Hoshigaru
Author Note: Hi everyone, this is basically (for lack of better words) my first ever fanfic and its Invader Zim as you can apparently see. If there's anything in here you witnessed in another Invader Zim fanfic, tell me because I might have gotten it from that story, and I would give it full credit. I am not plagiarizing anyone but the fanfics I read has inspired me to make this one, so if you seen something already down, give me the fics name and if I read it then its plausible that, that's where I got it from, if I don't recognized the name or the fic in general, then its all just coincidental.
For the four people who read the lost script one, thanks your words was and still is encouraging and helpful, but I suddenly had a change in how I wanted this story to be, it will still have the same idea and plot but I'm going to portray it different. I hope it's still auspicious to you all and anyone else who reads it. (Oh and thanks Maria Sparrow I'll try to see if I can get someone to beta it for me)
Warning: To tell you right now if you abhor Ocs then this is not for you, if you abhor Zim but adore Dib more, this is not for you, if you abhor Dib and Tak pairing, this is not for you, if you have no knowledge in ANYTHING of Invader Zim and don't want me to spoil it for you, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. If any of those thing apply to you please turn back now, you have been warned.
Disclaimer: I don't own invader Zim, Its not mine, nope, nuh'uh, this crazy cartoon came out of Jhonen Vasquez crazy head, but the story is from my sick little mind.
Summery: This is Zim's second year here on earth and will soon be the first day of 7th grade. Every one is changing around him, Dib seem to have grown 6 inches since the last time Zim saw him, He even have to look up at him when ever they have one of they're verbal fight. Dib's little sister Gaz have even manage to grow "slightly" taller then him. Not liking how everyone is getting taller while he's still his tiny size, Zim decide to, dare I say, put his mission aside so he can find a way to catch up or maybe even pass the humans in their game of growth.
First and last time this will be here
Time Zone: Dib is 12, Gaz is 11, and Zim is how ever old he is, Tak... same goes for her and Skoodge.
Grade: Dib and Zim are in 7th grade Gaz and Skoodge is in 6th.
Height: Dib is 4'11, Gaz is 4'7, Tak is 4'11, Skoodge is 4'8, and Zim is 4'5.
Chapter one: Zim + internet... A Doomed day.
Note: Chapter is Zim heavy. Pervertedness assure…
Chapter one summery: Zim realize one day in summer break that, unfortunately, Dib has gotten taller--not by that much! But he has. It is summer after all; an Earth holiday, so Zim decides that he would 'take a break' from his destroy and conquer Earth mission, to work on a 'cure' for his… shortness. It wouldn't hurt him anyways…
Zim's "home" 4:00 am
Deep down in Zim's base, Zim was working on another experiment. 'Was' plays a key part in it, seeing as GIR had just blacked out the upper level of the base--The Lab, were Zim is currently working.
"GIR!" Zim yelled, cerise eyes glared in the darkness.
"I did'n do it!" GIR shouted, giggling uncontrollably.
If Zim's acute hearing was correct--and it was, then Zim could hear that GIR was thirty-two ft. back and twenty ft. to the right, directly under the red Emergency Black-Out button… for hacking purposes. Zim growled and stormed over to where GIR was, he didn't need the light--His SUPERiOR irken eyes gave off a small reflection of light for him to absorb, not enough for a human to see anything but enough for an irken… plus the button cuts off all power, which put an erupt stop in his work.
Once Zim made it over to GIR and the red button, he pushed the green one that soon and did rejuvenate his lab-- not very smart to have the two next to each other, but eh, what you gonna do. GIR looked up to see Zim glowering down at him, noticing the sudden jolt of life in the lab; GIR stopped giggling and gave a solemn awe.
"GIR! Stop pushing buttons your insignificant mind can't and won't comprehend!" Zim scolded.
"Wha but'n??" GIR said clueless.
Zim growled "That button GIR" Zim said pointing to the red one; he wanted GIR to know what he did was bad.
"Wha but'n?" GIR asked, looking the other way. Zim gave out a frustrated cry and pulled GIR's head in the direction of the button.
"That button GIR!!" Zim yelled, you'd think he'd be used to GIR's idiotic ways but today was when Zim finally realized… admitted that he was indeed… short… just a little-- and was not in a very good mood.
"Oooh-ho-ho-ho yous means dat but'n" As GIR said button, he had pushed it.
The lab gave a loud warp noise and went black; the only light were the cyan eyes of GIR, the cerise eyes of Zim and the red and green buttons-- the green one Zim slammed his fist on.
"GIR!" The lab flickered on.
"I did'n do it!" GIR shouted. Zim snarled.
Zim was back to working on his research, GIR was now chained and hanging upside down in one of Zim's test-tubes. Zim linked his computer to an irken satellite--If he was going to look up something, it was going to come from his home planet.
"Computer! Look up ways of growth!" Zim shouted.
"Um… 'Ways of growth'?" the computer asked, hinting to what he said was an incomplete, and asinine, sentence.
"Do you question Zim?!" Zim scowled at his computers hesitance.
The computer sighed "This is stupid…" it muttered and typed in irk 'ways of growth'.
Millions of links popped up and Zim smiled mockingly at his computer. He clicked on the first file that bore the title of 'I was once scrawny, no-…' it was too long to fit the rest. Zim saw a picture of a very short irken; he was so thin it made him look even smaller. Zim smirked, if this pathetic excuse for an irken got taller with his method, surly Zim would be a giant! He read his height, damn! 4'6… His smirked faltered but came back, Zim wasn't that short… yeah… Zim skipped the irken's life story and read what he did to fix his height, as he read his smirk began to slide off.
First I ate fifty chilly-dogs, then twelve chocolate ice-cream, twenty cream filled donuts, thirty jelly filled one, and eighty-two glazed(that's important) a day, while laying on my back for twenty-three hours…
And it carried on, Zim's left eye twitched, what the hell was this? How would that help his growth! All this would do would get him… Zim saw the after picture of the irken… he… was… HUMONG-E-OUS, 500 lbs. and still his little 4'6 self.
"What! I don't want to be fat! I want to be tall!" Zim shouted and commanded the computer to go back to the other links.
Every link was just things to gain weight; I eat so many such-and-such or I didn't move for so many blah-blah or even I ate so many such-and-such and didn't move for so many Blah and blah, blah, blah. Zim growled, when he said growth he meant in length not in width… This wasn't going to work; he needed to be more specific.
"Computer, search for 'how do I make myself taller'" Zim said.
The computer sighed but ran the search anyways, millions of links popped up. Zim smiled, this surly would not go wrong. Zim was going to click on one when a purple screen with the irken insignia popped up, red words that read 'Forbidden' in irk blinked. Zim stared dumbfounded, he commanded the computer to go back and type in the words again. The computer did just that and the same thing happened--this time Zim was quick enough to see the date on one; it was made over a trillion years ago, literally.
"What is the meaning of this?! Explain to Zim" Zim shouted.
"Case # 15000007345-AFBDN.01 created by irken Triname; illegal experiments banned" The computer told, answering Zim's question.
"'Triname'?" Zim question, where have he heard that name before,
"Irken Triname, first tallest irken at 5'6. Admired by his height, people respect him more then other irkens, given him a stat of royalty--thus creating Voltaskugurtch (V-oat-ash-koo-gir-ch" Zim's eyes perked up, that was the royal army before the Armada and the tallest.
Zim didn't care for history, so he deleted most of the 'unimportant' things that happened before his time. But Lord Triname was a hero to Zim, the way he ruled, the way he commanded, the way people worshiped him! Zim just couldn't cut that out, though some didn't think he was that great so Zim had to search for the information, it was not downloaded at hatched.
"Irken lord Triname ruled over viciously--being the first irken to be loved by all; it quickly corrupted him. He done things regardless of what the consequences were; he was full of covet. A graqus later an Irken was founded for being 5'7, Triname was quickly pushed over and forgotten." A graqus is a universal year, that's pretty quick for an irken leader to be over powered.
"Courtons (universal month; earth years) later Poe-- The newest Irken lord was over powered by Jar who was 5'8. Later he too was overthrown by Xem. Irkens were growing abnormally too fast, using experiments to improve their height--Xem being one of them. Fear of being over powered, Xem enslaved and forced Triname to come up with laws to stop any of the experiment-- even the ones Xem used.
Triname quickly put a stopped to the experiments and banned them from Irk; doing so, Xem made Triname a duke-- the first Tallest" Zim gasped-- not from the shock that he quietly listen to all of that, but because Triname was made the first Tallest but was under Xem.
It didn't make sense; Tallest were lords, so how was Xem higher, and why was Triname shorter? Zim didn't have all the information on Triname and the Tallest history didn't go back that far, they forgot maybe?
"Computer, why was the Tallest at such a low status?" Zim asked once he guessed the computer was done.
"Forbidden information # 53000004837-BEFDT.35 created by Almighty Tallest Miyuki; private history" The computer said, Zim remember her, he didn't really know any other Tallest before her, though that didn't mean there weren't any. Zim growled, why where things so secretive! Oh how he hated secrets, especially when he didn't know them.
"Why don't you search out of Irk?" GIR asked, coming over with a broken off spark wire. Zim was a little worried to ask how he got out and where he pulled that from.
"Because GIR" He said with a sigh, like GIR was stupid for asking--which he was.
"Non Irken's are too different, what ever they used to grow taller could kill me" Zim finished, snatching the sparking wire from him, GIR still looked confused.
Zim sighed "Computer! Look up all species that are similar to Irkens-- Which there won't be, seeing as we're so elite" Zim said with a smug smile.
"Searching… Found!" Zim blinked, shocked.
"Gribs
Torchs
Myairs
Tiylons
Vaxtens
Paylonions…"
The list went on. Zim laughed nervously and looked down at GIR who just gave a goofy smile back.
Zim cleared his throat "Heh… I meant look up all species that are very similar to Irkens" Zim gave a small smirk.
"Searching… Searching… Searching..." Zim smirked grew wider, ha!
"Found!" The computer shouted. Zim's smirk fell completely.
"Orkens
Recknans
Vertians
Humans
Glors
Buletons-"
"-Stop!" Zim shouted, what was this?!
"H-huuuuuumans?!" This couldn't be right! Zim angrily commanded the computer to check and see if it was a glitch.
"Humans 50 percent Irken trait" The computer 'concocted'. Zim was infuriated; did the computer expect Zim to believe that the humans have half of the genes of an Irken?
"Computer, explain this foolishness!" Zim demanded.
"Humans trait of Irkens-
Eye organs
Heart
Blood (blue and red in color, less to no minerals)
Sperm (males)
Brain
Tooth enamel (have Dentin, slightly weaker)
Uvula
Tongue papillae (Humans squared, Irken's spiked)
Bone structure (extras, less flexible)
Pores (bigger then Irken's)
Eggs (females)
Sensitivity to heat
Sensitivity to cold
Oxygen
Reproductive organ P-"
"-Enough! Just show me the others!" Zim shouted, he refused to believe the humans had ANY similarity to him, let alone irkens.
"Orkens- maximum height: two inches;" Zim smiled "Procedure, eating a warquert while jumping moons" Zim blinked, where the hell would he get a warquert?
Zim growled "Show me ingredients that I'm capable of getting!"
The computer sighed "There are no ingredients other then human methods" The computer said with humor lacing its words.
"There have to be something other then that!" Zim half whined.
"You could… Heh… Smash a lead sphere into your parietal lobe, if the right pressure applied; it could collapse onto a nerve, jolting extreme height… plus, heh, severe deliria and blindness…" Zim stared shock.
"Who would do that?!" Zim questioned.
"…Glors…" The computer answered.
"Or… you could dangle from a support line while a black hole stretch you to your ideal height" Zim looked at the screen like it was crazy.
"… Recknans…" The computer finished, reading Zim's mind. Zim sighed and looked down; he couldn't believe he was going to do this. GIR looked up at him and gave a goofy smile.
"Hi-eeeee" Zim snarled at him, god he hate his face.
Zim looked back at the screen "Computer!"
"… What" It asked, jeez, did Zim really need it to answer, its not like the computer was going anywhere… unfortunately.
"Show me… Errrr… Methods from the uuugh… Huuuuumaaans"
"Um… O…kay?" the computer pulled up tons of links to methods for height. The first one Zim clicked on.
I drunk tons of milk when I was a child, the doctors said I wouldn't grow taller that way, I guess I fooled them.
Zim blinked, the boy was twelve and was his height, but now is at 6'1. Impossible! Here Zim was, looking at deadly methods from these other races while this… inferior race was simply drinking infant juice… That was why they were so tall! This had to be, most races including the Irkens long developed past breast milk, now with their special minerals injected through development--plus Irkens didn't need to eat.
Zim smirked, this was too easy. "GIR!"
"Yes" GIR Responded, Zim was shocked that he actually stayed right there next to him through all that… well, until he saw buttons missing from his massive keyboard.
"Just get in the ship GIR" Zim said exasperated.
Zim walked to a black dome pushing a button next to it; the dome opened and revealed a hole where his ship levitated out of. A generating noise was heard and two lights parallel of each other shone on one side of the wall; the wall open up to reveal the elevator. Hard, fast footsteps and heavy breathing was heard.
"Wha!" Thump! Zim looked up to see a round blur roll in front of him. Zim raised a supraorbital ridge.
"Skoodge??" Zim question, Skoodge stood up and saluted.
"Master Zim, sir!" Even though a year has past, Zim still contemplated whether to keep Skoodge here or shoot him out in space, for that Skoodge respected Zim for keeping him this long… Plus Zim liked when he did that, and Skoodge was going to milk every drop of mercy Zim gave him.
"…What are you doing down here?" Zim asked. Skoodge was still saluting.
"I would like to accompany you on this mission, sir!" Zim looked at him like he was crazy, how did he know he was leaving?
Zim paused, realizing that his eyes rolled up slightly to look at Skoodge directly in the eyes… Was Skoodge… taller then him?! Zim growled menacingly at him, Skoodge backed up and fiddled with his fingers, why was Zim looking at him like that?
"You can't come Skoodge…" Zim sized him up and glared, he then tooted his 'nose' in the air.
"We need someone to watch the base" Zim finished, he would have let him tag along, but Zim didn't like Skoodge right now… for some reason.
"But MiniMoose could watch it" Skoodge commented with a small smile. Zim looked at him disgusted-- he always had an excuse for something, Skoodge flinched a little.
"Well…" damn… "Someone needs to… uh… watch MiniMoose!" Skoodge looked confused.
"Skoodge!" Zim shouted. Skoodge jumped.
"I… uh, watching MiniMoose… is a very important mission" Lie! MiniMoose was capable of watching himself, Zim would know, he made him.
"But GIR is too stupid to let take on that mission" Skoodge perked up a little, important mission?
"The only one dum-… Worthy enough to do the job… is you" Zim finished, dramatically. Skoodge eyes widen, he gave a big smile.
"Thanks Master Zim, sir!" Skoodge saluted. Zim chuckled a little, just like when they were smeets-- poor naïve idiot. Zim climbed in the ship with a wiggling GIR.
"Skoodge, only you can keep this base safe" Zim had a serious look on.
Skoodge didn't know it was fake-- Zim's lawn was full of defenses that there was a one-ten chance of anyone coming in to even get to the other traps he set, plus there was MiniMoose. Skoodge saluted and Zim gave him a nod of recognition, the clear irken plastic closed. A hole opened in the ceiling-- most likely leading to the house part of the base and to the roof where outside lay. Skoodge glanced at the computer to see the boy and his milk story; Skoodge looked amazed.
"WOW, computer look! That guy has been drinking milk since he was twelve. Now, nine years later he's a whopping 6'2...! I don't see why the milk part was important though" Oh, but the computer did, and boy did it find amusement out of that.
A left and a right, Zim dedicatedly flew across the sky. They were high in the clouds, moving fast enough to not be seen but slow enough to see. Inside Zim was determinedly staring out the shield. GIR sat on the small part of the seat that was beside him.
"So" GIR said.
"So?" Zim copied, hinting for him to continue.
"So" GIR said once again.
"So?" Zim dragged on in the same manner, a little more forced then GIR's, Zim was a bit irritated.
"Sooo-""-So what GIR?!" This little game of 'so's' was interfering with his flying.
"Where we gonna get this milk?" GIR asked.
"I don't know GIR? Where does milk come from?" Zim pretended to ask.
"Um… Mommies?" GIR replied.
"That's right GIR" Zim said in a patronizing tone, GIR squealed with joy.
"But what kinds of mommies?" GIR question, the ship gave an erupt halt.
Good question, Zim knows milk comes from females… well from all the species he saw that provided it, but which species of females; Zim did not read the boy's full story, just the 'milk' and 'taller' part. Maybe he meant milk from his parental unit, if so then he just needed a female parent… What if he needed the boy's female parent? Zim shook his head, all the humans are all the same, his female milk would be no different form the others. Zim smiled, yeah.
Zim's ship landed in a forest that was surprisingly… next to a super mall. Zim put in his contacts and fixed his wig-- which was now updated to slick spikes; a child called him Elvis once, and when Zim found out who that was, he quickly manufactured a new wig, lets say he saw the fat version… and leave it at that.
"Ok, listen closely GIR" Zim said, adjusting GIR's dog suit.
"This is the prime place for human females; they're everywhere" GIR stared.
"Females GIR…" Zim hinted. GIR cocked his head to the side, not understanding.
"GIR, Females like small squishy dogs… You are a small squishy dog GIR" Zim said slowly, trying to get to him.
"So… Girlies like meh?" GIR mused.
"Yes GIR" Zim smiled a little, he actually got through to him. GIR grinned and hugged himself.
"NO! GIR, that's not a good thing. In a place like that, we need to not be notice. If a filthy human female come to touch you, BITE, oh will you viciously bite them! Then they'd be scared and cry" Zim said with a weird sadistic glint in his eyes. GIR looked shocked and frowned.
"But… I like-ed to get pet" GIR said solemnly. Zim shook his head and attached a black leash to his collar.
Zim walked GIR to the entrance of the mall, he pause. Zim held his breath and threw open the doors, he then did a dramatic roll to enter-- GIR walked in, squeaking the whole way. Once Zim saw the 'danger' was gone, he stood and dusted himself off. He then gave a sigh and whipped his forehead.
"Step one… COMPLE-""-Squee" Zim's eyes widen as he snapped his head to the direction where the putrid sound came from. A little girl with bouncy, curly brown hair and a yellow fluffy dress was 'attacking' GIR!
"Tehe, Doggy!" The little girl squealed as she hugged GIR.
"GIR! Attack! Bite, Bite!!" Zim shouted franticly from the side line. GIR was purring like some cat as the girl scratched his belly.
"No, no sweetie. That's the young boy's dog" A woman resembling the girl, minus the yellow dress, gently grabbed the girls hand and began to walk off; the girl whined.
"Come on GIR" GIR whined, Zim tutted at GIR's behavior.
"But master, that was a girlie…" GIR said with a remorseful face.
"That's just a horrid human smeet GIR, they're not developed enough to produce milk" Zim was appalled that GIR would lie just to get that squealing monster to come back.
"But, what s'bout ta mommy" GIR question, Zim stopped, GIR was right… GIR was right.
"Your right GIR! That was a female parental unit!" Zim turned and ran back to the woman and her child.
"Female!" The woman and the child turned around to face them; the girl squealed and hugged GIR while the woman stared questionably at Zim.
"You! Submit over your milk to Zim!" Zim shouted, pointing at her. The woman glared.
"What the hell?!" She reached into her buggy and snatched up a carton of milk; clutching it protectively.
"I've encountered…! Green… little boys like you, with your loud music" Zim looked dumbfounded and then glared.
"'Moo-sick'?! What does this have to do with a disease, infected earth mammal?!" Zim shouted.
"This is the last milk that was on sell today, I will not give this up!" The lady shouted back and clutched the carton tighter.
"Zim does not care about what milk was on 'seal'! Just gem'me your milk lady!" Zim yelled and lunged at her; the woman swung her purse around and slapped Zim with it. Zim flew back and skid on the tile floor, it felt like she held bricks in that thing--which she probably did. The woman snatched her child from GIR-- not with out flicking him on the nose, and stormed off.
"O-… okay, plan t-tow failed" Zim said rubbing the dark green blood from his 'nose'.
"Maybe you should ask more nicely" GIR commented.
Zim heard giggling and looked up; he saw some girls that were not children, but weren't fully grown-- the humans called them 'Teeeens'. Zim looked up "Clair's" was what the store read. Zim smirked.
"GIR, to the 'Clair's'!" Zim pointed.
The girls came out patting GIR's head and feeding him their chips; one gave him a hug and a kiss. Zim staggered out with scratches on his face and a black eye, he was holding his gut. He lifted his wrist and a hologram popped up.
"Okay… Asking to 'borrow their breast' was a not so good plan" Zim scratched off 'asked to borrow their breast'.
"Oh girl, I told him if he wanted to come back in, then he better come back with a job…" Zim heard to the left of him; there he spotted two women, giggling and chatting.
"To the 'Larry's wieners'!" Zim shouted.
For three hours Zim ran through the mall harassing women, he harassed thirteen to eighty year olds--who in turn gave him a penny and told him to buy a 'gumball', which GIR gladly accepted from Zim. Zim stopped to spray some kind of substance from his wrist to his swollen eye-- he was now able to open it again. Zim started to see drawings that were supposed to look like him on a few poles as he jogged through the mall. He saw GIR chewing furiously as he rips a piece of paper from a support beam; GIR was going to spit out gum on the paper, Zim didn't care until he saw a picture of himself on it.
Zim snatched the paper just as GIR spit it out; the gum fell on the floor. GIR squealed happily and picked the gum up off the floor and popped it back in his mouth, Zim cringed.
"What, what, what?! Me! A thief and a…!" Zim looked closer at the paper and squinted.
"'Peeeeevuuurt'… Pevurt!? What is this 'pevurt' and how dare they deem Zim as one of them!" Zim growled and shredded the paper.
"Gah! Now how am I to retrieve this milk?!" Zim shouted to the sky.
He looked at his wrist and the hologram popped out. 102 things where crossed out on the pad, the last one was 'steal'--but how could he if the females saw it fit to wear it on their chest. Zim spotted a mincing looking woman cradling a baby with a bottle full of milk! Zim stalked over to her. The woman looked up from her baby to him.
"So you don't like to breastfeed your young?" Zim asked, he wasn't particularly stupid, he knew when humans used 'bottles' they liked to put 'dust' milk in it.
"Oh heaven's no! I think breastfeeding is an excellent way to bond, I just don't want to do it in public so I filled the bottle up with my milk" Zim stared at her.
He didn't know why she was calmly talking to him like this; when ever he mention 'breast' or 'milk' to any of the women here, they would slap him, or hurt him really badly. Maybe she thought he was a curious young boy who wished to know the mechanisms of babies… or maybe it was because she was one of those 'blonds' he'd heard of.
"Um…" Zim cringed "Can I… See it?" He asked really fast, pointing to the baby.
"Oh sure!" She put the full bottle of milk down; Zim's factitious eyes followed the bottle until it was placed on the bench.
The women opened her baby's blanket and sat the infant up to face Zim--the baby was adorable; its entire form was small and had cute round cheeks with huge curious eyes shining. It's… hair was like curly fries, in shape and color; Zim wanted to puke.
"She's my first baby you know" The woman went on as she pinched the baby's cheeks. Zim ignored her and looked down at the bottle.
"Young man?"
"Huh?" Zim looked up; the woman had a raised eyebrow.
"I said 'do you plan to have a family one day'?" The woman asked.
"Yeah, sure, whatever" Zim replied, not really paying attention--the milk was right there.
"Oh! Is this your dog" The woman giggled as GIR tried to look at the baby.
"Oh! Um… yeah, I uh… Treat him like my offspring! I had him when he was a pup, raised him ya know" Zim had his eyes closed and his hands on his hips, he peeked one eye open to see the woman smiling at him.
"Yup! Practicing for a real family one day" Zim held back a gag.
"Oh! I used to feed my hamster like he was a baby, when I was a child" She reached down and scratched GIR's 'ear'.
"Good practice you know-" the woman looked over to see Zim gone.
"Oh… Hey your-!" She then looked over to see GIR was gone as well. "-… dog" The baby whined, and then started to wail.
"Oh, don't cry sweetie, mommy got-" The woman looked down beside her.
"Where's my bottle…?"
Ha! Only three hours and Zim have already retrieved the human's growth serum. Zim lifted the bottle and swished the liquid around-- This was actually Zim's first time at seeing milk… Well other than lunch time, but their food was so bad there, he never dared to open anything that was closed; if it was closed, it stayed closed. This was it; Zim lifted the bottle to his mouth… nothing came out.
"What is this?!" Zim shouted.
"Yous s'ppose ta suck on it like a straw!" GIR said making sucking noises, how did he know.
Zim stared at the nipple, ugh, he hope it was sanitary. Zim stuffed the nipple in his mouth and sucked, but only droplets came out. Zim growled and ripped the nipple off with his teeth. Through his anger, he guzzled the milk down with out a second thought… hmm; it was kind of sweet and tasted musky.
"Okay, make Zim grow magic milk!" Zim shouted, some people stopped and stared, a child giggled. GIR smiled.
"Yay you're taller!" GIR squealed running and hugged Zim's waist.
"Hm… Zim feels no taller, but-wait!" Zim ran into a clothing store.
"You!" Zim pointed at one of the workers.
"Do you do measures?" Zim asked. The worker nodded.
"Good! I need a full body measure" Zim demanded. The worker stared at Zim like he was crazy.
"Uh… okay" The man walked over to Zim and measured him.
"Um… 7'6" Zim smiled wide. Yes it worked!
"No, no. I had the measure upside down, silly me" The man turned it right side up.
"Okay! 4'5! Wow your short aren't you" Zim growled. He didn't grow at all! Zim snarled and pushed the man over.
Zim was walking with GIR, fuming over the fact that he drunk something that came out of a human female. GIR looked up at Zim and frown, he patted Zim's arm for comfort.
"Why! Why didn't it work?!" Zim asked no one in particular.
"Maybe you need some animal's milk" GIR tried to help.
"That's it GIR, young usually stop milk feeding after a certain age. Maybe they drink other animal's milk--I mean they eat the animal, why not drink it!" Zim picked GIR up by his 'ear'.
"Thhhhheee pppppeeet, store" GIR read as Zim entered the store.
"You!" Zim pointed at a cheery worker that had puppies tide to his head.
"Me?" He said with a big smile, Zim cringed.
"Zim need breast milk from your…-!" Zim looked around, all that was there were dogs "-…um, dogs?"
"Well look here little boy! This milk is for puppies only, why don't you go ask your mother for some milk from the market" The worker said with a disapproving look.
"What! Zim doesn't need to ask for permission! And what is this 'mark it'' you speak of?" The guy stared at him; he then went back to 'work' and ignored him.
"Hey! Um… I just… uh, need it for my mMmm… Puppy! GIR" GIR walked over at the sound of his name.
"Awe! Now isn't he cute!" The worker patted GIR.
"Um, he was abandon as a puppy! He needs milk" Zim lied.
"Oh, okay then. Here you go" God the humans were stupid.
"Okay, uh… t-thaaaa… aaa… bye!" Zim held back the bile. He was getting good at hiding his true feelings, but he just couldn't disgrace him self by being… nice… to the humans, but he was improving.
"Okay, now this should work" He opened up the containers of milk and drunk them all, a slightly tarter taste then the humans. Zim let a few minutes go by; nothing.
"ARG!!"
Zim has been flying every where, milking things that shouldn't and never have been milked before. GIR was having a blast playing with the animals Zim found and milked… don't asked how.
"T-…th-t…" Zim rolled over, his belly was huge.
"That… Was the last animal on this putrid planet" Zim didn't know that there were other city; countries even.
"And still. No. Taller!" Zim shouted. His wrist began to beep.
"Zim!" Skoodge said.
"S-Skoodge…" Zim replied.
"Zim! Can you hear me!?" Skoodge called, Zim lifted his wrist to his face.
"Zim! What have you been doing?" Skoodge asked once he saw Zim's milk stained face. Zim just groaned.
"Zim, you didn't have to drink all that milk… It won't do anything" Skoodge said, knowing why they were gone so long.
"W-wha…t milk d-… ugh… did he drink?"
"Zim… That guy's like, twenty, He grew tall naturally" Skoodge said, Zim's eyes widen.
"GIR!!" Zim shout.
"Yes" GIR was lying on Zim's belly, that's why he couldn't move. Zim wobbled up.
"GIR! Get the voot cruiser ready" Zim demanded and wobbled to the ship.
If the computer could, he would have rolled over laughing. Zim was currently puking up the milk he recently drunk; Skoodge have informed him that other then their parents, the humans drunk cow and sometimes goat milk-- it was… um… unique to drink any other animal's secretion. MiniMoose has also joined to see what the commotion was about.
"Ugh… C-computer… Go to the next link-" Zim finished his barfing and straiten up.
The computer could have rolled his eyes, did Zim not know the humans grew by a gene not methods, and that all of this was myths and wives tells--if he didn't, the computer wasn't going to tell him. The computer knew because, well, it's a computer, it knows these things--but this would teach Zim for making him do… stuff.
"Searching… Found!" The computer went back to the archives of links and clicked on the second one which read 'My big brother stuffed potato's in my pants…' Zim didn't even read the rest, he was too impatient.
"MiniMoose! To the potato store!" Zim pointed in a direction and hopped in the voot cruiser. MiniMoose squeaked and followed.
"Um… Zim-" The ship already rose up and out.
"That guy gots a bulge in his pants! Wha he hide'n" GIR squealed. The guy did indeed have a… bulge in his pants; apparently he wanted growth in… other places.
"-… Maybe you might wanna… uh, keep reading" Skoodge finished. The computer laughed hysterically.
Zim was lost; he had no idea where a 'potato store' was. Zim flew into the city, that place usually had things there. MiniMoose happily and quietly floated next to Zim's head, he didn't know what was going on, but he kept a content smile on his face. Zim didn't need MiniMoose, he just preferred his company over the others--in fact, if he brought MiniMoose with him on his milk search, he would have obtained it faster; MiniMoose has a way with words.
"Squeak!" MiniMoose… squeaked.
"What's that?" Zim snapped his head to the left.
"Your right MiniMoose, there is a guy selling potatoes" Zim dived onto a skyscraper next to where the guy was selling his potato.
Zim hopped out of the voot cruiser and extracted his robot-spider legs and silently crawled down in-between the buildings--making sure to stay in the shadows. MiniMoose silently floated behind him. Zim jumped and retracted his spider legs back in, falling ten ft from the sky. Zim checked to make sure his wig was on right and ran out from the ally.
"You! Potato herder!" Zim shouted. The guy sat up from his bored position and looked around.
"Hey! Hairy!" The guy kept looking, he couldn't see Zim; maybe it was the mountain of potatoes, or maybe Zim was just short.
"Stinky?" Zim question, maybe that's why he wasn't responding, the guy looked down and stretched over the potatoes to see a little green boy.
"Wha'chu 'wunt kid?" The big hairy burly guy asked.
"I would like a potato… p-pppplee…pppp…-" Zim couldn't say it, what reason did he have? He'd never utter that word to these filthy humans, no matter how much he needed to.
"Um… peeled?" The guy asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah-I mean no! Look, I just want a potato…! Non-peeled!" Zim shouted, MiniMoose squeaked.
"Five bucks" The man said gruffly.
"What's a 'buck'? You want Zim to strike you? Do you get some sick pleasure form that?!" Zim was a little freaked out; he never met a human who wanted to be hurt.
"Squeak" MiniMoose replied.
"Monies? Zim have no monies! And if I did, Zim wouldn't give it to you, filthy pig-stink!" Zim shouted snobbishly.
"Look 'ere kid, I knows the prices are 'high' oooOOoOoOo" The man made a mocking prissy gesture.
"But these 'taters are some big 'taters! Plus a guy gotta make a liv'n" The man said with a shrug. Zim stared, those was some big potatoes, that's why Zim had to have them! The bigger, the better right?
"Squeak!" The man looked over to MiniMoose and nodded.
"Ok then, dis stand s'not go'n nee'where" the man said, going back to his lazy stance.
"Where am I supposed to get some monies from MiniMoose?!" Zim asked once they stalked off.
"Squeak" MiniMoose squeaked, like it was obvious.
"Nah I tried that last time with GIR, it went horrible!" Zim said with terror in his eyes, flashing back.
"Squeak" MiniMoose replied.
"Your right MiniMoose, you're not GIR!" Zim got a confident smirk on his face.
"Clown, clown, clown, clown…" Zim chanted in a creepy way, MiniMoose peeped in rhythm.
Zim was in the park this time, making sure there were no cheese stands. People crowed and would pause to look at them-- Zim had on his ridiculous clown get up; MiniMoose had a matching mini sized rainbow afro and a squeaky clown nose, his was blue while Zim's bore a red one. MiniMoose had a metal bowl in his fro as he floated around and collected pennies; Zim's performance was good, but not that good.
"Yes MiniMoose! It's working!" Zim said to MiniMoose with a vicious smirk on his face; MiniMoose squeaked in agreement.
"Hi-ya mister green clown man!" A little girl asked. She had to of been about six years old. Zim shrieked back in disgust as she giggled and twirled to imaginary music.
"Do you do balloons and stuff?" The little girl asked, her black hair bobbling in her braided pigtails.
Zim was going to tell her off until he saw a scrawny dirty old man staring at him, the man was 'hiding' behind a bench; oh he wasn't going to fool Zim!
"Why yes I do little girl!" Zim said in what he thought was a kind voice, but was actually creepy-- like one of those carnival men that wore the stripped clothes and had a cane.
The little girl faltered some but smiled once she realized he said yes. Zim blinked as he notice the girl still there, staring with her big hazel eyes. The girl blinked and stared back at him, she then giggled.
"Te well aren't 'cha gonna make something, mister green clown man?" The little girl asked nervously as she twirled her fingers.
Zim snarled, first she ask if he could now she want him to; god, humans are so selfish. Zim opened his mouth to tell her to remove her filth from his eyesight but then notice that the same homeless looking guy was still eyeballing him.
"Heh, well of course I will, you cute little adorably sweet innocent worm child" Zim chuckled as he nervously patted the girls head.
Okay, now what's this 'balloons and stuff' this little girl spoke of? Zim requested for the little girl to excuse him and turned so his back faced here. He gave a frustrated cry as he saw MiniMoose performing for a group of people; they all cheered and threw him some pennies. Now who was he going to asked for help? What the hell do clowns do anyways?! Zim turned back to the girl to see more snot nose kids crowding around.
"Hey freak! Where's our balloon animals!" An obnoxious looking kid shouted, the kids all 'yeah'-ed.
'Balloon animals'? Was that what these brats wanted? Zim silently pushed one of the lights on his pak; mechanical arms came out with a deflated balloon in its two fingered hands. Zim look around for an earth animal, he spotted a rock. A thin tube came out of his pak and attached itself to the balloon; once it was inflated, he handed it over to a little boy who looked down at it crestfallen.
"Hey aaa wait a minute! Dat's no balloon animal!" A kid in the crowd shouted. All the children nodded in agreement.
"Um… It's a… an…uh, Rock-!" The kids didn't look amused.
"R-rock-… A rock-bird!" Zim took the balloon and hit it forward, the balloon floated off.
The child giggled and ran off chasing it until it floated off into the sky; the little boy stopped, he long past forgotten Zim and skipped off some where. Zim smirked and began making many more 'rock-birds'; all the kids loved it. After the last rock-bird was made, he handed it over to the little black haired girl. The girl smile faltered as she looked down at it.
"I… Wanted… A… poodle!!" The girl screamed at Zim. She threw the balloon at him so hard that it popped on his forehead.
"Eeee Naah! All. I wanted. Was. A poodle!! Ah Uuugh!" She yelled, making screeching noises. The little girl screamed and ran around him, pulling her hair out and biting her dress.
Zim was frightened, this girl was crazy! She ran around screeching; she picked up rocks and crunched them into dust between her teeth, she banged her head on the trees that surrounded them, she even picked up birds and squirrels and bit them viciously. Zim cried out as she jumped on his head and began to bite at his clown wig.
"Ah! What are you doing?! Get off! Get off of Zim!!" Zim flailed around.
He rolled on the ground to get the little monster off his head. People stopped clapping and laughing at MiniMoose to look at Zim; they ran over and began to chatter about what was happening.
"Oh that poor little girl!"-"You monster!"-"She's just a child!" People muttered and shouted. MiniMoose floated over to see what was happening.
"Arg! M-MiniMoose! Hey watch it! Ouch! H-help your master! Help Zim!" Zim shouted, still wrestling with the girl.
"I WANT MY POODLE!!" The little girl shouted and poked Zim in the eye. Zim screamed and clutched onto his eye; it didn't help that he had that contact in.
MiniMoose picked up the 'rock-bird' and flew around it; the balloon squished and bends as the pressure of MiniMoose body ran against it. Everyone stopped to look at MiniMoose as he flew around the balloon. The little girl looked up from her vicious attack; she stopped bitting Zim's cheek and looked over to the show. Zim stopped squealing when he felt the pain leave his face. MiniMoose stopped looping and spinning to reveal a balloon in the shape of a poodle.
The girl squealed, now at her normal 'innocent' self; she left Zim to take her wretched poodle balloon. Zim stood and fixed his wig, not that it was going to look better straight; with the holes and matted parts on it. MiniMoose floated over to see if his master was alright, Zim coughed and sputtered as he mutters that he was fine. Shadows loomed over him and MiniMoose as he looked look up to see the crowed of angry people surrounding him.
"Hey! That's the same clown at the shopping mall a few months back!" A man shouted.
"And the guy that was at the super mall this morning" A random girl called out. 'Yeah' were heard from some people.
"Oh my god! You think he was trying to kidnap that little girl!" A random lady Zim remembers from the mall screeched out. People started to mutter; Zim got a little nervous once the human police stepped out of the crowd.
"Uh… That's all for are performance today!" Zim grabbed MiniMoose and tucked him under his arms.
Zim then dash out of the park as the police chases him, he duck and doge people as he ran through the city. Zim hoped he had enough monies to buy a potato; he didn't know how to count human monies, he was just going to do it until he was overflowing with human pay. Zim kept running until a dirty hand grabbed and pulled him into an ally. Zim turned to see the same scrawny hobo that had been watching him.
Zim was finally able to get a good look at him; he was very, extremely malnourished and he had a small beard that had bits of food and other crap littering it, he had one eye that was bigger then the other. He wore old worn dirty clothes and a withered brown beanie that said 'I didn't steal this' his shirt said 'or this'. He must have been a hobo-- he stinks! Worse then the normal humans. Zim felt a little calmed by this; a hobo helped him out before, so this one earned a little of his respect, a little!
"Youuuuhhh…Mmrr, nuuh urr… mmhmm…" The hobo mutter. Zim raised a supraorbital ridge; he then realized the bum still had a hold of his sleeve. Zim quickly slapped the hobo's hands away; stopping his grumbling in the process.
"Uh… Okay you filthy mud can, I guess I owe you some form of-""-You!! Yous'a stole my peoples!" The bum cut in, pointing a grimy finger at Zim.
"What are you talking about?" Zim asked, dodging the finger that was trying to touch his face.
"I s'a know it! Yous'a try'n ta take meh people uh'huh!" The bum shouted, showing his three rotten black teeth.
"What are you blabbering about you delusional earth filth!?" Zim tried to leave but the bum snatched MiniMoose from him.
"Hey! Give him back!" Zim shouted.
"Dis my mon'ney! I worked hard for dis mon'ney!" The bum said, dumping the pennies into his beanie.
"Hey! That's mine! Give those back to Zim!" Zim shouted, he would have lunged at the bum, but he feared his smell.
"No nuh'hu, dis is my mon'ney! I s'a even had ta dress up like a clown ta get it!" Zim stopped. He look down at his clothes; a clown suit, he then looked at the bum's; dirty hobo… This man was nuts.
"What?! No! I dressed up like a clown! Me! Zim! Me!" Zim shouted.
"Nuh'uh no ways! I was the clown! I even had to make rock-birds!" Zim fumed, that's what he had to do! That's why that bum was watching! He wasn't suspicious of Zim; he was just trying to take Zim's monies! Plus he was crazy.
"Nuh'uh! Zim made those rock balloons! Zim did!" Zim shouted back, which was countered with a 'no meh!' from the bum.
Zim and the bum went back and forth with 'meh'(s) and 'Zim'(s). MiniMoose manages to slip out of the bum's smelly arms and floated over to Zim and squeaked in his ear. Zim stopped and glanced to see MiniMoose had escaped; he smirked and ran out of the ally.
"Meh…! Meh…! Meh…! Meh…! Meh…! Hello?" The bum realized that Zim was no longer there.
A lady walked by and stopped to see the bum standing there holding his beanie. He gurgled and started to chant 'clown' while rolling on the floor; the lady screamed and ran.
"Finally MiniMoose! Did you see that hobo?! Trying to take My-me-Zim hard earned monies!" Zim said, clarifying to no one of who's money it was. MiniMoose squeaked in agreement. Zim saw the potato man and ran up to him; MiniMoose squeaked and started to bobble around nervously.
"One potato, potato herder" Zim said snobbishly.
"Five bucks, piggy bank" The man retorted dully.
"MiniMoose! Give the potato hermit his monies!" Zim said, picking up a potato.
"Squeak…" MiniMoose had a sadden look on his face. The man snatched the potato before Zim could leave.
"What is this?! You dare to cheat Zim!" Zim shouted back.
"I says wha I says, and I says its five bucks" The man said gruffly.
"That had to be at least 'five bucks'!" Zim said shocked, how much was this 'five bucks'.
"What 'ad to be at least five bucks'? Ya did'n give me nee'thing" The man said, carelessly tossing the potato up and down.
"What?! MiniMoose gave you all I had!" Zim yelled.
"No, he did'n" The man said, not really paying attention.
"What? MiniMoose, does this filth pig lie?" Zim turned to MiniMoose who gave him a solemn squeak.
"Sees, now get 'otta 'ere kid" The man then slump back down in his lazy position.
Zim growled; that bum must have taken it! And Zim endured all that pain and suffering for nothing, he even called a human child 'cute'… He even used the word cute! Zim growled, he was going to get a potato, he didn't know how, but he was. Zim looked back and forth, he then looked above him. MiniMoose squeaked in question; receiving a 'shush' from Zim. Zim waved his arms above his head, luckily the man at the stand could not see it; just what Zim wanted.
Zim lowered his flailing arms and grabbed the potato that was on the bottom of the pile, MiniMoose gave a quiet peep; Zim 'shushed' him again. Zim pulled back as the pile of potatoes began to tumble down, half rolling into the streets.
"Aw! Ma 'taters!" The man cried out. Now with the pile gone, he saw Zim standing there with a guilty look on his face; holding one of the guy's potatoes.
"Uh… Oh look! An, uh… A Magical potato knocking wind!" Zim pointed to a piece of garbage that floated in the breeze. The man stared at the debris that was carried by the wind; he looked back over to Zim, not amused.
"Uh… come on MiniMoose!" Zim sped off; potato in hand and MiniMoose in toe.
The man yelled after Zim but stopped to shout at a speeding car that ran over some of his potatoes. Zim ducked behind a skyscraper that was a few building down, once Zim saw that he wasn't being chased, he calmed down some. He and MiniMoose removed their clown get up and chucked them off to the side. Zim gave one more look around and cheered.
"Successes! Obtain the potato; COMPLETED!" Zim shouted and stuffed the potato down his pants. MiniMoose looked a little confused.
"So… Am I taller?" Zim asked, thrusting his pelvis out. MiniMoose gave a meek smile and peeped.
"What? I'm not?" Zim hopped up and down.
"Maybe I just have to wait a little longer" Zim suggested nervously, hopefully it would work better then the milk thing.
Oh how right was that sentence.
Now evening, Zim strutted around confidently, all the people he walked by would give a gasp and move out of the way-- oh the respect; the potato was working! Yeah, it was working. Oh how Zim waited for this day, if he didn't have a mission to complete, he would have returned to Irk to get measures and receive his rightful place as Tallest! Yeah, Zim liked the sound of that, maybe on his short wait to conquer this planet, he'd be even taller.
"Excuse me young man, do you have the time?" Some lady asked. Zim smirked; he'd show this filth who is superior. Zim turned around, making sure to jut out the potato more.
"Do you have the-Oh my god!" The lady screamed and ran off. Fear, ha! Oh Zim has waited for the day the humans realized that they were just insignificant beings, taking up space.
"Ha! You see that MiniMoose! How she screamed in horror at the mere sight of me. Fear Zim, fear Zim!" Zim began to cackle.
"Zi…m" Zim looked around. Someone was calling him.
"…im!" Zim lowered his arms and looked at his wrist. Skoodge fuzzy image emerged on his communicator.
"Skoodge?" Zim asked, tapping the communicator.
"Z…im! Can you hear me?!" Skoodge yelled, no more fuzz.
"Skoodge, you will address me as Tallest!" Zim said snobbishly.
"What? You actually grew taller from that potato thing?" Skoodge asked amazed. Zim gave a smug smile.
"Yup…! Hey wait, what do you mean 'actually'!" Zim shouted into his wrist.
"Oh, uh… I guess it only work for irkens… See ya Zim…! Um I mean 'Almighty Tallest Zim'" Skoodge said with a big smile; Zim would be a tallest, Zim. Skoodge was always rooting for him. Zim's smirk grew bigger, Almighty Tallest Zim; Zim could get used to that.
The computer tried to block Skoodge signal; he knew Zim was making a fool of himself, he just wished it wouldn't have to end. However it's fun was not ruined when Zim returned home in the middle of the night. Once he stepped out of the voot cruiser, the computers hopes were lifted. Skoodge rushed over to help his 'Tallest'.
"Um… Zim?" Skoodge slowed his pace when he saw him.
"No, no Skoodge, you don't have to be speechless, Zim is still the same Zim you've known; even though extreme power is coursing through my veins… bowing is fine…" Zim said, jutting out his pelvis.
… Skoodge pause, did Zim not see himself. MiniMoose floated out of the ship with a content smile. He floated over to Skoodge and squeaked. Skoodge was still staring at Zim shocked, when he heard MiniMoose squeak again, he snapped out of it.
"MiniMoose! Why didn't you tell Zim he looked like… that…?" Skoodge whispered to the little moose.
"Squeak" MiniMoose peeped.
"What do you mean you don't know what 'that' is?!" Skoodge shouted, knocking Zim out of his fantasy world and summoning GIR.
"Mast'a gots a bulge in his pants! You taller!" GIR just assume that he must be taller if he matched that other guy.
"Silence GIR! Your breaking my concentration" Zim strutted over to the computer, who was trying to hold back ti's laughter.
"Um… Zim…" Skoodge stuttered, fiddling with his fingers.
"That's Almighty Tallest Zim" Zim said, cutting Skoodge off.
"Uh… yeah, my 'Tallest'…" Skoodge corrected.
"Yes invader Skoodge?" Zim asked.
"Zim-""-Tallest-""-Tallest… you're not, um, tall" Skoodge mumbled. Zim stared at Skoodge; he squirmed under Zim's glare.
"Computer! Bring Zim a mirror!" Zim yelled. The computer lowered a huge cubed mirror. Zim stared at himself for awhile, he saw the potato… but he didn't look taller. Zim scowled.
"What is this for anyways?!" Zim shouted out in anger.
"Um…" Skoodge whispered why the potato was important. It took some time to process through Zim's mind, once it clicked, Zim shuddered and screeched in disgusted.
"Ugh!" Zim quickly took the potato out of his pants and chucked it into a wastebasket. For everyone's safety, the computer threw a lit match into the wastebasket and set flame to the whole can.
"What is wrong with these human?! Is that the only reason why they breed potatoes?!" Zim was sick just thinking of things they would be doing with a potato.
"Zim… Why don't you just give it some time…? I'm sure you'll grow taller someday" Skoodge encourage, patting his shoulder.
"Someday… someday…grr, why not now!" Zim shouted and slammed his head onto the keyboard.
"Computer, bring me the sphere…" Zim mumbled into the keys.
"W-what are you going to do Zim?" Skoodge question, his eyes following the sphere that the mechanical arm lowered.
"Zim will disgrace himself no longer!" Zim pointed in the air. Grabbing the sphere he then rolled it in his hands.
"Test one; Glors!" The last thing Zim saw was a squealing GIR ridding MiniMoose, and a worried Skoodge.
Author: Ah finished, I cogitate that I elongated (hehe, I ryhm) this chapter as far as I could (about 40 pages in Microsoft word--excluding this and the top note) if it seems short in here, then I'll make the next chapter longer. You see, I actually planed to put this out last year; maybe you remeber my "lost script" I had on another name, it was very ignominious to me (well, the chapters I didn't post online was) this is that story, just introduced differently.
I switched the account because this will be the one I reserve for my stories and the other will be for the stories I read, the title just works better with my vision for this stories future (plus the "lost script" was just me being fainéant and just threw a name out there).
Anyways, if you made it this far without chiseling your eyes out and stapling them backwards on a wall to prevent glancing at the fic any longer; I commend you and your brave effort for getting thus far… will you survive, chapter two? Ha, of course you won't. You'd puke and then cry to your mommy about how the bad lady made your stomach hurt. But if you think you can endure chapter two, let me know in a review… Not that I care, just, heh, you know.
Oh and flames are accepted… no, scratch that, harsh criticism are accepted. Some people think 'harsh criticism' are flames, but in factuality, their not. You see flames are: your work suck you whore. Which isn't true, you don't know me and if you did, you'd know that I've tried and failed at being a whore and/or prostitute (it seems I'm not that pretty. plus peoples touch revolts me; and we cant have that now can we quoting the brothel owner.) so that review would mean nothing to me and wont improve my writing (meaning you will have to endure more of my 'sucky' work).
However, harsh criticism would be: Your work was abhorrent and it makes me feel a little antipathetic towards you because… So why don't you spend one more year on it. Which is fine, a bit exaggerated, but at least you explained your feelings; you see, people feel so much better when they sit down and have a nice, long, comforting talk. Okay, now my own words are beginning to make me sick. I care for you Jiffie.
