He didn't know how to begin this conversation. If one could even call it that.
"So... I thought you should know that Pepper stopped keeping me at arms length. ...I'm really hers now."
Damn, that felt stupid to tell him that.
Why am I so f**king afraid of what you'll think?
He clenched his jaw for a moment.
"I don't care what you think anymore."
Tony straightened up and put his hands in the pockets of his coat.
"Look, I came to tell you I'm not doing this anymore." He said. "Pepper and I talked about it." As if mentioned Pepper somehow made it official and irrevocable. Tony looked down and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. "I don't wanna hate myself anymore because of you. I don't, and I shouldn't have to." He squinted, rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. "It's good to know you didn't dislike me. I suppose it's good to know I'm your greatest creation." Tony's voice caught somewhere in his throat. "Still could've let me know while you were alive." His glistening brown eyes searched the tree line for something, anything. "I don't hate you..." He said, looking back down at the grave, his eyes holding back tears. Tony shrugged. "I know now you weren't trying to hurt me, but you really f**ked up, Dad." With the heel of his hand he fiercely rubbed his eyes. "So uh, Pepper thought-, She thought it would probably be good if I could forgive you." At this point Tony's eyes were closed as he spoke. He didn't want Howard to see him. "I agree with her. She isn't usually wrong." Tony opened up his eyes.
"I'm not real clear on what that means, but I'm sick of breaking my stuff when I think about you."
Again, Tony looked somewhere else.
"Hell, I break my stuff when I think about me. But we're not the same person and you don't get to hold onto me anymore."
Tony didn't even know what he was saying. But he knew what he wanted and the words were coming from inside him. He must not have been totally full of sh*t.
One more time he looked down at the engraved words on the Howard's gravestone. "So I guess this is me forgiving you?"
Tony breathed a sigh. Strangely, he did feel relief. Damn, Pepper was smart.
"I'll see you later dad."
Tony walked away from the grave knowing he would still pretend. He knew he would still put up his shields. He knew he'd still experience fear and anger for all the reasons he did as a child. But he also knew that no matter how many times he fell into the holes Howard had dug for him, he had the ladder now
