I wrote this story after I thought of an aspect of the BtVS S6
premiere that I found somewhat unfortunate; consider my use of
the word lighting below. In any case, this story is copyright
2001 by Eric Jablow, but the setting of Sunnydale, CA, and all
other aspects of the television show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
are the possessions of Joss Whedon, Kuzui Films, Fox Television,
UPN, and Sandollar Entertainment. No infringement is
intended. Please don't sue.
"Ah, come in, come in. Please sit down. Welcome to
the Special Services department of the Levenson Funeral
Home. We here take great pride in our ability to ensure
that your loved ones' eternal rest is as peaceful as it
should be.
"I understand that you are here only to plan for the
future, that you are not in immediate need of our services.
We understand; it is always best to be prepared. Would you
please accompany me to the display room? Thank you.
"Now, this is our Woodland model. It is a simple pine
box with a natural stain; many of our customers want to
avoid ostentation for religious reasons, and we at Levenson
sympathize. It is an old and honorable tradition to treat
all equally when they go to their final rest, and we know
that excessive pride is a great sin. Unfortunately, we do
know that we must not treat everyone the same, that there
are those in need of individualized services. We at the
Special Services department are prepared to assist you in
any extremity.
"Now, these are our classical models. The Evergreen,
the Sequoia, and the Linden models are all examples of fine
craftsmanship; each has its own virtues. The most salient
of them is each has room for customization in ways that
will keep your loved ones secure, and you also.
"This, for example, is our Vanguard System, patented
by our friends at Harris Engineering. As you see, it
consists of a bladder held between the lining of the coffin
and its top. When we prepare the coffin for its use, we
fill the bladder with the highest quality holy water,
blessed by Father Abernathy of the Our Lady of Perpetual
Hope Church. You can easily imagine this system's use.
Should the integrity of the lining be disturbed, the
bladder will be punctured. This will cause its contents to
suffuse the coffin, which should lead to a certain
finality.
"We are experienced in these matters; we can almost
always tell when the Vanguard system is necessary. And, you
should not bother yourself about any religious objections;
this system has been endorsed by authoritative bodies of
many religious faiths.
"Now, these are diagrams of the Ripley Shield; I am
afraid we cannot show you its construction. It is, well,
delicate. Our colleagues at ChaseCo offer a seven-year
warranty, which should be enough for nearly all purposes.
"The Ripley Shield detects any form of motion within
the coffin, and only that. Should something disturb the
deceased, from within, the Shield's motion sensor
activates. This causes various chemicals to mix in an
exothermic reaction. The resulting temperature increase is
guaranteed to render anything inside the coffin incapable
of cohesion. You may be bothered that the body of your
loved one will be harmed by this, but we are certain that
the spirit of your loved one would approve.
"Here is the Lewton Control, for those of our clients
who fear a Caribbean influence upon the bodies of their
loved ones. Licensed from Walthrop et Cie, it consists of
various drug delivery systems that are guaranteed to render
the most active will-deprived harmless.
"No, sir, we do not use that word here; we consider
the term 'zombie' vulgar.
"Incidentally, for a small additional cost, we can
add the Romero Fail-Safe. It leaves you doubly-secure,
always a worthy goal in these trying times.
"And, this is the Poe Protector, the masterpiece of
RosenClay Associates. Under most circumstances, and in most
places, death is the final journey. Sunnydale is one of the
few places in the world to which one can get a return
ticket. It only happens under special circumstances,
supernal and ineffable ones, but it has been known to
happen.
"The Poe Protector consistes of a fuel-cell powered
sensory system, tied to a small fan, an oxygen delivery
system, subtle lighting, a transponder, and a cell-phone.
Should the sensory system hear your loved one's
heartbeat, it immediately activates the air supply, powers
up the lights, turns on the fan, and signals us. Your loved
one can use the cell phone to call us; we are on its speed
dial.
"We have a number of more specialized devices for
similar situations, and we can build others at need. The
Emerson-Giles Consulting Group has offices here and in
England, and has unparalleled resources for solving even
the hardest end-of-life problem.
"We cannot guarantee a successful resolution of every
case we handle, but we will refund 150% of the contract
price should any problem occur. Also, our security firm,
Summers, Summers, and Osbourne, stands ready to ensure that
any problem is of short duration. They have never failed.
"We hope you find our services useful. I'm afraid
that we cannot allow you to take our catalog away from
these premises: trade secrets, you know. But, you can come
in any time and peruse it, and we offer 24-hour emergency
service. Have you any questions?"
---
Incidentally, the title of this story comes from an old
nursery rhyme:
A Tisket, A Tasket
A Sunnydale Casket
If you stay out late at night
They'll dump you in the trash pit.
premiere that I found somewhat unfortunate; consider my use of
the word lighting below. In any case, this story is copyright
2001 by Eric Jablow, but the setting of Sunnydale, CA, and all
other aspects of the television show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer,
are the possessions of Joss Whedon, Kuzui Films, Fox Television,
UPN, and Sandollar Entertainment. No infringement is
intended. Please don't sue.
"Ah, come in, come in. Please sit down. Welcome to
the Special Services department of the Levenson Funeral
Home. We here take great pride in our ability to ensure
that your loved ones' eternal rest is as peaceful as it
should be.
"I understand that you are here only to plan for the
future, that you are not in immediate need of our services.
We understand; it is always best to be prepared. Would you
please accompany me to the display room? Thank you.
"Now, this is our Woodland model. It is a simple pine
box with a natural stain; many of our customers want to
avoid ostentation for religious reasons, and we at Levenson
sympathize. It is an old and honorable tradition to treat
all equally when they go to their final rest, and we know
that excessive pride is a great sin. Unfortunately, we do
know that we must not treat everyone the same, that there
are those in need of individualized services. We at the
Special Services department are prepared to assist you in
any extremity.
"Now, these are our classical models. The Evergreen,
the Sequoia, and the Linden models are all examples of fine
craftsmanship; each has its own virtues. The most salient
of them is each has room for customization in ways that
will keep your loved ones secure, and you also.
"This, for example, is our Vanguard System, patented
by our friends at Harris Engineering. As you see, it
consists of a bladder held between the lining of the coffin
and its top. When we prepare the coffin for its use, we
fill the bladder with the highest quality holy water,
blessed by Father Abernathy of the Our Lady of Perpetual
Hope Church. You can easily imagine this system's use.
Should the integrity of the lining be disturbed, the
bladder will be punctured. This will cause its contents to
suffuse the coffin, which should lead to a certain
finality.
"We are experienced in these matters; we can almost
always tell when the Vanguard system is necessary. And, you
should not bother yourself about any religious objections;
this system has been endorsed by authoritative bodies of
many religious faiths.
"Now, these are diagrams of the Ripley Shield; I am
afraid we cannot show you its construction. It is, well,
delicate. Our colleagues at ChaseCo offer a seven-year
warranty, which should be enough for nearly all purposes.
"The Ripley Shield detects any form of motion within
the coffin, and only that. Should something disturb the
deceased, from within, the Shield's motion sensor
activates. This causes various chemicals to mix in an
exothermic reaction. The resulting temperature increase is
guaranteed to render anything inside the coffin incapable
of cohesion. You may be bothered that the body of your
loved one will be harmed by this, but we are certain that
the spirit of your loved one would approve.
"Here is the Lewton Control, for those of our clients
who fear a Caribbean influence upon the bodies of their
loved ones. Licensed from Walthrop et Cie, it consists of
various drug delivery systems that are guaranteed to render
the most active will-deprived harmless.
"No, sir, we do not use that word here; we consider
the term 'zombie' vulgar.
"Incidentally, for a small additional cost, we can
add the Romero Fail-Safe. It leaves you doubly-secure,
always a worthy goal in these trying times.
"And, this is the Poe Protector, the masterpiece of
RosenClay Associates. Under most circumstances, and in most
places, death is the final journey. Sunnydale is one of the
few places in the world to which one can get a return
ticket. It only happens under special circumstances,
supernal and ineffable ones, but it has been known to
happen.
"The Poe Protector consistes of a fuel-cell powered
sensory system, tied to a small fan, an oxygen delivery
system, subtle lighting, a transponder, and a cell-phone.
Should the sensory system hear your loved one's
heartbeat, it immediately activates the air supply, powers
up the lights, turns on the fan, and signals us. Your loved
one can use the cell phone to call us; we are on its speed
dial.
"We have a number of more specialized devices for
similar situations, and we can build others at need. The
Emerson-Giles Consulting Group has offices here and in
England, and has unparalleled resources for solving even
the hardest end-of-life problem.
"We cannot guarantee a successful resolution of every
case we handle, but we will refund 150% of the contract
price should any problem occur. Also, our security firm,
Summers, Summers, and Osbourne, stands ready to ensure that
any problem is of short duration. They have never failed.
"We hope you find our services useful. I'm afraid
that we cannot allow you to take our catalog away from
these premises: trade secrets, you know. But, you can come
in any time and peruse it, and we offer 24-hour emergency
service. Have you any questions?"
---
Incidentally, the title of this story comes from an old
nursery rhyme:
A Tisket, A Tasket
A Sunnydale Casket
If you stay out late at night
They'll dump you in the trash pit.
