Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own any characters or concepts related to Kim Possible. This is a nonprofit work of fanfiction.
Greatest Scheme Ever is a (small) collection of comedic vignettes starring Drakken and Shego. I wrote the first three way back in 2007, posted them to my then-livejournal, and forgot about them. It only took three years for me to think, "Hey! I could cross-post these things somewhere! But where? Where could I possibly cross-post them? Of course! FFN! Memlu, you genius, you've done it again." So there you go. Some unnecessary and uninteresting backstory, and we're good for business. Thumbs up!
This is set after So the Drama, but probably before Graduation. I think.
Fast Food for the Soul
"Back," said Shego as she came through the door, grease-stained paper bag -- Salty Dave's Fast Food Pick-Up! it said in large cartoon letters -- held out at arm's length. "And I've got your salt-encrusted heart attack with me." She tossed the bag at Drakken and dropped into the chair nearest to the door. "Don't know why you couldn't just send one of your minions. Let someone else have the fun for a change."
Drakken waved her off with a snort and a sneer. "Oh, they never get it right," he said. "Why, just the other day--" He broke off.
"Just the other day what? I'm riveted here." She slipped the earbuds out of her pocket. "Really," she said, leaning back. "Just dying to hear how this one ends."
"Shego," said Drakken. He stared down into the bag, grease dripping ominously between his fingers. "This is not what I ordered."
"What's that?" Shego paused, earbuds pinched neatly between her fingers. "You wanted the Li'l Pals meal, didn't you?"
The corners of his mouth slowly drew tight, then -- like clockwork -- down they turned. "No," he said. "That isn't what I wanted at all. Where is my Mondo Burger?"
Shego mimed surprise, touching her hands to her collar. "Ohhhh! You wanted the Mondo Burger. Really? Well, you have to admit, they do sound similar."
"They sound nothing alike!" Drakken shouted, hurling the bag at the stone floor with what he hoped came across more as righteous fury than meaningless petulance.
The bag landed with a squelch. "Howdy, pardner!" it said.
Drakken froze. "Shego--"
"It's a toy," she said, popping the earbuds in and kicking her heels up on the glass table he'd imported from Hong Kong just the other day (naturally, he thought; she had no respect for any of his things). "You know, they come with the meal? You'd think someone with your vast experience in the fast food industry would know that sort of thing."
He tapped his fingers together, then nudged the bag with one foot. "What kind of toy is it?" he said.
"Why don't you open it and find out?"
"Well, maybe I will!" he snapped.
He had no choice then. It was carry out his word or concede victory to Shego's back. He shoved his hand into the bag and ruffled through the napkins, the little packets of assorted condiments (oh, he hoped she'd at least remembered the barbecue sauce), the box of chicken pops that came with the meal. Most likely the toy was some cheap, plastic thing made in China. His Little Diablos had been made of much sturdier materials; nothing like what he grasped--
He withdrew the prize. A grinning, misshapen cowboy stared up at him, painted stubble shadowing its face, that foul pool of grease spattered across its plastic vest.
"It looks like a hobo," he said. "Shego, you've bought me a homeless plastic man!"
She waved him off. "Shh! Music. Not caring."
"They didn't even bag it," he said, poking at the row of plastic buttons down its front. "Remind me to never order from Salty Dave's again. They obviously--ahhh!"
"Hee hee!" The toy jiggled against his palm. "That's a right good one, pardner. Ha ha ha! Hee hee!"
"Ha!" Drakken clapped a hand to his mouth. "Oh, my," he said. "What an infectious laugh it has. Something of a hairtrigger response, though." He tilted his head. "I suppose now that I look at it, it does have a bit of a scampish charm."
"Are you still talking?" said Shego.
"Don't think I'm not still angry with you," Drakken said to her back. "Those chicken pops are hardly filling."
"Whatever," she said, settling back. "You two crazy kids have fun."
"Did you get any of those little packets of barbecue sauce?" he said.
This story was originally posted at livejournal on 03/20/2007, for livejournal user ew_younerd.
