
nice.
GEORGE BUSH
could you maybe just bend the rules
a little bit.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
nope, see ya
as she leaves dick reemerges and startles George in the
process.
DICK CHENEY
how did it go.
GEORGE BUSH
amazing I mean she is just...wow.
but, there is a problem she only
dates guys she deems have "power",
but all I have to do is climb the
social ladder according to plan and
get the girl in the process. its
perfect
DICK CHENEY
you mean all "I" have to do right
GEORGE BUSH
what?
DICK CHENEY
I called dibs remember. so when we
climb the social ladder i get the
girl. right.
GEORGE BUSH
um... yeah sure buddy of course.
hay lets go
beet box shake
-BLACK OUT-
SCENE 3
INT. George's bedroom-day
George rumsfeld and dick are sitting around Georges room.
George has a chalk Board and is speaking to the other two.
GEORGE BUSH
OK hombres, Laura isn't here yet
but lets get going.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I am so excited, thanks for
inviting me.
DICK CHENEY
technically you fallowed us.
DONALD RUMSFELD
I just cant stand to be alone
anymore
GEORGE BUSH
witch is exactly my point amigos.
the longer we stay social outcasts
the more likely we are to become as
sad and pathetic as Donald over
there.
DICK CHENEY
you forgot annoying and
prepubescent.
DONALD RUMSFELD
(sad)
I'm just happy that someone is
talking about me.
GEORGE BUSH
exactamente, witch is why we have
gathered to start phase doce of my
brilliant plan to gain social
recognition within our highly
importante school lives. if your
confused ill take a question
rápido... hey la audiencia a ver la
película si usted sabe el punto
español en un gringo y se ríen que
será divertido, ya que no sabrás
por qué
dick raises hand
DICK CHENEY
yeah whats with all the Spanish?
GEORGE BUSH
I have a test on Tuesday.
George turns his attention to the chalk board and starts
drawing
DICK CHENEY
stop it its annoying
GEORGE BUSH
don't be jealous just because while
I'm getting an A+ on that test
you'll be kissing your grades
sayonara. mis poderes mentales son
mucho miedo de hecho
translation: my mental powers are very scary indeed
DICK CHENEY
sayonara is Japanese...moron
Laura opens the door and walks in
LAURA LANE WELCH
sorry I'm late.
DICK CHENEY
that's strange your usually the
first one at these "meetings"
LAURA LANE WELCH
(joking)
yeah I was watching George from the
bushes when he texted me, so I
walked around the block a few times
to avoid suspicion(fake laughing).
(suddenly nervous) I'm kidding of
course. I mean why would I do that.
that would be mental (nervous fake
laughing)
DICK CHENEY
were you born this awkward or did
you get training.
very seriously laura crosses her throat, and points at dick
GEORGE BUSH
quite down children, Ive done it.
DONALD RUMSFELD
done what?
GEORGE BUSH
I just come up with the perfecto
plan to become the senor of all the
seniors. dios soy increíble
translatiopn: god im awsome
DICK CHENEY
I told you to stop that
LAURA LANE WELCH
whats the plan
bush steps aside to revile his crudely drawn plan on the
chalk board.
GEORGE BUSH
you see its simple...juggling!
DICK CHENEY
this should be good.
GEORGE BUSH
you see we find a way to make
juggling illegal.
LAURA LANE WELCH
well I guess juggling is lame but i
don't see how...(interrupted)
GEORGE BUSH
once juggling is illegal, it will
automatically become irresistible
to teenagers.
DICK CHANEY
i like things that are illigal
LAURA LANE WELCH
you would
DONALD RUMSFELD
it's sad but true.
GEORGE BUSH
(annoyed)
Donald I'm talking here.
DICK CHENEY
yeah come on
DONALD RUMSFELD
but they all got to make
interjections
GEORGE BUSH
Donald I don't care what they get
away with I'm talking to you.
DONALD RUMSFELD
sorry
GEORGE BUSH
anyways as I was saying, once there
is a sudden increase in illegal
juggling awesomeness. we will
emerge as the worlds greatest
jugglers and in the end we will be
so great we will convince the
legislators to revoke the law
becoming instant heroes. isn't it
brilliant. i scare myself
sometimes. gato volador Taco Bell
Translation: cat frisbee taco bell
several uncomfortable moments pass as Georges friends are at
a lose for words. then after a few moments, Donald nervously
looks around the room and slowly raises his hand.
GEORGE BUSH
Donald, put your hand down.
soon after dick raises his hand very smugly
GEORGE BUSH
the floor recognizes dick Cheney
DICK CHENEY
am I the only one who thinks this
is a crappy rip off of foot loose.
everyone nods and agrees
DONALD RUMSFELD
(muttering)
that's what I wanted to say
GEORGE BUSH
no, no, no, its not like that at
all, I haven't even seen that movie
your talking about so, yeah
dick gets up from his spot and leans against a wall were a
poster of matalica resides
DICK CHENEY
really you've never seen that movie
GEORGE BUSH
never
dick rips down the matalica poster reviling a very
effeminate foot loose poster
GEORGE BUSH
that's not mine
everyone stares at George
GEORGE BUSH
that's not even what matters, does
anyone have something to say who's
opinions matters
Donald raises his hand again
GEORGE BUSH
I swear to god Donald
Donald puts his hand down as Laura puts her hand up.
GEORGE BUSH
yes Laura
LAURA LANE WELCH
(nervous)
well its just that um, well, you
see I like your plan but George you
can't juggle.
GEORGE BUSH
hmm, that's something I should have
realized. (saddened)well that's all
I got. lets just give up.
DICK CHENEY
sweet
LAURA LANE WELCH
no don't say that
GEORGE BUSH
who am I kidding that juggling bit
was my A game
DICK CHENEY
if that was A material you must
have gone through the whole
alphabet and had to start over.
George stands up and faces dick but Laura gets between them
GEORGE BUSH
your mom went through the whole
phone book and had to start over
DONALD RUMSFELD
nice one
GEORGE BUSH
shut up
dick and George get in each others faces
DICK CHENEY
(insulted)
well your momma...what ever
short pause then George sinks to the ground
GEORGE BUSH
YEAH...(sigh) I cant even stay
committed to arguing. lets face it,
were just wasting our time.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(consoling)
don't say that. lets just take a
second and I'm sure that will think
of something.
every one finds a comfortable spot and starts thinking
quietly. except for George who just sulks on his bed. after
a few seconds the lights dim and a ticking can be heard,
giving the illusion time is passing. until the gang stars
talking making the audience realize the light effect is part
of reality
LAURA LANE WELCH
George is your house possessed
GEORGE BUSH
no there is just some problems with
the electrical wiring
DICK CHENEY
well its annoying. it better
stop...(everything goes back to
normal)...soon. well OK then.
LAURA LANE WELCH
that cant be safe. how long has
your house been like that.
GEORGE BUSH
a while now. my dad said he would
fix it, but it seems that
everything else in his life is
taking precedence.
DONALD RUMSFELD
what a minute! precedence,
precedence (snaps fingers)
PRESIDENTS!
GEORGE BUSH
OH MY GOD DONALD UNLESS YOU HAVE AN
IDEA SHUT THE HELL UP.
DONALD RUMSFELD
but that's just it
I...(interrupted)
GEORGE BUSH
DONALD! SHH OK
Donald sits down in defeat after a few seconds he picks up
the ripped matalica poster and starts writing a message on
it. once he is done he crumples it and throws it at dick.
who reads it.
DICK CHENEY
oh George I got an idea. why don't
we run for class president.
GEORGE BUSH
(excited)
of course, your brilliant dick.
DICK CHENEY
thanks I know.
LAURA LANE WELCH
school president. that's perfect.
and you wont even have to do a good
job. from what I've heard about the
last president he set the bar
pretty low.
DONALD RUMSFELD
really, did he suck that bad
LAURA LANE WELCH
yeah he really blew!
SONG: "1-2-3-win"
dick should not participate in the fallowing song in any
way. he should simply stand against the wall looking cool
GEORGE BUSH
wow president, it's perfect. why
didn't I see it before. its the
easiest way to become popular
without being athletic, rich, or a
slut.
DONALD RUMSFELD
Ive tried that last one it doesn't
work.
GEORGE BUSH
friends we have our plan.
GEORGE BUSH
(sung)
the dye is cast, and our turn has
come now its time for us to show
everyone the fire in our souls will
never go away we will rise up and
rule the day
EVERYONE
cause it win lets let the
games begin its true I don't lie
this battle is do or die our whole
lives we've been lost and ignored
but on this day you can be assured
that no matter what they all may
say today's a brand new day
GEORGE BUSH
so you see were her to stay so
whats really left to say
LAURA LANE WELCH
Ive longed for my place on earth
but with today I feel a rebirth I
more sure about this than any thing
before finally I can see my ship
coming to shore and I know they say
lust is a sin but I cant help hope
George is the captain
DONALD
it time to shine its our final hour
let us climb that social tower. we
have our plan so lets not give up.
GEORGE BUSH
hay donald, shut up
EVERYONE
cause it win lets let the
games begin its true I don't lie
this battle is do or die our whole
lives we've been lost and ignored
but on this day you can be assured
that no matter what they all may
say today's a brand new day
GEORGE BUSH
cause its...
DONALD RUMSFELD
3!
LAURA LANE WELCH
2!
GEORGE BUSH
1!
EVERYONE
win
the trio ends there song in a pose with all three reaching
there hands in the air
DICK CHENEY
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOUR GAY!
everyone shoots dick a dirty look
GEORGE BUSH
you can ruin anything dick
LAURA LANE WELCH
lets just go
everyone leaves bush's room, not nearly as excited as before
-BLACK OUT-
SCENE 4
INT. school hallway
shot of a barren hallway, except for a janitor mopping the
floor. then the bells rings and kids flood the hall with
movement and talking. George and his group walk into frame
caring papers. they walk to a box outside the principles
office marked "school government forms"
GEORGE BUSH
OK, you guys did you fill out your
forms.
DONALD RUMSFELD
sure did.(gives his forms to
George)
DICK CHENEY
here you go (hands form over)
LAURA LANE WELCH
I'm so excited what are you guys
running for.
GEORGE BUSH
El presidante amigo (dick punches
him in the arm) AY! papi
DICK CHENEY
I'm running for vise president.
LAURA LANE WELCH
really?
DICK CHENEY
yeah, its all the power but none of
the responsibility.
LAURA LANE WELCH
and what about you Donald.
DONALD RUMSFELD
secretary of defense.
LAURA LANE WELCH
what?
DONALD RUMSFELD
yeah
LAURA LANE WELCH
(confused)
OK
GEORGE BUSH
how about you Laura aren't you
running.
DICK CHENEY
have you seen her hips? she never
runs
Laura punches dick really hard in the arm
LAURA LANE WELCH
(nervously)
no George I'm not, but id love to
be your adviser. kind of like the
first woman you talk to in times of
trouble. some would say a kind of
"first lady"
GEORGE BUSH
sure id love you to be my "first
lady"
LAURA LANE WELCH
(very happy and loud)
oh god, yes!
every one in the hall looks at her. after a few seconds they
go back to there business, except for AL gore, Joe Lieberman
and Helga. who start walking towards the group.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(trying to sound nonchalant)
I mean cool.
DONALD RUMSFELD
(looking in the box)
there is only three forums in here.
you would think there would be
more.
AL GORE
(loud and boisterous)
no people are just smart enough to
know they don't have a chance.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(indignantly)
and you would be
AL should be a proper douche bag, and almost sound British.
Joe is the typical tiny yes man, and should almost should
like a prohibition gangster. Helga should either be a very
large man in drag or a very petite girl, but we all know a
guy in drag is best.
AL GORE
only your future president
JOE LIEBERMAN
yeah so show some respect!
GEORGE BUSH
last time I checked this was
America. and in America we don't
have to respect the peaple that are
gonna end up licking our boots.
(high fives Donald)
AL GORE
of course, but president can be a
stressful job. Helga! (snaps
fingers) you never know when you
might crack.
Helga grabs a large text book from a student, and proceeds
to snap it in half
DONALD RUMSFELD
that is a very strong lady.
GEORGE BUSH
(nervous)
yeah well, it doesn't matter how
strong she is because...your
nothing special, and... were still
going to win.
AL GORE
that's right, of course you'll win
your the richest most popular kid
at this school... oh wait that's
me.
the gang starts laughing witch leads to the onlookers in the
crowd to start laughing. then AL waves his hand and the
laughing stops, except for Donald who continues to laugh.
GEORGE BUSH
(after giving Donald an elbow)
what are you doing man
DONALD RUMSFELD
(whispered)
I'm sorry, I just wanted to fit in
GEORGE BUSH
yeah well, you think your so cool
with your 1920's yes man and your
scary man lady, and your money.
DICK CHENEY
don't forget his good looks.
LAURA LANE WELCH
and his hair
DONALD RUMSFELD
and abs you can do laundry off of.
GEORGE BUSH
AND ALL THAT STUFF...I'll be honest
I don't know were im going with
this.
JOE LIEBERMAN
see boss, these guys arnt nothing.
let me take them out...permanently.
AL GORE
in good time, for now just leave
them a warning.
SONG: "Global Harming"
HELGA, JOE
bump bump bananana (x4)
AL GORE
you better check your self before
you wreck your self you better
watch your back before I attack you
better watch your self before you
find your self on the wrong side of
gore because this is your first and
last warning so try and listen if
you keep this up your teeth will be
missin you shouldn't even try
because your destine to lose cause
im a big bad man your gonna find
out soon that we are global harming
and we have got it out for you I
know its scary but there isn't much
to do face the facts kids your
through bump bump bununua bump bump
bununua so run and hide now its
your only hope cause I am warning
you now don't you drop the soap
because if you let your guard down
ill sneak up from behind and ill be
rougher on you than a pineapple
rind bump bump bununua (hes gonna
get you) bump bump bununua bump
bump bununua (hes gonna get you)
bump bump bununua
AL GORE
so any questions
DICK CHENEY
yeah, did you say that your gonna
sneak up on us from behind.
GEORGE BUSH
and something about a rough
pineapple
AL GORE
oh clever patty MC fatty.
JOE LIEBERMAN
hay boss I don't think they got the
message maybe I should beat it into
them
AL GORE
fine, have your fun
JOE LIEBERMAN
you hear that. now you've done it.
here comes pain. they call me lttle
beet. because im little and i like
to beat.
silience... then george starts laughing
JOE LIEBERMAN
thats it
Joe and Helga walk slowly towards George and his group. with
every advancing step from Joe and Helga comes a step back
from George's group. soon George's group backs up till they
are near the janitor. so dick grabs his mop and pushes him
back.
DICK CHENEY
George here
dick hands him the mop. once George has the mop he swings it
at the attackers
GEORGE BUSH
ha, unfortunately for you im a
black belt.
George starts swinging the mop in an almost impressive
fashion that causes the antagonizesrs to back up. that is
until he accidentally lets go and the mop flies out of his
hand.
GEORGE BUSH
black belt in training... I meant
im a black belt in training.(Joe
and Helga start advancing on George
again) wait can I get a redo. come
on guys redo. just for the record
if you had done that I would have
given you a redo. I mean cant
you...(interrupted)
JOE LIEBERMAN
shut up!
DICK CHENEY
any more brilliant plans.
GEORGE BUSH
just one...RUN!
George tries to run but only gets a few feet before he slips
on the wet ground and falls. laughter roars. then the
principle comes out of her office.
GEORGE BUSH
(defeated)
why?
THE PRINCIPLE
what is all this racket? school
ended ten minutes ago. you scum
sucking spores should be as far
away from me as possible by now.
AL GORE
we were just having a difference of
opinion, but im not one to add
insult to injury. so will be
leaving now.
AL and his gang leave along with the rest of the students.
the principles goes back to her office. soon the group is
all alone. a sense of despair looms over the group.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(to no one)
yeah you better run! (helps bush
up) are you alright?
GEORGE BUSH
no!
LAURA LANE WELCH
is it your back?
GEORGE BUSH
(very upset)
no! its everything. its my pride,
my honor, my very masculinity. its
every thing I worked for
its...(takes a step and grabs his
back in pain)... OK, its also my
back. but that doesn't matter what
matters is I blew it. now the whole
school thinks im a big fat
idiot.(quieter) why would
condelezza even look at me now.
DICK CHENEY
why does that matter?
GEORGE BUSH
what
DICK CHANEY
she was never going to go out with
you
GEORGE BUSH
you know what dick maybe i dont
give crap about the sactity of
"DIBS" and maybe i was going to ask
her out myself.
DICK CHANEY
oh i know that, i meant that she
would never go out with you under
any circumstansis. she needs a real
man like me
GEORGE BUSH
(exploding)
DICK SHUT THE HELL UP. YOU'VE BEEN
MY BEST FRIEND FOR YEARS, BUT
HONESTLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. YOUR
THE WORLDS BIGGEST JERK, AND I'M
SICK OF YOUR CRAP. ALL YOU DO IS
TAKE FROM ME, SO YOU KNOW WHAT
EXCUSE ME IF I THOUGHT I DESERVED
SOMETHING FOR ONCE, YOUR HIGHNESS.
DICK CHENEY
I don't have to take this.
dick storms out of the hall
DONALD RUMSFELD
DICK WAIT!
Donald starts to run after him but is stopped
GEORGE BUSH
donald shut up let him go. its not
about him.
DONALD RUMSFELD
why because its about you.
GEORGE BUSH
wait what
Donald tries to back track
DONALD RUMSFELD
your not as selfish and cruel as
him, but your both kinda jerks. but
you guys are all i have (running
towards the door) DICK WAIT UP!
GEORGE BUSH
(turning his attention to
Laura)
well im sure your waiting to call
me a jerk too so lets have it.
LAURA LANE WELCH
no George. I would never.
GEORGE BUSH
well apparently the whole world
hates me.
LAURA LANE WELCH
I could never hate you George.
because the truth is, deep down,
I..I...(sighs) I just don't.
GEORGE BUSH
well you should.
George walks away, and Laura is left alone.
LAURA LANE WELCH
ugh, im so stupid. I was so close
to telling him how I feel. (sinks
ageist wall) I must be crazy. its
like momma said. the definition of
insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again, and expecting
different results. but then again
she said a lot of things.
SONG: "does it make me crazy"
Laura should walk down stage and a magical curtain should
close behind her.
LAURA LANE WELCH
(sung)
when I was young, my mom said to
stay true to who you are to never
give up, and if you are strong true
love wont be far but the years have
passed and my heart is sunk I guess
that's what I get for listening to
a drunk but the truth is George ill
never let you go inside me lurks a
love that will continue to grow and
some may say my love goes too far
but if they call me crazy and ill
find out who they are so, does it
make me crazy that I want him by my
side and, does it make me crazy
that I see him in my mind and, does
it make me crazy that for him I
would die well maybe just a little
I guess I cant really lie so go
ahead and call me crazy see if I
care I don't mind you think it
crazy for me to have a baggy of his
hair my family may want to send my
to therapy but who isn't a little
crazy so, does it make me crazy
that I want him to get the hint
and, does it make me crazy that I
collect his belly lint and, does it
make me crazy that I want to tie
him in my basement well maybe, just
a little but I don't care and
people have said my love has gone
to far but most of those people
were beaten with a rusty bar so
George, go ahead and call me crazy
ill continue to fallow you even if
I accumulate a restraining order or
two I don't care what the law says
because there is no restraining my
heart and even if I have to kill
you we will never be apart no we
will never ever ever ever EVER!
be apart
-BLACK OUT-
SCENE 5
gorge is walking done the street visibly depressed. it is
dark and it is cold.
GEORGE BUSH
im such an idiot, my friends
probably never want to speak to me
again and there all I have left.
but dick can be such a ass, he acts
like the world revolves around him.
cut to dick walking down a similar street, in a similar
fashion.
DICK CHENEY
who does gorge think he is. i was
happy before he came along and I'll
be happy after he is gone.
cut back to gorge
GEORGE BUSH
i wish i never met him.
cut to dick
DICK CHENEY
i wish i never met him
cut back to gorge how aggressively kicks a can down an ally.
then cut to dick who throws a rock at a window shattering
it. we go back to gorge who sinks in front of a wall.
song "I Need My Dick/Bush"
GEORGE BUSH
I hate him so much he has treated
me so wrong so why does it feel
like something is wrong
DICK CHENEY
he is nothing but a jerk I wish he
would just disappear so why do i
wish he was here
GEORGE BUSH
could it be that I
DICK CHENEY
could it possibly be
GEORGE BUSH
that I miss my dick beside me a
noble hand to guide me I miss my
dick cant you see, I need my dick
there for me we would play and
laugh so much we always got sick
could I throw away all the good
times I've had with my dick
DICK CHENEY
bush you've always been there
through the thick and thin you
always kept me warm no matter the
shape I was in and even though I'm
still angry I feel I must say I
miss my bush around me, his touch
to surround me I miss my bush there
for me, that embrace to warm me
because you see its true I need you
even though I wouldn't dare say
BOTH
its a simple fact their is no pact
that fits better than dick and bush
then the tone changes as both kids remember their rage.
GEORGE BUSH
but no I cant forgive him this time
DICK CHENEY
I won't let him get the last laugh
this time he crossed the line
GEORGE BUSH
he wont push me around ill show him
this means war
DICK CHENEY
that idiot has no idea what i have
in store
BOTH
im sorry but no matter what you do
I wont forgive you you might as
well be dead to me
GEORGE BUSH
so I don't care
DICK CHENEY
I wont bend
BOTH
but in the end I guess
GEORGE BUSH
I still miss my friend
bush reaches his home and walks inside
SCENE 6
INT. Georges bedroom- night
George walks in his room and throws himself to his bed face
first.
after a few seconds he looks up and sees a note attached to
a broom in the corner of his room. he goes to investigate.
GEORGE BUSH
(reading note)
"clean your room you disgusting
maggot. love mom." shesh love you
too mom "p.s. I had to help
organize the church bake sale, so I
couldn't tail you today. if any one
was mean to you today leave there
name, addressee, and any
debilitating fears they might have
on the back of this note." ha, like
I would let my mom beat up a kid
just because...(thinks about it for
a few seconds and then rights Al's
name on the note) now he is good as
dead.
George starts sweeping the floor, but soon finds him self
twirling the broom like a bow staff in a matter that is
quite impressive.
GEORGE BUSH
see, why cant I ever do this when
someone is watching
suddenly, behind George, a bright warm light shines through
his window. and then the ghost of dolly parton climbs
through.
GEORGE BUSH
its almost like the minute someone
is watching me I do something
stupid.
DOLLY PARTON
(tapping on bushes shoulder)
excuse me
startled bush swings around smacking her in the face.
DOLLY PARTON
oh, son of a!
GEORGE BUSH
im so sorry I didn't mean to...
wait a minute your an intruder. I
mean I did mean to, and their is
plenty more coming. unless you get
out of my house.
DOLLY PARTON
im not an intruder you dingle
berry. im your guardian angel.
GEORGE BUSH
like im stupid enough to believe in
guardian angels(takes a good look
at her.) wait a minute, oh my god
your dolly parton.
DOLLY PARTON
(smug)
are you a fan
GEORGE BUSH
am I a fan (he runs to the
footloose poster and tears it down,
revealing a dolly parton poster.) I
keep a footloose poster up to avoid
suspicion.
DOLLY PARTON
glad your a fan. your an ashamed
fan but a fan none the less.
GEORGE BUSH
so are you really my guardian
angel.
DOLLY PARTON
you got that right, sugar.
GEORGE BUSH
your alot shorter than i thought
camera pans out to show that there is a major hight
difference
DOLLY PARTON
well the camer adds ten inches
GEORGE BUSH
wow, tom cruise must be a fetus,
but dolly, your not dead yet.
DOLLY PARTON
yeah well tecnacly i was never
alive.
GEORGE BUSH
what
DOLLY PARTON
truth is i was an angel
GEORGE BUSH
that explains your angelic voice
DOLLY PARTON
yeah well, old dolly got kicked out
of paradise after i got into some
trouble with the big guy upstairs
GEORGE BUSH
what happened
DOLLY PARTON
i had a dispute with a coworker.
GEORGE BUSH
what was the dispute?
DOLLY PARTON
they thought they should live, I
thought they should be thrown into
the firey pits of hell.
GEORGE BUSH
wow
DOLLY PARTON
yeah, and then the dispute grew to
include immediate family, and most
of her pets. but thankfully the guy
in charge (points up) is a fan of
my work so he told me if I did some
community service he would wipe the
slate clean. so just 300 more years
and im done. but enough of that
tell me whats on your mind.
the scene gets a little fuzzy and music starts to play as if
we are about to see a flash back
GEORGE BUSH
it's just that all my friends hate
me because im such a loser. it all
started when...(interrupted)
DOLLY PARTON
let me stop you there,(everything
goes back to normal) this story
sounds long and boring. but you see
I've been doing this for a while
now. and it seems no matter the
issue. if your having trouble in
your life, all you need to do is
shape up.
GEORGE BUSH
shape up?
DOLLY PARTON
you know, put your troubles behind
you and grow some balls. you cant
get what you want while your crying
like a little bitch.
GEORGE BUSH
well I guess but its not that
simple.
DOLLY PARTON
sure it is
SONG: "Shape Up Kid"
DOLLY PARTON
if you think that life is over
you've got a lot to learn
you cant quit the game
every time you get a burn
so shape up kid
you ant through yet
shape up kid
cause your as great as they get
if you just believe
cause you have no time to grieve
you'll find you are victorious in the end
so, shape up kid
you've got what it takes
shape up kid
your bound to raise the stakes
just stay strong
and you'll win before to long
GEORGE BUSH
I see now that I was a fool
if I want to win Ive got...(interrupted)
DOLLY PARTON
(dolly spoken)
hunny hunny hunny this is a solo not a duet
GEORGE BUSH
oh sorry
DOLLY PARTON
so shape up kid
you've got no time to waste
shape up kid
and win with great haste
just remember what I said
and you will be ahead
so shape up kid
so shape up kid
so shape up kid
dolly climbs out the window and waves good bye.
SONG: "act 1 medley"
the medley starts with a quick reprise of shape up kid. as
George walks forward during this slow reprise the curtain
should close behind him.
GEORGE BUSH
ll shape up ill rise up to the top
ill shape up theirs no way im
gonna stop Ill take her words with
pride ill win, Ive got dolly on my
side there is just no way I can
lose
GEORGE BUSH
(spoken)
she is right I have been a fool,
but no longer. today is a new day.
george pulls out his white board and starts working.
SCENE 7
int. school hallway
the hallway is set up with a podium and chairs. AL gore is
at the podium, while the rest of the student body occupies
the chairs. his lackeys are on both sides playing the
presidential march on kazoos
AL GORE
good evening my loyal subjects. i
am so glad to be here with you
today in this most prestigious of
hallways. now that i have been
elected president i assure you that
i will tackle the issues that
really matter like global
warming.(one guy in the back lets
out a half heart ed woo!) and of
course the extreme lack of red
bulls in the vending machines (the
crowd roars)but first global
warming (everyone sighs) as you can
see from this chart the polar ice
capes...(interrupted)
then gorge bush bursts through the door
GEORGE BUSH
stop right there you pretentious
douche bag
LAURA LANE WELCH
gorge you came back!
Laura rushes to gorge and holds his hands. it almost looks
like a sentimental moment.
GEORGE BUSH
yes Laura, you see last night i did
some soul searching and now i know
what truly matters.
LAURA LANE WELCH
you do?
GEORGE BUSH
yes, i cant believe it took me this
long to realize it but, the key to
my happiness was right in front of
me the whole time.
LAURA LANE WELCH
oh gorge
Laura leans in for a kiss, but gorge steps past her leaving
her standing alone.
GEORGE BUSH
YEAH! whats important is that i
become class president and get
sweet sweet revenge on woodsy owl
over here.
brief moment of silence
RONALD RUMSFELD
who is woodsy owl?
GEORGE BUSH
you know "give a hoot don't
pollute"
AL GORE
that is it, i have had just about
enough of this. first of all (to
Donald) how dare you not know who
woodsy owl is. the man is a god.
and secondly, i don't know if you
got the memo but i have already won
the title of PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES...OF HIGH SCHOOL.
GEORGE BUSH
wait, WHAT! but elections weren't
until Friday and its only Tuesday.
PRINCIPAL
im sorry, but with no other
candidates we decided to expedite
the process. if i could change
things i would.
GEORGE BUSH
but arnt you the principal?
LAURA LANE WELCH
yeah, don't you have the power to
change things.
PRINCIPAL
oh im sorry, when i said i wish i
had the power to change things what
i meant was. i hate every single
student at this school and ill be
damned if i make any of them happy.
the principle goes back to there office. gorge, Donald, and
Laura sulk together.
GEORGE BUSH
so it was all for nothing. in the
end i was too late.
LAURA LANE WELCH
well gorge there is always other
clubs
DONALD RUMSFELD
yeah every thing is going to be OK
GEORGE BUSH
(half heatedly)
shut up Donald
just then georges mom emerges from the crowd like a ninja.
BARBRA BUSH
georgy my boy, whats wrong.
GEORGE BUSH
MOM! when you get here?
BARBRA BUSH
(creepy)
hunny, im always here. watching.
waiting.
DONALD RUMSFELD
gorge is depressed because the
principle wont reverse his
decision.
BARBRA BUSH
oh baby, don't worry im sure
everything will work out you wait
and see.
barbra goes over to the principals office and closes the
door behind her.
BARBRA BUSH
YOU DONE MESSED UP NOW SUGAR!
in the silhouette of the window we can see barbra attacking
the principle in extreme and creative ways.
GEORGE BUSH
do you guys think that everything
will work out.
LAURA LANE WELCH
it will gorge don't worry about it.
im sure that somewhere there is a
beautiful guardian angel looking
out for us.
cut to the pricipals door
BARBRA BUSH
DON'T MAKE ME BREAK IT OFF!
dolly is at the pricipals door she knocks.
barbra comes out very nice
BARBRA BUSH
yes
dolly hands her a bag full of torure weapons
BARBRA BUSH
thanks hun
cut back
GEORGE BUSH
i can only hope right.
after a heart felt group hug barbra throws the principle out
the office. her cloths tattered and sporting a black eye.
BARBRA BUSH
AND DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU AGAIN!
the students stands up clouths riped. he tries to catch his
air
THE PRINCIPLE
STUDENTS, STUDENTS CAN I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION PLEASE! i have had a
sudden and unexplainable change of
heart. i have decided to have
elections on Friday as previously
intended. with your candidates
being AL gore, and gorge bush.
LAURA LANE WELCH
did you hear that gorge!
AL GORE
what is this?! i demand that you
reconsider. it is an upfront to
every...(interrupted)
THE PRINCIPLE
SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP! NOW IF
ANYONE HAS ANY QUESTIONS PROCEED TO
ASK SOMEONE THAT CARES!
the principle starts to walk towards the door but is stopped
by barbra, who is holding an ice chest.
BARBRA BUSH
(very sweetly)
oh hi there. your the principle
right. i just wanted to thank you
for letting my son run for class
president.(barbra hands him the ice
chest and starts whispering) if you
go to the E.R. now im sure they can
sow it back on.
the principle grabs the chest and runs out the door.
AL GORE
don't think this is over. you've
just signed your own death warrant,
because let me tell you when you
mess with the bull you get GORED.
global harming storms out
GEORGE BUSH
what ever, like i have any reason
to be afraid of him.
DONALD RUMSFELD
well their was that time he
humiliated you in front of the
whole school. with out even laying
a finger on you.
GEORGE BUSH
Donald, shut up!
DONALD RUMSFELD
OK
LAURA LANE WELCH
its OK gorge will think of a way to
best him.
GEORGE BUSH
great idea, will meet at my house
latter to discus strategy. Laura
bring snacks, Donald brig drinks
and dick...(looks for dick)were is
dick.
LAURA LANE WELCH
um gorge dick is still a little
upset with you. he said you two
need some space.
DONALD RUMSFELD
no he didn't he said he needs to
get his head out of his ...(Laura
gives him a dirty look.)...kitchen.
GEORGE BUSH
you calling me fat.
DONALD RUMSFELD
no that's all dick.
GEORGE BUSH
it doesn't matter any ways i don't
need that tool. i just wanted him
to buy some ice.
DONALD RUMSFELD
well i can buy some ice.
GEORGE BUSH
NO! ITS NOT THE SAME!
gorge runs out of the scene trying to conceal his tears.
SCENE 8
int. bedroom
the trio are sitting in gorges room. now there is a picture
of AL gore on gorges whiteboard.
GEORGE BUSH
welcome ladies, to the war room.
DONALD RUMSFELD
ha! he called you a lady
GEORGE BUSH
quite! now lets get down to
business, as you all know, this
(points to AL gore with long
pointer) is the enemy. he thinks he
is so cool. well i have news for
him he is cool he is very cool. but
he is no underdog. that's the
advantage we have.
DONALD RUMSFELD
but aren't underdogs popularly
expected to lose
GEORGE BUSH
no Donald, have you never seen a
movie before. underdogs always win.
so we only have Wednesday and
Thursday to get ready for the
debates. any ideas?
LAURA LANE WELCH
well we can practice going over
talking points.
GEORGE BUSH
no that wont do any good.
DONALD RUMSFELD
we can isolate demographic groups
that have the most chance getting
you elected.
GEORGE BUSH
its like your not even trying
Donald.
LAURA LANE WELCH
we can run the platform that you
would be a president of the people
for the people.
GEORGE BUSH
no!no!no!...no! you guys arnt
thinking political enough.
DONALD RUMSFELD
we can go over geography
GEORGE BUSH
and just when i thought you
couldent get any stupider. no! we
need a strategy that will destroy
our opponent. a plan so perfect
that after Friday GORE WILL BE NO
MORE!
spot light on gorge as dramatic 80's rock music starts to
play. slowly fog starts to roll in.
SONG "GORE NO MORE"
GEORGE BUSH
I got to be the best and to be the
best you got to train my victory
will only be assured by my pain I
only have two days but that's all I
need ill concur my enemies with
strength and speed and when the
dust settles and the contest is
decided there will be no way to
deny it so AL has no way of knowing
what I have in store but I promise
you this after today gore will be
no more
LAURA LANE WELCH
there goes my love training for his
victory day he is so great but I
have to say I don't know what
exercise has to politics but I wont
tell him because seeing him sweat
in spandex makes me want to grin
DONALD RUMSFELD
there goes gorge...(gets pushed out
of the way)
GEORGE BUSH
I got to be the best and to be the
best you got to train my victory
will only be assured by my pain I
only have three days but that's all
I need ill concur my enemies with
strength and speed and when the
dust settles and the contest is
decided there will be no way to
deny it
EVERYONE
so AL has no way of knowing what we
have in store but I promise you the
whole world will know gore will be
no more
cut back to reality as gorge is standing on his bed in his
final pose.
GEORGE BUSH
yeah so something like that
LAURA LANE WELCH
(bursting into applause)
bravo George you've practically
already won.
DONALD RUMSFELD
but that isn't really a plan. im
sticking with geography.
George rolls his eyes and jumps off the bed.
GEORGE BUSH
can i have a word with you Donald.
Donald walks over to George. gorge puts his arm over Donald.
GEORGE BUSH
you see Donald with dick gone im
relying on you to be my number two
and i don't think your giving me
the support i need.
DONALD RUMSFELD
but dick never supported you...
ever
GEORGE BUSH
see what im talking about, if you
want to be my new bff. your gonna
have to earn it.
DONALD RUMSFELD
(suddenly happy)
bff
GEORGE BUSH
you got it. first things first why
don't you clean my room for me.
DONALD RUMSFELD
but your room is clean
gorge notices his room is clean, then he turns his attention
to a lamp near him an a table. slowly he pushes it to the
edge. it falls and breaks.
GEORGE BUSH
there you go
DONALD RUMSFELD
(sarcastic)
thanks
George and Laura leave the room. alone and sad again Donald
starts picking up the lamp
SONG: "unappreciated"
DONALD RUMSFELD
I try so hard to get them to hear
me but they wont but they cant I
try all day and night I struggle
and I fight but no matter how I try
I'd sooner learn to fly than earn
there love I guess I'm
unappreciated all alone I feel so
hated they wouldn't notice if I
were to die I just wanna cry
barbra sees Donald from the hallway
DONALD RUMSFELD
I'm... I'm so alone. My heart is
stone is there anyone for me
barbra walks in the room and startles Donald.
BARBRA BUSH
(spoken)
sorry i dint mean to scare you. but
i must say you have a lovely voice.
DONALD RUMSFELD
(spoken)
thanks its nice to get a complement
every now and again.
BARBRA BUSH
you know Donald you have turned
into an exceptional young man, what
are you now, 18?
DONALD RUMSFELD
17
BARBRA BUSH
close enough, you know i wouldn't
mind being the one to appreciate
you.
DONALD RUMSFELD
what are you talking about
BARBRA BUSH
you see as of late i have been
feeling unappreciated too.
BARBRA BUSH
(sung)
I see the best in you and I feel
the same way too I have a son who
doesn't need me and a husband who
is never there so I know what its
like to need someone to care. So I
guess I'm unappreciated too but
maybe I can be unappreciated with
you. And together you'll see we
will heed each others needs I ll
show you love
DONALD RUMSFELD
maybe it isn't so wrong
BARBRA BUSH
you will be mine
DONALD RUMSFELD
to be with gorges mom
BARBRA BUSH
why don't we cross the line. i
promise it will be just fine
barbra leans in to kiss Donald but, he soon comes to his
senses and backs away
DONALD RUMSFELD
um sorry i have to go.
Donald runs and dives out gorges window living barbra alone.
SCENE 9
ext. ally
DICK CHANEY
lets see whats on the agenda today
dick pulls out a day planer. one every page is written
"whatever george is doing"
DICK CHENEY
who needs that royal a-hole
anyways. i have never needed anyone
i don't need any one now.
SONG: "I'm a PUNK"
ill write it later but just know its a punk song about how
he is a asshole. he breacks shit, tags walls, and beats
peaple up
dick Chaney steps back and admires his work. he soon gets
depressed and throws his spray can to the ground.
DICK CHENEY
whats the point. its like the
things that used to bring me joy
just don't matter any more. its
almost like something is missing.
then two little kids walk by licking some ice cream.
KID #1
everything is so much fun when you
have your best friend around.
KID #2
of course, and will never let a
bitch get between us.
KID #1
true DAT
the two kids fist bump and walk off stage.
DICK CHENEY
of course that's it!
dick runs off stage. soon we can hear the two kids screaming
in pain. dick comes back a few minutes later with ice cream.
he takes a few licks then drops it dissatisfied.
DICK CHENEY
whats the point
the two boys crawl back into frame in the background, they
are bloody and have comically broken legs.
KID #1
just leave me
KID #2
don't you quit on me you fagot
DICK CHANEY
i wish the universe would give me a
sign
KID #1
LEAVE ME
KID #2
noooooo! your my best friend ill
never abandon you
dick slowly gets more annoyed until he picks up a can and
through it at the kids it hits kid 1 in the head knocking
him out.
KID #2
Timmy, TIMMY, ANSWER ME TINY TIM...
YOU BASTARD YOU KILLED HIM YOU
KILLED MY BEST FRIEND.
DICK CHENEY
SHUT UP OVER THERE IM TRYING TO
HAVE AN ANTIPHON
KID #2
ILL KILL YOU YOU SON OF A WHORE
KID #1
BRO ITS OK IM ALIVE
KID #2
i thought you were dead
KID #1
no just a conclusion
KID #2
oh thank god
KID #1
yeah just some minor brain
swelling.
dick's concentration is broken and he stands in a rage
DICK CHENEY
i told you to shut up
dick starts punching kid 2 in the face
KID #1
leave him alone you brute
DICK CHENEY
you want some
dick throws kid 2 down and starts beating up kid 2
DICK CHENEY
you damn kids, i wish i had more
arms... if only George was
here..(realization sets in) that's
it... i have to go please continue
to die.
dick runs off. the kids are left in silence for a moment
then dolly parton walks up to the kids.
DOLLY PARTON
sorry about that i thought he would
get the message sooner.
KID #2
glad we could help.
KID #1
im tired.
DOLLY PARTON
well here is the money i promised.
KID #2
woo money look Timmy we are rich
KID #1
lets all take naps who wants a nap
a stray dog wonders into frame and starts eating kid 2's
shoe.
KID #2
look Timmy a puppy, he likes me
Timmy is asleep
KID #2
Timmy Timmy... he is sleepy
DOLLY PARTON
im gonna be going now
KID #2
who's a good boy, ill call you
shakira.
dick chaney runs back then grabs the money that dolly left.
KID #2
hay!
dick doesnt care he is running on a mission.
SONG: we will fight
DICK CHANEY
i can finally see, what was in
front of me. my friends were there,
but i wouldnt care. now i see that
its up to me to finnish the fight.
because i have wanted this fight
for so ver long. and i stand
assured i stand strong. im ready to
fight im ready to attacke. so wait
for me george im coming back
INT: georges room
george is doing the olimpic rings. he falls and looks up at
a picture of dick
SONG: i need my dick
GEORGE BUSH
I need my dick is that what you
want me to say
he knocks over the picture
GEORGE BUSH
well newsflash.I dont miss my dick
at all, he can suck my balls I dont
miss my dick near me, he can go and
blow me because you see its true I
dont need you even though it dont
seem that say
GEORGE BUSH
but i cant get him out of my mind
DICK CHENEY
I won't will be there soon just
wait for me
GEORGE BUSH
not in a gay way its just good
friends are hard to find
DICK CHENEY
that idiot is a jerk but he is my
bro
BOTH
in the end i guess
GEORGE BUSH
I still need my friend
EXT: outside georges window
laura is peering in and has seen georges pain. george gets
up and walks out of the room.
SONG: does it make me crazy
LAURA LANE WELCH
when I was young, my mom said to
stay true to who you are to never
give up, and if you are strong true
love wont be far but i feel just as
far away is i ever have i want to
help him with the pain that he has
but the truth is George wont let me
help so im stuck on the side line
DICK CHANEY
wait for me george
LAURA LANE WELCH
does it make me crazy that want to
see him smile
DICK CHANEY
i swear im not far away
LAURA LANE WELCH
and does it make me crazy that i
for him id run a mile
DICK CHANEY
this time i swear i wont stray
LAURA LANE WELCH
and does it make me crazy that i
want to hold him for a while. well
maybe just a little
EXT: sidewalk
goerge is walking down the street.
SONG: Gore no more
GEORGE BUSH
I got to shape up to get on the
vitory train dolly said, so no
point in focusing on my pain I
trained for two days so al better
head ill concur him with strength
and speed and when the dust settles
and the contest is decided there
will be no way to deny it so AL has
no way of knowing what I have in
store but I promise you this after
today gore will be no more
EXT: sidewalk
dick runs down the street
Song: im a punk
DICK CHANEY
dont worry dont worry because im
racing like a bat out of hell and
im about take them down as well
then stops to catch his breath. he looks up at a sighn.
DICK CHANEY
but im just a punk so i wont change
right away
he walks into the building
pan out and we see its a strip club
dolly is watching george go by from the from behind a
fountain
Song: shape up kid
DOLLY PARTON
i love that kid
he is the last chance ill get
i love that kid
cause i might get into heaven yet
if i just believe
cause i have no time to grieve
ill find im victorious in the end
barbra comes up from behind and pushes dolly's head down
trying to see her son.
she doesnt notice she is drowing dolly
SONG: unipreciated
BARBRA BUSH
I see the best in you i hope you
make it through I have a son who is
fighting now and his friend will be
there too so I will there watching
you so please take care.
cut to george
as george walks donald starts walking beside him on one side
and laura on the other.
ALL THREE
the dye is cast, and our turn has
come now its time for us to show
everyone the fire in our souls will
never go away we will rise up and
rule the day
they walk into the school. the camera pans over and we see
al gore looking at the trio from a window
INT: nice office
AL GORE
they should stop fooling them selfs
before they wreck them selfs they
better watch there back before I
attack cause im done playing nice
there gonna find out quick that we
are global harming and they can
suck our dick
INT: strip club
DICK CHANEY
so we'll find a way to make them
see.
INT: hallway
george laura and donald walk down the hall toeards the
auditorium.
EVERYONE
that it is all about no
matter what they say its going to
be OUR way and WE'RE going to own
this school
SCENE 10
INT: school auditorium
the school auditorium is highly decorated making it look
more like a mix between a boxing arena and a presidential
debate room.
cut to two cliche looking announcers sitting at a fancy
desk.
JOHN MADSMEN
good morning i am john madsmen, and
this is my partner Fox Newsson.
newson?
FOX NEWSON
food stamps are for pussies!
JOHN MADSMEN
thanks fox, its finally hear the
moment we have been waiting all
week for. today we are going to
guide you through the action as
these two hopefuls will duke it out
for the title of the president of
the united states... of high
school.
FOX NEWSON
i celebrate Christmas, the way god
intended. with a shotgun and a pile
of hookers.
JOHN MADSMEN
interesting analysis newson. AL
gore and his Eco friendly platform
will go up against the mildly
retarded underdog gorge bush. today
in the presidential debates. its a
pretty one sided fight don't you
think newson.
john looks at fox waiting a response
FOX NEWSON
don't stare at me queer
JOHN MADSMEN
oh fox, the debates are the last
chance to sway voters, because
right after the debates the polls
will open and we will have a
winner. im sure everyone is equally
excited tonight fox.
FOX NEWSON
equally excited! that sounds like
some communist bullshit to me john.
fox pulls out a revolver and pistol whips john. john spits
up some blood, but continues to smile and laugh.
JOHN MADSMEN
oh fox.
INT: backstage
gorge and Donald are freaking out.
GEORGE BUSH
i got this. i got this. AL might
win the debate, but i got the
athletic triathlon down.
LAURA LANE WELCH
but gorge there isn't an athletic
triathlon.
gorge runs over and grabs Donald by the throat.
GEORGE BUSH
why didn't you tell me sooner you
idiot. Ive been spending the past
two days training.
LAURA LANE WELCH
gorge your killing him.
gorge drops Donald who falls to the floor. he immediately
adapts a thinking pose.
GEORGE BUSH
there is still time ill come up
with a counterpoint to every one of
his platforms. i just need 10
minutes.
SPEAKER VOICE
the debates will start in 5
minutes.
GEORGE BUSH
SHIT!
Donald gets back up
DONALD RUMSFELD
we will think of a way George don't
worry.
GEORGE BUSH
easy for to say you don't have to
go out there.
DONALD RUMSFELD
i don't! oh thank god.
Laura hands a paper to George.
LAURA LANE WELCH
here use this.
GEORGE BUSH
thank you
George starts beating Donald with the paper.
LAURA LANE WELCH
no George, i made this last night.
its a cheat sheet for you.
George looks it over
GEORGE BUSH
this is perfect
LAURA LANE WELCH
oh it was no big deal. i just
researched every government since
7500 b.c. and compiled there
success and short comings to make a
short list of government dos and
don't s
GEORGE BUSH
wow!
George takes a couple seconds to admire the paper.
DONALD RUMSFELD
what if they ask you about
geography.
George starts hitting Donald with the paper again
GEORGE BUSH
YOU KNOW WHAT GET IN THE HALLWAY
GO! GO! GO!
INT: hallway
GEORGE BUSH
you know what you did
George bushes Donald in the hall and slams the door
Donald leans up against a door and pouts.
DONALD RUMSFELD
i didn't want to help anyway. worst
birthday ever...
the door opens and an ominous hand pulls Donald in.
INT: backstage
GEORGE BUSH
he acts like that because you let
him sit on the furniture
LAURA LANE WELCH
George your on
GEORGE BUSH
oh!
George runs on stage.
cut to the commentators. john is eating glass, while fox is
holding a broken bear bottle.
FOX NEWSON
eat all the glass john
JOHN MADSMEN
it hurts
FOX NEWSON
good.
they notice they are live
JOHN MADSMEN
welcome back we are about to start
the first round of debates. any
last comments fox.
john coughs up blood. fox puts his hand in the blood and
rubs it all over his face.
JOHN MADSMEN
very insightful john
INT: main stage
Al Gore walks out to his podium along the way he hams it up
for the audience.
JOHN MADSMEN
(V.O.)
there he is. the favorite to win it
all the incredibly charismatic Eco
friendly machine AL GORE!
George walks in next he is awkward and doesn't know were he
is going.
FOX NEWSON
(V.O.)
there's that fagot
long pause
JOHN MADSMEN
(V.O.)
common give me something fox.
sounds can be heard indicating a struggle
FOX NEWSON
what was that you basted.
JOHN MADSMEN
i dint mean it im s...AW!
FOX NEWSON
damn right your sorry you communist
bitch.
cut to a shot of the principle standing on the the stage in
front of the podium.
over his shoulder we can see john hanging by a noose he gets
pulled back up as he struggles.
PRINCIPAL
alright lets get this over with.
the principal takes a swig from a flask and reads from some
note cards.
THE PRINCIPLE
the first question is for AL gore.
On Monday, April 1, 1991, at
23:30,(takes a few seconds to read
the card)
gorge flips through his papers until he finds the page with
the info on the subject.
THE PRINCIPLE
(cont.)
i don't know some German dude was
shot. so what would you do
about...(sighs) you know what this
question is too long.
a long silence
AL GORE
excuse me?
THE PRINCIPLE
you heard me
George turns to Laura who is standing at the edge of the
curtain.
GEORGE BUSH
(whispering)
he is obviously asking about
Rohwedder( a German manager and
politician)who was shot and killed.
and the political implications of
his death. what an idiot
cut back to AL gore. who looks to be very nervous until that
cool guy look goes back into his eyes.
AL GORE
every one i would like to bring to
your attention what has just
transpired. this man had a job to
do but because of the constant
struggle he endures he has failed
to do something so simple. this is
a perfect metaphor for... global
warming
GEORGE BUSH
crap
AL GORE
the ungrateful swine that walk
these halls.
RANDOM VOICE IN BACK
THAT'S US!
AL GORE
are like a pollution that ware on
our once youth fool and beautiful
principle.
cut to the principal that has a tear in his eye
THE PRINCIPLE
i was beautiful
cut back
AL GORE
do you want this planet to end up
like this man
RANDOM VOICE IN BACK
HELL NO!
AL GORE
then vote for me and we can do our
part. and maybe one day the world
will fallow OUR example. AND ON
THAT DAY EVERYONE ONE OF YOU CAN
TAKE IN A MOUTH FULL OF CLEAN AIR.
AND REMEMBER WHEN YOU BECAME HEROES
OF THE PLANET.
crowd stands up and cheers.
cut to a kid about to through away a paper cup in the trash.
he stops and takes the few extra steps to through his cup in
the recycling. turns to AL gore and salutes him.
cut back to the stage. gore is eating it up while George is
obviously annoyed.
GEORGE BUSH
common can we get on with this...
hello
the crowd is still cheering.
GEORGE BUSH
his answer had nothing to do with
Rohwedder.
George crosses his arms and starts pouting.
AL sees this. he smiles at George and then puts his palm out
silencing the crowd
AL GORE
they are all yours
cut back to the principal who wipes his eyes.
THE PRINCIPLE
the messiah is right. we have to
ask the idiot questions too. are
you ready idiot?
GEORGE BUSH
i was born ready (to AL) watch this
you don't have a chance.
gorge is holding up his political book as he says this.
cut to the principal who takes a card from a nerdy kid.
THE PRINCIPLE
OK this better be short.(reads the
card) what is the capital of Spain.
George takes a few seconds
GEORGE BUSH
wait what!
SCENE 11
INT: supply closet.
close up on Donald face as he slowly wakes up. soon he opens
his eyes and is very shocked
the camera zooms out and we see that barbra bush is on his
lap mere inches away from his face with her own.
BARBRA BUSH
looking for a good time
DONALD RUMSFELD
...no
BARBRA BUSH
to bad
shot from just outside of the door
DONALD RUMSFELD
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
INT: stage
George has a look on his face that looks like a little kid
who didn't get his way
AL GORE
and that my good friends is how
solar panels work.
crowd cheers
cut to principal
THE PRINCIPLE
OK other guy. what is the capital
of Canada
GEORGE BUSH
WHO GIVES A FUCK!
fuck is censored by microphone feedback
THE PRINCIPLE
answear the question
George shrugs his shoulders.
GEORGE BUSH
quebec
THE PRINCIPLE
sorry its Ottawa
george tries to turn it around
GEORGE BUSH
OK but if we the school had better
funding for school programs for
geo...
THE PRINCIPLE
shut up.
THE PRINCIPLE
golden child. foreign policy is
very important. who would you
handle the other schools in our
district.
AL GORE
global warming
the crowd cheers. the principal throws the note cards up in
the air and begins to clap. after he is done the principal
waves the nerdy kid over and points to the ground.
the nerdy kid picks up the card and hands it to the
principal. he takes a few steps to leave and then is pulled
back
THE PRINCIPLE
its blank
the nerdy kid flips the card over.
THE PRINCIPLE
get out of here. OK final question
goes to... him (points)
GEORGE BUSH
does it matter?
THE PRINCIPLE
no. what is the capital of Finland.
GEORGE BUSH
Helsinki
THE PRINCIPLE
very good... not that it matters
GEORGE BUSH
kill yourself
INT: comentator room
cut to the commentators, john is very beaten up and has a
tube in his throat.
fox looks like Rambo and is sharping a knife.
john puts up a a poster board that reads. "wow that was
amazing, any comment john.
john looks up from his knife then at the poster. he looks
down at johns hand that is still on the table. he stabs it
with the knife.
john flips the poster over it reads "ow"
INT: backstage
George bursts behind the curtain very upset.
GEORGE BUSH
WERE IS DONALD!
DONALD RUMSFELD
right here
Donald walks into frame and starts buttoning his shirt up.
GEORGE BUSH
you jinxed us with that stupid
geography talk
DONALD RUMSFELD
im sorry.
GEORGE BUSH
your sorry i have been getting
raped for the last thirty minutes
do you know what that is like.
DONALD RUMSFELD
well...yes
gorge head butts him to the ground.
GEORGE BUSH
don't get smart with me! stupid
geography.
NERDY KID
hay i resent that
gorge turns to see the nerdy kid.
also from this new prospective we can see Donald getting
dragged out of the room by barbra for more sexing
GEORGE BUSH
what
NERDY KID
i worked very hard on those
GEORGE BUSH
why would you have have geography
questions in a political debate?
NERDY KID
to raise interest in the geography
club! i made sure that the
geography question were every other
question. that way they would be
distributed properly... oh wait
George bush punches him
GEORGE BUSH
IM SURROUNDED BY IDIOTS!
he takes a deep breath
GEORGE BUSH
its OK gorge calm down stop
assaulting people indiscriminately.
Laura comes from behind George's back and gives him a back
rub
LAURA LANE WELCH
that's the spirit we still got this
for a moment George looks reinvigorated. but then it fades.
GEORGE BUSH
who are we kidding, we never had a
chance. im starting to think that
being an underdog isn't an
advantage at all. lets just quit.
DICK CHENEY
you cant. not now
George twirls around to see dick standing before him. the
camera slows down it looks as if he is a god.
GEORGE BUSH
you came
DICK CHENEY
ill always come for you
NERDY KID
(from the floor)
gay!
both dick and George stomp the nerdy kid.
GEORGE BUSH
just like old times.
beat box handshake
DICK CHENEY
listen George im sorry. we never
should have let a girl get between
us. especially since she hasn't had
any screen time since act one.
GEORGE BUSH
your right... you should be sorry.
Laura gives George a nudge
GEORGE BUSH
and im sorry too, i guess im kinda
a control freak maybe its why i
have such a jerk as my best friend.
but you remind me its OK to lose
control every know and then. that's
probably why you gravitated to me
to. to get some control in your
life.
DICK CHENEY
no its because your mom has a nice
rack.
GEORGE BUSH
oh
DICK CHENEY
don't worry i would never try
anything. only a real man could
handle that
over Georges shoulder we can see Donald trying to run away
he is dragged back in by a rope tired to his ankle.
GEORGE BUSH
right, if its any consolation you
are a real man
DICK CHENEY
thank you
gorge puts his hand on dicks shoulder and starts squeezing
GEORGE BUSH
so strong. like zues the god of
thunder. or pothos god of sexual
longing and yearning
dick puts his hand on gorges shoulder.
DICK CHENEY
and desire
NERDY KID
GAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YY!
the two start stomping him again and this time they don't
stop
INT: supply closet
Donald and barbra are under a blanket Donald looks
accomplished. barbra looks ravished she takes out five
cigarettes and smokes them all. Donald talks in a deep manly
voice
DONALD RUMSFELD
that was great. i enjoyed it a lot
more the second time. i wonder why?
BARBRA BUSH
first of all just because you had
sex doesn't mean your a man.
Donald goes back to talking normal
DONALD RUMSFELD
sorry, noted
BARBRA BUSH
and secondly you probably enjoyed
it more because you got to do the
penetrating.
DONALD RUMSFELD
yeah i don't like it when you do
it.
Donald looks around nervously. then cheesy music starts
playing and the camera slowly zooms in on him
DONALD RUMSFELD
listen barbra i wanted to say that
i think this is the closest i have
ever been to any one. literally
even (he laughs at his own
joke)what im trying to get at is. i
think i might... i mean i think i
might be in... you know...LO...
barbra puts her finger in Donald's mouth. record scratch
BARBRA BUSH
let me stop you there. i got you
out of my system. now i want you
out of my life. i don't want to see
you i don't want you to call me. if
we see each other it better be
because George is on fire. got it,
OK see you around sweety.
barbra gets up and walks out taking the blanket with her
DONALD RUMSFELD
pen pals then!
INT: backstage
the duo are still stomping the nerd.
they hear the intercom and finally stop kicking
SPEAKER VOICE
cross fire debate will start in one
minute. presidential candidates and
there running mates to the stage
GEORGE BUSH
what do you say partner
DICK CHENEY
i would love to but what about the
others
GEORGE BUSH
don't worry your not replacing
anyone. laur's a girl and Donald's
a pussy so i was just going to run
with a week old avocado as my vp.
DICK CHENEY
good choice, well then lets go
INT: stage
everything looks the same except there are tables instead of
podiums.
cut to the commentators.
INT: Comintern room
a nurse comes over to john and removes his feeding tube, fox
is holding a human heart over a bowl and his shaking his
head relentlessly
JOHN MADSMEN
good news every one my spinal
paralysis was only temporary. but
will George bush have the same luck
and be able to get his campaign
moving.
while john was talking fox cut a bit of johns hair and threw
it in the bowl.
john looks as if he is getting dizzy and then touches his
nose. he looks at it and then shows it to the camera. his
fingers are bloody
JOHN MADSMEN
my beautiful wife if you are
watching. i love you. to my
beautiful girlfriend. im sorry i
have a wife. back to my wife im
sorry and she meant nothing. we
didn't even have sex i just needed
someone to do my taxes and she was
Jewish. i say these things because
i feel my time is short.
FOX NEWSON
marriage is between a man and a
woman
JOHN MADSMEN
WHAT EVER YOU SAY FOX NEWSON! what
ever you say
john starts crying
INT: stage
cut to principal
THE PRINCIPLE
OK the rules are simple. this
computer will generate 1 million
political topics. from the 1
million topics, one will be
selected and you will debate that
topic. are you ready.
both teams nod
then the Principal presses a button on the laptop and it
starts running through binary code
GEORGE BUSH
don't worry dick, Laura made us
this magic book of every political
topic ever. there is nothing we
can't debate.
the computer starts winding down it slowly goes through a
couple topics like economics, taxes, war, prostitutes,
church and state, and finally it stops on "Global Warming"
DICK CHANEY
are kidding me
GEORGE BUSH
what are the odds
DICK CHENEY
1 in a million
GEORGE BUSH
shut up!
George starts going through the book like a mad man.
DICK CHENEY
your like a shit magnet
GEORGE BUSH
its not in here
DICK CHENEY
well global warming is a pretty
recent subject.
GEORGE BUSH
what are we going to do
THE PRINCIPLE
since you lost the first round you
get to chose between positive or
negative position.
DICK CHENEY
well its pretty obvious
GEORGE BUSH
yeah, we will choice positive.
the crowd boos and throws eggs at them.
DICK CHENEY
you idiot
GEORGE BUSH
what i do
DICK CHENEY
you just told every one you like
global warming.
GEORGE BUSH
what? i thought he was asking about
my outlook. POSITIVE im a glass
half full kinda person (to
audience) AND WAY TO BE HYPOCRITES
THROWING TRASH AROUND!
RANDOM VOICE IN BACK
ITS COMPOSTABLE MATERIAL
George gets hit in the forehead with an egg he wipes it off.
GEORGE BUSH
yeah were boned. you wanna go see a
movie? if we leave now we can catch
that lesbian robot movie.
dick slaps him
DICK CHENEY
what happened to glass half full.
GEORGE BUSH
the glass broke and was used to
castrate me its no biggy, so lets
go watch some lesbian robots.
DICK CHENEY
no we are not quieting now, and
their isn't a lesbian robot movie
anyway.
GEORGE BUSH
well there should be
DICK CHENEY
just shut up for a second.
dick thinks for a second
DICK CHENEY
i got it remember when gore got a
question he had no idea how to
answer.
GEORGE BUSH
yeah, wait how did you know about
that.
DICK CHENEY
i have been here since the
beginning
GEORGE BUSH
what took you so long to talk to
me?
DICK CHENEY
i was looking for a dramatic
entrance, plus i was watching
Donald bone your mom.
GEORGE BUSH
WHAT!
DICK CHENEY
George focus, what im getting at is
that instead of answering the
question and looking like an idiot
he ignored it and found a way to
talk about something he knew about.
GEORGE BUSH
PERFECT! but we are idiots we don't
know nothing about anything.
DICK CHENEY
well we have to think of something
GEORGE BUSH
yeah lets do it buddy
they do there be box handshake
the turn away from each other but then immediately turn back
to each other. they look in each other eyes. they know what
to do.
SCENE 12
THE PRINCIPLE
OK cross fire starts NOW
AL GORE
the thing that we need to remember
about global warming is a very
large threat that will devour us
all. and (cut off)
GEORGE BUSH
a large threat that will devour us
all, are we talking about global
warming or are we talking about...
your mom!
AL GORE
what that was rude? i was talking
stop being so intrusive
GEORGE BUSH
you know who likes it when im
intrusive...YOUR MOM
DICK CHENEY
she likes it as much as she likes
Saturn
GEORGE BUSH
why does she like Saturn
DICK CHENEY
because she is so fat that is the
only place that has rings that can
fit her.
GEORGE BUSH
oh...snap astronomy
AL GORE
what are you two up to
GEORGE BUSH
you know exactly what we are up to
JOE LIEBERMAN
that's funny because when i come
over to your mom's we were up till
two
al puts a hand on joes shoulders and gives him a stern look
the crowd gasps and then everything goes silent.
soon dick starts making a slow clicking noise. it fills the
room
JOHN MADSMEN
(V.O.)
and with that it has become
official. this cross fire has
dramatically changed as we no
longer have a political fight on
our hands. what we now have is a...
is a... IS A...
GEORGE BUSH AND AL GORE
YO MOMMA FIGHT!
dick Chaney's clicking explodes into a beat box symphony
SONG: cross fire
GEORGE BUSH
Oh shit, things just got real like
your mom can suck a man like he was
made of veal so im telling you now
u just made a mistake just like
your dumn mom when she made toast
at the lake
dick Chaney makes electrocuted sounds.
GEORGE BUSH
Yo Mama's so stupid she sold her
car for gas money. Yes sonny. So
fat she styles her hair with honey
Your momma so fat she jumped
outside and got stuck. So fat she
stretched her arms out and killed a
duck. Mouth so big she could
swallow a plain so fat she jumped
in the ocean and made it rain if
you think you'll win, learn the
truth cause if your a president
then call me john wilks booth
crowd ows at the diss
AL gore just stands there then he cracks a smile. he turns
to his VP and gives him a nod. he smiles back and flips his
backpack from his back to his front. he unzips it and
reveals a turntable
AL GORE
you made yet another mistake
JOE LIEBERMAN
there is more than one reason they
call me little beat!
Joe unloads mixing beet boxing and turntable action.
AL GORE
oh fool you thought you had the
upper hand but now see your hand is
lower just like your mom around my
waist band now you'll know that its
about to get hot in here and it not
just green house gasses in the
atmosphere because when I spit fire
you will personally see my rhymes
are hotter than even global warming
Joe drops the bass
AL GORE
our momma so ugly she looked out
side and got arrested for indecent
exposure a blind man looked at her
face and could't keep his composer
your momma so fat she is on both
sides of the family tree so much
cholesterol her sweat is buttery
Your mommas so fat she shops for
her belts on Saturn so dumb she saw
a sign that said exit left and made
a u-turn your mommas so fat she
tripped and went into orbit so fat
she was the inspiration for norbit
GEORGE BUSH
your mommas so fat she sneezed in
new york and it was felt in japan
so fat that she uses a hot tub as a
boiling pan
AL GORE
your mommas so fat she uses a
boomerang to put on her belt so fat
to swim she puts on an elephant
pelt
GEORGE BUSH
"yo mom is so dumb" she violated a
cow trying to find the milky way
she is so ugly that not even freto
would give her a lay
AL GORE
your mom is like a shot gun five
cocks and she is loaded so dumb she
thought a retainer was a person who
was bloated, but there is one fact
that is still true your momma was
so dumb she had you
George turns his head like he was punched in the jaw.
the crowd gasps then everything goes silent
George slowly turns his head back
AL GORE
go home little boy
GEORGE BUSH
dont get cocky you just made it
personal
DICK CHANEY
damn shame what you gonna do with
him
the boys pull out sun glasses and put them on
GEORGE BUSH
set phazors to kill.
dick starts a low bass line with his mouth
GEORGE BUSH
he made it personal so now i must
warn all...
DICK CHANEY
the personal.
GEORGE BUSH
that we are about to inter into
a...
DICK CHANEY
layer of hell.
GEORGE BUSH
this fight will end before you...
DICK CHANEY
hear the bell.
GEORGE BUSH
id let you live but your...
DICK CHANEY
getting stale.
DICK CHANEY AND GEORGE BUSH
so let me hear you yell!
Laura throws a bass and a guitar at the duo the catch them
and start rocking out.
GEORGE BUSH
when we set phazors to kill. you
listen up. you little nerd. i do
not know if you have heard. that
midgets and men cant save you now
the clock is slowly counting down.
you know its true your about to
see. that you should be afraid of
me.
DICK CHANEY
oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhh you have messed up now because
you awoke the beast and now the
beast is angry.
GEORGE BUSH
you don't have a chance you don't
have chance.
DICK CHANEY
oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhh you will finally see that you
should never mess with me.
AL looks pissed he snaps his throws a giant
speaker at the stage it lands right between AL and Joe. AL
grabs a microphone in slow motion. Joe and AL jack in.
AL GORE
don't be absurd you don't have a
chance. you rhythms are weaker then
your political stance.
epic bass drop
dick and George slide back from the force of the stack.
they turn there instruments up to 10 and then they continue
to force the nobs until they break and slide ALL THE WAY TO
11
GEORGE BUSH
you think this fair me against you
you never had a chance in hell did
you.
George kicks his debate table making it slide at AL
AL, not giving up an inch, jumps and lands on the table
instead of backing up.
AL GORE
i know all about hell, when i look
at you its plain to see. only the
devil could make something so ugly
Joe turns a nob causing the amp to feed back and sending
their table flying at George
George jumps up but the table is upside down, so he lands on
the legs
Georges eyes narrow and he flips the table with his feet
like a skateboard.
now the two tables are in a line with only a foot of space
between.
both men start walking towards each other and meet at the
center.
GEORGE BUSH AND AL GORE
you don't have a chance you don't
have chance.
you don't have a chance you don't
have chance.
dicks guitar and joe's turn table have a battle just beside
them.
dick wins sending Joe flying by swinging his guitar over his
shoulder. and hitting joe's jaw
Joe lands on Al's table and AL kneels down to help him up
dick jumps on the table and the duo start advancing.
AL gore falls back and the duo advances
cut to Laura watching from the curtain. Donald bursts in and
he is buttoning up his shirt, again.
DONALD RUMSFELD
what i miss?
LAURA LANE WELCH
they have them on the ropes
DONALD RUMSFELD
wait what is she doing
cut to Helga who is pulling out a brief case. she opens it
cracks an evil smile
inside the case is a solid gold microphone. she closes her
eyes and concentrates. we hear disembodiment voice of her
grandfather.
GRANDFATHER
Helga i have trained you well, but
promise me that you will only use
your gift to help those who truly
need it... that or to win a trivial
high school election that no on
gives a shit about
HELGA
(V.O.)
i will grandpa
GRANDFATHER
OMG SHUT UP! YOUR SO STUPID
Helga opens her eyes and grabs the mic she runs to the stage
cut back to Laura and Donald
DONALD RUMSFELD
i don't like the look of that.
Donald runs off
LAURA LANE WELCH
Donald!
cut back to the guys who have AL and Joe on the very edge of
the table.
al and joe try and stand up, but that only makes them lose
their balance and they fall back in slow motion.
Helga catches them both with one hand, and then she takes in
a deep breath.
dick and George raise eyebrows
Donald walks by the principal and snatches the mic from his
hand
Helga lets out a wale that causes the duo to go flying
from top down we see dick and George fly through the air
side by side. they are defeated.
but then Donald slides on his knees underneath them.
the duo lands at the other end of the table but Donald picks
up the fight. getting in a sing off with Helga in the center
of the tables
Helga lets out a high note
but then Donald lets out an incredibly loud and incredibly
high whale.
its beautiful. it causes lights to burst and speakers to
explode. all in slow motion. if you look close you can see a
dove fly
gorge and dick look on in amazement. both start nodding
their head in approval
GEORGE BUSH
that's my boy!
Helga starts to be pushed back by the his voice
focus on him as his whale dies down.
at the edge of the table Helga, AL, and Joe all sway for a
minute and then dick Donald and George walk up to them and
blow them down.
the crowd erupts
INT: commentator room
JOHN MADSMEN
i am speechless people i have no
idea what any of that had to do
with politics, but gosh darnt it,
if i told you i wasn't hard as a
rock right now id be lying... but
what is this?
cut to a shot of the audience witch has only 2 people in it.
JOHN MADSMEN
it appears that a large majority of
the audience has left, what could
have happened to them.
cut to john who puts his hand on his ear.
JOHN MADSMEN
wait a minute i am getting some
information... i see. i just got
word from a representative from the
audience. he said that they left
because of quote "all the singing,
what is this a musical, because
musicals are super dupper gay" end
quote.
FOX NEWSON
i agree, singing fagots
JOHN MADSMEN
what a shocking turn of events i
wonder how it will all play out.
INT: stage
al and his gang climb to their feet. the principle comes out
and notices the kids are missing, except the nerdy kid and a
pot head
THE PRINCIPLE
what we only have two kids here.
what ever lets get this over with.
who do you vote for
he points at the nerdy kid who is in a wheel chair.
NERDY KID
well i think AL gore has some
practical ideas that are very well
planned out. George bush on the
other hand broke every bone in my
body
George and dick high five
NERDY KID
so i think i will side with AL
gore.
THE PRINCIPLE
thanks, i didn't need your life
story, but thanks. you, bob marly
your next
he points at the pot head who is wearing a bob marly shirt
and has dreads
the stoner looks around for a few minutes before he realizes
he is bob marly
BOB MARLY
oh im not bob marly but i love his
work... how did you know.
THE PRINCIPLE
im physic. just answer the question
BOB MARLY
wow, that's trippy dude. but if you
know what im thinking ill just beam
it to you.
bob closes his eyes and starts making laser noises.
THE PRINCIPLE
AL or George!
BOB MARLY
wow man don't trip. my votes with
George. your bass solo had balls.
THE PRINCIPLE
riveting. anyone else
the principal looks around
THE PRINCIPLE
well then i guess this ends in a
tie. you both can be president
AL GORE
i protest good Sr
GEORGE BUSH
what he said!
THE PRINCIPLE
fine then ill just pick someone
AL GORE
that isn't fair
GEORGE BUSH
I'm game
THE PRINCIPLE
(points at AL)
him
GEORGE BUSH
wait this isn't fair! there has to
be some one here. HELLO! HELLO!
then a voice drifts in from the back
VOICE
im here
everyone turns
from the back a girl appears she steps forward shyly
THE PRINCIPLE
girl whats your name
FLORIDA
Florida
THE PRINCIPLE
then it is decided Florida will
decide it all.
AL makes a smug look at George then slicks his hair back and
steps toward the girl.
SONG: pick me
light piano music plays
AL GORE
in my life i have never wanted any
thing more. here you are in front
of me able to grant me what i long
for.
he embraces her and begins to dance with her
AL GORE
can you hear my heart
beauty inspires. pick me and you'll
feel my hearts fire. so now i need
you and that i am true. so pick me
and you'll see. how wonderful i can
beeeeeeeee
FLORIDA
(in a daze)
i pick... i pick
GEORGE BUSH
WAIT!
George bush steps forward.
GEORGE BUSH
i may not be the coolest or the
strongest or slyist. my looks leave
something to be desired. i can
hardly inspire, but there is one
thing that is still true. if you
pick me ill give youuuuuuuuuu... 20
bucks
FLORIDA
deal
AL GORE
wait what. that's not legal tell
him that's not legal.
THE PRINCIPLE
its true that is clearly bribery
camera pans out a bit and we see that barbra bush is behind
the principle.
THE PRINCIPLE
and im OK with that. George bush
congratulations
George gives a nod then he turn to the rest of the group
GEORGE BUSH
guys we did it
Georges group erupts in celebration.
AL GORE
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. THIS IS A
BLATANT INSULT ON EVERYTHING THAT
THIS GRATE NATION I DEMAND A REDO
while AL rages in the background George address his group.
GEORGE BUSH
it was long and hard. but in the
end we came...
DICK CHANEY
phrasing
GEORGE BUSH
we accomplished our mission
DONALD RUMSFELD
wow, im so happy for you two
dick and George give each other a look.
GEORGE BUSH
you know Donald we couldn't have
done it with out you. you really
came...
DICK CHANEY
phrasing
GEORGE BUSH
you helped out a lot
DONALD RUMSFELD
you mean it
GEORGE BUSH
yep, congratulations Donald. i am
officially not ashamed of you
anymore.
Donald gets super happy.
DONALD RUMSFELD
you mean it!
GEORGE BUSH
of course, im proud of you and
nothing you can do will ever change
that.
DICK CHANEY
he slept with your mom
George cocks his arm back Donald braces for the impact. but
George stops.
GEORGE BUSH
you know what i still cant hit you
DICK CHANEY
i can
dick punches Donald. he grabs his left eye
GEORGE BUSH
yeah i can too
George hits him too. Donald falls to the floor and
immediately gets back up holding his eyes.
DONALD RUMSFELD
well at least that was the first
time i deserved to be hit. i guess
we go back to the way things were
GEORGE BUSH
that's the spirit.
AL burst into there little group and holds George by the
collar.
AL GORE
listen up you maggot, this is not
over i will be back. you will pay.
AL lets go of him and starts pointing at everyone.
AL GORE
you will all pay, for letting this
idiot ruin everything. i hope
global warming kills you all I WANT
A REDO
George grabs a bow staff almost magically from out of frame.
he twirls it about a bit and he hits AL right in the nuts..
AL GORE
why!
GEORGE BUSH
because unlike you i do add insult
to injury.
his group laughs.
AL GORE
that's not even that funny
GEORGE BUSH
shut up! we won and you suck... i
like the sound of that
SONG: we won and you suck
another song ill right later.
this song is basically "we are the champions" if your
wondering.
at the end of the song Laura grabs Georges hat pulls him in
and kisses him. she uses the hat to cover their faces. after
the shock has worn off George kisses her back. he grabs the
hat and throws it. then he swings her into the classic
romantic kissing pose.
SONG: George bush the musical (we won and you suck reprise)
gorge bush the musical plays as the whole cast sings it
dramatically. the credits roll as this song is performed.
the credits only stop every now and then for dialogue
breaks.
dialogue break #1
a flip flop flies and hits Donald in the back of the head.
he turns and is shocked
DONALD RUMSFELD
Margret!
we cut to Donald's trusty googly eyed pillow. the pillow has
a rolling pin, rollers, and a pink robe. it looks pissed.
DONALD RUMSFELD
i swear she meant nothing to me!
the rolling pin flies and hits him in the face.
as Donald hunches over in pain, freeze frame on his face.
were an actor credit pops up
back to singing and dancing
then dialogue break #2
dolly parton is behind the group of dancers. she nods at her
handy work then turns to make an exit
VOICE OF GOD
dolly my child
dolly stops and looks up
DOLLY PARTON
god is that you
VOICE OF GOD
yes my child it is me, and i am
proud.
wings manifest on dolly's back and and she starts ascending
towards heaven
VOICE OF GOD
you have been absolved of your past
sins, so return to my side and feel
my love
DOLLY PARTON
do you mean it god, can it be true
VOICE OF GOD
NO!
dolly hits the stage lights and starts sizzling
VOICE OF GOD
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!
freeze on dolly for here credit
more song and dance
dialogue break # 3
cut to the principal and barbra bush just watching the dance
THE PRINCIPLE
this is stupid i hate these kids so
much.
BARBRA BUSH
wanna go have anonymous sex.
he shrugs his shoulders. like there are worse things to do
freeze frame credit you know the drill
song
break #4
Helga and Joe are patting AL on the back as he still holds
his testicles.
AL GORE
this movie sucks. its full of plot
holes, like what happened to
condolizza rice. seriously i hope
any one who likes this move. gets
eaten by evil turtles.
freeze frame credits
more song
Break #5
INT: commutators box
JOHN MADSMEN
what a astounding turn of events.
and even though i had to go through
hell to witness it i am glad i had
the chance to see it first hand.
now if you excuse me im getting out
of here before i get raped... again
freeze frame credits john and fox
song
break #6
bob marly the nerdy kid and Florida are all still sitting in
the audience. bob marly is laughing hysterically
BOB MARLY
this is great man
NERDY KID
is this almost over im losing
interest.
FLORIDA
just a little bit more. they are
almost done.
freeze frame credit
the song wraps up and the four friends turn to each other.
LAURA LANE WELCH
im glad everything turned out the
way it did
she hugs George tight
GEORGE BUSH
we have a long road ahead of us.
DONALD RUMSFELD
this was so fun i don't want it to
end
DICK CHANEY
i wounder what the elections will
be like next year.
GEORGE BUSH
i don't know
from out of thin air CONDOLEEZZA rice appears
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
hay George i heard your president
now. that's hot
George brings Laura in tight
GEORGE BUSH
sorry but i realized who is truly
important
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
GAY! how about you dick
DICK CHANEY
keep walking slut
she shrugs it off
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
Casper how about you
DONALD RUMSFELD
sorry but im already in a rather
strange love triangle.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
racist
DONALD RUMSFELD
what?
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
what ever i have a new boy friend
any way
then i tall dark figure burst through the group. ITS BARRACK
OBAMA
BARRACK OBAMA
whats happening everyone. i just
transferred from Chicago.
freeze farm on the groups confused faces and give out those
Delicious credits.
fade to black
cut the kids who were beat up by dick before. the are still
there even though it vary late.
KID #2
hello, has any one seen my dog
shikira. he is brown, beautiful and
has my foot. hello also my buddy is
starting to smell like baloney...
hello
give them credits but don't freeze frame
fade to black
its over go home
