I stared into his pitch black eyes, the same eyes that had once shone bright green. I was struggling to keep myself together, but it was pretty obvious I was failing at it. I tried to convince myself that he was there, somewhere, that he could be saved, but I knew deep down that I was wrong. I knew deep down, that he had to be put down, and I knew deep down that it was going to be up to me. I knew that if he was anyone else I would've killed him without thinking twice about it. But that was the problem, he wasn't anyone else. He was my brother. What was I thinking?, this thing wasn't my brother. My brother was gone. And he wasn't coming back.
Lucifer's words burned in my memory, constantly replaying on a loop.
"Whatever you do, you will always end up... here. No matter what choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up... here."
And so here we were. 5 years later, we find ourselves exactly where he told us we would be.
"Sammy, come on, it's me" he said smiling sadly at me. He was getting desperate.
"Don't you dare call me Sammy. Only Dean can do that!" I shouted angrily.
"I am Dean!" he said, a wicked smile playing on his lips.
"You're not! Give me my brother back!"
He continued to smile. "Like I said, I am your brother, just think of me as an improved version of him" A single tear slid down my reddened cheeks, Dean really seemed gone this time, after everything, this really seemed to be the end. I opened my mouth to say the words that I should've said hours ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, I tried, but my voice seemed gone, I couldn't, I couldn't let my brother go like this.
"It's okay Sammy" he said with teary eyes. His eyes were back to the apple-green they once were. His voice filled with exhaustion. His head hung low staring at the floor as he struggled to catch his breath, he was done. Broken down by the world.
"Dean?" I choked as I felt hot tears stream down my face.
"I'll be okay Sammy, I promise"
And so I closed my eyes, giving into the darkness. After this many years, I found comfort in it, I couldn't see all the horrible things that had haunted me for so long.
"I love you Sammy, and I'm sorry" I could imagine Dean's face. A sad smile on his lips trying to convince me that he was okay, although I knew he wasn't. Tears threatening to fall, but he wouldn't let that happen, because even if I wasn't looking, he wanted me to be okay. And that was Dean, he knows that he isn't okay, that after all he's going back to the place that wakes him up in the middle of the night screaming, it's been 6 years, but he can't forget and he never will. He didn't deserve this, he was good, he wanted to help people, that's what he loved doing. But he didn't see it that way, he took the blame for everything, but it had never been something like this. It had never actually been his fault, even if he could survive this, he would never forgive himself.
I breathed deeply trying to stop my tears but they kept falling. This was my brother, I spent my whole life hunting with him, looking up to him, we've been through hell and back literally, and it all ended here, in an old, dusty abandoned house.
What's one more nightmare, right?
"Exorcizamus te omnis immundus spiritus…"
