Pretending
Author: Biene
Rating: PG 13
Summary: A diary entry of Sara
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own CSI; it belongs to Jerry Bruckheimer etc
A/N: I hope you like it. Please R & R, criticism is also welcome! This isn't betaed, so if there are any mistakes, please tell me.
Dear Diary,
always pretend to be fine. That was the first rule I ever learned. And I learned it well... to
well. Even if I wished to tell someone how I really feel I couldn't. I don't have the words to
describe it. The ones I know are far too weak to be of use... But I don't think I will ever wish
to open up like this. Every time I did I was more than hurt in the end. No, I don't want to be
hurt like this again. I couldn't stand it.
Take "lonely" as example. I'm more than lonely, I don't have any friends and I doubt if
anyone would care if I died. They would all forget me soon after my funeral. They would
come there surely, thinking of it as their duty. I can imagine it perfectly. Over the years I've
learned how to cope with it.
You see I'm crying. This page is all wet already. But I can't stop it. I've always appreciated
being alone. But I've been far too long. Now I long for someone I'm able to show how I
really am. I'm not the cold Sara I show them, I'm very emotional as you know. Here it is,
pretending again. That's all I can do so I won't be hurt again. Lots of people I've heard saying
that "what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger". They are wrong. Every little hurt leaves
scars too deep to ever heal completely. They always come back to hunt you. These people
have never experienced real emotional wounds or want to believe they're fine again. I don't
blame them for this, I'd love to believe my scars will ever heal, though I KNOW they won't.
Only death will free me from them. Sometimes I beg for a swift death so this will be over. But
till then I will continue to pretend... The only thing I'm capable of. I will pretend to be fine
for my own sake. Maybe I'll be able to believe it someday. But I don't think so.
A/N: Wow... Done! What do you think?
