Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter- Hang on a minute. Surely this is pointless. If I did own Harry Potter, and I was JK Rowling, I would have put this in Deathly Hallows. Er- or not...

So, here is the first chapter of a very weird telling of the wedding Hermione and Ron tried very hard to forget... PLEASE REVIEW!!!!


Harry clambered into his new dress robes, grinning at Ginny as she strolled out of the bedroom. He smiled inwardly, too, thinking about the past. After all these years, his two greatest friends were about to finalise their relationship. How weird would it be to call Hermione Mrs Weasley? Ginny walked up behind him, kissing him on the back of his neck. "Got your best man speech?" she asked between kisses.

"Yup." Harry replied, holding up a large wad of paper. "Well, shall we get going?"

"No way!" Ginny squealed. "I'm not ready! I've got my make up to put on, and my dress to get ready, and- and- everything!"

"All right, but make it quick." said Harry with a sigh. "I told Ron we'd be there early."

"Okay, okay." Ginny told her boyfriend. "I'll be as quick as I can."

Ninety minutes later, Harry was immersed in his armchair, half asleep. He looked at the grandfather clock. God, was that the time?!? "GINNY!!" He bellowed. "WE- ARE- GOING- TO- BE- LATE!!!"If there was one thing there wasn't a spell for, it WOULD be the application of make up.

"Nonsense!" called Ginny. "It's only- GOOD LORD! IS THAT THE TIME?!?!?!?!?!?"

"YES!" yelled back Harry. "GET A MOVE ON!!!"

"ALL RIGHT!" screamed Ginny. "STOP YELLING AND MAKING IT OUT LIKE IT'S MY FAULT!!"

"IT IS YOUR-" began Harry, but just then, Ginny apparated right next to him, looking almost as terrifying as her mother. "Never mind." he mumbled feebly.

Meanwhile, at a sleepy church somewhere hidden from Muggles inside a teapot, or some such ridiculous plot device, two men stood in the doorway of the church, looking impatiently out. "Where IS he?" demanded one very impatient red- headed groom. He looked at the other man.

"Well, don't look at me!" said Neville, scandalised.

"Alright, but if he doesn't show up, can you stand in as best man?" replied Ron.

"ME?" said Neville, for a moment looking more unsure of himself than he had since his fourth year. "I don't even have a speech!"

"Aw, it's easy!" exclaimed Ron. "Just mention how Hermione made the right choice, don't insult Hermione's mother, and whatever you do, don't mention how much I fancied Eloise Midgeon in our first year."

Neville was saved having to answer this by a woman with straggly blonde hair and a serene expression meandering up to them. "Hello, Ronald. Hello, Neville." Luna Lovegood said breezily.

"Hi, Luna." they chorused. After this, Neville seemed to partially lose the power of speech, so Ron took up the conversation. "Thought you were off exploring the world, Luna."

"I thought that too, but a Bounding Cogwrith ate all of my supplies... either that, or a Grizzly Bear... but who believes in Grizzly Bears nowadays? Anyway, see you boys around; I promised Hermione I'd check her dress for Wrackspurts..." She wandered off. Ron grinned, then turned to see Neville staring off in the direction Luna had just disappeared in. Ron groaned.

"Look, Neville, mate. Just tell her how you feel about her. Luna's... Luna. It's pretty much impossible to embarrass yourself around her."

Neville sighed. "Oh, I'll find a way to embarrass myself. I always do." Ron clapped him on the back.

"Hey! Come on, mate! You're like, a big success story now! How many lived have your experimental plants saved at St. Mungo's? And WHERE IS HARRY?!?"

Neville shrugged. "Uh-oh. Everyone else is beginning to arrive. Hey- look Viktor Krum!"

Ron scowled. "I didn't invite him."

Neville chuckled. "Yeah, but you're not the one who slept with him, are you?" Ron wheeled around, face like thunder. Neville realised his mistake. "Oops."

"Hermione slept with KRUM?!?"

"I should not have said that. That was a bad mistake. I'll just go and hide, now, shall I?" Neville ran and hid behind Hagrid.

Ron stormed up to the room where Hermione was getting changed. He pulled open the door, and yelled "YOU SLEPT WITH- oops."

"RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hermione screamed. You're not meant to see me before the wedding!!"

And several miles away, on a certain clock face, a hand marked 'Ron' spun round to 'Mortal Peril'...

Harry and Ginny finally arrived at the church, where the encountered Neville, Ron and George, hiding behind a gravestone. "Hermione's jinxing everyone in range." George informed them with a smile on his face.

"Why?" Harry found the need to ask.

"Long story." Neville told them with a grin.

"The service is about to start!" Hissed Ginny. "I'll go and calm Hermione down, you lot get ready. Ron, Harry, greet people. Be happy, cheerful, like your fiancée isn't about to brain you."

Hermione had finally managed to calm herself. "This wedding is a disaster," she moaned to Ginny, who was sitting on the font, swinging her legs.

"Cheer up." smiled Luna. "According to the laws of averages, nothing else can go wrong." At that moment, Neville hurried up to them, looking worried.

"Has anyone seen the vicar?" he said, sweat shining on his face.

Hermione screamed at the top of her lungs.


Next Time On The Wedding:

Is the vicar dead?

Where are the caterers?

Will Neville confess his love, and will it be to the right person?

If I had a theme tune it would play at this point. But I don't. Damnation.