Title:
Missing the pain
Author:
Lisa
Feedback:
lisagaill@yahoo.com
Disclaimer:
I own the haphazardly thrown together story, not the characters.
Spoilers:
Everything.
Summery:
Angel thinks about Buffy.
Authors
Notes: I first wrote this several, several weeks ago. And I just now got around
to 'fixing' it, at the request of Heather.
I don't think this is one of my better efforts, but I kinda like it. The
basis for the fic comes from Garth Brooks'
"The Dance." This is
completely un-beta'd.
Dedication:
To Heather, for asking, er, telling me to start working on it. To Sara-lee,
because she is so damn cool. Also, this isn't one of my better efforts either,
but I kind of like it. (I am still working on the other story, it will be out
by December, I promise. :))
Looking
back on the memory of
The
dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For
a moment all the world was right
How
could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
I
miss her.
God,
how I miss her. I dream about her more now than I did when she was just a short
drive away. Maybe that's why I dream of her, because I can't just drive down
and see her. She haunts me now, visits me, in my dreams.
I
wanted to die. The minute I walked in the door and saw Willow. I knew. I didn't
want to, but I couldn't help it. I forced down my feelings. I lived in the land
of denial. I watched as they put her in
the ground and I sobbed. At that moment, I knew she wasn't going to come back
to me. I had to be strong now.
I've
never, in my long life felt pain like when Willow said those words to me. Not
when I left her, standing amid ruins of the building I just helped destroy, not
when I had to watch her walk out of my door, not remembering our wonderful day
together. It was the most indescribable, excruciating pain that I've never
wanted to feel.
But,
it was worth it.
It
was worth all of the pain in the world to know that we had just one moment of
happiness. But we had more than that.
We had a lifetime in the short time that we were together. We had a
lifetime in that one-day. In that day, we experienced more love and more
happiness than I have ever felt in nearly two hundred and fifty years on this
earth.
I
don't even remember the bad times anymore. I don't even recall telling her that
I had to leave her, I don't recall watching her walk out of my door. I never
see the pain that I put in her eyes. I don't hear her crying at night or the
brave face she tried to put on when she was at her weakest. No, I don't
remember the bad times.
What
I remember is what this thing called life is all about. I remember kissing her,
and holding her, and loving her. The amount of unconditional love she held for
me was something I thought I could never have. She never looked at me in
disgust, not even when she wanted to. She never held pity in her eyes. She just
loved me. She didn't even try not to, not after it was clear that it was
impossible to try. She was so much stronger than I ever could be, she never
fought our love, just accepted it.
When
I close my eyes, I see her face. Her beautiful, smiling face. She gave me
strength to go on and live; she helped me to see that I was needed in this
world. Without her, I would have still
been living off rats and feeling sorry for myself, that's a best-case
scenario. My life became complete the
day I met her.
I
see her, hugging me, telling me that we shouldn't be together, though neither
of us were able to turn away. I see her
in my jacket; she always wore it, even though it nearly came to her knees. She
told me once that it smelled like me and when she wore it, she felt close to
me. She gave it back, because she said it had stopped having my smell; she made
me wear it for a month, then she took it back again. Not only that, but she 'stole' several of my shirts as well. It
was a fair trade; I have several of her things, too.
I
see us making out like two teenagers in the graveyard while we were supposed to
be patrolling. She was just a teenager, but the things she saw in her life made
her much older than she was. The very first time I saw her she had this spark
in her eyes that made her look as if she were excited about everything. Her
eyes gave her emotions away every time.
Sitting under the tree, after her mother died, I watched what little bit
of hope she had left drain away, like discarded bathwater. Saving the world on
a regular basis was taking a toll on her, emotionally and physically. She just
didn't have it in her to fight that hard, only to be thrown up against another
wall.
She
was always there for me, in ways that I could never begin to repay. She bandaged me up when my 'darling
children' tried to kill me. She took care of me when I came back even though I
know she was a little afraid of me, I still saw the love in her eyes. But she didn't
only help me physically. After I came back, I would have liked nothing more
than to go back there. The pain was too
much, and I could tell that she saw that. That didn't matter. I had to fight.
It was my one shining moment. I fought for her. She wouldn't give up on me. I
surely wasn't going to give up on her. No, that was to come later, but I
digress.
I
told her once that she should be with someone who could take her into the
light. She was my light. I didn't need to see the sun because I could see it in
her eyes. The minute she walked into the room, any black cloud I may have had
over my head suddenly turned into blue skies and singing birds filled my ears.
She had this amazing power to make me feel worthy of her love, of life. As
demons, we aren't allowed to love, that's our payment for immortality, not much
of a trade if you ask me. Yet even Angelus loved her. He thought he didn't have the capacity for love, but he did.
Holding
You, I held everything
For
a moment, wasn't I a king
But
if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey
who's to say, you know I might have chanced it all
All
of the pain we went through, all of the heartache and the loneliness was worth
it. It was worth every minute, just because we experience a love that most
people don't get to have. We have eternal love. We have a love that doesn't die.
And
I know the minute I am giving atonement for everything he did we will be
together forever. She is my reward, I couldn't think of anything else I would
want more.
And
that's worth it all.
I
could have missed the pain, but I'd had to miss the dance...