His eyes. That's the first thing I noticed. If I just stared at his eyes, it was like he was actually the Doctor and I hadn't just lost him. They squinted just like his did. I watched him so many times scrunching up his eyes as he looked at something, eventually pulling out his glasses. They would unscrunch then, like the glasses had actually helped. But they didn't. They were just for show. I watched him squint as he stared into bright lights and bright suns. This Doctor squinted now, trying to block out blowing sand and sun being reflected off water. They glowed like his did. His eyes used to light up the entire room. He would get excited about something, jumping around or bouncing on the soles of his feet, and those eyes would shine so bright that my own would have to narrow, just so I could see the beauty of him. These were the same color as his, warm milky chocolate brown. I had stared at those eyes a thousand times in a thousand ways. Before, they had always set me at ease. No matter what kind of danger we were in, all I had to do was look into his eyes and I was suddenly brave again. It was like he transferred some of his own valor into me through those eyes. Like whatever connected our eyes when he transferred the time vortex out of me was still there. They were different eyes then, but it was still the same hardware. I guess they were different eyes now, too. But how could I be sure it was the same hardware?
His hand. That's the second thing I noticed. If I just stared at his eyes and focused on the feel of his hand in mine, it was like he was actually the Doctor and I hadn't just lost him. They were coarse like his were. I had watched those hands save lives, heal the unhealable, and comfort the sad. His hands were so expert, they moved in just the right way at just the right time. He could convince a whole room to do what he said just by moving his hands around in the right way. He could move the TARDIS from one end of time to the other with one hand only, pushing all of those buttons and leavers like his life depended on it. And I guess it had a lot of the time. But, the thing that his hands were the best at was holding mine. It was the first sort of communication that passed between the two of us. He grabbed my hand it was like a promise that I wasn't alone anymore. It was a beautiful promise, one that lasted for years and lasted even after I lost him. Because I knew that no matter what, he was out there somewhere and it was quite possible that he was thinking of me. They were different hands then, but it was still the same hardware. I guess they were different hands now, too. And yet, I still couldn't believe it was the same hardware.
The wind. That's the third thing I noticed. If I just stared at his eyes and focused on the feel of his hand in mine and felt the wind on my skin…but no. The wind is what reminded me that he was gone. My doctor was gone and he wasn't coming back this time and I couldn't go to him. I was supposed to be inside the TARDIS with him, not feeling the wind that it left when it took off, never to return. I didn't like being on the receiving end of that aftermath, where I was left with a different set of eyes, and a different set of hands, and a hope that it was still the same hardware.
He left me standing there. Just like the last time. Except now, I wasn't alone. Because he was looking at me. And he was scared too, just like me. The wind whipped his hair around, his eyes squinted because of the glare from the Sun, and fear spread all across his face. I could still feel his hand gripping mine, as if it was the only thing that was still holding us up and could feel the intensity of his glare increasing as he was trying to gauge what I was feeling. We stood there together, trying to keep from falling over. Everything was all still a long blur and I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't feel. I just stood there, completely numb. Unable to even tell how he was feeling or what he was thinking. We had fought all sorts of monsters and aliens, but to be honest I had never been more scared. Loving him was the scariest thing to have ever happened to me because I knew what it felt like to lose him. It was so incredibly hard to keep going day to day. But his image in my mind kept me going, the thought that I would see him again someday pushed me further than I thought I could ever go. And now here it was. Except I never imagined it would be forever. I had wished that it could be, but I thought it impossible. I should have known better. I had my fair share of impossible things happen to me. I looked him up and down, taking him in. It was still his hair, his eyes, his ears, his face, his mouth. His hand was familiar. Touching him was familiar. And I was so confused about what just happened. Was it still him? Was it still my Doctor?
"You know, Rose Tyler," he started as we still stared at each other. "I'm him. I mean I'm me. It's not any different. I still remember everything. I remember that very first day when I grabbed your hand." He squeezed it.
"The first time you saved me," I said.
"Well…the first time you saved me." He paused, letting me take that in. Because I never thought about it like that. But I remembered that moment so vividly in my head. I would never forget the exact point in time where my life took a complete turn. And maybe that's what it was like for him, too. "I remember all of the battles. All of the good times we had. How awful I felt when we were away from each other. How wonderful it felt to be with you again. It's still me."
I knew that he was right. That it was him that I did all of that stuff with. He was exactly the same except for the one thing that made it easier to be with him, and I felt that single pulse coming through where our fingers were intertwined. His hand felt so familiar still. He had grabbed my hand hundreds of times exactly like this. But I couldn't help but wonder about the other Doctor. The one with two hearts beating still. The one who would never be able to share the memories that I'll have with my Doctor. "What about him?"
"Rose, I still have his mind so I know what he'll think. And he'd be so happy that you are here with a version of him. He'll always be heartbroken that he couldn't spend forever with you. He'll always be a little sad. But you gave him- you gave me- some of the best moments of my life. And he would want you to extend all of those happy moments. And I want to, if you want to. Because I do, Rose. I love you. Always have, always will. And he loves you. Which is why he did this. He wanted to give you a chance at a life you deserve."
He grabbed my other hand then so we were facing each other but it was too much and I let go, taking a step back. I could feel the tears finally starting to fill my eyes as I started to feel again. I replayed that moment over and over in my head. How he just walked away, back to his TARDIS, right after watching me kiss another guy. Well it was him. But it wasn't. He wasn't the one who felt that. I felt so bad. Like I shouldn't have done it. How could I just let him walk away like that when I loved him so much? This Doctor just stood on the beach, staring at me. Being incredibly patient while I tried to work the whole situation out. And I felt bad for him, too. Because he was still the Doctor, too. And I wasn't ready to just jump in his arms and ride off into the moonlight. He didn't deserve my hesitation. My Time Lord Doctor didn't deserve to watch that kiss. But I suppose, in the end, none of us really deserved what we were given.
"You need time," the Doctor said after a few minutes. I was crying really hard because there was too much going on in my head. I couldn't handle it. It felt like I had the time vortex back in there, swirling around and trying to kill me.
"Did you know? Did you know that he was going to leave us here?"
"Rose, please," he said and ran a hand through his hair.
"Did you know?!" I screamed because I really needed to know.
"Yes," he started, stepping a bit closer. "I knew. I mean he didn't say anything. But I knew." He dropped his head and he actually seemed upset about it. Like telling me was hard.
"Then why didn't you tell me? You could have at least said something! Were you two even thinking?! We could have had a chance to talk! I could have said goodbye!" When I said it I realized that that was what was actually bothering me in that moment. That I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I spent two years waiting to say hello. And a few hours later, it was all over.
"Of course we were thinking, Rose," he said much more calmly. His face was tense but his voice was soft and it was exactly the opposite from my heavy breathing and the tears that were still running down my cheeks. "We were thinking about you. I don't think you understand what this means. We love you so much Rose. So much that we needed to set you free. By staying here with me, you could live a life that you've always wanted. That he's always wanted. That I've always wanted. The Doctor and Rose. We have that opportunity now. I would have done the same thing."
"The same thing? You mean you would have left me too?"
"No, Rose. I would have given you your best shot. A life with me. I wouldn't have it any other way. We don't have to watch you grow old and die without us doing it with you and you don't have to be in danger all the time. We never wanted to hurt you again. Never. But there was no other way to do this. Think about it. We can live our life and he will be sad, Rose. I know he will. But he has Donna. He has a friend. He has all these amazing memories of the two of you that he'll cherish. The same ones that I have and that I'll cherish. Rose, please. Look at this as an ending, yes. I'm so sorry that you lost him again but he's still standing right here. And he wants a life with you. Please look at it as a beginning, too." He held his hands out like he was really trying to reason with me and I understood a little bit better now.
"Too," I said, "The word that keeps popping up."
"Yes, but it's not sinister this time. It's not like Bad Wolf. He's the Doctor. But I'm the Doctor, too. You had a life with him. But you have one with me, too. You love me. And I love you, too. Rose Tyler. It'll take time, but we can still do this."
"I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. I should just be with you but I can't be. I can't. I'm sorry."
"Rose."
"I just don't know what to do."
"Rose."
"I'm sorry."
"Rose." He closed the distance between us and hugged me. It felt like every other time we had done it before. It was exactly the same. So why did I feel so guilty? "It's okay. Shh…we're going to be okay." He stroked my hair while I cried into his shoulder. And as the moments passed guilt started to fade away and I hugged him back. I guess I realized that it could be possible for this to work. That with time, I would be able to be completely and totally his and not have my heart split in two. Because being with him was what I had been searching for for three years, and now right here it was. On the place where I said goodbye. On the place where I first told him I loved him. He held me for a few minutes before we started walking back toward Mum and off of Bad Wolf Bay. And just like the last time I left this place, I knew that my life had once again changed in a big way.
