How to Fight Vulcan-Style

by Carlotta's Twin

Summary: Spock reviews Kirk's fighting moves and thinks it is logical to train him.

A/N: I want this to take place after 'Journey to Babel' but it can take place whenever. This'll only have a few chappies.

I don't own Star Trek or the Vulcan nerve pinch or Kirk's stupid fighting moves. Sadly enough.

Chapter One: The Nerve!

Spock sat at his normal seat on the bridge, reviewing security tapes. He raised an eyebrow at Kirk's foolish fighting stances. Did Kirk ever learn any fighting technique? Spock wondered. Even karate, an inadequate Earth fighting technique, was better than Kirk jumping against a wall to bring an opponent down, or hurling his body at an opponent.

"Captain?" Spock inquired, looking around. There was no sign of him anywhere.

"He went to sickbay for a physical." Uhura said. "You'll find him there, Spock." He nodded and left, his human self grimacing inside. He had not wanted to deal with Dr. McCoy today. In fact, he didn't want to deal with McCoy at all many times, but some things are unavoidable.

He walked into sickbay, where he encountered McCoy wearing rubber gloves and washing blood off them. "I do hope that is not Captain Kirk's blood." Spock said. "Though-"

"Don't you dare give me advice, you green-blooded logic machine!" growled McCoy. "Say anything more in that monotone voice and I'll give you a full physical tomorrow!"

"I have had my physical taken two stardates ago, Doctor." Spock replied.

"Spock, I am the Chief Medical Officer. I can assign physicals for you whenever I want." McCoy laughed.

Spock thought it illogical to argue with that logic. Instead he raised his eyebrow and replied, "I need to see the Captain."

"Needed me, Spock?" asked Kirk, coming out of the wing. "What for?"

"Captain, I have been reviewing security tapes and it is obvious that your fighting technique is quite illogical."

"Well, Spock, I don't think that fighting when necessary is illogical."

"Nor do I, Captain, but your technique is illogical."

"My technique?" Kirk asked with a small smile on his face. "Do explain."

"While reviewing the tapes I observed that several of your 'moves' cause bodily harm to yourself rather than the opponent. That is highly illogical. Offensive moves are meant to hurt the opponent, not yourself."

"You're talking to us as if we're three year olds!" exclaimed McCoy. "Kirk graduated from Starfleet, don't you think we'd know what an 'offensive move' is?"

"I do not believe that Starfleet offers training in human offense and defense," said Spock.

"We don't learn everything from Starfleet, Spock." countered McCoy.

Spock only raised an eyebrow in response and continued as if he hadn't been interrupted. "Starfleet believes that we will always have working phasers on our person. Since you, Captain, have encountered many opponents without adequate weaponry, it would be logical for you to learn a fighting technique."

"Well, we can meet at the gym for me to learn."Kirk said. "I suppose I'll do it, Spock."

"That was a logical choice, Captain." Spock complimented. McCoy began laughing.

"Jim, you're gonna learn to fight Vulcan-style?" he exclaimed. "I can just see you now with the pointed ears and slanted eyebrows." McCoy chuckled.

"I observe nothing wrong with the Vulcan features." Kirk replied in his best Vulcan voice, trying hard not to crack a smile. He failed.

Spock knew when he was being insulted. "Captain." he said. "I believe I will try to teach you the Vulcan nerve pinch. It has many advantages. Observe." Spock flexed his fingers and pinched McCoy's neck. McCoy collapsed on the floor.

"Spock!" said Kirk. "I've seen the nerve pinch before- you didn't have to knock out McCoy!"

"I assumed you needed to refresh your memory." Spock said.

"You assumed wrong!" said Kirk. Spock merely raised an eyebrow. "You know what," Kirk continued. "I think you just wanted to knock out McCoy."

"Captain, that want would be illogical."

"Suit yourself!" laughed Kirk. "At least I don't have to finish my physical!" He exited sickbay.

Spock grabbed McCoy by the arms and hauled him to a bed. He checked to see if Nurse Chapel or any security cameras could see him. Spock looked down at McCoy's unconscious figure and, for once, eschewed Vulcan logic.

He smirked.

TBC...

Sorry if my Spock is a little out of character...it's hard writing for a 'green-blooded logic machine.' Please review!