I've just been writing "Back to the Beginning" and it's been great, no doubt of it. But I've had the sudden urge to write a comedy so this is just basically Phantom of the Opera, but really random, A LOT different (ok, maybe not too much), and hilarious! Not meant to be taken seriously! So lean back, grab a bag of "Lays", and enjoy! Written in script form just because I felt like it and because...well... no, only 'cause I felt like it! P.S. The Narrator is actually not me. Let's just go with... Bob... the uh, hobo. P.P.S Yes, they are out of character on PURPOSE! Just thought I should let you know! Especially Erik. His OOCness makes it ten times funnier. OH YES! I do not, nor have I ever, owned Phantom of the Opera. All rights go to Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Joel Schumacher, Gerard Butler, Emmy Rossum, Patrick Wilson, Miranda Richardson, Jennifer Ellison, and the other actors and people who helped make the movie! Thanks!


Narrator: So here we are, watching Percy Jackson fight it out with... Wait (tunes into bluetooth headphones), I've just got a call... Wait, this is Phantom of the Opera? My bad! (clears throat awkwardly) Umm... I'll see ya later! (dashes off)

Auctioneer: So I've been thinking... I found all of this old junk and was wondering if anybody wanted it. I've got crap! Big loads of crap! Who wants cr-... That sounds awkward.

Raoul: I want the monkey box!

Madame Giry: Hey! I want it more! (Raoul and Madame Giry get into a bickering fight much like two five year-olds would)

Auctioneer: Settle down, settle down! There's only one way to solve this! WRESTLING! (sudden heavy rock starts playing and Raoul and Madame Giry are suddenly wearing awkward wrestling costumes. Crowds appear out of nowhere and the Auctioneer is suddenly the announcer)

Auctioneer: And in this corner, we have the fearless Viscount de Chagny! (waits for the crowds to cheer)

Auctioneer: And in the OTHER corner we have Madame Giry! (waits for crowds to cheer again)

Raoul: What are we doing?

Madame Giry: I dunno but let's FIGHT! (rushes towards Raoul who's still sitting in his wheelchair.)

Narrator: Wait a minute! Just wait a minute! (crowds and costumes fade)

Madame Giry: (Face falls) But I wanted to beat 'im up!

Narrator: Yeah, yeah! You and the rest of the Phan girls! You'll have your chance AFTER we tell this story got it?

Madame Giry: (sighs) Fine.

Narrator: (turns away while muttering under his breath) Well, see you guys later on.

Raoul: Can I pwetty pwetty PLEASE have the box? See it's for Ch-

Madame Giry: Shut up fool! Don't give it away!

Raoul: Oh, right! I, the Viscount de Chagny, just wanted to take the box to my poor deceased wife and-

Madame Giry: Oh, you IDIOT!

Raoul: What? I just said I was taking the box to my deceased wife!

Madame Giry: Yeah, and everybody knows that you married CHRISTINE!

Raoul: So- ...OH! I get it now!

Madame Giry: Yes! See!

Raoul: Now everybody will know that I was going to give her the music box! Silly me! (smiles while shaking head)

Madame Giry: (Facepalm) Can we just get on with the story now?

Narrator: Yes, ummm... Just pretend that Raoul never said anything. Chandelier guys! Just raise the chandelier now, please!

Chandelier dudes: (pull up big sheet only to find a tractor instead of the chandelier)

Madame Giry: What in the heck is that thing? (freaked out)

Raoul: (Pees pants) Oh... my gosh, it's COME TO KILL ME!

Madame Giry: Oh, shut up!

Narrator: (Facepalm) I asked for a CHANDELIER and they give me a TRACTOR!

Raoul and Madame Giry: What's a trac- a trak- a... whatever you just said?

Narrator: Sorry guys, this isn't going to be invented for awhile. (angrily calls the workshops)

Workshop dude: Y-ello?

Narrator: I asked for a CHANDELIER not a JOHN DEERE!

Workshop dude: Oh... Sorry 'bout that... Umm I'll have some of my men run it over to you in about an hour, m'kay?

Narrator: AN HOUR? This show cannot wait an hour!

Workshop dude: Well, it's going to take an hour to get over there so... I don't really know what to tell you...

Narrator: (now speaking to the cast) Everybody take an hour! Go eat or do something productive like beat Raoul.

Madame Giry: (gets malicious look on face)

Raoul: Ummm... (starts backing out with wheel-chair) Help?

One painful hour later, Raoul is on the ground UNDERNEATH his wheelchair, and the narrator is signing for the chandelier.

Workshop dude (the one that was on the phone): Yeah, sorry about all of the confusion! Take care! (hops onto John Deere tractor and rides out)

Madame Giry: Ummm, Narrator?

Narrator: Yes?

Madame Giry: What... was that?

Narrator: On don't worry about it! It has yet to be invented so just pretend you've never seen it!

Raoul: Seen what?

Narrator: (smiling) That's my man! Way to catch on quickly!

Raoul: (confusedly smiling back)

Narrator: (moves off to go and help stagehands finish setting up)

Raoul: (looks to Madame Giry) No, really. What is it that we were looking at?

Madame Giry: (rolls eyes and takes spot in front of chandelier)

Narrator: (comes back to help Raoul back into his wheelchair) Alright, are we all ready?

Cast and Crew: Yes!

Narrator: Then let's get back to recreating this movie! (cues music and pulls chandelier up) Now hear we are in the 1890s watching Carlotta, and her little posse, rehearsing the opera "Hannibal". Oh-ho! What's this? It is the old manager along with the new ones! And the Viscount de Chagny? Wow, what a lucky day this is!

Andre: (introduces Raoul)

Raoul: (struts down the stage looking all formal) (starts doing the "model-wave")

Ballet girls: (some faint while others wave back, trying to grab his attention, all the while, smiling giddily)

Christine: No. Way...

Meg: What is it?

Christine: It's... The boy... The umm... (searching for his name) Uh... The guy off the street...

Meg: The guy off the street? (completely confused) I thought that was Raoul, your childhood playmate?

Christine: Ohhhh! Right. The guy I met off the street was named Henry.

Meg: (still confused and, frankly, a bit worried) Christine, how do you confuse "Raoul" with "Henry"?

Christine: Oh, I don't know! My mind's been a little scrambled!

Meg: Obviously!

Raoul: I am honored, Monsieurs, to be pulled into this wonderful opportunity. Now, I believe I have a hair appointment right... (waits five seconds) NOW! Ciao! (huffs off, all high and mighty)

Christine: (offended) He didn't see me... Seriously! How could you miss a girl with big fluffy curls!

Meg: Oh, Christine. He... Was just distracted. (the two girls hop into line with their peers)

Ballet girls: (start dancing)

Madame Giry: (to the managers) Oh, for crying out loud! Get out of their way!

Narrator: Andre and Firmin immediately jump to the side!

Andre: Ooo! Who's the pretty dumb blonde? (pointing to Meg)

Madame Giry: That "dumb blonde" is my daughter, Meg Giry!

Andre: (blushing and completely embarrassed) I meant "blonde angel!"

Firmin: And that? Who is that beautiful chick right there? (pointing to Christine)

Madame Giry: Chick...? What? She is no chicken!

Firmin: Er, young woman!

Madame Giry: Oh, you mean Christine Daae? Yes, that is her right there.

Ballet girls and Opera cast: (finish dancing)

Andre and Firmin: Bravo! (clapping)

Andre: (to Firmin) Well, Raoul will be very happy tonight!

Carlotta: (in her Italian accent) Why? Is dat some sick joke?

Firmin: Er, no. He meant the gala.

Carlotta: Oh... Well, den he will just have to be unhappy! For I am not singing! (storms off)

Andre: What do we do?

Lefevre: Grovel, gentleman! GROVEL LIKE THE WIND!

Andre and Firmin: (run in front of the angry diva, jumping to their knees and bowing) Oh glorious diva! We need-eth thine services!

Carlotta: Why?

Firmin: Well... Umm... You are a talented woman!

Andre: Yes, very talented!

Carlotta: Well, I suppose you want me to sing, no?

Andre: Actually, I was praying you wouldn't-

Firmin: (jabs his colleague in the ribs)

Carlotta: Alright, if you have to bother me so! I will sing dees song of your's.

Carlotta: (horrible singing)

Narrator: Meanwhile, up from above, the infamous Phantom of the Opera is getting ready to drop the backdrop on top of her!

Carlotta: He is doing WHAT? (runs to Piangi)

Narrator: Ummm, NO! I meant he is... Downstairs... Writing! Working on a big masterpiece!

Carlotta: Oh... (starts singing again)

Narrator: (does "OK" sign with his fingers up to the rafters)

backdrop: CRASH! BANG! WHOOMP!

Narrator: Carlotta is in a big fit and-

Carlotta: (yelling at Narrator) STOP DEEZ SHENANIGANS! DO YOU-A NOT HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO-A BE?

Narrator: (checks script) Oh, yes, right! See you folks later! (dashes off)

Phantom: (calling from above) Sorry! Sorry, Carlotta! That was an accident! What I really meant to do was this: (starts taunting her in his "outrageous french accent" (Monty Python!)) Now never sing again or I will taunt you a second time! (what he's supposed to have of a French accent really coming out) (dashes off laughing his head off)

Phantom: Oh, Monty Python! (voice back to vague hints of Scottish) (pulls out "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" from his coat) What I would do without you I will never know! (kisses the DVD case in his hand)

Meg: Oh my goodness, I think that was the Phantom of the Opera.

Christine: No, no. It couldn't have been. The Phantom is... Darker. More mysterious! And much less attractive!

Meg: Christine! I'm serious! I think that was him!

Christine: Really? How could it have been?

Meg: (pulls out script) Really, Emmy... It says so right here! Now get back into character!

Emmy: Oh yes! (clears throat)

Lefevre: Joseph Buquet, get your butt over here right now!

Buquet: I swear! It wasn't-

Lefevre: No, no! That's not what I want! I wanted to know when you and Gerry were going to dinner.

Buquet: Uh, sir! The camera's rolling!

Lefevre: Oh, it is! Is that what the little red button means on the camera? (starts getting really close to the lens, freaking the viewers out. A lot.)

Narrator: Lefevre! Get back into your character!

Lefevre: Well, what do I ask Buquet now? Gerry- I mean the Phantom... (bursts out laughing) I still can't believe he can SING! HAHAHA!

Narrator: ...You were saying?

Lefevre: (laughing stops, abruptly) Yes, the "Phantom" (finger quotes) just told us that he dropped the backdrop on accident. So it couldn't possibly be Buquet's fault!

Narrator: Okay, you know what? Let's just skip on! Madame Giry! Note! Now, please! I'll see you guys later! I have somewhere to be! (dashes off)

Madame Giry: (walks up to the managers) So I found this note. Looks like the Phantom's asking for... (doesn't have time to finish)

Phantom: (dashes in and up to Madame Giry) (in a normal leveled voice) I need a big block of wood, there's a leak, a hammer, and something to hit Carlotta over the head with. (dashes off)

Madame Giry: (sighs) He says he needs a big-

Phantom: (dashes back in) Oh yes, and nails! (dashes back off)

Madame Giry: He says he needs-

Phantom: (dashes back in) And I need fabric, white, please, scissors, and a mannequin that looks exactly like Christine.

Madame Giry: I thought you did that already? (appalled at his procrastinating)

Phantom: Yes, well, yesterday I was too busy!

Madame Giry: What, staring at the wall?

Phantom: Precisely! So glad you could understand! (dashes off)

Madame Giry: (waiting for him to come dashing back)

Phantom: (yelling from off camera) Well, what are you waiting for? Tell them!

Madame Giry: (sighs, but recites everything Erik told her, even though the managers have already heard)

Andre: Yes, yes, of course. But why does he need fabric?

Madame Giry: Script, please.

Andre: (pulls his script out of nowhere) (hands said script to Madame Giry)

Madame Giry: (searching) Aha! Right here! (the two managers read what she's pointing at)

Firmin: Ah, I see. But no! We cannot give that stuff to him!

Madame Giry: ...Why ever not?

Andre: Because we don't feel like it.

Phantom: (yells from the rafters) OH COME ON! (suddenly a crashing is heard from said rafters)

Andre and Firmin: OOF! (they get crushed by a falling house)

Narrator: ...And it appears the Wicked Witch of the We- I mean two managers have just been killed by a falling house... Ummm... Phantom?

Phantom: (suddenly appears right at the Narrator's side) Yes?

Narrator: (jumps) (shakes surprised feeling away) What did you do that for? (points to the two pairs of feet sticking out from underneath the house)

Phantom: They wouldn't give me what I wanted.

Narrator: So now you're a spoiled little brat?

Phantom: Yes, yes I am. (disappears in an explosion of smoke)

Narrator: Great... He's not making my life any easier... (pulls out cellphone)

Opera attenders, random civilians, stagehands, ballerinas, chorus singers, and anyone else who happens to work/live/be in the Opera House: (gather and stare at the strange little boxythingamajig in the Narrator's hand)

Narrator: (dials in a number) (waits for the other line to pick up)

Person on the other end of the phone: Y'ello?

Narrator: Yes, Creator? (not the Creator you're thinking of. Creator= Author= person writing this story, okay?)

Person on the other end of the phone who shall henceforth be known as "Creator": What do you need now, Narrator #1,245?

Narrator: Yes, well... We had a little... "accident" over at the Garnier... Mind sending two other buffoons to play Andre and Firmin? (Narrator hangs phone up and everyone, now, can hear the Creator's voice emanating from an unknown source)

Creator: Oh, Narrator #1,245! I can't keep pulling these new characters out!

Narrator: I know and I am very sorry to disturb you, but the managers have very important parts-

Creator: I know that! Just... (sighs) Give me a minute... (entire Opera House goes silent as they listen to the sound of ruffling papers and the occasional "OUCH! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?" from their Creator) Aha! Here it is! (Opera House listens to scribbling and their Creator talk to herself) Here you go! Now, I'm not the best artist... So they may look a little... Different... (random door appears in the air and two paper figures come floating through it and onto the ground) Now if I have to create anymore characters for you, Narrator #1,245, you may end up like Narrator #467!

Narrator: (shivers at the thought of #467) Yes your great and creative one! (waits for Creator's voice to stop) Alright, everyone! Especially you, Phantom! No killing and/or destroying any characters! Creator is in a bit of a bad mood today and... (the dead body of some random stagehand who shall henceforth be known as "Bob" comes crashing down) PHANTOM!

Phantom: (yelling from the rafters) I never liked you! So good riddance!

Creator: (voice again emanating from an unknown source) NARRATOR #1,245! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

Narrator: It was Phantom! Not my fa-aaaaaaaaaaaa! (gets sucked through the ceiling)

Paper Firmin and Andre, who shall henceforth be known as "Firmin" and "Andre": (stand up) Woah... What's going on? (Firmin fixes his paper top hat and brushes his paper mustache while Andre fixes his paper monocle and his paper mustache)

Creator: I never liked him either... Couldn't do his job right... (scratching and scribbling of pen on paper is heard) There! Voila!

The New Narrator, who shall henceforth be known as "Narrator": (drops through the same door in the air) (door vanishes with a "POP" that makes everybody jump, and the Narrator stands) Where am I...? (she smooths out her ruffled skinny jeans, fixes nice looking leather jacket, and messes short red hair up. Begins to examine the place)

Creator: Narrator #1,246! Welcome to the Palais Garnier Opera House!

Narrator: Oh, cool! Hi everybody!

Opera House, including the actual Opera House and other inanimate objects: Hello Narrator #1,246!

Narrator: You can just call me Stingray!

Opera House, including said building and other said inanimate objects: Hello Stingray!


Alright, well... There you have it! That's my first part! And don't worry! The story from the movie will get back in progress in the next part! I promise! Now review away my faithful readers who only just started reading this story!