AN: This was originally written/submitted on July 10th, 2004. It is being resubmitted (at least 6 chapters, though I may 'improve' and add more) due to Really, Really Dumb circumstances. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do NOT own… space (inner or outer), any of the Star Trek characters, Star Trek itself, time anomalies (far too overdone but really plotful), cheese sandwiches (the idea itself is mine though, neeheehee), insanity.
Claimer: I own… the claimer (I actually created this in my other story "The Bishonen Phenomena", but I've actually SEEN people use it! SQUEE! That's so cool! ), Hen-Neko, the anomalous cheese sandwich lord.
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Chapter One - The Planet
Space… the final frontier… well, technically, we know more about space than we do about the deep ocean. But the point is… space, the final frontier for Laurel to invade/mess up. I must warn you, what you are about to read may or may not shock/scar you for the rest of your life. This is Laurel's crazy-side… and by Jim-Bob's cousin Larry, is it ever weird!
Prepare… for the ultimate Star Trek fanfic… wait for it… wait for it… wait fo- NOW!
Picard: Captain's Log, star-date… uh… star-date… um… Friday afternoon. I ate a cheese sandwich today. It tasted okay… but I can't help feeling suspicious… I think it was a time-traveling cheese sandwich! It must have been; the cheese was slightly melted, obviously showing time-travel had occurred only minutes before I ate it. I think it was against me, damned evil thing, wot wot!
Riker: Captain? (wrenches open the sliding door instead of waiting for it to open automatically) Are you okay? I heard you ate a suspicious-looking cheese sandwich!
Picard: I did. It was slightly melted…
Riker: NOOOOOOOO!
Data: (suddenly enters through the now-broken door) Captain, I am getting some anomalous readings from the planet sir.
Picard: We're at a planet? (looks surprised)
Data: Yes sir. We have been for some time.
Picard: Oh… I… I see… (pauses as if thinking) Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: After I finished my distrustful cheese sandwich I discovered we were in orbit around a planet. (to Data) What is the planet's name?
Data: It is merely called "The Planet", sir.
Picard: (looks thoughtful) I see… I see….Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: it is called the Planet… I think my cheese sandwich must have come from there. It only makes sense, seeing as I am the only one who knows… I won't tell the crew yet, they've been acting suspicious. (eyes Data and Will accusingly)
Riker: Sir, you're speaking aloud. We can hear you.
Picard: Captain's Log, Friday afternoon: …VERY suspicious…
(A few minutes later, in the bridge)
Data: Captain, the anomalous readings are becoming more anomalous!
Picard: How so?
Data: The vibrational patterns seem to be spelling B-O-W-T-O-T-H-E-A-N-O-M-A-L-O-U-S-C-H-E-E-S-E-S-A-N-D-W-I-C-H, sir…
Worf: It may be code. We should blow up the planet, just in case. (frowns)
Troi: I don't think it's code, but I feel an immensely evil aura around that planet.
Picard: Of course! Don't you see! FOOLS! (leaps from his chair and flings himself to the ground, simulating an action sequence) What was that?
Riker: Sir, nothing hit us… you just flung yourself to the ground…
Picard: Ah, well… in any case, (stands and straightens his uniform) it was my cheese sandwich.
(everyone within the room freezes in horror, the music becomes dark and scary as the camera close-ups on Picard, who grins crazily but quickly changes to a more serious look)
Picard: Yes, it's true… Data, set a course for the planet.
Data: Captain, I am not entirely sure that is a good idea. If we get any closer to the anomalous planet, the anomalous readings will become far too anomalous for our shields to withstand. They would buckle in a matter of minutes, sir.
Picard: (furrows brow) Set the damn course.
Data: Course laid in.
Picard: (pauses and stares intensely at The Planet to add suspense) …Engage!
(the Enterprise zooms toward the planet, then suddenly the planet becomes a huge ball of yellow moving energy. On deck, there is a lot of blaring alarms, flashing lights, and everyone is flinging themselves around the bridge)
Riker: What's happening? (is clinging to a chair)
Data: The anomalous planet has become… an anomalous time rift anomaly… (looks at the captain)
(Music climaxes as the screen close-ups on Picard again. The show goes to a commercial, and, upon returning, everything is just as it had been)
Picard: (flings himself toward a coffee machine and other needed items to make coffee) How much longer until we reach the anomaly Mister Data? (sounds bored)
Data: Approximately never, sir.
Picard: What? Why ever not? (looks confused)
Data: We're not moving sir. The anomaly has knocked out our auxiliary and super-auxiliary power.
Picard: Well… get them back online then! (sips his coffee while flinging himself around the bridge, splashing many unnamed extras and giving third-degree burns to most of them)
Data: I have compensated for the disturbance but-
Picard: YAY!
Data: but the anomaly is pulling us in!
Riker: BOO!
Troi: Urge to kill… RISING! (kills a nameless extra) Oops… the evil-ness of the anomalous anomaly is affecting BRAIN! MY BRAIN! (runs screaming around the bridge, but luckily knocks herself out by careening into an extra, crushing his bones)
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Will the cheese sandwich succeed in pulling them in? Will Riker (ah ha ha ha ha ha! BAD pun! I'm sorry… ha ha ha ha… hoo…) ever figure out those sliding doors? Will Troi kill more extras? Will they have names? Find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!
