Chris Gets His License
(A/N: There is one reference to a scene from Family Guy episode #2, "I Never Met the Dead Man." I did not create the dialogue. Seth MacFarlane and the Family Guy creators and writers did. Please do not sue. I am not taking credit for the dialogue. Thank you.)
Chapter 1: Going On Sixteen
Fifteen-year-old Chris Griffin was excited. In one month, he was going to turn 16 years old. And that meant he was going to get his driver's license…as long as he passed his driver's test.
Three years had passed since Chris was thirteen. The Griffin family faced only minor changes. Peter was about 50 pounds heavier, Lois began secretly dating Quagmire behind Peter's back, Meg had left home to go to college, Brian was getting a lot older and was much more stiff than when he was seven, Stewie was now four years old and much taller, and Chris himself had a slightly deeper voice and grew longer hair.
Presently, Peter and Chris were standing outside the red family station wagon. Peter was going to teach Chris the mechanics of driving yet again. It seemed almost like a hopeless cause. No matter how hard Peter, Lois, or Brian tried to teach Chris to drive, he was so dense that he could not drive even if his life depended on it. Peter was concerned. Chris would be 16 in only a month, and if Chris wanted to get his license anytime soon, that meant he'd have to make a major turnaround in his "progress."
"Okay, Chris, you'll be 16 in only a month, so that means you're going to really have to practice hard to learn driving," Peter said, jiggling his now much larger potbelly.
"But Dad, I know how to drive," Chris said.
"No, son, you don't," Peter said. "And don't think you can lie to me. Lois and Brian have already taken you out driving, and they say that you couldn't even drive a screwdriver up your ass. Now get in the car and let's see how we can improve your driving."
Suddenly, Brian opened the door and limped outside. "Wait! Peter! Let me come along. I want to make sure the two of you don't do anything stupid like last time."
(Flashback: The Drunken Clam, 2 weeks back. Brian is sitting at the bar, drinking his usual martini. A pretty blonde in a red dress is sitting next to him. Brian turns to her, in the hope that she will accept him. "Hi there, I'm Brian. I'm very astute and come from a family with great, great intelligence –" Brian was interrupted when Peter and Chris crashed through the Drunken Clam and jumped out of the car. The both sang together, "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family…" Peter looked at Brian and said, "Brian, come on, you're one of the family. Come back home with us, and we'll sing on the way." Brian grinned sheepishly, and the woman slapped Brian on his snout. Flashback ends.)
"All right, Brian," Peter said. "But don't give Chris any driving tips. The last thing we need is backseat drivers."
"But Peter, that's the whole reason I want to go. You're a terrible driving instructor. Remember when you taught Meg how to drive?" Brian asked.
(Flashback: Main Street, 3 years ago. Meg is in the driver's seat, and Peter is sitting next to her. "All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson. You always want to be aware of other cars on the road. If you catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him." Then, Meg looks over and makes eye contact with the man, an Amish guy with a horse and buggy, next to her. Peter said, "This guy's asking for it." "But Dad –" Meg started. "I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice," Peter interrupted. "Okay," Meg said. She then revved the engine twice. Then, the green light appeared. "Go!" Peter yelled. Meg took off and heard the Amish man scream. "You forgot to flip him off, but other than that, nice job." Flashback ends.)
"And also, thanks to your poor driving skills, you knocked out the Quahog TV stations for quite some time," Brian added.
"All right, all right, maybe I screwed up then," Peter admitted. "But I won't make the same mistakes with Chris."
"You already have," Brian pointed out. "You've been teaching all the wrong methods of driving from day one."
"Oh, you think you can do better, Mr.-I-Can't-Walk-As-Good-As-I-Used-To?" Peter challenged.
"You know what, I think I can," Brian thundered.
"All right, then, you take Chris out for a driving lesson. If Chris's driving improves, I'll give you $50. Otherwise, you owe me the $50," Peter said.
"Deal," Brian said, limping over to shake Peter's hand. As they shook hands, Brian saw Peter's extra fat jiggling. "Good night, you've gotten fat over the last 3 years."
