Standard Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, though by now I feel like I should! LOL!
Leaving
Hatter was angry, mostly with Alice but also with himself. He'd known well enough that Alice was working through a lot of personal issues. She wasn't going to be able to erase ten years worth of dysfunction after three days in Wonderland, no matter how many times she faced her fears. He knew this before he stepped through the Looking Glass. He knew it.
But knowing and experiencing were two different things, it seemed. Even a month later Alice was still holding herself back and picking fights with him. Things had gone well at first, but the longer Hatter stayed it seemed the more unpredictable Alice became. Her moods were shifty. She would rarely spend the night at his flat. She alternated between wanting to spend every minute with him, and then ignoring him for days at a time.
He'd reached his breaking point.
*o*o*o*
"I'm going out of town for the weekend," Alice said. "The dojo is doing some demonstrations at a martial arts expo in Connecticut."
"Maybe I'll tag along," Hatter said. He loved to watch her training a class. Plus, there was the added benefit of seeing something of the Oyster world besides the city.
"You'd be bored," Alice said dismissively.
"I like watching you, love. You look cute in your white pajamas."
"It's a gi," Alice corrected. She was always correcting. "Honestly, Hatter, you don't need to come."
"Don't you want me to come?" Hatter had asked, even though he knew the answer. He could see it in the hard line of her mouth and the stiffness in her shoulders. He couldn't stop himself from pushing, though.
"We don't need to spend every damn minute together," she snapped.
Hatter clenched his fists, struggling to keep his temper. When Alice was in a good mood, she could be so sweet and loving. But more and more she was snippy and snarly and overly critical. He was tired of it.
"What are you doing, Alice?" he asked. "Why do you have to push at me? Do you want me to leave?"
"Are you threatening me?" Alice turned on him and he could see the anger in her face. But he could also read the fear in her eyes.
"I just want to know why I left everything behind to be with you, when you clearly don't want me here." Hatter cast an eye to the door, his thoughts already on escaping.
"Stop throwing that in my face," Alice said. "Stop trying to make me feel guilty."
"I love you, Alice. I'm here because I love you. Why can't you trust in that?" But Hatter already knew the answer to that question. She'd trusted him completely, once upon a time. But the old habits were too easy and she'd slipped right back into them. She was afraid he would leave her, and it would hurt less if she forced him to go because then it was something she could control.
Hatter had already had a lengthy conversation with Alice's mother about all of this. Carol wanted Alice to go back for counseling, but Alice thought she was too strong for that; she didn't need any help. Hatter loved her, he did, and he wanted to help her, but he was tired of being her whipping boy.
"Do you love me, Alice?" He hated asking that, hated that he had to. Alice had never said the words, and she didn't say them now; she just turned away, her shoulders hunched. Hatter's chest was painfully tight.
"I can't do this anymore, Alice," he said softly. "I love you, but you're tearing me apart."
"So you're just going to go?" Alice asked without turning around, her voice thick with tears.
"Yeah." Fighting against the tears in his own eyes, Hatter turned and walked out of the apartment, shutting the door quietly behind him. He didn't feel much for going back to his own flat, at least not right now, and so he decided to take a walk and think of what he wanted to do next.
*o*o*o*
Carol met Hatter at the train station, as he'd asked her to. It had only taken him a day to pack up his few belongings and put them in storage. He had a duffle bag full of clothes, all of his Oyster paperwork, and his old porkpie hat. It was all he needed, and he could have just slipped away, but he wanted to talk with Carol first.
They sat together on a bench inside Penn Station, neither one of them talking for a moment. It was Carol who broke the silence.
"I'm sorry you're leaving, David. I wish things had worked out differently."
"I've not given up on Alice," Hatter assured her. "I just need…I need space. And she does as well."
"What will you do?"
"You've a big country here. I'd like to see some of it." Hatter had in fact sat down with an atlas the night before, taking in the size of this part of the Oyster world. There were so many things to see here, and he wanted to see them. He wanted to know if there was more for him here than just Alice.
"Do you have enough money?" Carol asked.
"Jack left me a nice account at the bank," Hatter assured her. "I'll be fine."
Carol startled Hatter by taking his hand and squeezing it in her own. "If you need anything – anything – you call me."
"I will. I promise." Hatter gave her a kiss on the cheek, then stood with his duffle bag in hand.
"You're a good boy, David. Be careful out there."
Hatter grinned and nodded. He walked a few feet, then turned and waved back at her. Carol returned the wave, and Hatter was glad he'd had the chance to say goodbye to her. He headed to the terminal, and the train that would take him north. And he hoped he'd have something to come back for when his trip was over.
*o*o*o*
Alice went to Hatter's apartment, intent on apologizing. She'd had time to think during the trip to Connecticut and she knew she was being unreasonable. She knew Hatter had every right to be angry with her. Hell, even her own mother was angry about the way she'd been acting.
It was just that the cost was so high this time. She loved Hatter – so very much – but with that there was such a huge chance for pain. Especially with him. He wasn't from her world, had no ties here save her. If she opened herself up, told him how she couldn't live without him, then what happened when he decided he missed Wonderland too much and went home? She couldn't live there, in that crazy, dangerous place. Not even for him.
Alice knocked on Hatter's door, but there was no answer from within. So she used her spare key, noting grimly that while he'd given her a key to his place the first week he'd been there, she still hadn't reciprocated.
"Hatter?" Alice called as she walked in. She knew he wasn't there; the apartment had an empty feel. Still, she wandered around it looking for the little touches he'd added. And finding none. In a panic, she went to his bedroom and slid open the closet door. The hangers were empty, the hat boxes gone.
"Hatter!" Alice sat on the edge of the bed, barely noticing that the sheets had been stripped from the mattress. He'd left her. He said he was leaving, and he did. Just as she'd feared he would, from the day he'd come through the Glass. And now she could see it had been something of a self-fulfilling prophecy; she'd been so sure he wouldn't stay that she'd driven him away.
Alice put her head in her hands and began to cry. She'd ruined it again, just like she always did. Only this time she'd had a chance at something really great, with someone who loved her more than anything else in the world. Hatter was gone, and there was no way for her to say that she was sorry.
AN: Ah, such a depressing start! In this version of Alice, she's obviously still working through her intimacy and abandonment issues. And I figured that Hatter would only be so patient with that kind of nonsense. I like to think of his actions in this story as tough love.
Special thanks to duchessfaleen, who was my test audience for this first chapter. Your enthusiasm and advice are both well appreciated!
This fic was inspired by the song It's All Coming Back To Me Now, by Meatloaf. Since I'm deep in songfic land right now, too, I listened to it and wondered how it could be applied to Alice and Hatter. Voila! A story is born! Let me know what you think!
