The wardrobe rattled dangerously on the dusty wooden floor. The terrified group of third year Gryffindor and Slytherin Hogwarts students gasped as the wardrobe continued to shake inconsistent, sporadic bursts.

"Nothing to fear, nothing to fear!" Professor Remus John Lupin calmed the class, patting his hands into the air. "Gather round, that's it!"

The students nervously herded around Lupin as he smiled reassuringly at the class.

"Back there, it's a boggart!" Lupin let out a moan as he twirled his little brown beard.

"Harry, my mum told me about boggarts!" whispered Ron Weasley to his best friend Harry Potter with a fearful look at the wardrobe.

"What'd she tell you, that the mean ol' boggart would steal your panties?" scathingly replied Draco Malfoy from behind the two boys. He had pasted a smug look on his bleached face. "My father says that boggarts are just make belief, a fairy tale to scare children into going to bed!" He let out a mirthless chuckle and spat directly into Ron's face.

At that moment, Lupin noticed the small scuffle and hurried over in a flash.

"Not fighting, I hope, boys?" Lupin inquired with a toothy grin.

"Weasley is being a pussy!" Malfoy shot out with a red face.

"Malfoy doesn't believe in boggarts, sir!" Ron squealed.

Lupin squinted his eyes as he scrutinized the two boys. Slowly, very slowly, an ear wide smile melded its way onto his visage.

"No belief in boggarts, eh?" He took a step closer to Malfoy. "Face it, then."

The class let out a long ooooooh. Malfoy looked taken aback. He had not been expecting such a challenge. However, a second later he sucked up his pride and fired back a defiant look.

"Fine, then. I'll prove you all wrong!"

He pushed his way roughly to the front of the class before the wardrobe, which has suddenly stopped rattling.

Without warning, the door shot open violently, striking Malfoy smack in the face and sending him sprawling to the floor, blood gushing from his nose. There was a collective gasp from the class as a distant thunk thunk thunk could be heard from within the depths of the wardrobe.

There was a deep creaking, and Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody limped out into the dimly lit classroom.

Malfoy shrieked at an impossibly high pitch and scrambled backwards frantically, falling over hard. Moody, realizing his target was directly in front of him, let out a throaty growl and limped faster towards his prey. Malfoy began to sob heavily, crawling forward and looking imploringly up at Lupin. Lupin, disgusted, forced Malfoy towards Moody with his foot as the ex-auror continued to bear down.

The grizzled Hogwarts professor grabbed one of Malfoy's flailing feet with but a single hand, dragging him backwards on his stomach. Malfoy cried out in terror, scratching his fingernails on the rough wooden floor.

The Mad-Eye took his trademarked heavy wooden staff and raised it high above his head. With a solemn grunt, Moody brought it swishing down into Malfoy's still robed asshole. The tip of the staff sizzled through Malfoy's clothes like a hot spike, plunging deep within.

Malfoy's pain seemed to be moved beyond tears. He simply let himself go limp, eyes dead, twitching convulsively. Moody nodded as he retracted the staff from Draco's rectum. He stepped backwards and contemplated his next move.

Moody finally appeared to come to a decision as he let the staff fall with a loud clatter onto the floor. He brought his hand to the level of his head and, with the sound of a powerful plunger being withdrawn from a toilet, popped out his magical swivelling eye.

He looked far more dangerous with an empty eye socket. With one hand he grabbed the rump of Malfoy off the ground and, with the other, placed his magical eye deep within Malfoy via his asshole. The young Slytherin gave a final shuddering gasp before succumbing to unconsciousness.

"Your father will definitely hear about this…" Moody finished with a grin.

He winked with his remaining eye to the classroom as he motioned for Lupin to come forward. The latter did as he was told, bowing royally before the class. Moody pulled his wand out from his robes and swished it through the air in a flurry of golden sparks. There was a flash of purple light and where there was once Lupin there was now a small brown ferret frisking on the ground.

The ferret wasted no time in getting to work. He squealed as he wedged himself deep within Malfoy's rectum once again. This time, the action shook Malfoy from his stupor, and, upon realizing what was happening, dissolved into a fresh round of unapologetic sobs. There was further squeaking coming from within Malfoy and, a second later, the ferret popped back out with Moody's swivelling eye held tightly in his ferret mouth.

The small rodent presented the gift to Moody who accepted gratefully. Moody popped the somewhat brown eyeball back into his socket and immediately transcended all of what Malfoy was or would ever be. He saw his memories, friends, family, even his private times. Moody played the game one final time in motioning the class forward.

He whispered conspiratorial to every single student in telling them the plan he had seen within Malfoy's innards. They all broke into nervous whispers and giggles, thinking about the challenge they were about to undertake. Could they possibly pull it off?

It seemed that they could. One by one the class lined up with Potter right before Malfoy. At the back of the line, Ron inserted his XXX magic wand into Seamus, who in turn put his in the subsequent person, and so on until Harry. Next, Ron let loose all of the urine stored inside him. The flow of pee travelled through Seamus' rectum and out his own urethra, which in turn continued until it reached Potter. Potter, however, held his penis shut with a clamp, letting all of the backflow of urine build up within him.

When the last of the pee had made its migration to Potter's bladder, the Chosen One bellowed the cry of his people and pulled off the clamp. There was a second of total silence before the jet of pee traveling at nearly the speed of sound blasted right through Malfoy's legs into twelve floors below. The crying Slytherin screamed and begged as he fell through the resulting hole, carried by the backwash.

The last of the pee dripped away as the students watched Malfoy tumble through Hogwarts castle all the way down to the dungeons, where they saw Snape get an awkward boner from witnessing such an act. He cursed up at the crew standing triumphantly in the classroom. Moody stalked away into the cavernous hole of the wardrobe, Lupin transformed back into a human, and the third year Defense Against the Dark Arts class revelled in their victory.

At Hogwarts, help will come to those who ask for it.