A.N. Another monologue I wrote. ItÕs from the P.O.V. of Harry, and itÕs about _________'s death. Oh yeah, DO NOT read this if you havenÕt read GoF. It contains a major spoiler (i.e., who dies). IMHO, it's not as good as the monologue I wrote from the P.O.V. of the father, but you can decide if you think so for yourself. Read and review!
Disclaimer: All the characters, etc. belong to J.K. and her publishers. _________'s death belongs to her, too. Only this monologue belongs to me. I'm not making money off of it, and I don't want to. Please don't sue me. After I got a lawyer, I wouldn't have any money to give you, anyway.
It's all my fault. I told Cedric to take it with me. He'd wanted me to take it myself. If I'd just done as Cedric had wanted him, everything would be different. An innocent, wonderful person would be alive.
Of course, I couldn't have known at the time. But that doesn't matter. I shouldn't have urged him to do it. I should have left the decision to him the way he put it, instead of trying to persuade him and meddle with it.
I constantly look around at the people's faces: Cho's, sad and depressed, Dumbledore's, sad and weary, the Hufflepuffs', sad and shocked. All sad. And it's my fault that they are so.
I'm trying to put it past me, even if it's only for a few minutes at a time. Talk about other things. Do things to take my mind away from it. After all, why dwell on it forever? But still, no matter what I do, that voice in the back of my mind nags me: Cedric's dead, and it's because of you. How can you be enjoying yourself?
Cedric's parents don't blame me. In a way, that makes it worse. I feel like I'm alone in feeling this. That no one else understands what I'm feeling, not even the dead boyÕs parents. Maybe if they could understand, I could forgive myself for it. But when I'm the only one that seems to understand my guilt, it's hard.
I'm glad I gave away the money. I couldn't look at it, much less spend it, without feeling pain. Pain because that money should have been Cedric's. If he hadnÕt died. Pain because I shouldn't have it all. Pain because I think it belongs to someone else.
Everyone tells me I must forgive myself. That I can't feel so guilty all the time. They tell me that I couldn't have known, that it's foolish to blame myself. That it's Voldemort's fault, not mine, and I need to realize this and forgive myself. It's easy for them to say. They didn't tell Cedric to touch the cup. They didn't tell him to go to his death.
Right now I can't forgive myself. Can't tell myself that I didn't know, and it's not my fault. I can't tell myself that I didn't do anything wrong, that it was Voldemort and his death eaters' fault. I can't say that it wasn't me. Not now. Not so soon after his death.
Maybe someday I'll be able to, or maybe not. ItÕs like a chasing after something fast and deft; it seems impossible at first, but perhaps you can accomplish it eventually. Perhaps. Or perhaps the thing will escape you forever, for you will not be able to catch it. But you always try. Always try to catch that agile thing.
I hope I can catch it. Because itÕs so hard having to live feeling guilty. So hard trying to live without that deft creature, without forgiveness of myself...
A.N.: I know that was very short, but I had nothing else to write. Please read and review!
