Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any of the actors involved...I DO however have possession of a sick, weird but wonderful imagination. Enjoy (I hope)!

The Cybermen found the laptop floating in the middle of deep space. It wasn't quite clear where it had come from – it was definitely human technology and from the tiny fruit logo on its surface it was clearly something important – but it contained traces of the Time Vortex that made it very important indeed. Cyber11120 was dispatched to look at the device, but after half an hour of no communication the CyberLeader dispatched yet another cyber (Cyber11325) – to chase him up. The following comes from the CyberShip's logbook and the security footage, which helps us piece together what happened next...

"Excrement!" This was the closest a cyberman had come to swearing as Cyber11120 registered the hissing hydraulics of another cyber coming closer. It stabbed frantically at different keys in order to get rid of the images on the screen. "Delete! Delete! DELETE!" Cyber11235 entered the room just as it howled: 'YOU WILL BE DELETED, DAMN YOU!"

"What is the meaning of this outburst?" Cyber11120 turned round, looking strangely sheepish for something with no emotions.

"I have no recollection of any outburst."

"You had strict orders to not delete any information – what is causing this disobedience?" There was a loud groan. Cyber11325 discovered the cause after telling Cyber11120 in no uncertain terms to step aside. "What is this?"

The other cyber replied a little too quickly. "The logo on the front is an Earth-based fruit called an apple. This is an Apple Mac which is all the rage in the human race and accesses meaningless, rather unsociable sites such as Facebook and Twitter."

"Not that. Why are there humans...interacting on this device?"

Cyber11120 shrugged. "It is saved on the hard drive – apparently this is counted as...natural."

"This is not – do you know what this type of mature entertainment is?"

"...Wanking?"

Cyber11325 didn't want to know exactly how it knew this – most likely the Internet. "Negative. It is called porn." Cyber11120 looked blank, but that was what it looked like anyway. It rewound the film back to the beginning and clicked play. "Porn is a recorded exaggerated version of sexual intercourse that is recorded for human entertainment, generally for male use. They consist of various storylines, outfits and props."

"That I can understand," Cyber11120 commented, downloading other images directly into the other cyber's mind. "In all the recorded material the female appears as a medic, a law enforcer, a maiden of French origin..."

"They are not even from the same time frames; do humans have no concept of history?"

"That will be correct. Also the male always wears the uniform of a Roman officer."

Suddenly Cyber11325 had perfect understanding. "Cyber11120, does the female have the orange hair colour known as ginger?"

"Affirmative. That would be correct."

"...Excrement."

"What is the problem?"

"The problem is that you are watching the exaggerated version of sexual intercourse performed and recorded by known companions of the Doctor."

There was a pause as the two other cybers looked at each other silently. "What will be our next course of action?" Cyber11120 asked finally.

"We need to report this to the CyberLeader," Cyber11325 responded, turning to the door. "We may then proceed with a universal form of manipulation known as blackmailing." It was halfway down the corridor when it realised that the other cyber was not following. It sighed and walked back to the room. Cyber11120 was now seated and watching the screen with apparent interest. "What is the problem with my course of action?"

Cyber11120 did not look up at him. "I simply request to be allowed to watch this until the finish."

"Cyber11120, you are testing my patience. In short, you are irritating me."

"Negative. Cybermen have no patience and no need to become irritated. We have no emotion or any other human responses."

"Well you have clearly caused me to have them, which shows how aggravating you are. Now you WILL come with me, or CyberGod help me I WILL be forced to delete you."

Cyber11120 stood. "Very well. But I have one question that needs to be addressed first."

"What is that?"

"What gender are we?"

Cyber11325 stared at it. "We are CyberMEN, surely you know what gender we are!"

"Affirmative, however we do not have female appendages and neither do we have what the male calls his 'ceremonial sword'...if that is the case, then what are we?"

There was a dreadful moment where Cyber11325 realised that for the first time during their brief encounter it was correct about something. It looked down at itself for a moment, and then back at Cyber11120. "That is irrelevant. You will come with me now and we shall never speak of these events again. Affirmative?"

"Affirmative."

As they left however, it downloaded the information and question into the CyberLeader's mind using the Bluetooth device they had recently taken and installed into the circuitry of their ship. Hopefully it would get some answers.

What followed next it seems was absolute carnage. Cybermen downloaded into other Cybermen in the hope of finding some answers to this new and slightly confusing question, but in vain. Precisely five minutes and three seconds after the first download initiated by Cyber11325 the CyberLeader went mad and consequently its head exploded (It is thought that at that time they were planning an invasion of Earth). Soon after the other cybers – due to the unanswerable question and the fact they were now CyberLeader-less – followed suit. It appears that the cyber known as Cyber11120 commented that the explosions of goo around it reminded him of a key point in the films before it exploded, but it is difficult to tell. The logbook and security footage was ejected from the CyberShip during Emergency Protocol 549 and collected by Torchwood Institute, where since it has been stored in Jack Harkness's personal 'special collection' of evidence. The laptop or 'iMac' and the CyberShip have not been found, and in everyone's interests we hope it never is...

I have another chapter involving Daleks if wanted, but I'll leave it at this if no-one wants. Hope you liked!