William Tompkins looked up when he heard the bell over the door jingle to see a woman he did not recognize from town entering his store.
"Good afternoon, Ma'am, what can I help you with today?"
He saw her brow knit together for a moment and then the sweetest smile he'd ever seen spread across her face before she spoke in a thick accent.
"Please," she began, "I try to find the Pony Express."
She was so focused on the man behind the counter she didn't see another walk up beside her. She turned with a start at his voice. He had long blonde hair and clear blue eyes and an easy smile.
"Well Ma'am," this new man said with a hint of a bow, "I work for the Pony Express. What can I do for you?"
"I need to find a man. He rides."
"I ride," the man said hopeful that he could be the man this pretty woman was looking for.
"His name is Buck."
The disappointed look passed briefly over his face before being obscured with a smile. There were a lot of riders for the Express and at least she was looking for one that he considered family.
"I think I might just know this man," he replied, "I can take you to him, if you'd like."
He stood uneasily looking at her and then quickly added, "My name's Cody, by the way, William F. Cody."
"I am Monica," she said as she took his outstretched hand, "You can help me?"
She seemed uncertain and looked to the man behind the counter for confirmation.
"Cody'll get you there safely, Ma'am. There's no need to worry."
Monica nodded and followed the man who called himself Cody through the door he held for her.
"Let me take that basket for you," Cody offered.
"No," she said simply.
He shrugged and watched her carefully set the basket on the buckboard and allowed him to help her climb onto it. He then mounted his horse and nodded to her to follow him. Once out of the town, proper, he fell alongside her and began to speak.
"How do you know Buck?"
"We met once," she smiled and Cody felt a deep wish that a woman would have a smile like that for him. There was such love in it.
"Just once?" he asked, unsure how she could love someone like that with only one meeting.
"Yes," with her one word, Cody knew that subject was closed.
Monica could see the homestead come into view and wondered for a moment if she could really do this. She had only met him once and there was always the possibility that she was the only one who felt as she did at their meeting. She might have misread his expressions. Perhaps he wasn't that grateful for the place to stay or the time they shared. Perhaps he had many nights like that one. Perhaps he was not so cast out and lonely as she thought. Perhaps he would be angry she came. She heard Cody tell her he was riding ahead to find Buck and she thought to turn the buckboard around and try to leave but a sound from the basket behind her spurred her on. He had a right to know, even if he didn't want either of them. She wasn't asking for anything from him, after all. She'd been doing just fine on her own and still could. Her musings occupied her mind until she was right on top of the little station and she brought the buckboard to a stop. She looked around to find herself the focus of a few curious looks. Monica turned her head toward the sound of a door shutting with some force. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw him and then her stomach flipped and turned at the bewildered look on his face. He crossed the distance to her and held a hand to help her from the wagon.
"Monica," he said tenderly as if he hadn't expected to speak that name again, "What are you doing here?"
She wasn't sure if he was glad to see her or not. He was a very guarded man and she guessed that he'd had to become so.
"To talk," was her only reply.
Buck had cursed himself internally for asking why she was there. He really didn't care why she was there, he was only glad she was. He wished Emma was still there as she was the only one he'd ever told the story to and he would have liked for Emma to have met Monica but it had been a while since Emma and Sam had left.
She carefully took the basket from the wagon and he offered to help her carry it but she shook her head.
"Where can we go?" she asked and then clarified at his wondering look, "To talk."
He led her back to the little building where he had just come from.
"No one's in here right now," he explained, "We can talk."
She nodded and Buck tried to read her. She seemed almost scared of him and he guessed she was. They had only shared the one night. It was precious to him and, he thought, to her too but she might not have known what it meant to him. Still, if she wasn't sure how he'd receive her, he wondered why she would go to the trouble of seeking him out. She looked uneasily at the beds in the room but Buck gestured to the table.
"It's the bunkhouse," he explained, "The riders all live here; we eat, sleep, whatever in here."
She sat at the table and set the basket on it gently.
"I'm glad to see you again, Monica," he said and tried so hard to make his voice and face convey how glad he was, "I feared I wouldn't see you again. You were kind to me."
She nodded her understanding and felt emboldened by his words and tender tone.
"But I don't understand why you went to all the trouble to find me after all this time."
She stood and seemed to ponder her actions a moment before she lifted a blanket from the basket and then pushed the basket toward where he sat. He stood and looked inside and then back up to her in question.
"Nessa," she said.
He wasn't sure at all what to say. He wasn't sure what or how he felt but he didn't want to say something stupid.
"You mean," he began cautiously, "When we…you…and she? I'm a father?"
She nodded and lifted the infant from the basket gently and held her to Buck. He wasn't sure at all but there was a desire within him to hold the child so he carefully took her from her mother's arms and cradled her. He saw his own features looking back at him with a few variations. The child had the same dark, limitless eyes her mother possessed and he fell in love with her instantly. He vaguely heard the door open and close and only looked up when he heard Jimmy speak.
"What is that?"
"What does it look like Jimmy?" Buck asked rhetorically, "And it's not an it; it's a she."
Jimmy shook his head trying to figure out what was happening.
The rest of the riders were sitting down to supper but Monica sought out Rachel.
"I must feed her now."
She looked imploring at Rachel for a place she could nurse the child in some privacy. Rachel smiled and led Monica to the house and into the sitting room.
"Here you are," Rachel told her warmly, "You take what time you need and come on back out to the bunkhouse when you're done so you can get something to eat too."
"Thank you," Monica responded, "Do you think it wrong for me to come?"
"No sweetheart," soothed the other woman, "I think he had the right to know and I think he's glad to know."
The riders were all sitting around the table in a state of shock at the news that had been sprung upon them; Buck more than the others.
"Buck," Teaspoon said finally, "Maybe you'd better fill us in on the story."
Buck recounted the day he'd been caught in the sudden, violent storm and how he'd taken the chance of finding a safe harbor in a barn. He then told of Monica finding him there and asking him in. He did not go into detail of how they spent the night but, blushing, did admit that they had engaged in activities that could surely bring about a child.
"You sure the kid's yours?" asked Jimmy, "I mean, if she goes around inviting strangers in and all."
Lou kicked him under the table and he just glared at her.
"Did you look at her face, Jimmy? Nessa's I mean; she looks just like me."
Jimmy looked back down at his plate. He had in fact looked at the baby and, although he thought it was tough to tell what person a baby might favor, there was something in the child that screamed she was Buck Cross' daughter.
All of them looked up when the door opened and Monica slid into the room as if trying to go unnoticed. Buck smiled at her, he hadn't had a lot of time to think about it before but he was sure in this moment that he loved her. He had loved her before on that night deeper than he had felt possible but he was now sure that, if she'd have him, he'd be hers forever.
Monica gave a timid smile back. She still wasn't sure it had been the right thing to seek him out and his friends were suspicious of her. She didn't blame them. She was thankful he had people who loved him so much to be protective. Family was important and could be gone so quickly. She looked to see that the one introduced to her as Ike was standing and motioning to a chair he had brought over and sat between himself and Buck. Without knowing Ike before today and having only her brief encounter with Buck, she could still tell the two shared a special friendship and for her to be placed between them was an honor. It also seemed that Ike was showing her that she'd be shielded from any judgment there. She sat and watched as Buck dished a plate of food for her.
"Is Nessa in the house?" he asked, setting the plate in front of her.
"Yes, she is sleeping," she replied, "She is good baby."
Cody couldn't contain his curiosity anymore.
"Where are you from, Monica?" he asked. Her accent spoke of some far off place he might have read of but thus far could only dream of visiting.
"Österreich," she replied and then blushing corrected herself, "You would say Austria."
He had heard of Austria, it was very large and took up much of Europe. He had so many questions but knew he'd have to table them for the time being and merely smiled and nodded to let her know he was familiar with the name. It was then that Teaspoon cleared his throat to draw the attention to his end of the table.
"I hate to be the one to ask this but I think someone has to," he began really wishing the things he said, "I ain't going to dispute who fathered that child. I know Buck's face pretty well. I'm wondering why you're here. You could've come when you were still expecting or when she was first born or later or never. I'm not trying to be harsh but I have to be blunt. What do you want from Buck?"
She looked frightened. She knew there was a chance that Buck might think she was there with demands and maybe this question was putting voice to Buck's own worries. Of course this man was obviously like a father to this group of young men and Monica was sure that he was probably concerned that she was trying to take advantage of his young charge. She took a breath and spoke.
"I need nothing. I have what I need-what we need. I can care for Nessa. I feel love for Buck. If he does not feel it to me, that is okay too," she paused, aside from speaking to Nessa for practice, this was the most she'd ever said in English at one time.
"I want no trouble. I ask nothing. I think he should know about Nessa."
There was silence in the room after that. No one knew quite what to say. After the meal, Buck leaned to Monica and whispered in her ear, "Would you come for a walk with me?"
Monica nodded but then looked worried, "I should..."
She looked toward the house indicating she needed to check on Nessa.
Rachel overheard and offered to check on the baby for her since she was headed back to the house anyway.
The two walked a ways into the growing night before Buck spoke.
"You know I can't turn my back on the two of you. I feel responsible."
"There is no need," she said softly, "You gave me a gift. I have much thanks for you."
He smiled at her words.
"But you brought her here," he said, "You had to know I would feel I needed to care for her, for you, in some way."
"I take care of us."
"What if I don't want you to have to do it alone?" he asked and then continued before she could answer, "What if I love you and what if I fell in love with her too? What if I want to be there for both of you?"
Monica was still afraid, of what she didn't know.
"If this is true," she said carefully, "It is your choice what you do."
Buck considered her words for a while.
"I missed you," he said finally, "I thought about you a lot."
She smiled but seemed unsure. They walked a bit more and let the silence close around them but it wasn't the same silence from their first night together. Too much had happened without them even being together and they knew it somehow. It seemed almost like they had just met and Buck felt he had to conjure all the courage within him to take her hand in his. She looked at him surprised but smiled and relaxed at the contact.
Buck walked her to the house and climbed the steps. He stood there uncertainly for a few minutes before lowering his head to hers in a near chaste kiss.
He then knocked on the door to let Rachel know that Monica was there and turned to head to the bunkhouse.
"Good night, Buck," she said.
He turned to her sweet smile and the eyes he was so far lost in that he knew he'd never find his way free of her, "I'll see you in the morning."
Rachel opened the door to let Monica in and Buck called causing Monica to pause for just a moment.
"Kiss Nessa good night for me?"
She nodded and felt happy for the last part. Whatever he did or did not feel for her, he must have some good feelings for their baby.
Buck entered the bunkhouse to find his friends looking at him expectantly. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about it but he wasn't sure he had any real choice. He settled into his bunk and hoped against hope that there wouldn't be a barrage of questions but soon he saw Ike's face looking down to him from his bunk above.
'What are you going to do?' Ike signed.
'I wish I knew,' Buck signed back. If the conversation stayed between them, it might not be so bad.
"What do you mean you don't know?" asked Kid, "You're going to marry her, aren't you?"
"Kid!" hissed Lou and he looked at her in question, "Maybe he'd like to make his own decision."
"Maybe it's not all my decision," Buck said causing them all to look in his direction.
'Doesn't she want to marry you?' asked Ike.
"I don't know really. I didn't ask. She didn't come here for a husband; she came to let me know I'm a father."
"She's a beautiful baby, Buck," said Lou, "I don't think I heard her cry once. She fussed only a tiny bit when she was hungry. It's got to be a shock though."
He nodded at her.
'How do you feel about it?' asked Ike and his expression was filled with an understanding as if he already knew of the struggle going on inside of his dear friend.
"I look at Nessa and I'm happy," he said, "She is beautiful and I feel so much love for her. I just know what the world will think of her. I never really planned on being a father. I always thought it would be better if I didn't visit this upon a child. It wouldn't even matter who I had a child with, the kid would be like me, all wrong for either world that could claim her so neither one will."
"Seems it's too late for whatever you planned," Jimmy piped up, "The question is, what you're going to do about this now that she's here."
"So you admit Buck's the father now?" asked Lou sourly.
"Lou, I didn't mean anything bad by it. I just thought it needed asking," Jimmy tried to defend himself knowing that there wasn't much defense, it had really just been a reflex, "Buck's right, there's something about her that's just like him."
"Her eyes," said Kid.
"No," Buck spoke up, "Those are Monica's eyes."
No one spoke for a while and the room was darkened so they could sleep.
"Do you want to marry her?" Lou asked, "I mean, do you love her?"
"I think I do," Buck answered. He heard the others fall asleep; the deep breathing and snores that were so comfortable to him and signaled being home. He didn't sleep though. He spent the night trying to sort how he felt and how to explain to Monica how he felt. After a while he felt the need for air and quietly got up and went outside to sit for a bit. He sat on the porch of the bunkhouse looking out at the stars as if hoping they would yield an answer. Soon he heard another join him. He knew who it would be.
"Sorry if I woke you, Ike."
'You didn't. I was worried about you.'
"This is so sudden," Buck said sounding as helpless as he felt, "Don't most men get nine months to prepare for this?"
Ike smiled and signed, 'Are you upset about the timing or that she came here at all?'
Buck just shook his head; he didn't know.
"It's like I'm feeling about a thousand things all at once," he tried to explain, "I'm glad she came and I'm glad to meet Nessa. But I'm angry that Nessa's been born into this. I'm scared because I don't know the first thing about being a father and I haven't had any time to prepare. I want to be with Monica but it's not that simple anymore. There's more than just the wants of two lonely people now. There's a child."
Ike didn't respond. He knew Buck wasn't done trying to sort this out.
"I think after that night, if I hadn't had to get back here, I would have stayed with her," Buck confessed, "I thought it wasn't meant to be for us to be together and I started to question whether it was really love or something else that caused what happened between us."
'What do you think now?' Ike asked.
"I believe I really love her but now I don't know if that's enough."
'What else is there?'
"Yesterday I would have said nothing but today things are different. Today I'm somebody's father."
Okay...due to popular demand (and you know who you are) and due also to my noisy muses, this had to happen. I am pretty sure how this shakes out but not entirely...The song inspiring this one is "Forever Young" also by Mr. Bob Dylan. I will post the lyrics at the end of the story but you are free to look them up. You may also find listings of Rod Stewart doing this song. His is different and the lyrics are slightly changed when Rod sings the song. So really I am going by Dylan's song. And this is nothing like the Alphaville song although that is one kick butt song. Anyway, I hope this is to everyone's liking. You all are the best!-J
