"Ah, the price of toilet paper is up again. Now what are we going to do? At this rate we'll have to sell someone's kidneys just to wipe our asses..."
"Oi," Shinpachi said. He half-heartedly glared at Gintoki through the corner of his eye. "Before we resort to offing people for illegal organ harvesting, why don't you put back that carton of strawberry milk? Then we'll have enough cash."
"When I said 'someone', I meant you."
"My point stands. You can't afford the milk."
"But then my mouth will be sad. Do you want my mouth to be sad?"
"Oh, so your mouth being sad is a tragedy, but I should sell my kidneys to feed your sugar addiction."
"It tends to get foul when it's sad. Stupid useless otaku glasses boy cat-fucker."
"Wait. Cat-fucker? Where the hell did that come from!"
"From a future without sweets." Gintoki said this calmly and without missing a beat.
Shinpachi turned around and the two of them engaged in a stare-down. Alas, but Shinpachi's common sense was nothing in the face of his employer's raging sweet tooth. He was defeated.
"Fine. We'll just have to continue begging Otose-san to feed us. The rice goes back on the shelf... along with our pride."
The new part-timer at the cash register kept sneaking glances at them while ringing up the purchase. Gintoki picked his nose. Then he dug around in his ear. Then he used that same hand to rummage around in a pocket that was right next to his crotch.
"Here," Gintoki said, smacking the bills into the newbie's hand. "Keep the change."
Shinpachi, having gotten back from sacrificing actual food for strawberry milk, watched the emotions flash across the cashier's face. Horrified, confused, incredulous. Don't judge me, he mentally pleaded to the greasy teenage punk. I'm perfectly normal despite the company I keep.
A distant part of his mind told him that it wasn't right for a regular-looking guy like him to be pleading normality to a high school dropout with a green faux-hawk and more piercings than he had toes, but Shinpachi ignored that little voice. They took their leave, slowly ambling back to the Yorozuya.
It was only when they were halfway down the street that the poor cashier snapped out of his stupor and realized, as he was washing his hands, what had actually happened.
"What the-? Keep the change? He was short 500 yen!"
The first thing Gintoki said when he got back was "Aw, hell no". This was because the last person... thing he wanted to see was staring right at him with those creepy round eyes.
Blink.
"Lizzie says Zura's gone missing again, aru."
"Aw, hell no."
"What happened?" Shinpachi asked. "Elizabeth-san, how long has he been gone? Do you think he's in trouble?"
"Feh. Do you even have to ask? That bastard's always in trouble. Don't worry, he's probably just in jail again."
"Just in jail! How can you say that about a friend!"
"Nuh uh," Kagura said, shaking her head. "Me and Sadaharu went past the police station already and didn't smell him."
"So he's in a Shinsengumi squad care being delivered to jail. Problem solved, get the hell out of here." Gintoki waved Elizabeth away, but she (he? it?) ignored this gesture.
Fwip! The sign came out.
Pirates took him, it said. Space pirates.
FLASHBACK!
Katsura read over the report that one of his spies had just sent him. It detailed yet more suspicious happenings down by the docks.
"Stealing from hardworking Edo citizens to fund their narcotics trade? Unforgiveable!" He crumpled up the parchment and turned to Elizabeth. "I'm going after the pirates, Elizabeth. They'll be punished before dinner time. How does soba tonight sound?"
Elizabeth blinked her agreement.
And that was the last she saw of him...
FLASHFORWARD!
"That flashback was pathetic," Gintoki said. "Not to mention that if it was really space pirates that took him, he's probably feeling right at home."
"Yeah, don't worry, space pirates won't eat their own kind, aru."
"Even if they did, they wouldn't eat Zura because his wig would have them hocking up hairballs for weeks."
"You guys, why are we talking about cannibalism? Cannibalism has nothing to do with this." Shinpachi's comments were promptly ignored.
"If anything," Gintoki continued, "he's eloped with some hot peg-legged pirate lass and he's gone native and they're busy having pirate babies as we speak."
"Gin-chan, are you really okay with that? What if Mrs. Pirate doesn't like us? Or what if she's the jealous type and won't let Zura spend time with his friends?"
"HE'S NOT MARRIED!" Shinpachi screeched. "KATSURA-SAN'S NOT MARRIED!"
"Hmph. Of course I'm not okay with it! What do chicks see in that type of guy anyway? And if he's not coming back, then fine. We'll vote him off the island!"
"NOW WHAT IS THIS, SURVIVOR?"
"I want Zura to stay, aru. I say we vote Shinpachi off."
Facing his imminent loss of tribal status, Shinpachi frowned. "Okay, now that's just cruel," he said. Obviously, the conversation was going nowhere, so he sighed and began to trudge out of the room.
"Hey, Pachi!" Gintoki called out. "Don't forget to put yourself in the non-recyclable pile when you take out the trash!"
"TAKE IT OUT YOURSELF, YOU LAZY BUM!"
The door gave a satisfying slam.
