Summary: This story starts off in the summer after the 5th book. IT
CONTAINS SPOILERS. If you don't want to know what happened in the 5th book,
I recommend that you don't read this. Other than that, I'm not too sure
where this is going, so that's all!
In this darkness you call night
In this darknees I call life
Call my name into the dark
Send a light of hope and want
As I hide there in the mist
You can't see me
I don't exsist
In my mind I spend my day s Wondering how things can change
From light there came dark
From dark came my sorrows
And in this never ending darkness
I can drown here in these sorrows.
Harry shrugged on his jacket and opened the door to his room without caring how much noise he made. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. He walked slowly down the stairs, past the living room where his aunt and uncle were sitting watching the evening news, though as he passed their attention turned to him.
"That boy hasn't said a word since we picked him up at the train station five days ago!" Petunia said, looking over at her husband Vernon.
"Eh, it's better that way. He's writing to those.people, isn't he?" Vernon asked, looking slightly panicked at the thought of having Moody and the others show up at his house. What would the neighbors think with the likes of them walking around?
Petunia too now looked slightly unsure. "Well.we've been treating him perfectly fine! There's no reason for him not to have written! Of course he has!" she said, sounding a lot surer than she felt. The both looked at each other, wondering but not saying aloud what would happen if those people ever showed up on Privet Drive.
While Vernon and Petunia were discussing their own problems in the living room, Harry had walked out the front door and was now walking slowly down the street, his hands in his pockets and his head down. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Earlier he had dragged himself out of bed to right a quick note to Moody saying that he was fine and sent it off with Hedwig earlier. The last thing that he wanted was the entire Order to show up at his door and start asking questions. Harry didn't want to deal with them. He didn't want to talk to them.
Turning at the end of the street, Harry headed towards the park. It was late, and a brisk breeze had fallen over the town, but he didn't care. The cold didn't bother him, though not much did anymore. Everyday was going through the actions. Waking up in the morning, forcing food into his stomach. Basic human needs. Nothing more, but just enough to survive. Harry wouldn't even have bothered trying to maintain contact with the wizarding world if it wasn't for the fact that a group of highly capable wizards would come swooping down on his door step if he didn't.
He tried to think back to the days when that was what he wanted, to be taken away from the place that he was forced to call home, but everything seemed so long ago. It was all so different now, more so than it normally was. He knew now why he had to go back to Privet Drive. It was the only way that he could remain protected from Voldermort. It made sense, but the irony was there. The one place in the world that he couldn't stand was the same place that would save him for however long it lasted.
An owl hooted in the distance, and Harry ignored it. Subconsciously he knew that there were no owls in Britain, especially around Privet Drive, unless it was Hedwig or another owl coming to deliver something. Hedwig flew down, landing on Harry's hunched shoulders as she affectionately nibbled at his ear. Harry automatically lifted an arm to pet her a few times before it dropped down heavily by his side again.
"What if I don't want this!" Harry screamed into the night as he stopped in the middle of the park. "What if I don't want to be ME anymore! What if I don't want to be a wizard!" he screamed again, not caring if anyone was around to hear him. He no longer cared what they thought though. Nothing seemed to matter anymore as it was all removed from him, removed from affecting him.
Harry glared forward into the night, angry with it for not answering his questions that he had thrown to it. He had grown so much in the last year, yet he still felt as if he was a young boy, stuck in a cupboard under stairs, hoping and dreaming of a way out, of a world that he could escape from the torture that he lived in.
There was no way that he could have known what his life was going to be like though. No way to know that he was going to be forced to fight for his life, or die while leaving the wizarding world to perish that the hands of him. His shoulders sagged, the weight of the world on him. If he didn't win that final battle with Voldermort, whenever it came, the world would indeed fail. And it would all be his fault. Would he in turn become the boy that died? The boy that left us all for dead? Or just the boy. The boy that ruined it all for us. The boy that let You-Know-Who alive.
Harry walked toward a swing and sat in it, pushing back and forth gently while Hedwig fluttered to the top of the swings. His body may have been at the park, but his mind was miles away, thinking of the day when he thought that he was saved, the day that he found out that he was a wizard. Harry thought that his life was going to be fine from then on and that he wouldn't have any more worries. He was with people of his kind and he could start over again. It all turned out so terribly wrong. What had he done to deserve what life had thrown at him? He had been through so much in his life in such a short time. It was times like these that he felt as if he should have a coupon to redeem, allowing him a lifetime free of hassles for he had been through enough as it was already.
No such luck. Harry was still a boy and five minutes earlier, he became a 16-year-old boy. So much time had passed when he had left the house, but the Dursley's didn't bother with him anymore and he didn't bother with them. It was better that way. Harry wanted the time to himself, the time to think and wonder when his life had taken such an unaccepted course.
His thoughts finally drifted to the one place that he didn't want it to go the most. Sirius Black. The man that Harry was finally getting to know. The only family that he had left. The only person that really cared for him, and him alone, as if Harry was his own child. The pain was still so unbearable. He had finally admitted to himself that there was no way to see Sirius again, and it was killing him inside. He would have been able to go through all of it, twice, if Sirius was still there. Sirius was his support, the one that let him go through it all and helped him in the end, for he was always there for Harry.
Not anymore. Harry was once more alone as he had been before he met Sirius, only this time it was a million times worse. Knowing that there had been someone out there for him and losing him, physically, right in front of his own eyes was so much different. And Harry still blamed himself. Dumbledore had spent many a time trying to tell Harry that it hadn't been his fault that Sirius died, but Harry pushed it all away. He knew that it was his fault. If he hadn't been so foolish to believe what he had heard and seen, Sirius would be there right then, trying to get Harry off Privet Drive.
"Why? Damn you, why? Why did it have to be like this? Why can't I be left ALONE? All I want is Sirius back. Please, that's all I ask. All I ask." Harry said, sobbing as the words left his mouth. He had started off passionate until his voice went down to barely a whisper. He was alone. Forever more alone.
In this darkness you call night
In this darknees I call life
Call my name into the dark
Send a light of hope and want
As I hide there in the mist
You can't see me
I don't exsist
In my mind I spend my day s Wondering how things can change
From light there came dark
From dark came my sorrows
And in this never ending darkness
I can drown here in these sorrows.
Harry shrugged on his jacket and opened the door to his room without caring how much noise he made. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. He walked slowly down the stairs, past the living room where his aunt and uncle were sitting watching the evening news, though as he passed their attention turned to him.
"That boy hasn't said a word since we picked him up at the train station five days ago!" Petunia said, looking over at her husband Vernon.
"Eh, it's better that way. He's writing to those.people, isn't he?" Vernon asked, looking slightly panicked at the thought of having Moody and the others show up at his house. What would the neighbors think with the likes of them walking around?
Petunia too now looked slightly unsure. "Well.we've been treating him perfectly fine! There's no reason for him not to have written! Of course he has!" she said, sounding a lot surer than she felt. The both looked at each other, wondering but not saying aloud what would happen if those people ever showed up on Privet Drive.
While Vernon and Petunia were discussing their own problems in the living room, Harry had walked out the front door and was now walking slowly down the street, his hands in his pockets and his head down. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Earlier he had dragged himself out of bed to right a quick note to Moody saying that he was fine and sent it off with Hedwig earlier. The last thing that he wanted was the entire Order to show up at his door and start asking questions. Harry didn't want to deal with them. He didn't want to talk to them.
Turning at the end of the street, Harry headed towards the park. It was late, and a brisk breeze had fallen over the town, but he didn't care. The cold didn't bother him, though not much did anymore. Everyday was going through the actions. Waking up in the morning, forcing food into his stomach. Basic human needs. Nothing more, but just enough to survive. Harry wouldn't even have bothered trying to maintain contact with the wizarding world if it wasn't for the fact that a group of highly capable wizards would come swooping down on his door step if he didn't.
He tried to think back to the days when that was what he wanted, to be taken away from the place that he was forced to call home, but everything seemed so long ago. It was all so different now, more so than it normally was. He knew now why he had to go back to Privet Drive. It was the only way that he could remain protected from Voldermort. It made sense, but the irony was there. The one place in the world that he couldn't stand was the same place that would save him for however long it lasted.
An owl hooted in the distance, and Harry ignored it. Subconsciously he knew that there were no owls in Britain, especially around Privet Drive, unless it was Hedwig or another owl coming to deliver something. Hedwig flew down, landing on Harry's hunched shoulders as she affectionately nibbled at his ear. Harry automatically lifted an arm to pet her a few times before it dropped down heavily by his side again.
"What if I don't want this!" Harry screamed into the night as he stopped in the middle of the park. "What if I don't want to be ME anymore! What if I don't want to be a wizard!" he screamed again, not caring if anyone was around to hear him. He no longer cared what they thought though. Nothing seemed to matter anymore as it was all removed from him, removed from affecting him.
Harry glared forward into the night, angry with it for not answering his questions that he had thrown to it. He had grown so much in the last year, yet he still felt as if he was a young boy, stuck in a cupboard under stairs, hoping and dreaming of a way out, of a world that he could escape from the torture that he lived in.
There was no way that he could have known what his life was going to be like though. No way to know that he was going to be forced to fight for his life, or die while leaving the wizarding world to perish that the hands of him. His shoulders sagged, the weight of the world on him. If he didn't win that final battle with Voldermort, whenever it came, the world would indeed fail. And it would all be his fault. Would he in turn become the boy that died? The boy that left us all for dead? Or just the boy. The boy that ruined it all for us. The boy that let You-Know-Who alive.
Harry walked toward a swing and sat in it, pushing back and forth gently while Hedwig fluttered to the top of the swings. His body may have been at the park, but his mind was miles away, thinking of the day when he thought that he was saved, the day that he found out that he was a wizard. Harry thought that his life was going to be fine from then on and that he wouldn't have any more worries. He was with people of his kind and he could start over again. It all turned out so terribly wrong. What had he done to deserve what life had thrown at him? He had been through so much in his life in such a short time. It was times like these that he felt as if he should have a coupon to redeem, allowing him a lifetime free of hassles for he had been through enough as it was already.
No such luck. Harry was still a boy and five minutes earlier, he became a 16-year-old boy. So much time had passed when he had left the house, but the Dursley's didn't bother with him anymore and he didn't bother with them. It was better that way. Harry wanted the time to himself, the time to think and wonder when his life had taken such an unaccepted course.
His thoughts finally drifted to the one place that he didn't want it to go the most. Sirius Black. The man that Harry was finally getting to know. The only family that he had left. The only person that really cared for him, and him alone, as if Harry was his own child. The pain was still so unbearable. He had finally admitted to himself that there was no way to see Sirius again, and it was killing him inside. He would have been able to go through all of it, twice, if Sirius was still there. Sirius was his support, the one that let him go through it all and helped him in the end, for he was always there for Harry.
Not anymore. Harry was once more alone as he had been before he met Sirius, only this time it was a million times worse. Knowing that there had been someone out there for him and losing him, physically, right in front of his own eyes was so much different. And Harry still blamed himself. Dumbledore had spent many a time trying to tell Harry that it hadn't been his fault that Sirius died, but Harry pushed it all away. He knew that it was his fault. If he hadn't been so foolish to believe what he had heard and seen, Sirius would be there right then, trying to get Harry off Privet Drive.
"Why? Damn you, why? Why did it have to be like this? Why can't I be left ALONE? All I want is Sirius back. Please, that's all I ask. All I ask." Harry said, sobbing as the words left his mouth. He had started off passionate until his voice went down to barely a whisper. He was alone. Forever more alone.
